Getting married in a church as a non-Christian

[Sapnah]

I am British-Indian, fiancé is Welsh and English. We plan to get married next year or early 2026

My side of the family are culturally Hindu but not practicing. I think the last time my brother stepped inside a temple was 5 or so years ago. It’s been a year for me but only due to attending a friend’s wedding. It may sound weird but my family lead a very a areligious lifestyle. We might put candles out for Diwali but we’ve even stopped doing fireworks because of pets.

Fiance on the other hand is very religious and goes to church every Sunday without fail. He is really insisting on a church wedding as it matters to him. We will be doing a blessing at the Hindu temple the day before the main wedding day.

I’m fine with the plans as I don’t care. Don’t really believe in God and neither do my siblings. I was chatting to my SIL (half Indian but more religious than me) and she said “come on, you have to admit it [having a church wedding] is a bit odd. You’re an Indian girl”. My sister piped in as I asked her for back up and she basically agreed but said “you do you”. This was said with alcohol on a hen do.

It’s just got me thinking. Am I being pushed into something by fiancé as he is SO insistent.

Have you had any experience with similar scenarios? I have a Sikh cousin who married a Christian (Sikhs and Hindus intermarry regularly in the part of India we are from). And this cousin wasn’t allowed a Sikh wedding as it was banned due to a non-Christian performing wedding rites being viewed as ritualistic and empty. She said having a church wedding was not an option either for them as it felt equally fake. They did have a Sikh blessing and a civil ceremony.

Am I the weird one?

I mentioned Islam.as a contrast to what a vicar would be happy with. I thought from the PP it seemed that the most important thing about getting married in a Church was the "opinion" of the people getting married as to whether they wanted to marry in a Church and nothing else was relevant. Unlike in Islam. Things have obviously changed a lot since I got married when there was definitely a religious element to a Church service and the vicar talked to us about it a fair bit.

I am not religious by the way and the Christian element of UK society is on the wane so I suppose the pretty Church venues need to be used by someone.

This doesn't matter. And neither does your opinion on two people choosing differently than you.

An intrinsic part of the church of england being the Established church in law (and equivalents in Scotland and Wales) is that everyone has the right to access the basic sacraments (hatching, matching, dispatching) in their local parish church. Faith is not required because the church doesn't exist for the benefit of its members. It welcomes everone.

Mosques are not in the same position. It's perfectly reasonable for them to restrict the services they offer to only their members.

I think you misunderstood her comment. The church is happy to conduct the ceremony. It is the SIL who has the issue. Hence the “nobody else’s opinion matters”.

As such the mention of Islam in this context is really quite baffling as nobody in this situation is Muslim nor is Islam the topic of conversation (incidentally a quick Google shows at least for Muslim men they can marry non-Muslim women in a mosque, in a Muslim ceremony as long as the woman is one of the “people of the book” I.e Christian or Jewish.

But it’s just weird for you to interject Islam into a discussion which has nothing to do with it.

I am pretty sure the Christian ceremony retains the religious components and the couple have to be ok with that.

I don't have an opinion on their choice. I'm interested in the concept of being married and saying vows in the name of a religion you don't believe in. As an interesting topic for discussion.

Although there seems little point (in my opinion, mind, don't get agitated again) in having basic sacraments in a Christian Church if you don't believe in a Christian God. Rather performative I would suggest (in my opinion only) but that's the way things seem to be going.

That’s definitely true too. But OP had confirmed he has a parent from each country.

Her husband does believe in it though. It is very important to him so as an interfaith couple they are comprising and involving both their cultural backgrounds in how they marry.

DH is Christian, I am a staunch Atheist. We married in a church. The religious aspect meant nothing to me, but did to him. It's your wedding, do what works for the pair of you. Sounds like you're acknowledging both cultures in your plans, which to me, is a great start to a mixed marriage. Mutual support and compromise. I hope you have a lovely wedding.

My athiest son always said he would marry in church if it mattered to his fiancée, as to him it would be a room/ venue like any other. 😊

I think a more important question than the one about what flavour of wedding you have is whether you have spoken to your fiancé honestly about his faith and how it might have an impact on your marriage. Going to church every single week is unusually devout for someone who's presumably quite young.

Is he hoping or praying or expecting that you might convert to Christianity? Will he expect any children you have to be baptised or sent to church schools? How do you feel about the answers to those questions?

If you have a church wedding, you might have already discussed these questions or be going to discuss them as part of a marriage preparation course, which could be helpful in itself.

To explain again for those who didnt understand my initial point..I mentioned Islam (it could be Judaism or Hinduism or any other religion..I used Islam as I know what an imam is) to contrast with how little the C of E requires of people these days. And that you can marry in a Church and not be a Christian. Unlike with many other religions. That's all. Fairly self evident really.

Her fiancé is Christian though, and it’s important to him

Nothing to do with ‘these days’. The right to get married in your parish church goes back centuries. In fact for many centuries it was the ONLY way to get married in this country. It’s about being the established church and there for everyone in the country, whatever their faith or none.

Yes I know that..that wasn't my point. I was replying to whoever made the point (@DustyAmuseAlien) that it doesn't matter if NEITHER party believes in the Christian faith..it's up to them if they marry in a Church. Which I thought was odd. Let's leave it as we are hopping about replying to different people and ultimately it's not an exciting point that I'm making.

@Nordione1 the point that you still don't seem to be capable of absorbing is that the only consequence of you not seeing any point to getting married in a Christian church if you aren't a Christian is that you wouldn't do it if you were in that position. Your inability to see the point is really unimportant. There is no need to convince you of the pointfulness of it. You keep posting as if people have some kind of duty to convince you but it's like you posting that you don't see the point of people adding sugar to tea. It's really none of your concern what other people decide works for them.

Why marry in a Church and make vows to a Christian God if you don't believe in them. That's all I'm saying. It's performative. I'm not arguing against people's right to marry in a Church obviously.

No need to be rude. Not very Christian of you.

My husband is of no religion and I'm a Catholic, we got married in our local church with no issues. Since not everyone present was Catholic our priest declined to serve communion and I had to get permission from the Bishop to marry outside my faith (a formality more than anything ) but it was a lovely ceremony and the priest was very kind to my husband to be. I'm in Ireland and it's very common for inter faith marriages to happen in a church.

Why do you care? As a non believer, it means the same to me as marrying in a registry office. The legal bit was the important bit to me, didn't matter where it happened or the exact words used. I imagine that's the same for a lot of people.

I do not think it’s odd… an Indian girl getting married in a British church.

what is odd… is you’re not religious but are being told or asked by your fiancé for a church wedding.

I agree with your sister… it’s up to you as its your wedding. It doesn’t matter what your friends or family think… it’s between you and your fiancé.

@SensibleSigma

I’m in church leadership.
I’m not keen on church weddings when neither partner is Christian, but of course it’s ok if he is and you aren’t.

Can I ask why? Would it not be an opportunity to get more people to join the church?

I think much more important is whether you are happy for your children to be baptised and join your "very religious" husband who "goes to church every Sunday without fail". Have you discussed this together? The wedding is just one day but this is a huge issue affecting your married lives going forward

Well I obviously don't care as it's someone on mumsnet and I'm not religious. I'm interested in it as a concept rather than taking issue with it. As in, what do you get from chosing to marry in a Church and say vows to God if you dont actually believe in God? Plenty of people do it obviously. And some people do it when neither party believes in God. I'm just interested to know if it's because it's convention or a pretty venue or some latent spirituality.

It's not an automatic right actually.

When people say "what would Jesus do?" They often forget that the options include turning over market stalls, chasing people with a whip and calling people serpents and whitewashed tombs of rotting flesh.

I don't think you care very much though. You are afronted by the idea that the church would welcome non-believers and that non-believers might find something worth engaging with in a church. Jesus got very cross and rude at people who wanted to gatekeep in the way you are doing. Your opinion on whether or not someone else is adequately Christian for your requirements is similarly irrelevant.

Having married a religious partner in a church what this pp said is the most important. The wedding itself you do whatever you and your partner are happy with. I chose to marry in a church because it was very important to my dh. As the years have gone on I’m glad we agreed beforehand how we would bring up children because I think that’s the biggest compromise if one of you is/isn’t religious. Then as long as you 2 are on the same page it doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks. To be honest with weddings someone’s not going to be happy about something. Each to their own 💐