Not sure what to do - would you just leave this?

[Squishsquashcat]

It’s very minor in the grand scheme of things.

DS - 15 and year 11, is generally a well behaved kid. He's never had a detention at school, does his homework, top sets etc.

I got a message from school today to say he has an after school detention tomorrow for ‘anti social’ behaviour.

I asked ds and he was - I believe - genuinely taken aback. He stated straight away he didn’t know what it was for. We knew which lesson the detention related to from the message and he said the only thing he could think of was that there had been an incident where a pencil case of a student was hidden - ds didn’t take it but he did laugh about it. The teacher asked where it was and ds replied and said ‘it’s at the back of the room.’ And as far as he was concerned that was it.
I realise this behaviour is irritating and I’ve suggested that it’s not ok - but usually the behaviour system goes warning, lunchtime detention and then after school. I could see maybe a lunchtime detention but after school seems heavy handed. Usually a straight after school detention would be for something like fighting, swearing at a teacher etc. I’ve worked in the school so I am aware of how it usually works.

I emailed the teacher and she replied and said ‘I’m surprised he’s forgotten as we would never have expected to have to give X a detention’
she then went on to say he had ‘put on a stupid voice’ and she’d had to ask ‘several times,’ to fetch the pencil case from the back of the room.

DS is absolutely refuting this - to the point where he’s asking me to get witnesses 🙄 as they will confirm his version of events.
He is most outraged that she is saying he knew about the C3. I really believe he didn’t because I don’t see what he’d have to gain from saying he wasn’t aware?
He wants me to go to see her - with him - to apologise if his tone was off (he is ASD and sometimes his tone doesn’t match exactly how he means to come across). I think the ASD means that he is also finding this hard because he doesn’t think it’s fair. As far as we are aware the others didn’t get a detention unless they also weren’t told.

He’s also said he will go and see her on his own because he wants to understand why he has the detention.

He wants me to take it up with the head of year. I’m inclined to say to him to sit the detention, suck it up and don’t be a pain in the future. On the other hand he is OUTRAGED and says she is lying. I’ve explained that if he isn’t being a pain at all then these thing won’t happen but he still wants me to take it to the HoY. This seems overkill to me but I think to him it’s important.

Aibu to just say sit the detention and leave it? Or should I wade in on this?

He said, she said. I couldn't be bothered to take it further but if my son wanted to himself, then fair enough, up to him.

I had a call telling me ds was getting a bullying reprimand which included me going into school and ds into isolation... His crime? He moved his best mate's bag to the back of the class. The mate he sits with daily and stayed over at our home..
Teachers need to get a grip...

That does seem extraordinarily harsh. So it wasn't him who actually hid the pencil case? But does the teacher think it was? Did that person also get detention? Did anyone else?

I think he's better off to take the punishment and forget about it. Even if he doesn't agree with it, not turning up will be a black mark.

I'm going to disagree with the posts I've read so far.

This is clearly important to him. You have a choice - to have his back, or to make out like his feelings are not important. He's 15. This could be a defining moment in your relationship going forward. If you do find that there are witnesses to his version of events, and can back him - he'll remember this. If you choose to ignore something that he clearly feels hard done to about - he'll remember that too.

My children are adults, and even now they appreciate the times I stood up for them, when it was what they wanted

Sure, in the grand scheme of things it can be viewed as unimportant. But to him, right now, it is.

I know I'll probably get a bit of a pile on telling me why I'm wrong. It's fine.

I can only respond based on my experience if raising teenagers and the strong relationship I continue to have with them now they are adults. My response would have been the right thing to do for my family.

If other people have other experiences and think that how I would deal with it wouldn't be right for them - I'm sure you are right. You know your family, I don't.

Why is he touching another kid's stuff without permission?

I must be getting old. When I was at school I had do stay after for detention without any discussion. I got home an hour late and I then had to explain the reason to my mother. Why do schools involve parents in these issues?

No he didn’t take the case himself and in her email she stated that too.
Im not sure if anyone else has detention, ds doesn’t know because he didn’t know that he had detention.

The teacher involved has just come back from being off with stress and I think there is a fair bit of low level - and some higher level - poor behaviour in her classes. I feel for her, I couldn’t do it. Apparently today some of the other students were being noisy and she said ‘I’m done, I’ve had enough of this,’ and then proceeded to walk out of the room for a couple of minutes before coming back in.

I am torn on it because I also feel it is important to DS and I have stated I believe him but also that it may not achieve anything to raise it with the HoY - apart from to put him on their radar when I doubt currently they know who he even is.

Personally I would use it as a lesson. Sometimes great injustices are going to happen. Give the teacher a heads up that he still doesn't understand his "crime" and so will be coming to speak to her. Don't go with him. He is to go and speak to her to get an understanding and then even if he disagrees he is to do the detention.

I agree with @NeverEnoughPants. If he's so admant that he didn't do anything wrong to then point he wants you to do that, I'd be inclined to believe him, especially if it's out of character. I am a parent who will always support the school if my child did anything wrong, but I also think it's important to listen to your child and investigate further if necessary. No one should suck up or blindly accept a punishment if it's unjust. I'd be not allowing him to go to the detention until I'd spoken to them again and got to the bottom of it.

So they know where their kid is.

I'd make him do the detention.
Say you weren't there, it's the teachers version of events and even if she is wrong about his level of involvement he was somehow involved.

This is what the teacher has decided the punishment is.
Maybe next time he'll stay completely out of things.
Don't undermine the teacher.
He's perfectly capable of apologising without you there.

I'm with @NeverEnoughPants . It sounds out of character for him to be messing about and I think it's really important that you have his back because the incident is important to him.

I would say to him to speak to her tomorrow and then between you you can decide where to go (if anywhere) from there.

You can have his back. You can tell him you believe that he wouldn't have done and you understand the circumstances.

But ultimately the detention is the teachers decision.

It's really shitty to hide someone else's stuff. And then laughing about it - the student in question could easily have felt rotten about this and if he was your son instead you would want it dealt with seriously.
You can show your son you believe he didn't mean to cause any bother and wasn't the one who took it in the first place, while still saying he should do the detention since it's not as it he did nothing wrong

I agree with you OP as well that she sounds like a teacher under pressure.

My advice would be don't get involved.

There will be many times in life where he will have to suck it up, so it's a life lesson. If he hadn't got himself involved -albeit in a fairly minor way - he wouldn't have got the detention.

I agree with advocating for your kids, and I did very vocally when required, I had his back. But I would let this one go and tell him to just do the detention and in future shut the fuck up in class.

So he was doing something that could have be an viewed as bullying (his teacher hardly knows who's been to his house) but at the least was mucking about and disruptive.

My instinct would be to stay out of it and let him deal with it and do the detention. He could go to talk to the teacher to find out what exactly she is unhappy about. But remind him that if he does that he needs to be calm, polite and apologetic.

However, my DD is ASD and also has a very strong sense of justice/fairness. And if it was her I think I might try and go in and talk to the teacher with her as I would worry that she would actually make things worse getting upset if she feels she didn't do the crime. So in that case I think i would frame it as we assume the detention stands, but we go and talk to the teacher together and make sure she understands what exactly she was unhappy with. I wouldn't be trying to get her out of the detention though.

I disagree. You don't need to always do as your kids want to have their back. Nor do parents always need to have their back.

Parents need to act as a moral compass, so if a child is moving people's belongings without consent, and then mocking teachers in silly voices, then I'd have no issue in reinforcing the detention. Detentions aren't exactly torturous, I'm sure he'll be fine.

I'm more concerned that the poor teacher was stressed out of her head and had to leave the room. Poor thing.

I think if anything I'd be mentioning that to the school in a kind way. That you hope she's ok.

As for your son, she clearly thought he was the instigator. Maybe he needs to stop laughing at other peoples stolen stuff and knuckle down. As should they rest of them. Instead of upsetting the poor teacher.

While I'd fight for my child like a tiger, on this occasion he needs to learn that you can't push people past their limits or it doesn't end well.

Have a laugh AFTER class.

And the lot of them should stop hiding peoples things and laughing. How would you feel if your child's possessions were hidden so he had no pencil to do his school work with. You'd not like it.

Kids. I've no patience for their nonsense. They should be grateful they get free education. Unlike some countries. (Leaves before she starts to rant....)

I'd assume the voice he used was probably the real issue.

Possible very sarcastic or dismissive towards her.

Teachers you deserve a medal.

I think all teenagers have difficulty knowing how their are perceived by others. Esp adults.

Can you talk it thru with him, maybe roll play it? He can be the teacher (being reminded what her job is, which is not looking gif pencil cases).
See if he can understand another point of view.

Understand why she is giving consequences. (To prevent future behavior)

Talk about the imbalance of power at school.

She if you can get him to just draw a line & leave it.