Please help me figure out how to fix my kids ' childhood

[DrowningInChaos]

Theoretically, we are very privileged. Both dh and me have good jobs and the kids are relatively healthy. But our biggest issue (at least mine) is that there is just not enough time. Ever. The kids never have enough time to play, do craft, practice dd's instrument or do homework. We barely have enough time to talk and on top of that the kids are sleep deprived because there isn't enough time to sleep. And dd is late to school most days. I blame the long school days in the uk but other parents and kids seem to manage much better so it's obviously something we are doing wrong. I'm desperate. Please help me figure it out. Dd is 8 and in year 4. Ds is 3 and in pre school.

This is our schedule:

7.00 wake dd
7.20 dd slowly gets up (after lots of attempts to get her out of bed. Mostly still no shouting at this point)
7.20-8.00: dd gets ready (go to the toilet, get dressed, brush teeth and hair, pack school stuff, eat breakfast if there is time otherwise pack breakfast and eat in the car). More and more shouting and stress at this point for the kids to hurry up.
8.00 we have to leave at 8 to be at the school by 8.30. Most of the time we don't manage and are 5-10 minutes late. Most of the time we have forgotten something.

Ds gets up quite easily at 7 but needs help wothe very step of grtting ready. So he gets ready very quickly but then often delays everything by starting to play and refusing to leave the house.

8.30-3.30: school
4.00-4:15: back at home.
4.15-6.15 free time (but dd loses a lot of time by very slowly washing her hands and removing her shoes, etc). This is the time when theoretically she could do.any school related work or practice her instrument. Ds can just play.
6 -7.15 or 7.30: dinner. I know it's long but dd is severely underweight. No medical issues. Possibly arfid. She eats extremely slowly but we cannot cut down on this time and risk less calories going into her.
7.15 or 7.30 - 7.45: dance or play (so they don't go to bed feeling too full)
7.45 -8 or 8.15: get ready for bed (This is when I start getting stressed again)

8.30 - 8.45 lights out after reading for a while
Dd takes very long to fall asleep. Often an hour or so. It's not hecause she isn't tired. It's irrespective of when she goes to hed and she struggles so incredibly much waking up in the morning that she imo she needs more sleep. Ds is out like a light sometime between 8.15 and 8.30 whenever we manage to put him to bed. He is just turned 3, has just dropped his nap but we don't manage to put him to bed before that. He refuses to go upstairs without dd.

Once a week dd has a club at school followed by swimming so she only comes home by about 7pm and then everything is even more delayed. Once s week I need her to.atrend a club or after school club so I can finish work.

On Saturdays we have a slow start. Dd has an extra curricular activity at 11am but somehow we are also always late for this club. The biggest bottlenecks are getting ready and breakfast. She hates both. She is adamant that she wants to do this club. We try and keep Saturday afternoons and Sundays free for family outings, meet8ng friends, birthday parties, going to the park or play dates. Somehow they pass in a jiffy too. Sometimes her homework takes a couple of hours (or more).

Our biggest bottlenecks are getting ready and eating but I just don't know how to get dd to speeden up. I'm not sure she can. She is very absent minded and dreamy. And she is so tired in the morning, which slows her down too.

She loves doing craft but we have got a million craft projects lying around that she has started but doesn't get time to finish because she never gets a decent few hours or fald a day in one stretch to work on just one thing. There are the weekends but I also think it's important that she plays outdoors and with other kids so half a day goes at least in going to the park or on a playdate.

She loves reading but she reads so much that slowly I think it's doing more harm than good because of all the other things she is missing out on. She also loves talking which slows her down but then we need to have time to talk don't we? She often wants to talk to me at bedtime but we are usually so late already! I get some time to play with ds after school but at all times when dd is at home she talks non stop so there is very little opportunity to talk enough to ds. I thought his language skills were. underdeveloped for his age because of that but according to the health visitor his speech and comprehension are quite good. Still. I feel so bad for not talking to him enough m

Anyway, dd is also meant to do 20min of school work every day (app game based) but there is just no time. We just don't do it. She used to do very well academically but is noe starting to lag behind. She is learning an instrument but rarely practices.

Apologies for the length of this but I just don't know what to do. 1-2h of free time a day are just not enough to fit in anything of quality but I just don't know what to do. I wish she went to a different school that was closer to us and had a shorter day (and no homework) but that's a whole other thread. For now we are stuck with the school.

What am I doing wrong? What could i do betterI ?

I can feel my blood pressure rise every morning and evening when I need the kids to get ready either for school or for bed and I'm exhausted by the time it's done. I always used to be a calm and patient parent but now I'm starting to become more shouty and I hate it. It seems like there is no time for cheerfulness or playfulness let alone any proper playing. This isn't how childhood is supposed to be. Kids are meant to have loads of time. Enough time to get bored. My kids don't even have enough time to sleep. Please help me. What am I doing wrong?

Lots of good advice on here. My main thought is to tackle the meal time first. Eat earlier. Possibly DD can't sleep because she hasn't properly digested her food. Plus eating too late actually makes you less likely to want to eat.

Parts of your post did make me smile.

I have a sister who could dilly dally for England as a child and only ate bread and jam for six months at one stage. We used to regularly lose her on walks and museums and so on as she'd become transfixed by something and just stop.

She did grow out of it eventually (partly as she had a housemate who was an even worse dilly dallier than her) but she found parenting very very hard.

People definitely underrate the being organised on behalf of other people aspect of parenting.

A few ideas you could try:
Alarm set 7.50 to remind DD to hurry up, instead of shouting
Some physical activity after school (might help with sleep, and eating)
Eat evening meal earlier
Get all school stuff ready the evening before
End evening with bath for children and read story with them in bed (one after the other or each parent deals with one child) to help relax and settle and so help sleep
Don't worry about primary school homework not being done
Unless DD really enjoys the instrument and is motivated to practice herself drop the music lessons
Don't allow DS to delay leaving house unless you want to set yourself up for about 15 years of this hassle - pick him up physically and put him where he needs to be, do this while he is still small enough - if he is winning at 4 then you will have a much worse problem when he is 14.
Club and swimming is probably too much in one evening for underweight 8 year old

I have not read the full thread so apologies for any duplication.
The bottom line is that life with young children is stressful, but shouting is not going to change their behaviour, and it will make you feel worse, so try to cut back on that tactic.

Finally if DD is severely underweight you need to get proper medical attention and dietary advice. Does she have a high protein/calorie snack she can eat in school at break, since if a slow eater she probably isn't eating all her lunch.

I know this has been mentioned but your DD sounds exactly like mine (except mine is a lot older). She has a diagnosis of inattentive and hyperactive ADHD and autism. She also has Arfid.

The hyperactive ADHD is what causes the procrastination in my DD as her brain is so busy thinking about what else she is going to do, that she takes ages to do the thing she's doing.

Things that have helped -

1. massive sort out so there is less stuff to deal with
2. no music - I'm sad about this but it just didn't work
3. all after school activities except swimming done through school so when she's home she's home.
4. my DD is now 17 so she also does her homework in school - she is allowed to stay to 6 every night to work in the library so that's what we do.
5. list of foods. DD has her safe foods - once a month she will try something new! We leave her to get on with dinner separately.
6. notice board with visible timetable
7. phone reminders - probably not for 9yo
8. melatonin! That has helped her sleep a lot. She is still slow in the morning but it does make a difference.

Good luck

With the slow picky eating - our Arfid dd improved vastly when we let her eat in front of the TV (you’re not going to like that…). It took the pressure off her and provided a distraction - it was a game changer.
Dd is at university now - eats well and is very slim but not underweight and she’s perfectly capable of sitting at a dining table and talking/eating. She also has ADHD which was diagnosed when she was 12/13.

I haven't read the whole thread so apologies if this is repetitive. I agree with ADHD but also wonder if she's getting enough of the right kind of movement. Dancing in the evening is a stimulating activity, one to bring a kids energy up. It might be what you need in the morning. If she sleeps well after swimming, she may need more proprioceptive and heavy work during the day. Could you do some of the journey to and from school walking with her carrying her school bag? At night maybe deep pressure cuddles to help her with sleep. I'd explore whether you can use a sensory diet to help with sleep and mismatched energy.
Also, is it possible your ADHD is contributing to the delays, are you trying to do lots of things at the same time, rush in a last job before you leave the house? We've changed our morning routine so that I'm ready first and then just spend the morning getting them ready and it's been a gamechanger.

These links are great, thank you!

I've only read the OP ppsts but agree it sounds like adhd. Even if it isn't a few things jumped out at me:

• you and your DD need a mindset change. Just accept that the school days are this long and days are only 24hrs long.

• you need to do a LOT more scaffolding as PP said. I have 2 DSes with ADHD and I really have to be behind them all the time to get stuff done (well I did. At 10 and 13 they're much better at doing it by themselves now but they are medicated). We have a very strict and strong routine and it makes it so much easier.

• in primary school we allowed them to watch TV whilst eating dinner. I had to mash their food down WAY longer than "normal" kids because of texture and chewing issues. (I still mash some meals down for my 10 year old). Soups were great as easy to swallow. Some evenings I even had to feed them despite them being primary school. Its crap for you but it really is a case of doing whatever is needed.

• their sleep was terrible (still is to be honest) but I used to have to le with them to get them to sleep (Netflix on my phone and headphones for me were a godsend when finally invented!). Sleep music or sleep hypnosis on YouTube have literally saved my sanity.

• your DD sounds overwhelmed with everything she wants to do but "doesn't have time". I'd suggest timetabling her free time with her. So she gets 30 minutes for craft, 10 minutes for flute (and yes, you need to clean her flute thats probably partly putting her off starting to play), 20 minutes reading etc.

But it's not 6pm.
It's at any time between 6pm and 7.30pm.

I haven't got through all of your posts yet OP - I'm about half way through and I know your don't want to focus on the "is she ND" question but given that you are (me too) and she maybe is, I would look for ND coping strategies.

What helps me and my DD is to have music, a podcast or a song that is roughly the length something should be. So I have a 15 minute podcast to listen to in the shower. I play DD a song to brush her teeth to. I'm not organised enough yet but I'm planning on having alexa do some of that work. I have visions of Alexander recognising that it's 4pm and you've just got on the house, so she plays a "taking your shoes off" jingle for 3 minutes, and one in the bathroom that asks would you like a washing your hands or a toilet song and it plays that jingle to DD for 2 or 5 minutes etc.

I don't know smart speakers well enough to know if they are THAT smart yet, though I know friends use Alexa's "tidying up song" for example. My version is reminders/alarms on my phone every 15 minutes in the morning until 8.29 which is 1 minute before I must leave the house.

I'd change the after school routine a bit-

4-5- You all get in, you put the dinner on to cook about 4-4:30 and while it's cooking sort out any homework/ music practice.

5-6- dinner

6:20-6:45- Straight after the dinner's tidied away take them up for their bath.

7- toddler goes to bed

7-8- DD has downtime away from you and DP- reading/quiet play/watching something

8- DD bedtime

You'd have an extra hour each day to yourself if you just put her in bed, tucked her in and went back downstairs to do your own thing. Instead you're staying with her until she falls asleep, and that takes an hour. Waste of time. She can't 12 or 14 and have you sitting next to her bed, you need to wean her off that as soon as you can. For both your sakes.

@ThereTheyGo good tips. I'd go for a weighted blanket before adding deep cuddles to the routine!

DH and I are still taking turns to sit with our ND 11 year old as she falls asleep. She needs a lot of co-regulation.

She is definitely getting better, however.

Hopefully can ditch sitting in the room by age 12!

We like Fun Kids as a drop off to sleep radio station, or Classic FM.

Alexa can be helpful. Setting a timer makes it all less personal.

When DD was little we had a load of music on a child safe MP3 player, then a digital radio, then an Alexa. Music really helps in our family.

I've recently started working on a case where the child was diagnosed as having CP in their legs at the age of 10. This was after years and years of the parents wondering what was going on with them. I'd start by getting blood tests done of your daughter and eliminating medical reasons for her slowness one by one.

**CP= cerebral palsy

Is dinner time the only time your child has your undivided attention because you are so anxious about her eating?
Does she drag it out to have your attention?
My friends chikd did this & friend just played in to it making it worse.

Homework on getting in
Dinner earlier, for a fixed time 30-40 mins max
Bed earlier, snack before of they're hungry
Drop the musical instrument ( she's 8, there's plenty of time in yhe future if she really wants to learn)
Drop the dancing before bed (yhats daft, you're waking them up instead of getting them relaxed & sleepy.

Another one here who thought you sound like you have ADHD before you even said it OP! I have many traits for inattentive ADHD myself but I'm not sure an assessment/diagnosis would actually be beneficial for me currently.

Honestly I would get the ball rolling on requesting assessments for your DD. At the moment it can take around 4 years to even get a diagnosis, so get the requests started so you can start building evidence, with the schools support (this is important). Ideally the extra support should be in place, if she needs them, before starting secondary school.

In regards to ARFID, I would reduce any pressure around eating. If there are safe foods she will eat then offer those foods. Yes it will get repetitive, but at least she will be taking in those regular calories. Offer small amounts of other/new foods on a seperate plate/bowl for exposure, but without the expectations that she eats them.

Maybe set an alarm on your phone to give multivitamins each day. She will be needing those with a restricted diet.

I don't have much to offer in the way of advice for the other stuff, as I struggle with the scheduling/time management aspect of life, more so than my 2 DC sometimes! I am taking onboard suggestions from the rest of the thread regarding this.... 😬

I think you are overthinking this. All families are different. What works for others won’t work for you.
You clearly need some routine and prepping as much as possible the night before (get the kids to help) is an obvious start. Ditto batch cooking at weekends.
Re the eating and mealtimes, I think everyone sitting round a table and eating a communal meal while discussing the day has huge value. I know it’s not possible for everyone but if you can manage it, it real does help.
We had a “no screens in the kitchen” rule in our house (no TV in kitchen or bedrooms including ours) and that was just the norm. We also have a no meals in the TV room (snacks were fine) But nobody ate mindlessly while watching screens.
Id also say if there is no eating disorder, dont worry too much. Some kids just aren’t hungry much. Healthy, high calorie snacks after school and at break time are the way to go.
I was a super-picky kid. My nephew had terrible food allergies and ate a self-imposed very restrictive diet growing up. There was huge pressure on my sister to get nutritionalist involved. She didn’t. Now my nephew manages a chain of Japanese restaurants and is a brilliant cook. He eats everything that doesn’t make him physically ill. I know another boy who ate very little growing up despite his mum being an amazing cook. He’s now a marine. Finally appreciates his mums cooking.
If there is no medical concern, just make eating meals a normal, low key family thing. Don’t force or cajole. Let her eat as much or as little as she wants. Don’t have her at the table for hours. That’s a chore. Kids are good at regulating their food intake. (Again, if it’s an ED that’s different)
Craft projects don’t need to be finished. Let her do as much as she wants. If she wants to finish it, she will. If she wants to start another project, let her. (Bin the old ones). It’s the activity, not the finished artwork that matters.
Homework is non-negotiable and should be done first. You are undermining the school by colluding in this and setting her up for problems later when homework needs to be done.
Day-dreaming on the loo is fine ( assuming no screens) Ditto reading. I’d be praising and encouraging the reading. I’d quietly circulate the books so she doesn’t read the same thing over and over. Though there is nothing wrong with a favourite book you go back to time and again.
I’d also try putting her to bed with a book an hour earlier. (Make it cosy, give her a nightligh. Make it a big girl treat). She may just read herself to sleep earlier and be less tired in the morning.
if you have a partner, team-tag. He organises one kid, you do the other, then swap. Gamify the chores.
I grew up in an era where nobody organised my play, organised my craft projects, or monitored my day-dreaming. Us kids did all of these things ourselves and we had a fantastic time with hugely creative and imaginative play.
Use car journeys to chat. Get her to talk about her day, her likes and dislikes. Really listen to what she’s telling you. A bit of mental maths and spelling bee is fine too, if it’s a long journey. I Spy annd the Minister’s Cat kept us going for hours in the car.
Chill. As long as your kids are loved, safe, happy, with sensible bedtime and sensible food choices available and some boundaries, they’ll regulate their own play. You’re making it too hard for yourself. Also all families have a bit of chaos, trying to get two kids out of the house in the morning.
Drop the instrument if she won’t practice for 15 mins a day. It’s not fair on the music teacher. But frankly, she should be able to do this. Mine weren’t allowed to not practice an instrument if they had begged to do it and we had invested in it. Some boundaries are necessary and it’s a good lesson in taking responsibility. DH supervised all music practice!
Let her be herself. Don’t let your anxiety force DS into a situation where he can’t be himself because you’re running DD’s life. You sound like a great mum. Good luck.

Your daughter sounds exactly like me at that age and how I am now as an adult - I have ADHD. I'm also work in this area and I suggest speaking with the school for a referral to the Educational Psychologist. You need to go via the school, before you go via the GP. She might need an EHCP in school which will support her at home in the long run.

Homework every day is utterly bonkers. It will be deleted as per GDPR in a few years and really won't benefit her at such a young age. Do some of it, but don't aim for perfection because these unrealistic standard are burning you out.

Dancing so they aren't too full? This sounds fun, but also a bit silly. Cut this out and prepare for bed at 7.30am - A short and calming story about getting enough sleep and mindful thinking. Perhaps get your daughter an audible app where she can listen to some ASMR and Mindful thinking to help with sleep podcasts- They are quite soothing! Sometimes even the local radio station, playing quietly can really help with an overstimulatded mind - Including classical music. Classical music also helps with cognitive development.

Refer to your GP for eating disorder - Can also tie in with ADHD.

Perhaps go part-time with work? What use is money if you're mental health is taking a bashing? You cannot buy back time with your children. It depends on what you want more of. Both yourself and husband could ask for flexible working adjustments and claim UC as a top up. You can then look at claiming DLA for your daughter (she won't be assessed until she's 16) - Because her problems are effecting you on a daily basis.

There are quite a few options to take. I started working compressed hours because I just couldn't cope with it all, like yourself. It's a breath of fresh air.

Tbh it sounds like you have a lot more time than many families. All getting in by 4pm is early, no after school club, so a good 4 and a half hours to fit it all in. I completely understand the issues your daughter has, hope you can get some assessments here to help her.

Sadly this is life with both parents working, a huge juggle! Pre made batch cooking, having everything prepared the night before, get up 10 mins earlier, drop the unnecessary activities, the usual advice, which I'm trying to act on myself lol 😆

Be kind to yourself, some things can be left, put at bottom of priorities. Do what's needed and bugger off to the rest! You're doing a great job, try not feel the need to fit everything in, life isn't perfect. Xx

Can you not make it more of a hobby for her, it will ease the stress. Lots of online lessons to practise when she wants to? It does sound like once you explain it as something to do when she wants to it will be a relief for her. Xx

OK I hear you.

As another poster says, it sounds like you need to both prioritise what's important for her, and then support / scaffold that much more.

So eg on food, I feed our kids if they need it. It's only in the last couple of years that has faded out for our now 11 year old. If tired or something she doesn't like or both I will still support by cutting it up on the plate, or even feeding her direct (only in private at home of course). Ours would live on pasta and haribo if it was down to them. With A LOT of support (screens during eating often, my cutting their food and feeding them until its not needed) and simple repeating menu we manage just about enough variety.

Handwashing when you get in - go to the bathroom and do it together when you get in? Make it part of the routine. Lots of small things like that I support with for as long as needed, which is much older than for ND kids. eg we still dress our six and a half year old. We'd never leave the house if we didn't.

Ditto I help with the organisation for the hobby she likes - organising kit, checking its there and ready to wear. So if flute is important to you, I agree with others you need to be prepared to do more to help her - offer to clean the instrument after she's played next time.

I have zero thoughts about whether I'm doing it wrong to still provide this much support as I know it's what they need. If she'd eat better and quicker if you fed her, do it. If she'll play her instrument more if you clean it for her, do it. Take her to wash her hands when you get in so it's done. etc.

This weekend was good. Mostly because we had nothing planned and though we did go out on both days it was only for a couple of hours. I realised that my lack of organisation is probably a big part of the problem (or maybe I just want it to be the problem rather than dd having this stupid, waste of a life disorder...).

Anyway, so I have packed the kids' bags for tomorrow and collected all their clothes. Just realised I've forgotten dd's socks. Took me a lot longer than I'd have thought though I do think I'm faster in the morning but then I usually forgot something or the other. For 5 years (since reception) I have been telling myself that I should pack her bag the night before and it's only today that I managed to do it. Crazy, isn't it?

I'll set my alarm for 6am and wake dd at 6.45. I hope I can get up. It can take me upto 45min to get out of bed in the morning (like dd). I either keep falling asleep or I browse the news or mn for ages. If I don't browse I risk falling asleep again. What I do now is use a browser blocker for 15min after I've set my alarm so I can browse for 15min to wake me up properly but not longer than that.. urrgh Modern life is complicated.

I'm determined to have dinner earlier tomorrow. Hopefully that will fix a lot of our problems.

Thank you everyone. I'm really touched and grateful. 25 pages of very thoughtful and supportive replies. Thank you for helping me try to figure this out. I have read every post and they have all helped a lot!!!

This is just life UK life fast pace never enough time. Not be long till teens and sleeping in late never coming out their room. Chill embrace life.

Quick update. Only managed to get put of bed by 6.45 (45min after I'd said my alarm) so only started waking dd at 6.50. However, that and the fact that everything was ready and packed meant she managed to leave at 8am after having half her breakfast. I packed the rest for her to have in the car. No shouting or stressing. I also realised because dd got ready without much fuss I had more time for ds and didn't have to rush him so much. FIL is here on a visit at the moment and even he noted that there was no stressing or shouting today. I hadn't even realised how shouty I'd become.

Tomorrow I have to go to the office so I'll definitely have to be out of bed by 6am.

We forgot to give dd her coat. I'd washed it on the weekend and put it back on the coat hook by the door yesterday night and had even remembered to put her gloves in the coat pocket. And then we forgot it. It's freezing outside. I offered to bring it to the school later but dd said she's wearing enough layers and the school said they could lend her a coat. (I'm still quite upset about it, which probably shows how much my emotional regulation (or lack of) is a big problem in all of this.)

Oh well...baby steps.