Husband going away

[Anonymous20003000]

Okay i want to start by saying we have been married 15 years and have 2 kids. We both work full time. Mu husband is a hard worker and provides and we also go on holidays etc.
I will admit i share everything with my husband however he is the opposite he naturally doesnt really talk about his feelings.

anyway i had our son 2 years ago and we were both over joyed however because i went on maternity leave my husband had more time to go and see his friends meaning he wasnt restricted with my work schedule. This then increased to two three times a week of eating out with them. They were all in a group chat etc phone calls often and msgs etc. anyway at one point they all realised it was a bit much and they should all focus on their families. So this reduced to meeting once a week. Anyway one evening my husband said he and his friends were going to go europe for 3/4 days in half term. I assumed he was joking or they were just planning and i laughed and said er ok but yeah u do that u wont have a hone to come to jokingly as im left with 2 kids over half term. However i secretly planned a getaway for us . Anyway the next day i just mention oh yeh are u guys messaging? Trip discussion? He goes oh yeh were booked for morroco for 7 days and ive paid for the hotel and flights. I said what?!!? You didnt think to mention that to me?! I then asked did his friends do the same thing he said well one hasnt told his wife yet and might just tell her day before.

im actually very upset i wouldnt physically stop him going but surely i deserved to be told something like this?? What do you all think?

Prior to having the baby he was always there, i could not fault him we did everything together he was proud of it we really worked well as a team. I just cant understand how once i had the baby his friends come in to the picture and then it just got out of hand. He said to me i cant just cut them off itl be a process but i dont know what to do now. If he doesnt go or it he stops seeing his friends i feel like its a form of manipulation as well?? I just said to him i want to go with friends to turkey in december for 6 days and he paused then he goes er ok.. yeh ok u go il take care of the kids,of course i dont have a plan i just tested him there., i go can u see this is advance notice? I have to state again im south asian its a big thing in the culture if a man does 50/50 as his wife of course times are changing but for example my parents are a bit old fashioned so to see him even staying with the kids 1 hour would be amazing for them and say ur lucky!

If it IS a group of friends and not ONE friend. Sorry OP

Its a difficult one, when my dad gave me away they trusted him and told him to look after me. I reminded him of this ( im my parents only daughter) he said he respects my dad and sees him as his own father. My husband really does support my family and even my brothers , helps them out whereever he can etc.
my husband is a great father when he is there and loves the kids to bits. I thought it was perfect when our youngest was born but these toxic friends of his came in to the picture and changed him , i do think his friends need to back off, stick to meeting once a month and stop the constant group chats

Apologies in advance but is this definitely a platonic relationship with friends. This seems strange, even bordering on infatuation behaviour. Stranger things have happened.

Again my husband has never hid his phone or taken it from me so i have seen all the messages and group chats. Theyre just so immature and think its all banter. But its pathetic because theyre not single in their 20s. Ive listened to their voice notes as well its just immaturity really to be honest

Whats strange is they play board games have tournaments etc and have tea and snacks!

It sounds like they're rejecting adulthood. Cancel the tutoring but make sure you still see your friend tonight.

To me its like they want the best of both worlds? Wifie and kids on the shelf but enjoy and feel single?

I think you need to start seeing your own friends more Op and developing your own social life outside of your family @Anonymous20003000

I feel like i had to not let him go because i dont trust his friends either. What will they get up to for 7 whole days… that too in a mountainous reigion in morroco ?! I told him constant calls and messages were ridiculous and then u decided to take calls outside and turn phone on silent for the group that makes me more paranoid! He said i was jealous and i said I AM i said i am tired of competing with ur friends. Why should u see this as oh i went out 6 times with my friends let me take my wife out now once keep her sweet. I go im tired i cant always be on edge thinking today u might go again to see them. Im trying to change all my tutoring hours to times where i wont need my husband to watch the kids i am trying to do things without being dependent on him. I pay for the childcare because he said you wanted to return to work but i said u wouldnt be able to take on all the outgoings if i became a housewife otherwise id gladly transfer all my direct debits. To be honest working keeps me sane.

I definitely do agree with this. I didnt make an effort whilst i was on maternity leave to be honest i dont have a large friendship group its very small.

The OP has not become "over the top" or "controlling"!
She's an angry woman who has been treated badly by her husband.
Her actions were just reactions to his crap behaviour and attitude!

It's so annoying on MN when people give the impression that any kind of reaction to anything ever is wrong or controlling or some kind of anger issue. Like everyone is completely measured in their own behaviour all day every day no matter what is thrown at them. Really??

OP, I think you need to stop blaming these friends for your husband's behaviour.

He is choosing to go out with them, behave immaturely, book a holiday with no discussion etc.
There is such a word as "No".

I think you are letting him off too lightly by not laying the blame completely at his door.

And "a great father when he is there" is not a great father - it's a great father but only on his terms & when he feels like it!

Wait a minute. He punished you for going back to work by taking on the childcare costs?

This is not a partnership OP.

OP you need to calm down and start acting from a place of certainty, not confusion. Talk to other people you can trust. Try to get therapy for yourself. Look hard at your finances.

Your dh is very weak, proud, selfish, and situational. It doesn’t matter that he was good to you before. Now that he has this group of male friends he defines himself by them and how they treat their wives and children.

Only a stronger, more important, male authority figure will bring him around. But my guess is that since your father is ill he won’t respect his authority for long. Even if you were willing to tell your father what is happening.

Look around you and draw inspiration from famous, independent, brave women. I don’t think you will get anywhere—in fact I don’t think its safe—fighting with your dh or wrecking his clothes. He may start to lash out physically. He may hurt you.

weve split costs roughly 50/50 with outgoings , to be honest the childcare cost isnt a lot but he has to leave work early to get the little one and he keeps the little one on fridays so i dont pay for an extra day. Money isnt an issue between us we spend on each other and the kids

I do feel like his making me think i am being over the top or unreasonable or have mental issues.

at the moment i am still sat in my car and i left the house 2 hours ago. I actually dont want to go back yet. I am trying to process everything. Im thinking i became too dependent on him and shared every little thing with him … yet his attention wasnt there … he always said for a man the best thing in life is having peace at home.. he said there is no point in working away and not enjoying life and spending time with family the wife and children are priority and friends come and go……
i feel like because he remains calm i look worse in the situation by lashing out or how i threw his clothes on to the floor but i dont know how else to cope.

I’d tell him a divorce is non refundable and that you will be consulting with a solicitor if he doesn’t cancel….

Even before you stated you're Asian, I had recognised that by the tenor of the conversation.
He's disrespecting you and gaslighting you because he's been adversely influenced by his peers......."The little woman's at home and can look after the kids as MY needs/wants have priority."

You say he's changed in the last year so clearly these friends aren't a good influence. It doesn't sound as tho you're a team anymore, they are pulling him away from you.
In a committed relationship, who the hell would do this, book a week away without telling their partner?

You pay for all the childcare because you wanted to return to work, but if you didn't work, he couldn't afford to pay all the bills?

Tell him that he needs to pay his share of the childcare costs. What a ridiculous man he is.

He can remain calm because it’s not him who is being gaslighted and told to accept the unacceptable, and that he’s wrong to object! The fact is that in this situation, he has manipulated you into thinking that you are in the wrong, but you’re not! Look at all the people here who agree with you and refute all that he is telling you. There’s nothing wrong with you, and it’s completely understandable to lose your cool when you’re pushed so far like this. You’re hurt by his behaviour, disappointed to miss out on a trip you were looking forward to, angry at being deprived of a holiday for yourself, hurt that he prefers to spend the week with friends rather than you and the dc, hurt by his response to you, and being told that all these responses are unreasonable! On top of working as a teacher, and doing all the childcare and the domestic load.

@Anonymous20003000 what he has done is really unacceptable - and he is gaslighting you into thinking you are in the wrong.

my DH (partner of 32 years, married 22) has always gone away with his mates every year - golf trip that started with the same 10 men from work 35 years ago, and recently he goes to a grandprix somewhere in the world with his best mate (they both lost two joint best mates 2-3 years ago to cancer and a hit and run and decided they didn;t want to only meet at funerals).

I’ve never had an issue as one of the reasons for the trips is that these guys DON’T get to see each other regularly in between, but their friendships date back 30-45 years. I know their wives, have been to their weddings (and they to ours). I know, as they are in similar jobs and/or have worked together that they have similar values and conduct their marriages on similar lines of mutual respect and prioritising the family. Whilst he doesn’t ask permission to go anymore - he (and all parties to either trip) always check with wife/kids before booking to ensure they are not away for key family events.

A couple of my DH’s friends are joining/taking my teens on ski trip next year having done so this year - I have a fear of high/open spaces and skiing is hell for me. They look after my kids (both on the autism spectrum but, strangely, brilliant snowboarders) and give wives a break. I get treated to a spa day, some of the wives meet up for a night out, all as a thank you for allowing (wrong word, maybe ‘being okay with’?) them having a blokey sport/beer break.

This is normal and respectful. Your DH has fallen in with a group of men who are possibly intentionally undermining your marriage. I, personally, would give him an ultimatum. Cancel or find somewhere else to live when he comes back. Best to waste the money he’s spent on the holiday now than have the expense of a divorce (and chances are, he may get some of the money back anyway, having booked so recently).

I wish you luck, but can only reiterate that his behaviour is NOT normal or acceptable. A loving father, a respectful husband, doesn’t do this. He is neither and you are best off without him if he cannot see this.

I don't see anywhere where you refute his comment that you're not working as you're on maternity leave or his assertion he's doing more than his fair share.

That tells you that he doesn't see bringing up his children and managing all you do in the house as work.

Nor does he see he has to do whatever needs doing in relation to the house and kids.

This is not a mature or sustainable relationship as it stands.

OP, he forced you to pay for childcare if you wanted to return to work?
That is financially abusing you and coercive control.
A crime. Do you realise that?

I mean it very kindly but such is your unbelievably low standards and relationship bar, you are completely oblivious to the fact that you are in a really controlling abusive relationship.

Clearly your background is such that it facilitates abuse by making you feel that you cannot tell the truth.

Decent loving parents would swoop in and support you.
They would be appalled at the reality of what you have endured over the past two years.

You desperately need to contact domestic abuse organisations and spell out what is occurring.

You and your children are being abused.
You have fought so hard to have children with this abusive man.
Who paid for IVF?

While you protect this abusive man, you are not protecting your children.
Remember that.
Tell your friend the truth.

If he goes on the holiday, I think you should change the locks.
Yes, he has rights, but you can say you lost your keys, got new locks, and tell him go to court to access the home.
I would take it that him leaving the home for the holiday is him leaving you and the children and do not allow him to return.
Let him go to court.
He thinks he can gaslight you that this is acceptable.
You need to show him that you are not accepting this.
That you know his behaviour is abusive and you are taking action.