Please help me figure out how to fix my kids ' childhood

[DrowningInChaos]

Theoretically, we are very privileged. Both dh and me have good jobs and the kids are relatively healthy. But our biggest issue (at least mine) is that there is just not enough time. Ever. The kids never have enough time to play, do craft, practice dd's instrument or do homework. We barely have enough time to talk and on top of that the kids are sleep deprived because there isn't enough time to sleep. And dd is late to school most days. I blame the long school days in the uk but other parents and kids seem to manage much better so it's obviously something we are doing wrong. I'm desperate. Please help me figure it out. Dd is 8 and in year 4. Ds is 3 and in pre school.

This is our schedule:

7.00 wake dd
7.20 dd slowly gets up (after lots of attempts to get her out of bed. Mostly still no shouting at this point)
7.20-8.00: dd gets ready (go to the toilet, get dressed, brush teeth and hair, pack school stuff, eat breakfast if there is time otherwise pack breakfast and eat in the car). More and more shouting and stress at this point for the kids to hurry up.
8.00 we have to leave at 8 to be at the school by 8.30. Most of the time we don't manage and are 5-10 minutes late. Most of the time we have forgotten something.

Ds gets up quite easily at 7 but needs help wothe very step of grtting ready. So he gets ready very quickly but then often delays everything by starting to play and refusing to leave the house.

8.30-3.30: school
4.00-4:15: back at home.
4.15-6.15 free time (but dd loses a lot of time by very slowly washing her hands and removing her shoes, etc). This is the time when theoretically she could do.any school related work or practice her instrument. Ds can just play.
6 -7.15 or 7.30: dinner. I know it's long but dd is severely underweight. No medical issues. Possibly arfid. She eats extremely slowly but we cannot cut down on this time and risk less calories going into her.
7.15 or 7.30 - 7.45: dance or play (so they don't go to bed feeling too full)
7.45 -8 or 8.15: get ready for bed (This is when I start getting stressed again)

8.30 - 8.45 lights out after reading for a while
Dd takes very long to fall asleep. Often an hour or so. It's not hecause she isn't tired. It's irrespective of when she goes to hed and she struggles so incredibly much waking up in the morning that she imo she needs more sleep. Ds is out like a light sometime between 8.15 and 8.30 whenever we manage to put him to bed. He is just turned 3, has just dropped his nap but we don't manage to put him to bed before that. He refuses to go upstairs without dd.

Once a week dd has a club at school followed by swimming so she only comes home by about 7pm and then everything is even more delayed. Once s week I need her to.atrend a club or after school club so I can finish work.

On Saturdays we have a slow start. Dd has an extra curricular activity at 11am but somehow we are also always late for this club. The biggest bottlenecks are getting ready and breakfast. She hates both. She is adamant that she wants to do this club. We try and keep Saturday afternoons and Sundays free for family outings, meet8ng friends, birthday parties, going to the park or play dates. Somehow they pass in a jiffy too. Sometimes her homework takes a couple of hours (or more).

Our biggest bottlenecks are getting ready and eating but I just don't know how to get dd to speeden up. I'm not sure she can. She is very absent minded and dreamy. And she is so tired in the morning, which slows her down too.

She loves doing craft but we have got a million craft projects lying around that she has started but doesn't get time to finish because she never gets a decent few hours or fald a day in one stretch to work on just one thing. There are the weekends but I also think it's important that she plays outdoors and with other kids so half a day goes at least in going to the park or on a playdate.

She loves reading but she reads so much that slowly I think it's doing more harm than good because of all the other things she is missing out on. She also loves talking which slows her down but then we need to have time to talk don't we? She often wants to talk to me at bedtime but we are usually so late already! I get some time to play with ds after school but at all times when dd is at home she talks non stop so there is very little opportunity to talk enough to ds. I thought his language skills were. underdeveloped for his age because of that but according to the health visitor his speech and comprehension are quite good. Still. I feel so bad for not talking to him enough m

Anyway, dd is also meant to do 20min of school work every day (app game based) but there is just no time. We just don't do it. She used to do very well academically but is noe starting to lag behind. She is learning an instrument but rarely practices.

Apologies for the length of this but I just don't know what to do. 1-2h of free time a day are just not enough to fit in anything of quality but I just don't know what to do. I wish she went to a different school that was closer to us and had a shorter day (and no homework) but that's a whole other thread. For now we are stuck with the school.

What am I doing wrong? What could i do betterI ?

I can feel my blood pressure rise every morning and evening when I need the kids to get ready either for school or for bed and I'm exhausted by the time it's done. I always used to be a calm and patient parent but now I'm starting to become more shouty and I hate it. It seems like there is no time for cheerfulness or playfulness let alone any proper playing. This isn't how childhood is supposed to be. Kids are meant to have loads of time. Enough time to get bored. My kids don't even have enough time to sleep. Please help me. What am I doing wrong?

You pack the school stuff in the car the night before so no more forgetting stuff. She does the app homework in the car on the way to school. She has a smoothie and a croissant or similar for breakfast (in car or house). You put her to bed earlier. You also need to speak to a professional for an assessment for Arfid etc.

Till about 6 months we regularly gave her a multivit after dinner but then i wondered if giving it so soon before bedtime might be interfering with her sleep and wanted to move it to after breakfast. However, I consistently forget to give it to her earlier in the day so for many months she's not taken it.

yes 100% my kids were fed at 430-5pm they only had sandwich at lunch. her kids are young, then plenty time for it to kick in ready for dance or whatever.
id be concerned not enough nutrition maybe iron deficiency if very tired.
guess everyone of different food wise and time wise though

Just to clarify as many posters have mentioned it. We don't do a playdate every week. It's more like one playdate every month. It's just one of the things we might do on a weekend.

Do everything earlier. Earlier dinner, earlier bath and bedtime. 8.30pm seems late for a 3 year old to be going to bed. My 3 year old granddaughter is ready for sleep by 7.00pm at the very latest - she’ll often ask at 6.30pm if it’s bedtime yet. DS refusing to go upstairs without DD needs to stopped too - you’re the parent, you’re in charge. Get him to bed then DD can go up and get ready - supervised if necessary, if she’s taking too long. I’d be getting her to bed by 7.30pm at the latest if she struggles to get up. If she lies awake for a while, just ignore it. Don’t have any truck with her coming downstairs on flimsy excuses. It does work, I managed it with mine - my now adult daughter needed 12 hours sleep for years. Her bedtime was no later than 8.00pm well into her teens.
Pack school bags the evening before so nothing gets forgotten. Supervise the hand washing etc to find out why it’s taking an unreasonable amount of time. Don’t encourage the ‘dancing’ before bedtime, they should be winding down with quiet time.
I’d definitely be stopping the videos while eating, that’s an awful habit to get into.
Re. the Saturday club, if DD really wants to do it, she needs to accept that getting ready and eating in plenty of time beforehand is part of it. Otherwise it stops.

Not possible. Too expensive 😅

Your daughter absolutely needs to be assessed for neurodiversity. She sounds very ND to me. (I say that as an AuDHD) she is clearly struggling and needs some reasonable adjustments in place to help her.

I need this in my own life!!!! Amazing routine!
I am AuDHD and would give my left nipple for a rock steady routine like this. 👍

I stopped reading when it got to the point you suggested that your 8 year old DD could use up a considerable of two hours on taking her shoes off and washing her hands..... start here. this is not normal.

You’re the adult. You make the rules.

Why is it taking two hours from 4.15 - 6.15pm for her to wash her hands and settle after school? This is bizarre. You need to get her assessed for ADHD.

Stop the videos at dinner time - it won’t help speech, concentration or table manners.

Craft projects don’t need to be complicated or involved at her age. Just stick to a bit of colouring. Speak to her teacher about her behaviour.

Your first post screamed ADHD. For you both. The ARFID and your own diagnosis sealed it.

By the way, ADHD here too. With two children also both ADHD but presenting very differently.

“Understanding Girls With ADHD” by Nadeau, Littman and Quinn has checklists by age group. Ticking these off when reading it for my own daughter made me realise I also did. Well into my 40s. This checklist is for kids aged 6-11 years old. See if this sounds like your DD. Or yourself.

I suggest:

1. Reduce your commitments. ADHDers think we can do everything in less time than is actually the case. Your DD needs time to breathe and relax. She’s doing too much. So are you. Start saying no to things.
2. Always prepare bags and uniform the night before. Make this part of your routine.
3. Consistent bedtime and wake time are must. And no screens for 3 hours before bed.
4. Exercise is crucial for good sleep.
5. Get your DD assessed for ADHD asap. Medicine is a game changer for the entire family. Your DD will thrive academically and socially. She will be focused in the day and sleep better at night. ADHD without meds is like someone struggling to read the board being denied glasses.
6. Get the Calm app and learn to meditate. Just 10-20 mins will help you to focus and stay sane. Sounds woo woo but it’s another game changer for the family and will help you manage your own stress levels so you can better deal with everything else.

Your children are lucky you even realise there’s a problem. Most parents are oblivious. But ADHD is genetic and it’s clear you both have it. Siblings are 50% more likely to have it if an older sibling has it. Not always. But kids present very differently. These days though there is so much more help available. Please do everything you can to get that assessment. It does all get better by the way. Good luck.

It sounds like arfid. A friend of my DS has it. Very easy to invite him. Pasta with nothing (no sauce no parmesan), no vegetables or fruit. One brand of sausages, one special chocolate treat but no other. He's 12 and extremely bright and pleasant. His mum eats extremely healthy so it's hard for her but she's used to it. He is under supervision at the hospital (special Arfid) and takes vitamin supplements and looks healthy though slightly underweight.

There isn't enough time in the morning to leave the house successfully by 8am. You could try a time chart with the different parts on so she has to be out of bed by 07:15 and then dressed by a certain time. I would pack the bag the night before - it's a good habit to have. Shoes and coat on to be by the door by 07:55. If school is 30 minutes away, I'd consider breakfast in the car. Berries in a box, a breakfast or muesli bar, or even Belvita as a treat.

Have some sort of snack with fruit, bread sticks, cheese etc when they get in. Or full fat yoghurt for DD. I personally think dinner time is fine but I suspect being allowed to graze earlier rather than having to focus on a whole meal when it's nearly bedtime might be easier in terms of eating. Not being watched will also help. Then offer two times for homework etc. Either 16:30 or 17:30 would probably work. Get DS to sit and read with you at the same time to encourage "work time". If homework could be done on just one day a week, do that instead. You should definitely be trying to hear DD read - although you could do this as bedtime.

The only way would be to go part time at work unfortunately you can’t have it all

@DrowningInChaos you say 'we' so what's your husband doing?

Similar here. Im dyslexic and have realised as an adult I have ADHD. Husband is introverted, he'd deny he's nuerodiverse but for example has burn out after a noisy kids party and needs to fall asleep to recover.

Both our kids have various traits. What's really helped me, and so the family (I think happy wife / happy life or happy mum happy kids is 100% true).

1. prioritise yourself. I wish I'd learned this MUCH earlier. Can you take some time off work, even just a week, to REST yourself and get some new routines in place? A couple of years ago I started prioritising my own well being especially feeling rested, and it's been a game changer. I actually get more done well by being ruthless about it, taking time off work, turning down work, postponing deadlines, declining invites (including ones I've said yes to and then realised close to it I can't).
2. Try not to sweat it. Does it matter if you're late to school sometimes? We did make the choice to live close to the school (and have less space because of it, which has its own issues with 4 people that need quiet alone time). We regularly leave to just about arrive before the bell. During stressful work periods they might go in through the office a couple of times in a week. It doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things. Go easy on yourself.
3. Lots of good advice here about you getting organised the night before - but see 1 - that's hard to do when you are running on empty. Take a proper break to rest and then reset with some written lists for your daughter's mornings, you getting packed the night before etc.
4. I find lists of eg what to do in the morning work for our daughter. We also often eat with screens especially if we're having something she finds challenging texture wise.
5. Back to your husband. Can you split up tasks and resonsibilities? My DH travels for work and we both have demanding jobs. It's made us realise things often go better if one or other of us is doing the morning of evening routine ourselves. When we're both there it slides into a mess of who's doing what and us both drifting off to other chores to to take a break. If he's doing the morning I try to get up and leave for an exercise class or to get to work early and leave him to it. Likewise we take it in turns to work late. It helps us stay on top of work, but also it gives a period of the day when you are only responsible for yourself. So when I am doing the morning or bedtime I'm happy to be there and more patient.
6. For her sleep - have you tried cyto-night? Our DD is a night owl. She rarely gets 'enough' sleep, though she has a lot of energy so is ok for a few days. Again I've learned not to stress about this. My worrying while she tosses and turns is pointless. If she's anxious and its out of hand I give her cyto night or valerian to help her drop off. We let her sleep in at weekends to make up for it.

Does she know she has ADHD? Does she know you do?

I try to be fairly open and honest with my kids. I own it when I've messed up. If relevant I try to share some factual reflections ' I didn't pack our bags the night before and so we were late. I'm working on doing better with it.' Our DD doesn't like being late and gets anxious about it, so if we've had a bad morning and we're late to school I own it and apologise to her (but don't go over board and make her responsible for making you feel ok). Or if I've been impatient or grumpy the same.

I try to create the sense that we're a team and we're working on / dealing with these things together. I assume some of our DD's bad habits come from learning my bad habits. Nothing I can do about that now, but I try to model working on my own habits eg getting to bed on time, getting organised the night before, not beating myself up when I fail at these things, but getting up and giving it another go and hope over time she picks up on it.

You are not ruining their childhoods. They'll be ok. They'll be more ok if you make sure YOU are ok first.

our DD had a belvita for breakfast everyday for six years.

I think you need to prioritise what is truly important for your family. Based on what you know, not what someone else tells you.

And yes I know Belvita are UPF lots of sugar etc etc. But if your DD will eat something like that I'd go with it and decide not to feel guilty about whether she should be having a 'better' breakfast.

I think part of your problem @DrowningInChaos is you are trying to live up to too many goals and standards at once. Stop. during your rest time reflect on what you and your family REALLY NEED MOST and focus on that. Drop, stop or lower your standards on other stuff until you feel your priority stuff is going well.

Do you worry about others judgement, or not being good enough?

A mum I know who got into similar places with her kids had a lot of that - so she was trying to live up to too many impossible standards. eg whole food from scratch food and no screens while eating often doesn't work for ND kids

“She loves reading but she reads so much that slowly I think it's doing more harm than good because of all the other things she is missing out on.”

I haven’t RTFT but this really struck me from your OP. How brilliant that your little girl loves to read. A wealth of research demonstrates that reading for pleasure is absolutely key in developing children’s cognitive skills and even their success later in life.

Personally, I never learned a musical instrument or belonged to any clubs as a child, but I’m so glad my parents encouraged my own love of reading. Books have given me so much - a better understanding of myself and the world around me, solace during difficult times and a career I love. If she’s not interested in learning a musical instrument don’t force her: I’m quite happy I spent all that time reading instead of making everyone’s ears bleed with a violin.

I work in the publishing industry and we are all too aware that sadly fewer and fewer children read for pleasure these days. Your daughter’s love of reading should be celebrated and nurtured.

She doesn't like biscuits, cake or chocolate or most other 'treat food'. The only thing she truly likes and will happily eat is haribo. And I don't think my standards are very high if I don't consider haribo sweets to be suitable breakfast.

Honestly, if it was as easy as just giving her belvita I'd do it. I don't restrict her food. At all. She can eat whatever she wants. She likes eating sugar. Just sugar. Castor sugar or something. So I let her eat that when she asks for it even though everyone thinks it's crazy. just to remind her that eating can be enjoyable.

Food aside. Yes I guess I do have very strong feelings on what I'd consider to be a good childhood abd I guess I do need to let go of that. 😥

Thanks. The only time I have to myself is when the kids are asleep and at that point I'm so tired I don't want to do anything. Well, I procrastinate a lot at work but that is mot relaxing. I even have a long to do list of things I want to do but just won't. I can't take any leave. Ive used it all. One of my parents is very ill and I've used all my leave to help my parents a bit.

Dh does what he can. He works a lot and is in a lot of pain a lot of the time so I'm mostly the default parent these days. He does a lot of the mental and admin work though. We don't have a great relationship at the moment but I'm too tired to even think about that lot alone try to fix it.

Up to early. You get up,sort you out. As oldest can do self you need encourage that whilst assist wee one(with view to indepence obviously) pack lunch can be made night before,also ensure bag done ready for morning.
Ditch expecting an 8yr old,who likes skiddiln in sink, to utilise her opportunity n develop some kinda time management
Feed them ,as soon as get in. Four hours til dinner, they be run ragged. Need fuel. If half 7 dinner for social/family sit down together,ok. ...but move it til after bathtime, they get cereal ,toast n hot chocolate.
If feed earlier she might adapt better.shes only wee,even now,once my hunger/anger wears off I can't manage a rice krispi. I spent yrs fueled by "empty" feeling
At all times remember YOU the adults THEY are the kids.
They don't come wi guidelines, unlikely they'd AV read them anyway. Reassess everything,clothes,bath times,what,when dinner.have alarms for..music practice, chill out,eat,and set timers for when times up.(Actual I wouldn't I detest pressure)
HOME life is whatchu make it. . If it's fuckin you up,rethink it.its NOT healthy for any of ya feeling nipt for time,always lagging n no hit the mark. They dini stay wee forever, try make it as gentle pleasant n happy as you can. Wee don't =daft.once ma ,da agreed viable plan you set it to them.we all love a star chart.

One of my girls has adhd and autism. A lot of what you said was familiar. I don't like labels. Everyone is different and has their own strengths and weaknesses. But understanding she is autistic and adhd helped me know how to best support her and made life better for us all. See your GP.

Can your DS go wake your DD up?

If you have breakfast in the car often then make breakfast time in the car.

School stuff should be packed the night before, if DD doesn't have time then you do it.

Dinner is really late for such small children, I know in places like Italy children eat late but they also have a siesta.

Bring dinner forward or at least give snacks as soon as they are home. Fruit, cheese and biscuits, picky bits, let them graze and have some time to decompress and do whatever they want.

They do not need life to be structured every min of the day.

Cut dinner time. 30 mins and then the table is cleared. Again have grazing / snacks available.

Don't do dance and play just before bed.

After dinner bath and Pjs on, then they can watch TV, read, do quiet things, their bodies need to get ready for sleep.

Get both in their room(s) earlier but they can read until lights out. It might be worth them having a warm drink, milk or milky hot chocolate.

This is crazy - they have 4.5 hours between getting g home and lights out .

They need to eat sooner.Being hungry is probably making your daughter slow and lethargic.They need to eat earlier and then maybe a slice of toast before bed
You havd some strange ideas! Goi g to bed with a full belly will nake them sleepy, dancing before bed makes them hyper.it is bad for sleep!

When I read this I wondered if you had adhd before you said you did in a later post.
i have it too.
It can mean we find easy tasks hard.
What you have written down is a normal weekday for hundreds of families.It can be stressful.

I wonder if you stressing around your Daughter is creating her slowness as a reaction, to calm herself down, she’s responding to you flying around by taking her time to reduce her stress.
Could you keep the schedule but totally change your interactions?
eg
Put food in from of her and sit not discussing time just let her get on with it
In the mornings wake her up and never shout, just pop in after 10 mins and say you need to get dressed now, then 10 mins after etc. tell the school your trying a new strategy for a couple of weeks and maybe late.
See if she goes to practice her instrument voluntarily.
Generally change your style and see if she speeds up..
Reflect on if she is happy or if she is stressed too.