To think having children isn’t an accomplishment?

[RealGreyLemur]

It feels like society places so much emphasis on having kids as if it’s some grand achievement, but I don’t see it that way. AIBU to think that having kids shouldn’t be treated as an accomplishment in itself?

I've never heard anyone say it was. I do feel an accomplishment that I raised three adults, that I not only love but like as human beings. My youngest DC was just two years old when I was diagnosed with a life limiting condition.

This!

Having a child/children isn't an accomplishment in itself. And most parents do their best for their children; that's pretty instinctive regardless of circumstances

@Ceilingplatter yeah I've seen comments like that too.

@EmBear91 I love your passion and you make very good points.

People that say it isn't an achievement generally don't have children. I didn't think it was an achievement until I carried my daughter to term with SPD and then an EMCS. Then I've been raising her.

I realised feminism was a bit of a con - having a child changed me so completely. And I adore her and realise I can't work full time and give her all the love and support she needs unless I earn a ton and employ people to do everything. And frankly I don't want to. I love having the time to raise her. If I wasn't 43 I'd have a ton more.

Yes I think this is a fair point.

I was thinking more that a successful pregnancy and birth is more down to good luck than a direct result of hard work and skill like the parenting part, which is what I associate with accomplishment. I definitely didn’t intend to minimise how huge an achievement growing and delivering a baby is though, especially for those of you that have had to endure a lot to get to that point. Apologies that it came off that way. Of course you’re right that it will all depend on our own individual experience.

I think it can be a great accomplishment but it’s not the only type of accomplishment. There are many.

This post makes me very sad. I'm not qualified to give you any advice other than take care and celebrate you.
Please don't think I am being insensitive by asking if you have considered adoption as a method of parenting?

Sorry but suggesting adoption to infertile women is insensitive, we know it exists and have agonised over whether it is appropriate for us.

We dont need strangers suggesting it to us like it's something we hadn't thought of and can solve our problems. Just getting a child from somewhere won't fix the pain of infertility.

Yes but the human body does incredible things every day if you think about it, things like eyesight and hearing and how the body repairs itself after injury or illness, I was reading about the immune system and how it's under constant attack day in day out and if it didn't work like the clappers 24/7 then humans would rot to death in short space of time from bacteria, fungi, parasites and viruses, we only notice our immune system when it's overwhelmed and we become ill. Fascinating stuff.

I agree that ‘having a child’ isn’t an accomplishment. Most people have children and (as one of many examples used because it’s a recent news story) Chelsea Gleason-Mitchell could in no way say her having a child was an accomplishment. Neither could millions of other parents throughout the years. But as the first reply says, raising a child well is an accomplishment. So I agree with the op that having a child isn’t an accomplishment ’in itself’.

It is a huge achievement if you are unable to have children.

I think it very much depends on you as an individual how much of an achievement you believe it to be. I had my child at 35. Before this point I was not even convinced that I wanted children. I had a career I was proud of, a home I loved, my husband and I had travelled the world together. Then suddenly I was pregnant, a complete shock. Honestly, being pregnant, giving birth and getting to watch my child grow and develop has for me, been my biggest achievement. Everything else including my career and travels just don't compare. I don't expect anyone else to view this as an achievement. Let's face it, hearing about everyone else's pregnancy and child is boring. But for me I am proud to be a parent.

So every person has their own accomplishments whether they are giving birth to or raising children , academic, career, surviving difficult circumstances, supporting others and the list goes on. We should all feel that our accomplishments are valid and no-one has the right to make anyone feel inferior based on a comparison. I really feel for those who wanted children but it didn't happen for them . I thought that would be me at one stage and I know how fortunate I am, I don't take it for granted at all.

Sorry but it felt like an achievement for me. I'm really well educated, well-paid job etc.. however saving up enough for a mortgage to provide a secure home, then struggles with fertility that meant I had to overhaul my diet and exercise, then working through exhaustion from pregnancy. Giving birth is no walk in the park. Then raising them to the best of my ability.

Yes that's an achievement!

Why would it bother you for me to think that. Equally if someone says their achievement is reading 100 books, or getting dressed that day, that's up to them.

Couldn't have said it better myself

You mean mothers. Not women as a whole. Not women who can’t/don’t/choose not to have children.

The words “mother” and “woman” are not interchangeable.

Something is wrong will the people you are watching on TV and the people who taught you at school. Global Fertility is 2.4. Replacement is 2.1. Almost every country is under replacement. The only reason immigration can help some of the countries under replacement is people there are having more than replacement. Read the population implosion. You may want to look at Margaret Atwood and see a world where they are trying to make people have babies since people stopped. I am a woman. What the heck can’t I do as a woman? What the heck does that to do with being a mother? I can do anything. I am 52. I always could do anything.

In fact on the contrary, nowadays mothers (not fathers of course) are looked down upon if they’re not running a multi national business as well as raising kids, as a bit dumb (baby brain), kids are looked upon as out of control little brats and a lot of people seem to prefer dogs!

It often goes the other way too. Childless/childfree women who are running an international business are often looked down on if they are not raising a familyy at the same time, it doesn’t seem to count for as much.

I agree. I think to some people it's their identity and I was determined not to let motherhood become mine.

‘Just getting a child from somewhere’ is a really awful way to talk about adoption which is the most wonderful thing that some of us have experienced (and and achievement for kids and parents in itself).

It’s in no way something to ‘fix the pain of infertility’ but a different way to welcome children into our lives and enable parents and children to experience the love and stability of family life.

I hear that talking about it as an option is something that some people feel is insensitive and respect that, I ask in return that people use respectful language when talking about adoption.

It isn't an accomplishment but when you have a young baby and you look at her or him in their cot, you do feel very clever

Surely most normal parents should get some pride out of it? I know I would if I had had children.

I haven’t voted as I just don’t see it. I think earning a lot of money is seen as an accomplishment. People have kids all the time, it’s not really perceived by most as an achievement.

For the individual perhaps but not at a societal level. No-one is that interested in other peoples kids.