To delete my alcoholic mums shopping delivery?

[pontipinemum]

I'll start by saying I am a recovering alcoholic so I have a strong understanding of what she is doing.

My mum is an alcoholic, she would never in a million years admit that but 100% she is. She is supposed to have been off the booze 5 years since she had a major health issue. The doctors all warned her that needed to be it.
She has been having another serious health issue the last few months. I didn't think it was drink related but now I think drink is playing a large part.

I knew she had been drinking, I found an empty bottle at her house, voice was a bit off, texts were all very off. But i thought it probably wasn't too much. Her sister told me about 1 episode too.

She had a HUGE relapse last week. Believe me I am not judging I have been there. Me and her siblings have been supporting her. I don't live locally but 2 of her sister have been fantastic.
I logged into her online shopping account (password is saved to my laptop from before). Very intrusive I know. For months she has been ordering 10 bottles of wine every 4 to 5 days. Then a bottle of gin every 2 weeks and some beers.

I told her I knew she had been drinking and that I get it she just denied it. She said her slip last week was completely because of me stressing her out, long story, yes I've caused her stress but her response was not my fault.

I told her I had found bottles in her house and she said she didn't know how they got there. She lives alone and the house was completely vacant before she moved in.

Anyway she hasn't ordered anything all week but I recon there were reserves. I now see an order for tomorrow with 10 bottles of wine and a bottle of gin..

What do I do!? Cancel the order? Ask her sister to be there when the order arrives?

I can't discuss this with DH because of how she raised me (or to the point didn't she abandoned me to a relative and took me out when it suitrd her) and her general attitude he has never been her biggest fan

But I don't want her to drink herself to death.
She's texting me all the right thing right now. I even said to make sure all is out of her house she needs no temptation. .

Having been in that situation I know it's a hard one to be in. If it were me I'd cancel it but I also agree with other posters saying she would just find another way to get hold of it.

My DM would have spells where she would binge. Maybe a day or two. Maybe a week or two. Then she might go a few days, weeks, months without, then repeat. I ran out of ways to try and help and in the end I left her to it.

That might sound harsh but when you've tried everything it becomes exhausting. You can't talk to them when they've been drinking because they'll tell you what they think they want you to hear. You can't talk to them after they've been drinking because they're ashamed or in denial and don't want to talk about it.

We lost my DM last year and while it wasn't strictly alcohol related the drinking it hadn't been helping her general health, and it was off the back of her drinking a bottle of gin a day for 8 days straight. Obviously hindsight is 20/20 but I wish I would have gone over and poured it away. It would have made it harder for her to drink but you can't be with someone 24/7 and I know she would have just gone out and got more as soon as I left.

My thoughts are that deleting the order will make it harder for your DM to drink, and it'll take away the temptation of having the drink in the house, but I'd be prepared to see her use a different account, or a different supermarket, or a different ordering platform to get what she wants.

I would want to cancel it too. But as others have said, it may cause more damage than it solves.

You could reduce the number of bottles in the order. But, if she's seeing the GP soon, I'd ring her surgery and ask for my concerns to be noted. I'm sure her GP will notice or be aware too. But I also know when I've had to do that for a relative, the GP asked more probing questions without saying a concern had been raised.

Don't cancel it.
I had a close family member with a gambling addiction and also an ex with an alcohol problem.. when you get involved to this extent it doesn't actually help. I know because I did things like removing credit cards.. pouring bottles of wine down the sink.
All it does is give you the responsibility for it and allow them to let themselves feel helpless. It puts you in a role that isn't sustainable for you. You won't cure them in this way you'll only protect them from consequences for a time.
They have to go on the journey themselves to where they admit they have an issue and start taking responsibility. Unfortunately intervention just doesn't work unless they are actually at that point and even then it needs to be them who take the lead on making decisions.
Doing things like cancelling their alcohol order behind their back.. all it's going to do is harm you psychologically because of the role it places you in.
The only thing you can do is keep talking to them and trying to get them to acknowledge the issue, keep reminding them you are there to support them.

@pontipinemum You need to apologise your 10 year old self and absolve her from blame. She/you have no repsonsibility for your mother's choices, lifestyle or alcoholism.

You need to look after yourself now, and you've mentioned that you have your own MH issues to focus on.

Take care of yourself, and love your mother from a distance knowing that you cannot help her, and that you are not to blame.

Thank you to everyone for responding

Just to clarify, I was talking about her siblings. I'm her only child. She's 58 so strongly set in her ways so I know it will be harder. But she should still have decades of life left.

It all came to a head last week with her siblings getting involved. There were confrontations, tears and a lot of promises from her.

As an alcoholic myself I know I can't do anything until she wants. I've caused my fair share of destruction. I've had a few relapses, usually 3 days long and not very much would make me stop. It usually ends in me cancelling my bank cards. But thankfully over the last few years I have been sober the vast vast majority of the time. Hopefully this MH diagnosis and treatment will put the final bit to bed. Part of it is impulse control and attempting to sabotage my own life because I don't deserve it.

I feel very responsible for her though I have since i was a child. I have done a lot of minding her. She has never fully stood on her own two feet even though she thinks she is amazing. Which is probably something I need to work through.

Stopping is really really difficult when your own brain is telling you alcohol is your friend and thr solution to all life's problems. I just wish she could see that it in fact causes half those problems that life is so much better without alcohol.

She does have her own stuff to work through and certainly trauma from my dad leaving her and ending up in a controlling relationship after. But she also needs to stop the "poor me" thing whenever I try to help or her sisters she says we are ganging up on her. So I back off so she doesn't cut me off.

I'll keep going with soft encouragement

So her order arrived. I told her sister who accidently let it slip that we knew about it. She wasn't too happy with me, but didn't give out much because she knew she couldn't. Yes I snooped but it was out of love.

She said she would only have a small bit over the weekend. Both Sat/ Sun I was hardly getting text responses off her and she wouldn't answer her phone because 'she was too tired'

I just feel awful. I know she is feeling really down and low and I don't know how to make her feel better. I feel very responsible for her and I'm not sure why. I think it is because even though I know she should never have said I ruined her life, really I know she isn't wrong her life would have been much better without me. So I feel like I owe her. If it hadn't been for me she wouldn't have been with my prick father who left her high and dry, she then moved in with an abusive (occasionally physical/ sexual but mainly emotional/ control to both of us) man which is when she started drinking.

I'm texting her constant encouragement in the hope something sinks in

We have an alcoholic family member who is now in her 80's but still very fit.
When she seriously started drinking about 10 years ago MIL tried to confiscate the booze but she would try and get the bus into town to buy it or stop strangers and ask for lifts etc. Luckily they lived in a small village where everyone knew her and could keep an eye out but she was seen in the road trying to flag down a car to take her to to shops.
MIL controls the alcohol now by providing it but waters it down.
Unfortunately OP by cancelling the delivery you may inadvertently put your Mum in more danger as addicts will go to extreme lengths, instead i think that you might have to try and come to terms with the fact that you can't do anything.

This stood out to me:

I know she is feeling really down and low and I don't know how to make her feel better. I feel very responsible for her and I'm not sure why. I think it is because even though I know she should never have said I ruined her life, really I know she isn't wrong her life would have been much better without me. So I feel like I owe her

and in particular I don't know how to make her feel better.

OP IT IS NOT YOUR JOB TO MAKE HER FEEL BETTER. Which is just as well as there is absolutely no way you can.

You might as well try to stop it raining. It is utterly beyond your power, and utterly beyond your responsibility. The only person you can help here is you. If you are not in touch with support such as that from Al-anon, this is what you should be seeking. For you, your husband, your children (if you have them). But primarily for you. Fretting about whether to cancel an online order when you know fine well it won't stop your mother drinking - how have you got into this cul-de-sac? It was taking you nowhere, and you were burning so much mental fuel trying to find a way forward though it. There wasn't one, there isn't one.

OP the only person you can help here is you. Please, look after yourself. You have done it once, and 1,000,000 congratulations for that achievement. Please once again, help the one person in this scenario you can help.

@Ambienteamber put it more clearly than I did, theirs was a lovely post

So sorry, this must be heartbreaking. I don't think that cancelling the booze order would help. As you may have found in your own recovery, it is taking responsibility and owning what is happening that helps an addict find a way through, not other people trying to save them. But I really am sorry for the pain this must be causing you.

I feel very responsible for her and I'm not sure why. I think it is because even though I know she should never have said I ruined her life, really I know she isn't wrong her life would have been much better without me. So I feel like I owe her.

Well she has you well groomed. You didn’t ruin her life - try standing over a baby’s crib and saying that to them. It will feel disgusting because how could the infant possibly be responsible

she chose to have you, and by making that choice she signed up for being the one who did the owing.

You owe her nothing. Least of all bleeding yourself dry trying to fill the emotional black hole of an alcoholic.

If you can honestly say you would tell seven year old you or 11 year old you that you owe her because you ruined your mother’s life then you’re as sick as she is.

So I feel like I owe her. If it hadn't been for me she wouldn't have been with my prick father who left her high and dry, she then moved in with an abusive (occasionally physical/ sexual but mainly emotional/ control to both of us) man which is when she started drinking.
I'm texting her constant encouragement in the hope something sinks in

Woah.

Who chose to have sex with your father?
Who chose to have a relationship with an abusive man later? When he abused YOU what did your mother do to protect YOU - her child?

Your mum failed you, not the other way around. You cannot be held responsible for being created. As a child she owed it to you to protect you.

As an alcoholic you KNOW that she's talking shit to make excuses for her alcoholism. That she's pinning it on you is beyond despicable.

Stop feeding this absolute bollocks. Get some therapy before you relapse and FFS find your rage and back away from the toxicity.

Cancelling the order just makes YOU feel in control of her drinking but your DM needs to be the one to take control of it. Call Al-anon (for you) and you need to step back as she needs to work out for herself a better way of coping with lifes challenges than blotting out her problems with alcohol. If she won't accept help to address it then it's her decision, not yours. You can't be the parent to her that she never was to you, nor can you make her "happy". It's sad, but you have to mentally step back and protect yourself so as not to trigger yourself.

@pontipinemum your last post is one of the saddest things I think I’ve read on mumsnet. Nothing about her life is your fault. She is the one that made those choices, that has ended up in the situation she’s in. You had no choice being born to such a terrible mother, you were completely helpless - never feel guilty. She’s pathetic. Are you seeing a counsellor? If not I would very much suggest you do, they may be able to help you with those feelings and support you. Your mother has made the choice over and over to be an alcoholic, to treat her family like shit. She’s made her bed, go low contact for the sake of your sanity and enjoy life- you deserve it. Quitting an addiction is one of the hardest things to do in life, you should be so proud of yourself. Don’t risk compromising it by being around someone like her.

Objectively I know it is silly to feel this way. And no I would never say that to a child.

I lived with her through my teens and from age 12 ish she used to tell me to stop her eating junk/ help her to lose weight/ not let her drink too much. Inevitably each night she cracked open that 2nd bottle of wine/ or 'snuck' some liquor out of my step dads cabinet and then eat a load of cheesy bread sticks. Next morning it was my fault for not stopping her.

Little 12yr old me went to the library and got out a book on dieting and wrote her out a diet plan which she didn't stick to. I had put a lot of effort into that.

Please don't blame yourself for any of this. She is an adult who makes her own choices. You can have some empathy for how her life turned out but none of it is your "fault". Nor do you "owe" her anything.

You've had some good advice on this thread, so I won't repeat it but please do get some support for yourself from people who understand.

@AluckyEllie I am waiting to start seeing a psychiatrist again soon. I have been to in patient treatment for MH in 2020 but I had been drinking in the lead up so they mainly just treated that. Since then I have thankfully been mainly sober. I am sorry to say I have had some slips but they are very few and far between now. I am suffering from sever post natal depression right now and trying to navigate a BPD diagnosis. I am lucky my GP has been amazing

@Blackberriesandcobwebs as an alcoholic myself can I go to Al-Anon? I didn't want to feel like I was intruding/ making their space unsafe

I think it would be good for you - and her in the long run - if you could write this down and tell her NONE of this us your fault and you refuse to carry her guilt for her anymore.

She chose to have a child, she chose to stay with an abuser of herself AND HER CHILD, she chose to put the foods and booze in her mouth.

Write it all out, purge yourself of it all. You could send it to her - why not, she's drinking herself to death anyway so you might as well give her a bloody good excuse for another bottle!

It's time you did this then stepped back. You can't save her from herself.

I have told her many of these things over the years. But I am 'lying' or 'exaggerating' 'you were a child you can't remember correctly'

She is the ultimate victim. Nothing is ever ever her fault. Starting with how her parents did wrong by her, they raised me for 12 yrs they were good people. I have to so fecking everything for her she just 'keeps meaning to do it'. I have stepped back a lot and when she says she needs to do something I say yes you do need to. She is waiting for me to do it like always.

DH is still annoyed the day before I went into the MH hospital myself she got me to sort out moving her electricity, sort car insurance and figure out how to get her new driving licence which she lost (UK licence but we not longer live in the UK so it was annoying). He says that is her all over takes what she can get. But I always get fooled into thinking she can't do these things for herself. She can play me so well

Then you are flogging the proverbial death horse OP.

You know you can't help her yet you are still tied to her with imagined guilt.

Cut yourself loose. You will still.care and love her, but at arms length emotionally. Detach. Step back. Put space between you.

This

It's better she is confronted with her behaviour. Don't let on you know her password then you can keep am eye on this.

I don't think you can stop her buying alcohol if she wants to. If you cancel this order she just them makes another one. Are you going to check her account every day? What if she makes an order with a different supermarket? Or she could simply go directly to a store

Not sure what to recommend but have been there with my mum. Cancelling will only delay the situation and no doubt annoy her and encourage her to drink more but you have my sympathys

@ZenNudist @Nogaxeh @ThisHangryPinkBalonz I didn't cancel it, I knew that would only make her angry and lash out and do something possibly dangerous. Her sister did tell her we know she bought the drink though.

She has been full of remorse since texting saying she is very low/ depressed etc. But she has been drinking all weekend so of course she feels low. I am just trying to encourage her to slow down on it. I don't think she will ever stop