Husband going away

[Anonymous20003000]

Okay i want to start by saying we have been married 15 years and have 2 kids. We both work full time. Mu husband is a hard worker and provides and we also go on holidays etc.
I will admit i share everything with my husband however he is the opposite he naturally doesnt really talk about his feelings.

anyway i had our son 2 years ago and we were both over joyed however because i went on maternity leave my husband had more time to go and see his friends meaning he wasnt restricted with my work schedule. This then increased to two three times a week of eating out with them. They were all in a group chat etc phone calls often and msgs etc. anyway at one point they all realised it was a bit much and they should all focus on their families. So this reduced to meeting once a week. Anyway one evening my husband said he and his friends were going to go europe for 3/4 days in half term. I assumed he was joking or they were just planning and i laughed and said er ok but yeah u do that u wont have a hone to come to jokingly as im left with 2 kids over half term. However i secretly planned a getaway for us . Anyway the next day i just mention oh yeh are u guys messaging? Trip discussion? He goes oh yeh were booked for morroco for 7 days and ive paid for the hotel and flights. I said what?!!? You didnt think to mention that to me?! I then asked did his friends do the same thing he said well one hasnt told his wife yet and might just tell her day before.

im actually very upset i wouldnt physically stop him going but surely i deserved to be told something like this?? What do you all think?

So you contribute equally to finances, do all the childcare, cooking, cleaning etc. and all he does is go to work? He left you on your own for 3 nights a week when you had a new baby and he thinks that you are being unreasonable?

It's like his head has been turned by his cool mates (who sound like dickheads).

Surely you've lost all respect for him? You could cope easily without him.

Don't beat yourself up for being distracted by your newborn baby and put any blame on yourself for that.
He took full advantage of you being distracted by caring for a child which he helped to create to have a bit of fun and slink happily back into a single type lifestyle.

He didn't have to do that, he could have been there supporting you, making sure you weren't too tired, taking up the slack around the house etc etc.
He didn't and it speaks volumes.

Like many others on here I speak from experience. I let this kind of thing go too when I was deep in the trenches of breast feeding etc and I shouldn't have. It didn't end well.
You need to address this now and if he can't see it and won't attempt to change then you do need to seriously think about whether your future is with him.

Take the week he is going to actually see what he brings to your life because I suspect not very much - and I would tell him that as well that you are taking the week to see what life is like without him because he gets away with bringing nothing to table

So like i said i wasnt sleeping in the same bed as him for past few days. So i went to him and woke him up and laid it all on the line. Told him how i felt and it wasnt okay and he should have told me his plan changed to 7 days and to morroco.
i told him id like to not involve family or anyone apart from going to marriage councelling. He said he needed a break and deserved it because hes been working non stop…. I said so do i and i do all the cooking and cleaning and take care of the kids realistically it should be something split equally. He crossed a line again saying. Iwasnt working whilst on maternity yet he did more than his fair share.
i told him its how he went about it all and did not even properly ask me. I am ashamed to admit i had a mini breakdown and took all his clothes out the wardrobe and told him to go and leave us then as he is placing me in the same level as his friends. I have realised i do have anger issues and my mood can go up and down suddenly. Told him i cant deal with mental and emotional torture, took his phone and removed him from that stupid friends group. He said he needed time to make a decision and also how to tell them if hes not going and he said he cant cut contact abruptly but in stages……i told him u will do it again and again if i let you go and he said trust me iv learnt a lesson. I said to him i cant deal with it in exhausted and i feel like im on the verge of madness and this has tipped me over the edge. I got changed and grabbed my keys as he said he wanted to hug and kiss me. I filled up my car and come to a cafe to have some breakfast. I also tutor a few hours a week and i dont know if i will go back home in a few hours to do it. He is probably assuming ive gone to do a grocery shop

Why do you think you have anger issues? It sounds like he has goaded you beyond restraint! That’s not “anger issues”, it’s just (justified) anger!

It sounds as if you are chronically stressed and in danger of burnout, which doesn’t surprise me given what you’ve said in this thread. That can make it difficult to be resilient and to moderate emotions.
And WTF about being on mat leave and not working! How many babies has he grown inside his body and then birthed? How many babies has he nourished with milk his body has made? It takes 12 YEARS for a mother’s base level of nutrients to return to their levels before she has a baby, and of course the body never does, and he thinks he has a hard time?

OP I would have exploded with rage too. Don’t be gaslit into thinking you have any issues that aren’t related to his terrible behaviour!

You don’t have anger issues, you’ve been worn down. As I said, just let him go. Let him show you who he is, then leave.

Absolutely agree, don't fall into the MN theory that anyone who legitimately gets cross because of shitty treatment/behaviour has some kind of "anger issue".

Getting cross under these circumstances is completely normal and it's good for him to see how angry his crap, selfish behaviour has made you.

Good for you for laying it on the line and leaving him to think about it. I would stay out for as long as you can and let him deal with things at home.
When you get back you could have a calmer discussion.
Let's hope he is realising that he can't just do what he wants without discussing it going forward.

Im outside and hes at home now with the kids. Its so peaceful in the car right now. He said ive gone mental and i said maybe i have with almost 2 years of this sort of behaviour. How much can i take . I still feel maybe he still thinks he hasnt spent a lot of time with friends. I asked him how would he feel going away for 7 days knowing he left it like this and then he said thats why im asking if you will happily let me go. I said no i feel like he was manipulating it all. I told him u are obsessed with ur friends its ridiculous. To be honest i did have thought s like i could financially manage without him. He refused marriage counseling saying were both educated and know what we want. Its ridiculous honestly. Its not about whos educated or immature or what not.. i left our bedroom in a state with all his clothes on the floor , dont know if i should go meet my friend for dinner tonight
i dont even know how to react now, ive been sleeping on the sofa downstairs so hes been warming up the bottle and changing little ones nappy in the morning. I went to sleep at 5am and woke up at 9am

I’d cancel your tutoring today as you’re rung out.

I didnt think id be spending my Sunday in a retail car park … i miss my kids its so unfair to them. I love them to bits. All he had to do was limit his outings, once every week would have even been fine tbh but it escalated. The thing is on the exterior he wants to come across as a proud family man always telling others wife and kids first. The thought of separation or divorce would kill him and humiliate him.

i think so too, ive got a few hours until then but i cant see myself putting on an act even though ive been a teacher all my life and its what ive had to do! Weve been through so much especially with my infertility issues.

I dont even want to have another chat anymore i feel mentally and emotionally drained. Lack of sleep and crying so much my eyes are a state!
I feel like ive said everything i could but i think if he doesn’t go he expects everything to go back to normal or he will hold it against me and i will trapped in that sense.

Apologies for not RTFT so please ignore this if things have moved on.
Your language early on is very interesting, OP. You talk about him 'providing', 'treating' you all, 'helping out' etc. Either he is gaslighting you or, through focusing on wanting a happy family life, you are contributing to this idea that he's 'the man of the house'. It comes across as though you are quite dependent on him. I hope it works out.

OP, you do not have anger issues.
After a year of your husband behaving like a single man and a really selfish bastard you have snapped.
Most women would not have tolerated this for a minute.
He would have found the key in the door preventing him returning.
Honestly, it really is not normal to book a week away and tell your wife as an afterthought.
I have never heard of it. Not a chance any woman I know would tolerate it for a moment.
He is a very lazy selfish man who thinks and treats you like a complete mug.
He hasn't an ounce of respect for you or the relationship ye have.
Don't kid yourself.
Do not apologise for your anger.
The fact that you do this lazy wasters laundry and shoppibg, cooking is really sad.
I feel so sorry for you that you would allow yourself to be treated like this.
You and your children deserve better.
Keeping this all secret protects him and his awful behaviour.
Big mistake.
Far better to tell family you will likely be splitting because of his unreasonable behaviour.
Shame him.
He is a disgrace.

This doesn’t sound like a happy marriage. It sounds like one where your DH wants to walk all over you and I think you have become a bit over the top and controlling (removing him from the group chat and taking his phone, talking about hiding his passport) because of it.

I think you need to both remember the most important people who will be affected here is the kids. They’ll be watching you both and learning, and I can’t imagine right now it is a happy household.

Your DH saying you did nothing on your 3 months of maternity leave makes me cringe. I think you put up with way more than I could.

Maybe it’s best that he goes away for 7 days, then you can go away for some time alone too. Then after that maybe think about counselling if you both still think there is something there.

You feel stuck because you know if he goes away you’ll resent him, but if he doesn’t go away it’s just the same old same old unhappiness.

I personally think he takes advantage of you, treats you like a doormat and is a narcissist. But there you go. I don’t know him or you do I.

I think he booked the 7 night break away because he knew you’d stay with him, he takes advantage of the fact you let him take the piss.

He has abused you for two years by his behaviour.
He is a street angel and a house devil.

You write he would be humiliated if the truth came out and the marriage split?

That is why you need to tell him to leave.
That his behaviour is so unreasonable he needs to leave the house.

Tell your family and friends the truth about him.

I really think you could benefit from call domestic abuse charities because his behaviour is completely unreasonable and you have been gaslit by him for two years.

Tell your parents and friends the truth.
He behaves like this because you protect him with secrecy.

Stop keeping up his lie that he is a good man.

He's not.
He's a shit husband and father.

The thing is on the exterior he wants to come across as a proud family man always telling others wife and kids first. The thought of separation or divorce would kill him and humiliate him.

He really should put his money where his mouth is, then, shouldn’t he?

We havent argued in front of the kids ive made sure theyre not there but over all my eldest is smart and will know something isnt right. Its not fair on them if im teary or snappy.
i know with how my husband would word things itd make me look like the lunatic. My family would try everything to keep us together (
im asian - trust me when i say it plays a big part in everything) my dads a heart patient and i cant imagine the toll it would take on him. We were happy really happy we did so many things together its just when all of a sudden this group of friends became an obsession. Like as i was talking to him i saw the group notification message go off so i took it and exited the group. I feel like with him not acknowledging it i am doing stupid things and lashing out. How much spare time do his friends have if theyv got wives and kids its ridiculous,

The only people who benefit from secrecy in an abusive marriage is the abuser.

You have lied for years about the type of man he is.

Can you drive to family and tell the truth to them?

Your lying to family and friends about who he really is makes everything so much harder for you.

There is no shame in telling people the truth.

The shame is all HIS.

To put it in perspective. My husband felt guilty that he hadn’t realised the rugby festival he and my eldest are at today is going on til 4 instead of his usual time of 1. Apologised profusely and tidied house (with me but he drove it) yesterday. Also sent me suggestions of what to do with younger two today.

To go away for a week as though it has no impact on you because he deserves it is mental. Gaslighting you into feeling like you’re asking too much is revolting. Not even seeing this as something he has done wrong makes me think there is something actually wrong with him.

He doesn’t want to go to the marriage counselling because gaslighting doesn’t work when there’s a witness.

Perhaps it would be of benefit for you to book the counselling and any childcare. If he still refuses to go, go alone. You might find it gives you some clarity x

If your family knew about this plan of his, and about the disrespect he shows you, wouldn’t they support you? At least give him an absolute bollocking?

So - he’s telling you he cares more about upsetting his friends than his wife and kids - losing his money rather than the holiday deposit you any have put down for the holiday you basically told him you’d organised.

OK