Husband going away

[Anonymous20003000]

Okay i want to start by saying we have been married 15 years and have 2 kids. We both work full time. Mu husband is a hard worker and provides and we also go on holidays etc.
I will admit i share everything with my husband however he is the opposite he naturally doesnt really talk about his feelings.

anyway i had our son 2 years ago and we were both over joyed however because i went on maternity leave my husband had more time to go and see his friends meaning he wasnt restricted with my work schedule. This then increased to two three times a week of eating out with them. They were all in a group chat etc phone calls often and msgs etc. anyway at one point they all realised it was a bit much and they should all focus on their families. So this reduced to meeting once a week. Anyway one evening my husband said he and his friends were going to go europe for 3/4 days in half term. I assumed he was joking or they were just planning and i laughed and said er ok but yeah u do that u wont have a hone to come to jokingly as im left with 2 kids over half term. However i secretly planned a getaway for us . Anyway the next day i just mention oh yeh are u guys messaging? Trip discussion? He goes oh yeh were booked for morroco for 7 days and ive paid for the hotel and flights. I said what?!!? You didnt think to mention that to me?! I then asked did his friends do the same thing he said well one hasnt told his wife yet and might just tell her day before.

im actually very upset i wouldnt physically stop him going but surely i deserved to be told something like this?? What do you all think?

Well he has lost your respect over this.. but that doesnt seem to bother him.
.. and lose the mindset that he 'helps out'... he is a parent.. he should be hands on.. with the kids, in the house etc.. he not doing you a personal favour!!!

Well then you have to say he can't go. And put up with him resenting you. Which one would be worse? That would have to be your choice, we can't decide for you.
personally id rather let him go, so he can't hold that against you, even though I would resent it. I'd rather that and then hope to resolve things when he came back rather than have him being resentful around me for all of half term. I think the two of you being apart will give you, if not him, some perspective.

I told him if he goes to not even video call us or ask to see the kids, itl be a full week of no contact. Why should he call etc

Only if you allow it to be. Find a way to ruin his plan, if you think he’ll be ok with the kids that is. Go away the day before.

Spend some money on yourself. Deal with him when you get back.

Or let him go and feel the resentment grow. I’m sorry, I’m kind of like the devil who sits upon your shoulder.

You have let this man have a woman, children/childbirth, the home a woman builds, cooking, cleaning to be treated like this and that’s sad. You need to start demanding respect. Ideally just drop this one, he sounds very npd I’m afraid. Just get rid, this one has no respect for you.

If he goes, at least he’s out of the way if you want to consult a divorce lawyer.

He doesn’t respect you, he doesn’t value your contributions to the family (or he wouldn’t take them for granted) and he is more interested in what his mates think about him than what the mother of his children thinks.

You can accept that and be treated like crap, or you can realise you are worth far, far more.

The resentment will grow if i let him go i just know it will, i wont be calmer in terms of headspace when he comes back. Id have been with the 2 kids! So either way i dont see a win win situation here. I just see an situation which could have been easily avoided

im really done with this, i see our marriage as having cracks now but he doesnt see any? He says im being childish

So he is being an adult when he flakes off with his buds on a weeklong holiday presuming his wife will mind his two children.

But you are being childish when you complain about this.

tomorrow morning head out somewhere leaving him with his 2 kids until way after bedtime. Text him once you've left. Say you are meeting up with friends. If he complains tell him he is being childish. I really think you should do this.

He is the one being childish and very selfish.

Whats one day when hes away for an entire week during half term

But i have planned to meet a friend tomororw evening

that evening should start at 7 am tomorrow. Just leave him to it.

It isn't going to solve anything - I'm not sure what will. Talking about this like adults maybe but you are stuck engaging with a teenager who wants to go on hols with his pals and all the other mums said it is ok so whine whine whine.

but at least you'll screw up his sunday and give him an idea of how a day alone with children actually feels.

He's a selfish twat, quite frankly.

He knows he's in the wrong and he's desperately trying to find a way to shift it to being your issue to relieve himself of any responsibility.

Does he really expect you to believe that all the other wives are overjoyed that their husbands are pissing off after planning a holiday together without so much as a mention to you?
Perhaps the ones that are ok with it aren't facing half term with no break because of their partners selfishness - ie not in term-time jobs and the children will be in nursery as usual..

Have you shown him this thread to show him how many people thinks he's the one being unreasonable, not you!! Please show him, and I'll reiterate, he's (HE IS, not you!!) an arsewipe of a husband and a selfish twat!!

Good! Go out, forget him and work out how you’re going to train him to show you respect or you drop him. Good luck 🤞

Look up @ thequeenmakerofficial on TikTok. She’s very correct about male psychology.

Also, look up npd, it could save you a lot of years x

OP, either way I would say your marriage is over.
I think you know that.
He has behaved so poorly, going out 2-3 times to eat, like a single man, leaving you too it.
Don't kid yourself that good husbands and fathers behave like this.
Booking a week away is just another step.
He expects you to suck it up, like you have all year.
You and the children are not his priority.
We teach people how to treat us and unfortunately he thinks you should accept this.

I think you will look back at this time as when you realised your marriage was at the beginning of the end.
His decision and actions, not yours.
Preventing him from going will solve nothing.
Let him go.
But use that time to gather support around you and organise yourself.
Hevis no longer your partner.
He's a single man suiting himself, living with you.
You need to stop doing anything for him.
He has done absolutely nothing to support you and the children bar pay his part of the bills, the bare minimum.
He's another selfish loser.
I am so sorry.
You deserve better.

So he’s expecting you to not have a break all your half term holiday because you’ll have the children whilst he has 7 days of complete holiday / rest.

I’m not sure I’d be able to get past the selfishness of all of this without even looking at the wider picture. He’s saying he’ll lose the respect of his friends but obviously doesn’t give a shit about his actual family and how they might feel.

I’m so sorry you’ve been put in this situation. I know how exhausting teaching is and how much a break is needed.

My position is a little different... The devil is in the detail...

(I need to say.. My father was appalling at being 'out' all through our childhoods... Literally, 4pm til midnight /early hours... At least twice weekly, and a lot of weekends away... Hugely damaging to us /family life...)

To me, yes of course he should have been taking a full role in parenting your tiny children.

But if he was literally out for an hour a few times a week... (after kids were in bed for example... Idnjaven been OK with this...)...

Do you think he’s EVER been out for an hour? Leave house, get to friends maybe 10 mins later at best, socialise for 30 mins, say goodbyes, walk back in door 60 minutes later? Not bloody likely.
even if this extremely unlikely scenario were true, where are the ops 180 minutes?

As many others have said, this is outrageous behaviour on his part and it shows you how he views you, his marriage & his commitment to being a father.

It's not the weeks holiday as such - it's the not discussing it with you, it's the arrogant assumption that he can plan a week away and that you will happily cover his 50% of the household chores, the parenting etc without being asked and it's the spending of family money on just himself and his enjoyment.
The going out for three nights a week was bad enough and it seems that only stopped because someone else's wife didn't like it?

He is taking huge advantage of you and your good nature here & I think you need to have a very frank discussion with him about your future together.
Lay it on the line and make it clear that unless he makes some serious changes to his attitude he is going to lose you and 50% of his time with his children.

The time to act is now because if you don't he will continue with this selfish semi-single man's lifestyle and the resentment you will feel will become unbearable.

And as others have said, taking his own kids to school and whatever else he does to contribute is not him "helping out", 50% of everything relating to the household and the kids welfare is his responsibility.

And that's every day, every week, every year - not just when it suits him.

How utterly disrespectful of you and your family.

In your position im not sure how I could find a way to proceed with the marriage.

He is clearly going on this trip whatever you say. But you want him to see what that means for you. So it has to have serious consequences.

1. Spend the week finding a solicitor and speak to see.rightsofwomen.org.uk
2. Tell him to go elsewhere when he gets back to the Uk. His parents, a travel lodge, wherever. He’ll have his essentials with him so no problem there.
3. Arrange some Relate sessions. Either they will help you to process, or they might help him to understand what his behaviour is (my ex was startled to be told that the counsellor didn’t think me unreasonable at all).
4. Decide if he can fix what he has done, or if your life is easier when he lives elsewhere, and proceed from there.

I really think, from what you have said about his behaviour over the last year, that you’re right- he won’t change back (why would he?) unless there are some unpalatable consequences for him. He has learnt to treat you and your children with utter disregard and disrespect, and you don’t deserve that.

My daughter when she was a pre-teen used to call me childish as a strategy to divert from my discussion about behaviour. Don’t listen to him, it’s utter b*.
I think you need to stop being scared he’ll go. Let him go. Let him show you just how horrible he is and leave him.

I'm afraid this is right. My husband pulled this kind of shit and now our marriage is almost completely like flatmates with his mates the priority. Don't be me.