To have grabbed phone off DD and shouted at DH

[GrilledPrawn]

Teen DD has had plenty of warning/time/reminders to get homework done.

DH works 6 til 9, does very, very little support with our two children.
I’d already helped DD/DS with assignments. Put DS to bed. DD had started on her last assignment of two. DH arrived home, and I thought he’d help her finish off if needed.

i got ready for bed, but at 10 could still hear her downstairs crying. DH is just watching TV.
I went down to help. She finished and I told her to then go to bed.
She didn’t.

10.30 so now I’m insisting she goes to bed, but she wants to print something off.

I insist that we do it in the morning.
DD refuses, shouts at me - and now DH decides to join in and tries to get the printer working, but it’s not responding. I know I can do the printing from my phone in the morning.
This makes things worse as it’s undermining my stance and now DD is siding with DH.

I shout at them both and insist that DD goes to bed.
She goes - shouting at me.
I then check 15 mins later, and she’s in her room on her phone.

So I take it but need to grab it out her hand as she refuses.
DH then joins in (to undermine me) and I just shout at him to leave it.

DD wants her phone back, but I’m keeping it until sleep and then apologies in the morning.
DH is really pissing me off. He had the chance to help her, but didn’t. And then when he did decide to get involved he just made things worse.

@Aysegull @PaperLampshade My former boss told me (grinning) that he knew some dads work late so that they’d arrive home after their wives had put the kids to bed.
I don’t think all the criticism of the OP here is fair. Her husband chooses to be out of the house for long hours. When he’s there he doesn’t do any parenting. He sat watching TV ignoring his crying daughter. The daughter did other things like playing about on her phone all evening, then started her homework too late. For both the dd and dh to insist on doing the printing at bedtime is ridiculous.

@GrilledPrawn Putting aside the dh problem, it would help if you had a calm talk with your daughter, and tell her that while you’re happy to help her with homework tasks, getting the homework done is her responsibility. If she plays on her phone all evening and doesn’t then have time to do the homework, that’s a choice she’s made. Trying to do her time management for her is futile.

There are two separate issues here. The homework one is fairly easily addressed. Let your DD fail and get into trouble with school. She might get a few detentions but she needs to start taking responsibility for her schoolwork without you constantly being on her case.

The larger issue is that you sound very lonely and unsupported in your marriage and family life. YABU to expect a husband who has never done his share of parenting suddenly to change the habits of a lifetime. He has shown you who he is and where his priorities lie for years now - how you choose to respond to this is up to you.

Sounds like you have massively escalated this tbh

How old are your children?
If one is a teen, I can't imagine the other needs much "putting to bed" aside from you sticking your head in to say "phone off, good night" ir whatever.

Was DD crying because she was stuck or frustrated? Was it genuine or just playing up? Did she ask?

Ultimately no one acted well here. You grabbed her phone and yanked it out of her hand. That's not a good look and is quite aggressive behaviour towards your daughter.

Thanks for all your replies.

This is my frustration : DH just doesn’t seem to care. Care enough to know : their medical appointments, parents evenings, bedtime, giving DS a bath, reading with them, knowing how or what they are learning at school. He doesn’t clean the house, or garden, put the bins out etc etc.

He knew she needed help but ignored her to watch the tele. That was his priority.

Things have been great today, and when I got back DD apologised and had tidied the lounge/her bedroom : and gave me a hug.

In terms of grabbing the phone : I asked her to give it to me, given her time chance, and she was shouting at me and refusing. I feel that if I don’t enforce the boundary, her behaviour will escalate in the future. She’ll know that I will give in and get round me. I think she was remorseful today, and she needs the security of a boundary.

OP, you are married to a selfish loser.
Make quiet plans to ditch him.
Your children will be adults that will see clearly what a selfish waster their father was.
Have no doubt about that.

It's still not appropriate to physically grab a phone off your child!

In that situation YABU. As a teen (you don't say how old) she needs to take responsibility so if she had to stay up late to print it and be tired the next day then that's her fault. She will hopefully learn her lesson.

Saying to print it in the morning would have potentially meant a stressful night for your DD. You should have left them to it and gone to bed if you were tired.

Also, if she was on her phone at after 11pm, then what are the boundaries regarding her phone? My teen is NOT allowed his phone after 9.30pm. It locks and doesn't unlock until 7.30am the next morning. Same for his tablet.

The reason she's still not finished it at 10 pm is probably because of excessive relaxation at other times

DD is probably 16 and that's why OP keeps ignoring the question

And DS is 14 and really doesn't need "putting to bed"

You've got too much on your plate. It was late and you were tired. She should have been in bed not printing things off at that time. She shouldn't have her phone that late/at bedtime anyway.

I don't think you were wrong, just tired.

i would back off around the homework you dd needs to be responsible for her own homework

and so what you lost your temper don’t worry it doesn’t sound like this is a regular occurrence it all got a bit fraught it happens parenting teenagers is very frustrating

and sounds like your dh could have been more supportive but choose the easy way

Not sure if you’re aware that the term ‘mong out’ is no longer considered acceptable due to its negative historical connection to people with disabilities.

How old is your daughter? Do you work OP?

You made a small thing into a big thing. If she goes to bed a bit later so what she'll be a bit tired and go to bed earlier then next night. You live and learn.

How on earth can you know that? If OP doesn’t work and her child is a TEENAGER then I think yeah, he should be able to watch a bit of TV after a long shift. OP comes across as very my way or the highway and that’s being more selfish imo.

@GrilledPrawn the martyrs of mumsnet were on it to day replying to you! I only read the first few replies mind you.

probably the same people who usually admonish women when men don’t help out at home.

Firstly you have a very normal sounding home (ie the kids, not the husband)

secondly what people don’t seem to get is that if your husband works 6-9 every day, then so do you - you have a job you do everything for the kids. It sounds to me like you are burnt out as you are effectively single parenting.

I don’t have answers but I hope you manage to sort this x

Why didn’t you just print it off given you said you could do it easily in the morning? It would have saved everyone a lot of upset. Your DD needs to start her homework much earlier. I’d applogise for over reacting but i’d also say that she needs to start homework straight after dinner at the latest.

I'd blame the school tbh. Not one should get much it causes family arguments. Tell the school to do one.

Unless it's a levels which I doubt.

Do you always lose it with your DH when he tries to help your children?
I'm going to assume yes - because you weren't happy that he didn't help straight away and then yelled when he did help. How old are the children if DS needs someone to put him to bed and if they need that much help with homework - or do you micromanage everything?
Honestly you sound difficult to live with!

Didimum · Yesterday 08:10

Forget the phone and the printer and bedtime. This isn’t your issue. Your issue is that you don’t feel supported in your marriage or with parenting.

But the phone printer and bedtime is the occurrence that will be solved well before the other so op does perhaps have to look at that. (No yes op does have dh issues and he needs to get in as much as she is).
Op sometimes you have to take a deep breath and think ‘in the huge, big scheme of things is this really that big a deal?’ Waiting until the morning when there’s a chance there could be eg an issue with the printer or something to mess up the morning, or potentially you saying ‘there’s no time’ is huge to a teen if they really want something done. Ps I know the reason you’re on mn is this probably isn’t that regular an occurrence but I need regular reminders so just in case x

I’d probably have just said to her email it to me and I’ll print it for you while you’re in bed?

i do however have a 9 year old with no homework, no phone and a solid bedtime routine who simply refuses to go to sleep before 11pm. It causes me so much stress. Her mood is crap because she’s always tired. But I can’t force her to go to sleep. I can facilitate it to the nth degree but other than drugging her what can you do. So I sympathise with that stress.

I have no idea why you’re getting such a hard time.

• of course it’s appropriate to still push your child to do their homework because parents should still parent even if the child is now a teenager. If she’s doing GCSEs you don’t want her falling behind and some teenagers do need more support some others.
• you lost your shit because your DD was not listening and your DH was being useless. He probably jumped in at the last minute after realising that he was being useless but is so out of practice when it comes to parenting that he did a shit job.
• teenagers absolutely do need firm boundaries. They are still children and when children push boundaries it’s often akin to testing the handrail on a rickety bridge - there’s comfort in knowing that it is steady and they can relax when they know that it’s firm and can support their weight.
• there is nothing wrong with occasionally shouting. Children need to know when they’re pushing you too far. And there was absolutely nothing g wrong with grabbing her phone. What were you supposed to do otherwise, just keep asking? Now that would be ineffective parenting. It sounds like you have done a great job with your DD. You had a particularly frustrating evening but have all come out of it perfectly fine with hugs and apologies (from the teenager).

It really makes me sick that people are accusing you of micro-managing because you want to limit screen time and ensure your kids have enough sleep!

Why are parents so afraid of parenting past a certain age? Because it's perceived as controlling? That's crazy. Of course they need to feel independent and manage their own work load/ screen/ social time. But when is becomes damaging and detrimental to their health eg not enough sleep, missing deadlines, emotional outbursts as has happened here you have to step in. It would be neglectful if you didn't, you have to be uncool, stuffy parent sometimes unapologetically.

We all lose our cool op, everyone. I am glad things are better between two you today.

And for the people asking about whether the op works, I hope it's to help rather than to be critical.