Not sure what to do - would you just leave this?

[Squishsquashcat]

It’s very minor in the grand scheme of things.

DS - 15 and year 11, is generally a well behaved kid. He's never had a detention at school, does his homework, top sets etc.

I got a message from school today to say he has an after school detention tomorrow for ‘anti social’ behaviour.

I asked ds and he was - I believe - genuinely taken aback. He stated straight away he didn’t know what it was for. We knew which lesson the detention related to from the message and he said the only thing he could think of was that there had been an incident where a pencil case of a student was hidden - ds didn’t take it but he did laugh about it. The teacher asked where it was and ds replied and said ‘it’s at the back of the room.’ And as far as he was concerned that was it.
I realise this behaviour is irritating and I’ve suggested that it’s not ok - but usually the behaviour system goes warning, lunchtime detention and then after school. I could see maybe a lunchtime detention but after school seems heavy handed. Usually a straight after school detention would be for something like fighting, swearing at a teacher etc. I’ve worked in the school so I am aware of how it usually works.

I emailed the teacher and she replied and said ‘I’m surprised he’s forgotten as we would never have expected to have to give X a detention’
she then went on to say he had ‘put on a stupid voice’ and she’d had to ask ‘several times,’ to fetch the pencil case from the back of the room.

DS is absolutely refuting this - to the point where he’s asking me to get witnesses 🙄 as they will confirm his version of events.
He is most outraged that she is saying he knew about the C3. I really believe he didn’t because I don’t see what he’d have to gain from saying he wasn’t aware?
He wants me to go to see her - with him - to apologise if his tone was off (he is ASD and sometimes his tone doesn’t match exactly how he means to come across). I think the ASD means that he is also finding this hard because he doesn’t think it’s fair. As far as we are aware the others didn’t get a detention unless they also weren’t told.

He’s also said he will go and see her on his own because he wants to understand why he has the detention.

He wants me to take it up with the head of year. I’m inclined to say to him to sit the detention, suck it up and don’t be a pain in the future. On the other hand he is OUTRAGED and says she is lying. I’ve explained that if he isn’t being a pain at all then these thing won’t happen but he still wants me to take it to the HoY. This seems overkill to me but I think to him it’s important.

Aibu to just say sit the detention and leave it? Or should I wade in on this?

Oh come on. It’s his best mate, it’s larking about! If teen best mates are getting upset about a moved bag, there really is no hope.

As a teacher, I’d say a large amount of fall outs between boys come as a result of them mucking about with or hiding each other’s stuff. It’s really annoying and disruptive and one of the main causes of fights.

It's not just a moved bag though is it...

I'm with NeverEnoughPants, this could be a defining moment, you either back him or you trust the school over his word and lose his trust.

Are you friends with any of his friend's parents? Do they have any insight into the situation?

What does that teach him? That he can never question authority? That adults are always right?

I remember once when my daughter was really small and had had a stomach upset. I thought she was over it and had to take her to the shops where she proceeded to have hideous diarrhea as I was trying to check out, it was horrible all round and she was screaming her head off.

As all that was happening and I was desperately trying to pay for my shopping while soothing my distraught baby girl, I overheard one of the women on the tills comment to the other, "I'd slap her legs, it wouldn't stop her, but it would teach her a lesson."

That's you.

What is it then?

Disruption when moving the bag.
Attention diversion from learning.
Annoying to other students.
Dressed up as "just moving a bag".

You can raise it with HoY but in all honesty it's unlikely to make any difference - they will back up the teacher. I would just tell your son that while you think the detention is a bit of overkill, he should just go and do it and put it behind him. It's a good lesson that life is not always fair and we have to just suck it up sometimes 😕 and tell him next time there's classroom shenanigans, best to stay out of it altogether!

Not bullying. But ‘it’s just banter’ people are still dickheads and it starts by parents believing their little angels are just ‘boys being boys’. It’s raising another generation of massive pains in the arse, starting with the teachers and classmates who have to put up with it. No one likes the class clown, no one looks back fondly on them.

@Squishsquashcat id back your son up, or at least try to get to the bottom of it. Being autistic and evidently having the ‘high sense of justice’ trait means he may not let this go, leading to poorer behaviour/effort in the class in future. It’s best for all involved to get to the bottom of what actually occurred and move forward in a way that benefits everyone. Obviously if a detention is deserved then it should be carried out, ND or not.

What is it then? Bullying your best mate? It’s teen boys larking about with their mates. It’s always happened, I’m sure he’s not crying about it. He’s not called him a big fat gay & spat on him, he’s jokingly moved his bag. Jeez🤣

Stop minimising your child's behaviour.
No one else is finding it funny. In fact they're probably fed up with his "banter".
The amount of disruption this stuff causes in classrooms is ridiculous. Save your bag moving for the playground.

Also reported your ableist language.

@Squishsquashcat

top sets etc.

• This riles me. My dd14 is in the bottom sets for most subjects but behaves well. She's dyslexic.

Do you think all of the kids in the lower sets don't want to learn?

It depends what the stupid voice was if it was a impersonation of a character or person or was mocking someone then it would be wrong but if it was tone and related to his autism then he shouldn’t be punished

I would be inclined to tell him that even if it isn't fair he should do the detention. The fact that he has never been in trouble before suggests that even the quiet, well-behaved kids are mucking about in this teacher's classes. He has joined in being silly with a group of others. Maybe they haven't all been punished but that doesn't mean he didn't deserve to be. If his argument is just that he didn't receive a warning, perhaps he wasn't listening? I agree with PP, if he was the child whose possessions were being hidden around the classroom, you would want the 'bullies' on detention.

I think you're looking for offense where none is warranted, saying he does his homework and is in top sets isn't a comment on kids in lower sets or their desire to learn, it's providing background on her kid.

What ableist language?

This is really bad advice.

children and teenagers need to know that just because an adult says it is so and you have to do something, you don’t. Especially if it is dangerous, abusive or unfair.

how would you feel if you got a written warning in work from someone else’s actions?

he didn’t hide the pencil case therefore it wasn’t his responsibility to go pick it up and return it either.

It’s in the small stuff like this that teenagers learn to stand up for what is right and advocate for themselves.

OP if I were you I would speak to the teacher on the phone and explain about your son’s ASD and that he is really upset by this. Could she explain exactly what happened and can you talk about the Scranton and whether a lunchtime detention would be more appropriate. Your son also needs to understand the situation as well and has asked to speak to the teacher with you there

Leave it. Kids have too much of a say these days, which is half the problem.

Why did the teacher single out your son to ask where it was? She put it on him to act with a higher responsibility than his peers. I do think it is good to be able to stand up against bullying but even though he did the right thing and told her the location, he still ended up punished. She should have spoken to him after class if she felt he put on a voice rather than just sending the C3.

I would back him and support him speaking to the teacher about it. You could suggest a way to approach it and run through what he could say? I do think, especially as he is ND that he needs to talk to her due to his sense of justice and right and wrong.

Secondary kids can be brutal and spot weakness in a teacher a mile off. If it is known she was off with stress and is then making comments and leaving the room, her time there and being respected is sadly probably numbered.

I was a truthful child. To this day, I despise lying. Won't intentionally tell a lie even if telling the truth drops me in it. Suspicions of ASD but nothing more, no investigations. Negative feelings about injustices, done to me, stick in my head forever. It's all tied together.

I had times where teachers treated me unfairly, even lied. My mother always backed me up and confronted the school because she understood me. She always did so in a polite and constructive manner.

I still remember these instances and the outrage I felt even 30+ years later but they serve mostly as a warm memory of my mum (R.I.P) who trusted and protected me when I was telling the truth.

It's bad enough when you are accused of doing something you did not do. It's that much worse if your closest loved one sides with your false accuser.

Maybe it was obvious her son had hidden it. Maybe he’s not the darling angel he claims to be.

OP, I’ve been teaching for years. I instantly suspect that there is way more to this story than your son is saying I’m afraid. It sounds like he’s just angry somebody has called him up on it.
To the people saying ‘oh it’s just a joke hiding a bag’ well actually kids hiding each others stuff is a common cause of upset and distress. I remember being bullied in year 6 (I remember it well) and what was their main approach? Hiding my stuff then passing it off as a laugh.
I suspect your son did use a sarcastic voice because he was showing off to his mates. Have the meeting with the teacher if you like, hopefully she’ll refute his story.
the fact he’s in top sets is neither here or there regarding his kindness towards others.

The ASD here is the important bit tbh. If you don't support him he will carry the injustice and the 'not being believed' for a very long time. My daughter has complex PTSD as a result of lots of incidents like this and left school in year 10 with no gcses.
In the past I would have always said back the teacher, because kids make stuff up, but I would suggest you empower your son to challenge this himself. He needs to know you've got his back.
My advice would be different for my NT daughter.

Oh this situation is a nightmare.

I'm a teacher and this happens a lot.

Someone will take the pencil case of some poor kid. It's usually a kid that's being bullied already.

The pencil case will be passed around between lots of students and move around the classroom so the poor kid who has had it nicked can't find it.

They are usually trying to get the kid into trouble so will point out to the teacher -"Look, X doesn't have their pencil case".

It's really really disruptive to the lesson.

I have handed out detentions in similar cases because honestly it's disruptive and it's bullying.

If he mocked the teacher by putting on a stupid voice or imitating her then that is incredibly disrespectful. I've seen teachers in tears over that - my friend who is Indian in particular.

Realistically your son was probably involved by others in bullying. He was then disrespectful to the teacher.

You can go into the school but be prepared that they may stick to their guns, especially if this was an incident where one student is regularly targeting another.