To delete my alcoholic mums shopping delivery?

[pontipinemum]

I'll start by saying I am a recovering alcoholic so I have a strong understanding of what she is doing.

My mum is an alcoholic, she would never in a million years admit that but 100% she is. She is supposed to have been off the booze 5 years since she had a major health issue. The doctors all warned her that needed to be it.
She has been having another serious health issue the last few months. I didn't think it was drink related but now I think drink is playing a large part.

I knew she had been drinking, I found an empty bottle at her house, voice was a bit off, texts were all very off. But i thought it probably wasn't too much. Her sister told me about 1 episode too.

She had a HUGE relapse last week. Believe me I am not judging I have been there. Me and her siblings have been supporting her. I don't live locally but 2 of her sister have been fantastic.
I logged into her online shopping account (password is saved to my laptop from before). Very intrusive I know. For months she has been ordering 10 bottles of wine every 4 to 5 days. Then a bottle of gin every 2 weeks and some beers.

I told her I knew she had been drinking and that I get it she just denied it. She said her slip last week was completely because of me stressing her out, long story, yes I've caused her stress but her response was not my fault.

I told her I had found bottles in her house and she said she didn't know how they got there. She lives alone and the house was completely vacant before she moved in.

Anyway she hasn't ordered anything all week but I recon there were reserves. I now see an order for tomorrow with 10 bottles of wine and a bottle of gin..

What do I do!? Cancel the order? Ask her sister to be there when the order arrives?

I can't discuss this with DH because of how she raised me (or to the point didn't she abandoned me to a relative and took me out when it suitrd her) and her general attitude he has never been her biggest fan

But I don't want her to drink herself to death.
She's texting me all the right thing right now. I even said to make sure all is out of her house she needs no temptation. .

I don't know a lot about alcoholism but this situation made me think about Amy winehouse. When she stopped drinking her body couldn't cope with alcohol withdrawal.

If she has been an alcoholic for some years simply stopping might trigger physical problems, I think your mum is only going to recover if she is convinced that going sober is the right decision to do and get medical support with this.

No, you cannot cancel the order.
She is an adult with mental capacity to make her own choices, and she clearly does not want to stop drinking alcoohol.
She has the right to purchase alcohol and have it delivered to her.

"I am just trying to encourage her to slow down on it"

Why? It doesn't seem to help much. And it's telling her and you her drinking is your responsibility. That it's your job to police it.

No, no, no it isn't your job or your responsibility. OP you must find a way to understand this. Please ask your MH professionals to find you help for this enmeshment. It is hurting you, consuming your attention, day in day out. And so far as we can see, only enabling your mother - and not helping her in the slightest.

I expect you are terrified of letting go. But honestly the harm is coming from you clinging on to your role as Mum-saviour. It is a curse that you will need a lot of help to shake off, but either you do that work, or you are here in this exact hole until your mother dies.

How nightmarish this must be; I really feel for you.

I don’t think you can intervene in the shopping; but you can be clear that you won’t be believing your mother’s BS about drinking. That should be the limit. Being around alcoholics who are manipulative will do you no end of harm - set a boundary, don’t engage with her when she is drunk or have time when she is drinking. Protect yourself; at the rate she is going then a medical need is coming soon.

Oh and OP look up 'parentification'.

Annoyingly mine only stopped when she got diagnosed with terminal cancer, she's missed out on 2 wonderful grandchildren, who i know she would have adored. Addiction can be bloody awful for both parties.

I often think I should have done more but in all honesty, what can you do? You can be angry, sympathise, nothing works unless that person is ready.

Well done for not stepping in OP.

This is something you know about and could support her with... if she wanted you to.

It must have been very difficult to let her go ahead knowing what harm she is doing.

Sadly, you don't have the power to make another adult stop drinking. It really does have to come from her. She isn't ready yet.

Oh OP, I am crying inside for you. You know how terrible addiction is, you know and understand how all consuming it is. So do I. We are lucky, we got out. We are free. I know your mum could get free too, but you need to step back now. Please let yourself do that. You do not owe her, you cannot change her and you deserve better. Please lean on your DH now, message your mum to say you love her but you're taking some space. I know this will be so difficult, heart breaking, but you can survive and now you must do so.
Give yourself the life you absolutely deserve now. With your loving family. Please do that.
From one survivor to another, you deserve an amazing life, you absolutely do. Xx

I think the post above says it all.
There is nothing, absolutely nothing you can do to stop her.

I don’t know where you are but try really hard and find support for yourself. You can usually get this free.

Imagine your mother hanging off a cliff holding a rope - you are trying to keep hold of the rope to save her.

Eventually her weight will pull you over the cliff with her. What can you do? You can’t keep hold of that rope forever.

Drop the rope - save yourself.