To delete my alcoholic mums shopping delivery?

[pontipinemum]

I'll start by saying I am a recovering alcoholic so I have a strong understanding of what she is doing.

My mum is an alcoholic, she would never in a million years admit that but 100% she is. She is supposed to have been off the booze 5 years since she had a major health issue. The doctors all warned her that needed to be it.
She has been having another serious health issue the last few months. I didn't think it was drink related but now I think drink is playing a large part.

I knew she had been drinking, I found an empty bottle at her house, voice was a bit off, texts were all very off. But i thought it probably wasn't too much. Her sister told me about 1 episode too.

She had a HUGE relapse last week. Believe me I am not judging I have been there. Me and her siblings have been supporting her. I don't live locally but 2 of her sister have been fantastic.
I logged into her online shopping account (password is saved to my laptop from before). Very intrusive I know. For months she has been ordering 10 bottles of wine every 4 to 5 days. Then a bottle of gin every 2 weeks and some beers.

I told her I knew she had been drinking and that I get it she just denied it. She said her slip last week was completely because of me stressing her out, long story, yes I've caused her stress but her response was not my fault.

I told her I had found bottles in her house and she said she didn't know how they got there. She lives alone and the house was completely vacant before she moved in.

Anyway she hasn't ordered anything all week but I recon there were reserves. I now see an order for tomorrow with 10 bottles of wine and a bottle of gin..

What do I do!? Cancel the order? Ask her sister to be there when the order arrives?

I can't discuss this with DH because of how she raised me (or to the point didn't she abandoned me to a relative and took me out when it suitrd her) and her general attitude he has never been her biggest fan

But I don't want her to drink herself to death.
She's texting me all the right thing right now. I even said to make sure all is out of her house she needs no temptation. .

I don't know if this would help you, but for me learning about the neuroscience perspective of addiction really helped me. Essentially the idea that if people drink enough, for long enough (how much depends on the person and their experiences) that it starts to rewire the brain. Like pathways in a wood, some pathways become wider and stronger, others are underused and start to disappear. Someone who has developed a chronic addiction gets to the point that they're no longer really making choices. Alcohol/the addiction is making the choice. It takes over the thinking, the decision making. It takes charge of everything.

That isn't to say addiction is hopeless - as you know there are some people who can move past it - but the odds are stacked, and not everyone can/will. But thinking about how addiction changes those thought patterns, changes the wiring, so to speak, helped me to accept why my mum was behaving in a way that harmed others, and herself, when it was against all logic, and against values and beliefs previously held. It helped me stop trying to push her to make the right 'choice' when I accepted that to her, it wasn't a choice. Telling her to stop drinking when she was alcohol dependent was as logical as telling her to stop breathing air.

I would leave her to it. Absolutely shameful of her to blame you for her relapse - that total denial of responsibility for her own actions that is so typical of alcoholics.

You have done so well to get sober yourself. I know this is heartbreaking but she will only drag you down. You can't save her.

She abandoned you, was a shitty mother and now you feel responsable for her? No way OP, focus on the good people in your life and take care of yourself.❤️

You can't control her. If she wants it, she'll find a way. She has to want to stop.

I'm so sorry OP, but your mother is very likely to keep drinking now for the rest of her life. If the pain and stress of alcohol related illness weren't enough for her to resist being pulled back in, nothing you can do is going to stop her. Miracles sometimes happen and people do manage to recover, but given her history, I think its sensible to try to accept that she won't. I'm sure you know as well as anybody that you can't force the cure, and you really don't want to be spending your time monitoring and policing her. It's a fools errand and will hurt you badly. You should look after you. Hold on to and protect your own wellbeing and sobriety.

Print the order and send it to her gp.

My exh is a nasty selfish alcoholic too. I got away
But..your mum. Its heartbreaking

Substitute it with milk ?

Will she kick off at the delivery person if you take the alcohol off the order?

You need to focus solely on your own MH and continued sobriety. She will do what she wants and you are not responsible for her choices or actions . If she asks for help then it’s a different matter .

my dad was an alcoholic and I ordered him his booze in the huge quantities each week from Tesco online as otherwise he’d drive to get it and potentially kill others not just himself. He successfully drank himself to death , his last words were “ pour me a large one for the road “ .
it’s very hard - NACOA might be a source of support for you .

These shared experiences are heart breaking. You cannot be held responsible for your mother op, especially when she does not admit she has a problem.
I would let your closer siblings know and ask their advice, if you have the kind of relationship that allows it or I’d maybe reduce the order so that she has some alcohol, so take half off. And I’d never look at her online order again, if there’s nothing you can do about it it will only cause you stress and you have your own struggles.
If it was my mum though I’d make sure myself or a sibling was there when the order arrived. She knows she has a problem that’s why she’s hiding it and it may push her to admit it.

I'm glad you've decided not to cancel the order OP, as the supermarket will only send her a message confirming the order has been cancelled, so she'll just re-order.

I am SO sorry for what your Mum has put you through over the years, and firmly believe that taking a step back, for the sake of your own MH, is the right thing to do now. While she's not admitting to drinking, there's absolutely NOTHING you can do to help her. So withdraw, and take care of yourself, I think it sounds like you've done all you can, and if she's already at the stage where she isn't physically fit enough to go out and buy her own booze, then I think quite frankly, that she's a lost cause.

Sending a hug your way, and wishing you happiness with a DH who from what you've said, clearly cares about you..

Ugh, I wish I didn't have to spell it out for those who can't read a thread and keep telling op to cancel her order or 'replace it with milk (FFS!)

If you know nothing about a subject, don't comment.

If OPs mum were to go cold turkey from the level she is drinking, it could kill her. Not figuratively, literally. Alcohol withdrawal can kill.

The OP doesn't need that to worry about, regardless of anyone's thoughts in here about 'alcoholics'.

Also wtf about printing the order and sending it to the GP. You think the GP won't know? What do you think it will achieve, seriously? That the GP can magically shame the OPs mum into stopping drinking? That mum will suddenly have a revelation?

Humans don't work like that. Addiction doesn't work like that. The only thing that Op can do here is try and keep herself safe, whole doing what she feels is manageable for her mum - because that's a natural instinct to know that we've done what we can, even if other people are telling us to walk away.

Addiction for family members is heartbreaking. I hope you find a way through this OP.

OP, as I expect you know, stopping alcohol suddenly can cause damaging withdrawal symptoms. She needs to stop under controlled conditions. I know myself how painful it is to see one’s mother doing this but you really can’t force her to stop drinking, it just won’t work.

you may know her password but she will get an email telling her there have been changes to her order so she will know it was you. She will also go straight back in and reorder what you took out

I just wanted to post and say I’m really sorry. My mum is an alcoholic, has been for my 32 years of life and I know the pain, anguish, trauma that comes from it.

You cannot stop her, you know that. It won’t be the end, until she decides. My mums breaking point was me finding her on the floor of her flat blacked out whilst I was 24 weeks pregnant, I hauled her up the stairs and the next day told her if she didn’t stop drinking I would never speak to her again. She chose to stop that day and has been off the booze for 2 and a half years now. But I know deep down that anything can retrigger it. It is out of your hands x

You can’t save her.

This

And if you don't tell her , you can see what she buys over the week

Doesn't help her or you if she is lying about the booze. But least you will know what she buys /how much is drinking

You know the 3 c's - main one can't control , cure or cause it

Totally understand what you’re going through. Had same with mum who after numerous falls ended up in care home. Specialist said she has dementia and forgot how much she was drinking. It doesn’t end well. Ask GP for professional help, you can’t do this alone. Best of luck to you and mum x

My mum is an alcoholic has been for about 20 years, she also denies it. We’ve tried everything to stop her drinking and sought professional help too but nothing has worked, and she finds a way to get alcohol. I wouldn’t bother cancelling it.

Hi OP, my mum died from alcoholism recently. It's shit. Sorry you're going through this. I'd recommend reading and engaging with NACOA if you're not already connected. Helped me come to terms with the 'you can't fix it' part of a parents addiction. Sending love to that little girl who was begging her mum to stop, from another one who did the same.

You have got to step away and stop trying to manage her. You should put yourself and your own family first. She's lying to you and will always choose the alcohol over every person she cares for.

If she's old it's probably too late for her to change.
Can you instead just be more compassionate towards yourself? That means putting your mum at a bit of a distance? It's no coincidence that you became an alcoholic with an alcoholic mother.
You have done something about it and need to use that energy to keep yourself going. She hasn't. I'd be a bit resentful of that tbh and would use that resentment to invest in myself a bit more.

OP you are absolutely amazing...well done. I could write a book about my childhood and alcoholic mother who amazingly just suddenly stopped when I was about 22 (would have been really *ucking helpful when I was 5-16 years but hey ho)...it does not matter how much you try to hide the alcohol/cancel the online delivery in your case, they will find a way. Until THEY WANT TO nothing else will work. I am now 58, brilliant career, 2 gorgeous daughters, wonderful husband but feel such a massive failure due to my childhood.....hope you work it out, I'm still trying xxx

The best thing you can do is get yourself to Al Anon.

You can't control your mother into sobriety. It's true that she will have to hit rock bottom before she will have any chance of deciding (herself) that she wants to begin her recovery.

"Detach with Love". Really, if you're not part of an Al Anon group please look up your local meetings. It will change your life. It did mine.

Sending love