To have grabbed phone off DD and shouted at DH

[GrilledPrawn]

Teen DD has had plenty of warning/time/reminders to get homework done.

DH works 6 til 9, does very, very little support with our two children.
I’d already helped DD/DS with assignments. Put DS to bed. DD had started on her last assignment of two. DH arrived home, and I thought he’d help her finish off if needed.

i got ready for bed, but at 10 could still hear her downstairs crying. DH is just watching TV.
I went down to help. She finished and I told her to then go to bed.
She didn’t.

10.30 so now I’m insisting she goes to bed, but she wants to print something off.

I insist that we do it in the morning.
DD refuses, shouts at me - and now DH decides to join in and tries to get the printer working, but it’s not responding. I know I can do the printing from my phone in the morning.
This makes things worse as it’s undermining my stance and now DD is siding with DH.

I shout at them both and insist that DD goes to bed.
She goes - shouting at me.
I then check 15 mins later, and she’s in her room on her phone.

So I take it but need to grab it out her hand as she refuses.
DH then joins in (to undermine me) and I just shout at him to leave it.

DD wants her phone back, but I’m keeping it until sleep and then apologies in the morning.
DH is really pissing me off. He had the chance to help her, but didn’t. And then when he did decide to get involved he just made things worse.

You have decisions to make then.
Clearly he matters and not family .

I can’t be bothered to engage with posters with a fixed agenda but, in case you were worried OP, you were not physically abusing your teenager by grabbing her phone from her hands.

I think this situation occurred because everyone was overtired and worked up.
There are much deeper problems than this one incident.
I wouldn't have taken the phone off her or made a fuss about bedtime. I would have left them dealing with the printer and she would have to face the consequences of being tired the next day.
How old is she OP? I might have missed where you said this. Difference between a 13 year old teen and a 17 year old.

Anyway, it sounds like your DH isn't pulling his weight at home. I can understand how this is arisen if he is working from 6 am to 9 pm. He must be exhausted. But what is the reason for doing this? Is it because he has to work those hours to bring in enough money to support the family or is it because he has checked out of family life and it's just an excuse because he'd rather be working than doing household tasks and spending time with the family?
If it's for financial reasons could you work more to bring in more money or could he change his job?

The situation is not sustainable.

As far as the homework goes, when you and DD are feeling calmer I think you should have a chat together about better planning of the homework, ie. not leaving it until the last minute; making sure things are printed out in good time (printers are a pain in the arse for not working at that moment when you say "oh, I'll just print this out quickly before I go to bed").
Can she start homework straight after school for example or after a short break? Did she start it very late or was it just too much?
Help her to organize her time better and then let her get on with it. She now knows what happens if she doesn't organize herself properly - everyone ends up getting overwhelmed and in tears.
Is she struggling at school and needs extra help?

Lots of questions really which you can talk to her about.

Don't you think you should be focusing your ire on kids who think they can do whatever the fuck they want?

The OP reaching out for help now, on this issue and for her husband’s faults, is not a time to lay blame on the OP – especially for a one liner rhetorical question.

Why does she need helping with her homework if she’s a teenager? Let her get on with it.

This. YOU are the problem.

Missed that but she doesn’t say what she works - probs not the same hours her husband is doing 🤷‍♀️ she didn’t need to escalate the situation either way.

I work part time. DS is young and has additional needs.

He gets a lots of extra attention and I think DD must feel there is an imbalance.

Yes, I think I overreacted and should have handled it better.

DD has been much better though, in every way - and I do feel that once a boundary is stated, it needs to be enforced. My intention wasn’t to cause harm, it was to ensure that she knew her behaviour was inappropriate and that there would be a consequence.