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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Husband going away

552 replies

Anonymous20003000 · 12/10/2024 12:55

Okay i want to start by saying we have been married 15 years and have 2 kids. We both work full time. Mu husband is a hard worker and provides and we also go on holidays etc.
I will admit i share everything with my husband however he is the opposite he naturally doesnt really talk about his feelings.

anyway i had our son 2 years ago and we were both over joyed however because i went on maternity leave my husband had more time to go and see his friends meaning he wasnt restricted with my work schedule. This then increased to two three times a week of eating out with them. They were all in a group chat etc phone calls often and msgs etc. anyway at one point they all realised it was a bit much and they should all focus on their families. So this reduced to meeting once a week. Anyway one evening my husband said he and his friends were going to go europe for 3/4 days in half term. I assumed he was joking or they were just planning and i laughed and said er ok but yeah u do that u wont have a hone to come to jokingly as im left with 2 kids over half term. However i secretly planned a getaway for us . Anyway the next day i just mention oh yeh are u guys messaging? Trip discussion? He goes oh yeh were booked for morroco for 7 days and ive paid for the hotel and flights. I said what?!!? You didnt think to mention that to me?! I then asked did his friends do the same thing he said well one hasnt told his wife yet and might just tell her day before.

im actually very upset i wouldnt physically stop him going but surely i deserved to be told something like this?? What do you all think?

OP posts:
Anonymous20003000 · 13/10/2024 13:32

Money isnt the issue, he does have expenses, he has built a holiday home for us in our home country which really has taken its toll on him this year and on top if that his dad needed a knee operation so he paid £5000 for that as well. He is the eldest son and his family isnt here. He has never been stingey with money he has taken us on holidays which he has all paid for. He also contributed towards the ivf. All i am saying is that of course he needs a social life but i think he has taken it too far. He paid for the extension for our house as well. Its never been about the money he has always given me money even when i earn myself.

OP posts:
GabriellaMontez · 13/10/2024 14:02

I'm not surprised you're angry. I'd be raging.

Bunch of immature tossers.

I'm confused about what you consider 'traditional'. Spending half term abroad with friends is not what I perceive as traditional.

Is this what his dad or your dad would do?

Anonymous20003000 · 13/10/2024 14:14

GabriellaMontez · 13/10/2024 14:02

I'm not surprised you're angry. I'd be raging.

Bunch of immature tossers.

I'm confused about what you consider 'traditional'. Spending half term abroad with friends is not what I perceive as traditional.

Is this what his dad or your dad would do?

As im south asian we have a bunch of cultural norms which are outdated and clash with current times. As much as my mom and dad have argued all their married life my dad would never not run past anything to my mom.

OP posts:
KarmenPQZ · 13/10/2024 14:22

Anonymous20003000 · 12/10/2024 13:33

What can i do?? I dont want him to go and just leave us for a whole week its literally a sunday to a sunday.

It may be non refundable but how much does it cost to book a flight home 4 days earlier. That’s what he needs to do…. Cost out different options to ‘fix’ his mistake as best he can.

Anonymous20003000 · 13/10/2024 14:25

KarmenPQZ · 13/10/2024 14:22

It may be non refundable but how much does it cost to book a flight home 4 days earlier. That’s what he needs to do…. Cost out different options to ‘fix’ his mistake as best he can.

At some point he did say oh il just come back after 4 days well whats the point then lol

OP posts:
CautiousLurker · 13/10/2024 14:33

Anonymous20003000 · 13/10/2024 14:25

At some point he did say oh il just come back after 4 days well whats the point then lol

I wouldn’t believe that unless he’s booked the flight back as he’ll only say, when away, there was no availability/no flights. I think you need to be less passive about this, frankly.

ballybooboo · 13/10/2024 14:33

Anonymous20003000 · 12/10/2024 13:10

Hes blaming me saying i should have said no very clearly from the start. He works hard to provide and help out. And to get over it now as decision has been made etc

'Help out' what does this mean?

Are you married or not? In a partnership or not?

Does he 'help out' by 'baby-sitting' and 'contributing' to some housework.

I'd dump just for him saying he 'helps out'.

He behaves like he is from the last century, but also by benefiting from your wage.

Phonicshaskilledmeoff · 13/10/2024 14:37

KarmenPQZ · 13/10/2024 14:22

It may be non refundable but how much does it cost to book a flight home 4 days earlier. That’s what he needs to do…. Cost out different options to ‘fix’ his mistake as best he can.

At this stage though it’s not even the point. It’s the disrespect he’s shown his wife and the subsequent gaslighting.

LetsSeeHowFarWeveCome · 13/10/2024 14:52

Anonymous20003000 · 12/10/2024 22:54

He would never accept me doing that and would refuse to look after the kids for a week,

yes we both provide, outgoings are roughly split 50/50

This is your answer then.

He doesn't feel he has to do anything he doesn't want to and can live like he doesn't have any responsibilities ... whereas he would kick off and refuse to offer you similar opportunities to travel with friends.

Not much of a life partner...

Anonymous20003000 · 13/10/2024 14:53

For me it comes down to why did he not tell me. These are big decisions which need to be run past each other. Even if we had no kids id still expect the same. Ive made it clear if he goes i cant forgive him for it. I need to do this so he knows to not ever do this again. His friends need to shut up as well to be honest and stop egging him on and just being idiots in general

OP posts:
Anonymous20003000 · 13/10/2024 14:56

Ive been out since 10.30 so almost 5 hours and i feel better doing that. Im going to go home now and get myself ready to meet my friend for dinner.

OP posts:
Anonymous20003000 · 13/10/2024 15:14

I cant believ ive become so paranoid . But i wanted to check his phone and see if he was added back in to the group.. hes changed his passcode….

OP posts:
Anonymous20003000 · 13/10/2024 15:21

Oh and is giving me the silent treatment

OP posts:
Fannyfiggs · 13/10/2024 15:27

Anonymous20003000 · 13/10/2024 15:21

Oh and is giving me the silent treatment

He's got a bloody cheek.

I'd be calm and tell him it's up to him if he goes to Morocco. At least it will give you time on your own to process your thoughts. I'd also be telling him to snap out of his mood by the time you come back tonight or he can start his holiday early and go and stay with one of his friends.

It's the sheer disrespect of not running his plans past you. He is a husband and father foremost. That comes before anything.

Anonymous20003000 · 13/10/2024 15:29

Just seen a notification from his stupid friends group if course hes been added back

OP posts:
Littys · 13/10/2024 15:33

Silent treatment is just more abuse.
Remember that.
Punishment for you laying down a boundary and challenging his behaviour.

Fannyfiggs · 13/10/2024 15:34

Ignore all that for now and concentrate on what YOU are going to do.

pikkumyy77 · 13/10/2024 15:39

You didn’t “win” this battle. It was just a skirmish in what will be a long war.

Basically he is satisfied with the way his life works: he works hard, earns a lot, and spends a lot on your family, his family, the second house in your home country. All these things he HAS to do to keep up appearances. He is, in his own mind, juggling all the spinning plates and knives and his buddies and this trip feel really important to him as a thing that he gets to do for himself, a treat, just for him. Not the dutiful son or the hard working paterfamilias. He resents you for trying to take this treat away from him.

You won’t get anywhere acting out. He will just dismiss you as “mental.” It puts you in a very weak position socially and will cause your own potential supporters to withdraw from you. This is why domestic abuse and male control is so insidious. Your own family will not necessarily support you.

Back up and start reorganizing your life. Tell him to go or not but that your respect for him is lost and he will have to earn it back.

Start planning to go back to work full time, or spend his money more freely to enjoy yourself and build up your support network of friends. Start putting money away in a separate account for emergencies. Men who have a major asset like a house in the home country can also hide assets there that will not be available to you if you divorce.

He doesn’t intend to divorce you snd even if he and his buddies are seeing prostitutes abroad he sees that as a vacation activity. But you may not be willing to accept this compartmentalization of male and female roles.

The question is how do you communicate or negotiate with someone who has such different goals than you? Who won't have an honest and caring discussion of a family crisis? He is not showing you any intention of putting your romantic/marital relationship first. He isn’t caring that it is in danger. He just sees you as a household fixture who has inconveniently come to life and is making unreasonable demands. Like an appliance that keeps beeping and refusing to work properly.

Take charge of your emotions and begin to take charge of the marriage. Be cool, cslm, cold, and reso. He thinks he can outlast your temper tantrums but he can not outlast your coldness.

Let him know that discussion, compromise, and shared family time are very important to you. He can refuse, he can ignore you, he can prioritize other people but it comes at the cost if estrangement. He has to decide what he wants and he can’t have his cake snd eat it too.

But stop trying to dominate or end the conflict by grabbing his phone or dumping his clothing or anything else physical. It won’t work and it puts you at risk socially and physically.

Anonymous20003000 · 13/10/2024 15:41

He has literally now gotten down on his knees and begging to go and if i can let
him go

OP posts:
TeatimeForTheSoul · 13/10/2024 15:44

Anonymous20003000 · 13/10/2024 15:41

He has literally now gotten down on his knees and begging to go and if i can let
him go

Can this be the beginning of a discussion? Could a deal be he can go for at least 4 days but afterwards needs to find a more mature, family oriented, group of friends?

AmeliaEarache · 13/10/2024 15:46

Anonymous20003000 · 13/10/2024 15:41

He has literally now gotten down on his knees and begging to go and if i can let
him go

He can shove his Too Little Too Late grovelling up his petulant, silent-treatment arse.

Phonicshaskilledmeoff · 13/10/2024 15:47

It’s got nothing to do with ‘letting him’. He’s a grown adult he can go where he likes in theory. Who the fuck would give their blessing.

oh, now your on your knees I see how much this means to you. Off you pop my love, of course you have my blessing.

what a doorknob

OVienna · 13/10/2024 15:52

Wow. OP's husband is another candidate for twat of the year 2024. In a crowded field.

Duckingella · 13/10/2024 15:52

Well his mistress will probably be upset if he misses their little getaway......

Phonicshaskilledmeoff · 13/10/2024 15:54

Now what might turn me around is…..

’im very sorry and I realise I’ve fucked up. So what I’ve thought I could do to make this slightly better (whilst acknowledging I have still fucked up) is:

  • arrange for a cleaner to come twice during the week
  • book my mum to take the kids for 2 nights
  • call your mates and arranged a twilight spa whilst my mum has them
  • batch cook a bunch of stuff for you
  • book us a family weekend away (and planned all the activities)
  • Plan activities together for the couple of days I am around during half term week.
  • plan and pay for some days out to keep the kids occupied whilst im away
  • book us a date night for the Friday after I get back so we can have time to ourselves

‘once again I am really sorry, but I would be very grateful if you’d be ok with me going and I won’t make a decision like this without speaking to you first again’

But no, instead he’s going to gaslight you into feeling mental then get on his knees like a 12 year old. What an ick