To have grabbed phone off DD and shouted at DH

[GrilledPrawn]

Teen DD has had plenty of warning/time/reminders to get homework done.

DH works 6 til 9, does very, very little support with our two children.
I’d already helped DD/DS with assignments. Put DS to bed. DD had started on her last assignment of two. DH arrived home, and I thought he’d help her finish off if needed.

i got ready for bed, but at 10 could still hear her downstairs crying. DH is just watching TV.
I went down to help. She finished and I told her to then go to bed.
She didn’t.

10.30 so now I’m insisting she goes to bed, but she wants to print something off.

I insist that we do it in the morning.
DD refuses, shouts at me - and now DH decides to join in and tries to get the printer working, but it’s not responding. I know I can do the printing from my phone in the morning.
This makes things worse as it’s undermining my stance and now DD is siding with DH.

I shout at them both and insist that DD goes to bed.
She goes - shouting at me.
I then check 15 mins later, and she’s in her room on her phone.

So I take it but need to grab it out her hand as she refuses.
DH then joins in (to undermine me) and I just shout at him to leave it.

DD wants her phone back, but I’m keeping it until sleep and then apologies in the morning.
DH is really pissing me off. He had the chance to help her, but didn’t. And then when he did decide to get involved he just made things worse.

The only thing I’ve seen him home early is when the World Cup is on.

So he can get organised to be home earlier when he wants to.

DD played us off each other and he only popped up in order to undermine me, not to help DD finish her homework. Or because he realised I’d picked up on him ignoring her sobs so he could watch tele.

Im not sure it’s playing g you two against each other. But she has one parent who says what she wants to hear so ofc she’ll jump at it!
But yes the not giving a shit when she was crying WAS bad. And he knew it. And I suspect he thought ‘dd just wants to print her stuff. I’ll sort that out as the big helpful dad that ‘KNOWS’ and ill be the hero that sort things out’ unlike dwife
Except his decision was off because he didn’t take any of the context into account.

I want to say you need a chat etc… but seeing that it has been his behaviour since dcs were born, I’m not sure it will take you anywhere tbh.

I do think that your dd was simply exhausted. Hence the crying and then getting upset, wanting things printed etc…. So yes the best thing was for her to be in bed, not on her phone!!

Your bar is much too low.

And what did your h want to show you?!

She’s a teenager. Leave her to her own homework. I don’t understand parents getting over invested in kids homework other than ensuring they sit down and do it in primary school. Giving assistance where it’s asked for fine but if she’s old enough to sit sobbing over a piece of homework she’s old enough to get it done on time and ask for help. It’s on her if it’s not done and late not you.

maybe I am harsh but given how well my kids have done at school I don’t think so

Why are you with him?

As always, your issue isn't your daughter- who sounds stressed and not good at managing her time. I agree you shouldn't have grabbed the phone off her because that just escalated further was sounds like a pretty unhappy family evening.
WHY are you putting up with your useless bloody husband?

@ThatsNotMyTeen and dole teenagers need more guidance than others
The OP’s dd clearly does. She didn’t have an issue with doing the homework or fighting about that.
She was tired and annoyed at a printer not working. Helping her was absolutely the best thing to do

There must be a lot of unhappy households in Britain because this sounds like a typical scenario to me.

Not all kids can do the homework.

I remember staring at a blank page in my exercise book and an hour later it looking a mess as I had started and stopped trying to write a story about a subject and my mind had gone completely blank
I have read comprehension text then looked at the questions and read the text and looked at the text and can’t find answers to a single question

Just because lots of families are like this and the mothers miserable @VictoriaSpungecake, doesn't make it right.

It makes me a bit cross tbh. Because all the mothers who just put up with this shit from their husbands, are teaching their children that men are superior to women, can do what they like, and that the grunt work is women's work.

And then their kids set off in to the world to continue the cycle.

Don't hand the homework in. The world will not end. She will either be in trouble at school, or, hopefully, they will realise she is struggling with this section of work and offer extra help. One of my boys was not going well with high level maths in senior school. A lovely teacher said. I will be here in this room from 8am Tuesdays and Thursdays if anyone wants any help. My DS turned up to all of them. He is now, after graduating from a top uni in a commerce degree, an economic adviser to the government!!! One good teacher can turn things around. The school won't kow if you do the work for them though.
Printers are the bane of everybody's life. They are either out of ink or not working or not transmitting. Hopefully soon everything can be emailed.
In the meantime just buy another printer ( they are cheaper than the ink) and put it in your DD's room linked only to her computer..
Good luck

It is though

It's an adult in authority who has told a child to do something and they haven't so they resort to physical actions

It's not ok to physically assault a child just because you're the parent

I don't expect parents to resort to physical abuse...

How dare you minimise the abuse that many children face by equating a parent grabbing a phone out of the hands of a belligerent teenager with physical abuse. All for the sake of point scoring on Mumsnet. You ought to be ashamed of yourself.

As you clearly need it, here is a link to the NSPCC page on identifying physical child abuse: www.nspcc.org.uk/what-is-child-abuse/types-of-abuse/physical-abuse/

Grabbing something out of someone's hand IS physical abuse. A teacher would be suspended as minimum for it.

If your husband asked you for something and then grabbed it from your hand would you be so blasé?

Just because there are children going through worse abuse doesn't mean we can't call out minor abuses when they happen!

I've voted YANBU because I think you are overwhelmed and reacted in the only way an exhausted person can. But this is not sustainable. DH works long hours, yes, but this does not mean he gets to dump everything else on you, especially kids wellbeing. I think you both need to sit down and make a week plan of who is doing what and when, as well as bedtime and homework rules (etc) for the kids, then he can also be held accountable accordingly.

FFS. Victim blaming much? I don't think you have much of an idea how complex it can be to get out of such a situation. Try being cross at the husbands, perhaps?

And fyi, I grew up in a household of this type snd it did not teach me that 'men are superior'. To the contrary.

OP sometimes it seems that the first answer in a thread sets the tone, and not always the right one. Of course you weren't being controlling by wanting your teen to sleep at 10:30 on a school night.

That said, shouting doesn't help, but I think you know that. Try to disengage a bit, emotionally and where possible practically ( for example, cut corners with cooking), and consider all your options: separating when possible or reshuffling the burdens with H. Can't think of any others, sorry.

Of course I'm cross at the husband too @ThreeLocusts, he's completely useless. But the op is the only one who can do anything about it.

But, I am very happy for you @ThreeLocusts, that you worked that out. From these boards, it's clear that many many people do not, and simply follow the example set.

Taking your phone off your screamy teen in the middle of the night because you are trying to make sure they sleep well is not abuse.
Parents and teachers are not the same. Teens will hand their phone over to a teacher. They won't always do their parents the same courtesy.

Why does a teenager need you to supervise and your permission to print her homework?

Surely you should be creating an environment where she does the homework and can do it.

But it shouldn't require micromanagement.

Why was she sobbing over homework? That's clearly really disturbing and needs tackling

If she's finding homework this hard, then the best thing is to encourage her to attend the homework drop in sessions that most schools run at lunchtime

But I also can't imagine a world where a parent knowingly ignores their sobbing child.

That is the bit you need to tackle with your husband. Why did he ignore his child?

Grabbing it from their hands is physical. It never said she was screaming. And we don't know how old she even is, taking it from a 13 Yr old is very different to a 16 Yr old for example. A 16 year old can make decisions for themselves.
If you think pupils are politer to teachers, they aren't...

Completely disagree We all have choices and decisions in life and it can be very helpful thinking back on our previous ones regardless of the outcome.