Getting married in a church as a non-Christian

[Sapnah]

I am British-Indian, fiancé is Welsh and English. We plan to get married next year or early 2026

My side of the family are culturally Hindu but not practicing. I think the last time my brother stepped inside a temple was 5 or so years ago. It’s been a year for me but only due to attending a friend’s wedding. It may sound weird but my family lead a very a areligious lifestyle. We might put candles out for Diwali but we’ve even stopped doing fireworks because of pets.

Fiance on the other hand is very religious and goes to church every Sunday without fail. He is really insisting on a church wedding as it matters to him. We will be doing a blessing at the Hindu temple the day before the main wedding day.

I’m fine with the plans as I don’t care. Don’t really believe in God and neither do my siblings. I was chatting to my SIL (half Indian but more religious than me) and she said “come on, you have to admit it [having a church wedding] is a bit odd. You’re an Indian girl”. My sister piped in as I asked her for back up and she basically agreed but said “you do you”. This was said with alcohol on a hen do.

It’s just got me thinking. Am I being pushed into something by fiancé as he is SO insistent.

Have you had any experience with similar scenarios? I have a Sikh cousin who married a Christian (Sikhs and Hindus intermarry regularly in the part of India we are from). And this cousin wasn’t allowed a Sikh wedding as it was banned due to a non-Christian performing wedding rites being viewed as ritualistic and empty. She said having a church wedding was not an option either for them as it felt equally fake. They did have a Sikh blessing and a civil ceremony.

Am I the weird one?

That is between her and her conscience. Plenty of people do this out of respect for their partner.

I took my vows seriously otherwise what's the point of saying anything??

Because even though I do not believe in God the way the Church is telling me to do it, I believe in the values (which tbh can be found in any/all religions) it represents.
I took my vows and took them seriously. (Probably too much as it happens).

On the other side, it was important fir my dh and I respected that.

So, as I understand it, not being religious myself, the people who help prepare church for such a ceremony are volunteers and are treated poorly by people who have no interest in joining the church. Is that right?

That being the case, I can see why you are reluctant to do it. Would you ever tell such a couple no?

Me and DH married in a church and I’m C of E and he’s an atheist. It meant a lot to me to get married on a church and DH was happy to have it there.

It is not weird at all for one partner to be more religious than the other and to make a wedding decision based on this. I would never ever judge anyone for having their wedding in a religious setting if one party was more religious than the other. You do what works for you!

The Vicar (not me) always has the right not to perform a wedding. Or indeed a baptism. There would always be a balance between pastoral care- how everyone would feel about it- and ‘being right’, if you like. Some vicars would always do what they think is legally/ethically correct. Others would say that honouring the feelings of those affected is equally important.
So in graveyard law, occasionally a memorial will sneak in that doesn’t strictly speaking comply with legal regs around graveyards and no one looks too closely.

Going back to weddings, it’s a bit like the difference between a home and a hotel. The expectations are a bit different. The church is home to the congregation, they know how to behave and what to expect. If the couple are from a church background they understand the culture of it. That music isn’t a performance, doesn’t get a clap, nor criticism.

If a couple booked a wedding, weren’t members of the church, and turned up expecting they could install a trapeze and fireworks for the vows, the minister would explain that they’d be better suited to a secular wedding setting.

A civic ceremony is a legal contract with fluffy bits added in. A church ceremony is a religious ceremony with legal bits added in.

But that’s a big digression from the OP’s question! Sorry!

I wouldn't say they were terribly religious. Socially religious, perhaps, rather than truly devout.

That's the guests. You should encourage the people being baptised to invite people who are supportive of the decision or perhaps use it as an opportunity to try and convert non believers. Personally I don't attend baptisms or christenings as I don't believe I will attend a wedding and sit there respectfully.

I think, in order to get married in a Catholic church, one half of the couple has to be practicing Catholic. I wonder whether this leads to fewer people turning up to church thinking it's just a pretty building and behaving badly? We also both had to do a marriage course before getting married in church. Im not sure if these things hapoen in the C of E, and I think making this compulsory would address some of the issues mentioned above ( though my DH did resent it, it forced us to address issues like how we would bring up children and what the ceremony was about) I sometimes think the C of E needs to be a bit stricter with these things ( not about the OP who seems to be respectful of religion and is marrying a practicing Christian) but the people who have never seen the inside of a church and rock up because they think the photos look good.

I don't see the problem you aren't religious and he is so why not have a church wedding if it matters that much to him but the bigger question is what do you do when married are you going to church with him every Sunday then ? What about kids will they be raised to his beliefs ? Think you really need to sit down and talk about this together it's much bigger than just the wedding day

The difference with a baptism is that you’re welcoming a child into the family- and we all have family members we don’t get on well with 😅.

It's not weird OP and it's no-one's business except for you, your partner and the vicar.

I'm not religious but DH is Catholic. We married in the Catholic Church - my understanding is that Catholics are required to marry in the Church (including where they marry a non Catholic) unless they have a dispensation to marry in a civil ceremony or another religious ceremony.

Marrying in the Church was very important to DH and was therefore important to me. Had I married a non religious person I would have had a civil ceremony. Marriage is about compromise - DH and I worked to have a ceremony and reception which reflected us as a couple. There were things which mattered more to me than DH and things which mattered more to him.

The deacon and priest at the church we married in did a great job of helping us have a Catholic ceremony which worked for a couple with only one Catholic. They also acknowledged most of the congregation weren't Catholic and they explained everything well so that everyone present could fully follow the ceremony.

I am sure you can similarly have a ceremony which reflects you as a couple and welcomes your family.

Yes, of course it can be done if both parties are open to it. But the basic tenant of 'Thou shalt have no other gods before Me' prohibits it if one partner is particularly strict/observant. That's why it needs to be discussed beforehand.

Although children weren't ever in the equation for him (and that's a tale for another day) my exH would never have countenanced our hypothetical children being raised in any faith but his own. TBH if we had discussed religion re children beforehand, we never would have married in the first place.

I would not see it as hypocritical as she is only doing it because of her spouse. And compromise is part of any relationship.

The vows are made "according to God's holy law. In the presence of God I make this vow". I suppose it's whether either of them actually believes the promise that she's making. If he's the one who is religious why would he expect his wife to vow something to a God he knows she doesn't believe in at all. Quite interesting concept.

I have been to Christian ceremonies but don’t recall promised to God? Rather promises the couple made to each other before God.

Because having a Christian ceremony is very important to him as a practicising Christian. I genuinely don’t see what is so confusing.

Similarly they are having a Hindu blessing in recognition of her belief system.

Interfaith marriages require compromise and that is what this couple is doing. Point is it’s not “hypocritical” to work on a solution that makes both parties to the marriage feel included and respected.

Hypocrisy is claiming one set of values and actually living by another.
I, an atheist, married in a Catholic Church for reasons of making my in-laws happy, and because I wanted all of our guests to witness our vows, and the registry office was too small to fit everyone in.
I was totally honest with the priest, and he kindly and efficiently obtained the bishop's permission for DH to marry "out" . I don't feel that there was any hypocrisy in that.

"Am I being pushed into something by fiancé as he is SO insistent"

I think 'pushed into something' is a bit strong.

He is being insistent because his faith is important to him and as part of that faith, he wants to marry in a church.

You're not religious, you say yourself you don't care, so why is this bothering you?

Surely if you wanted, you could have both ceremonies, if having a Hindu wedding was important to you. It doesn't seem like it is though.

What's coming across is that you are worried (not sure if that's the right word) what others might think or their expectations.

Your sister is right. You do you. Go with what you feel comfortable and makes you BOTH happy.

You have said you are having a blessing in a Hindu temple so you are both honouring your respective cultures - not a problem.

Doesn't matter as your fiance is Christian.

My Hindu friend married a Christian and had both ceremonies. Sundays are her 'free days' as her husband and children go to church with the rest of his family and she stays home and does whatever pleases her.