To delete my alcoholic mums shopping delivery?

[pontipinemum]

I'll start by saying I am a recovering alcoholic so I have a strong understanding of what she is doing.

My mum is an alcoholic, she would never in a million years admit that but 100% she is. She is supposed to have been off the booze 5 years since she had a major health issue. The doctors all warned her that needed to be it.
She has been having another serious health issue the last few months. I didn't think it was drink related but now I think drink is playing a large part.

I knew she had been drinking, I found an empty bottle at her house, voice was a bit off, texts were all very off. But i thought it probably wasn't too much. Her sister told me about 1 episode too.

She had a HUGE relapse last week. Believe me I am not judging I have been there. Me and her siblings have been supporting her. I don't live locally but 2 of her sister have been fantastic.
I logged into her online shopping account (password is saved to my laptop from before). Very intrusive I know. For months she has been ordering 10 bottles of wine every 4 to 5 days. Then a bottle of gin every 2 weeks and some beers.

I told her I knew she had been drinking and that I get it she just denied it. She said her slip last week was completely because of me stressing her out, long story, yes I've caused her stress but her response was not my fault.

I told her I had found bottles in her house and she said she didn't know how they got there. She lives alone and the house was completely vacant before she moved in.

Anyway she hasn't ordered anything all week but I recon there were reserves. I now see an order for tomorrow with 10 bottles of wine and a bottle of gin..

What do I do!? Cancel the order? Ask her sister to be there when the order arrives?

I can't discuss this with DH because of how she raised me (or to the point didn't she abandoned me to a relative and took me out when it suitrd her) and her general attitude he has never been her biggest fan

But I don't want her to drink herself to death.
She's texting me all the right thing right now. I even said to make sure all is out of her house she needs no temptation. .

No advice but I know how intensely heartbreaking this all is... it's awful how easy it is to feed an alcohol addiction. I'm so sorry you're dealing with it.

She needs professional help, cancelling her order isn’t going to stop her making another by a different route.

So very sorry , but no . You can’t cancel the order . Lots of love I know how hard this is

You need to disengage and perhaps read up on co dependency. There's absolutely nothing you can do for your mum and she isn't going to stop drinking, no matter what you say.

Delete the booze, she can't complain because she doesn't admit she ordered any.

Cancelling her order wouldn't change anything, she would get the booze somehow and also big issue of trust. Help needed clearly, those steps to take, but a big cut off will only cause more problems. X

Ive tried to get her to go. She won't. I've tried coaxing her with different options. She refuses them all.

I know she will find another way. But she can't walk more than a few feet at a time due to her condition, which I now.believe to be down to alcohol. What she said she has the consultant has she is showing minor signs but not got it. What she does have is a lot of alcohol related illnesses. She's back in on Monday to the doctors but I obviously don't know what it is she says to them.

Basically what I'm getting at is she can't get to the shops she will have to try get another delivery.

If I do cancel it she can't say anything because 1 she won't know it was me. And 2 she isn't supposed to order it

Cancel it.

She'll be annoyed and find alcohol another way. If she confronts you tell her you did it because you care. Don't have any expectation it will mean she won't drink though, but you already know that.

I think I'd have to cancel it. I'd just have to, even if it made little or no difference overall

I'm sorry, it must be awful.

Don't cancel it. If she is drinking two bottles a day average and she goes without she would be at risk of seizures. Also as you've said she will do whatever she can to find an alternative..

We had the same situation with my mum many years back. When my brother tried to reduce the amount of alcohol he was picking up for her in her shopping, we found she was asking random people near her flats to go to the shop for her, some of whom exploited her financially. She also fell down the stairs of the flat block because she'd tried to go out to buy alcohol. She wasn't meant to go out on her own as she had nerve damage in her legs, but refused to use any walking aid because she 'didn't have a problem'.

I'm sorry you're going through this. It's very tempting to try and police her, but cancelling the order could be genuinely dangerous, however well intentioned.

Trouble is, you know as do I that you can't cancel it. If she's been drinking that much then she can't go cold turkey. It is so so hard, but you can't control this.
I suggest you tell her you know she's drinking, that you're there to help when she's ready and keep in touch with her and her sisters. I'm so sorry for you, I hope for the best.

No you shouldn't cancel it, it might not even be safe for her to stop drinking so abruptly. She needs professional support but she also needs to be ready and willing to engage with it too. Until then there sadly isn't much you can do.

So very sorry to read this, it must be heartbreaking. I really don’t think you should cancel the order, firstly because there is a risk that if she stops drinking suddenly, she could become acutely unwell very quickly and start fitting. Secondly, she has to want to stop for herself- you could stop Tesco delivering, but there are more ways than ever to get alcohol delivered. Cutting her off, however tempting, won’t force her to stop and may lead her to isolate herself from you.

you can't cancel it but you can be there when it arrives....

Cancel it/don't cancel it. It doesn't matter. My Mum was an alcoholic. She died in July from alcohol related causes. At that stage she couldn't get herself to the shops so a neighbour was buying her booze. Where there is a will there is a way. As a former alcoholic you must know that. Do whatever gives you peace but ultimately it won't help unless she wants to change. I'm sorry, it's awful.

I live too far away. Or I would but I still dont think it'd be the end

She'll just change her password and order more surely. But yanbu to want her to stop. I don't even know her and I want her to stop too.

I'm very sorry to hear about your mum.

I do get it. But also the little girl that did live with her for periods just want to scream at her to stop. She's just texted promising me she had stopped.

I am not going to cancel it because yes as a recovering alcoholic I know I can't force it. Because yes in my worst days I found a way.

Also just discussed it all out with dh because I can't keep anything from him

It won't stop her, it will probably stress her out, and if she works out it was you may cause her to blame you for all sorts of things.

But it definitely will not stop her. Nothing but her own desire to stop and will power will actually stop her.

The problem is your Mum is lying to you. My own Mum called me from the hospital, drunk and said she wasn't drinking and begged me to ask the nurses to let her leave. Days later she was in a coma and died. I think the worst thing for me was the lying. You have to take a step back for your own sake. She'll continue to drink if that's what she wants to do and she'll lie to you to do so. Nothing you say will make a difference. If it could my Mum would still be here. My words weren't enough. Seeing my daughters wasn't enough. It's heartbreaking but you're not responsible for her. She should do better for your sake. Alcoholics are selfish people and they hurt everyone around them enormously.

It's an awful situation for you. I'm wondering if the place she's ordered from will email her to say she's changed/cancelled the delivery so she'll probably just reorder.

I think to protect myself I am going to distance myself from it and just swallow her lies.

I had a pretty serious MH issue diagnosed and I will be going through some intense stuff with a psychologist myself soon

I can't try to fix her as well. I've been trying since I was about 10 years old and clearly have not succeeded. In fact since I was a small child I've been blamed for ruining her life and her needing a drink more than I've ever been thanked for supporting her.

It's heartbreaking but until a alcoholic accepts they have a problem and wants help, there is absolutely nothing you can do and you'll exhausted yourself trying.

Cancelling it won't make a bit of difference. Alcoholics in active addiction will always find a way to get more alcohol.

Congrats on your own sobriety. I wish more people had your success.

You can remove the alcohol only.
But she’ll find another place to order from - like Amazon

Your attempts to intervene will not work. She can just change the password and make another order.

you have to step back and accept that she is allowed to drink herself to death if she wants.

We can’t control our parents. No matter how old we get, it hurts that they don’t want to be sober for us. It hurts that they don’t want to be healthy so we can have a good, long relationship. You have to accept that pain and learn to let it be only a small part of your identity.