To have grabbed phone off DD and shouted at DH

[GrilledPrawn]

Teen DD has had plenty of warning/time/reminders to get homework done.

DH works 6 til 9, does very, very little support with our two children.
I’d already helped DD/DS with assignments. Put DS to bed. DD had started on her last assignment of two. DH arrived home, and I thought he’d help her finish off if needed.

i got ready for bed, but at 10 could still hear her downstairs crying. DH is just watching TV.
I went down to help. She finished and I told her to then go to bed.
She didn’t.

10.30 so now I’m insisting she goes to bed, but she wants to print something off.

I insist that we do it in the morning.
DD refuses, shouts at me - and now DH decides to join in and tries to get the printer working, but it’s not responding. I know I can do the printing from my phone in the morning.
This makes things worse as it’s undermining my stance and now DD is siding with DH.

I shout at them both and insist that DD goes to bed.
She goes - shouting at me.
I then check 15 mins later, and she’s in her room on her phone.

So I take it but need to grab it out her hand as she refuses.
DH then joins in (to undermine me) and I just shout at him to leave it.

DD wants her phone back, but I’m keeping it until sleep and then apologies in the morning.
DH is really pissing me off. He had the chance to help her, but didn’t. And then when he did decide to get involved he just made things worse.

Er, OP does work. At least read her posts before jumping to her “poor” DH’s defence.

husband is an absolute avoider. I have worked with many. all men, of course. Staying in the office bantering with the trainees and apprentices at 7.30pm so they don’t have to go home and face bedtime. Wankers.

Dh is the problem. He needs to cut back or step up on weekends to give you a break. What's the point if your doing it all solo. What use is he to you, if there's no marriage and he's shit with the kids.

Poor kid.

How old is your DD op?

Sounds really late at night to be doing homework

I'm sorry your husband isn't more help, is it worth having a serious discussion with him? If he doesn't make some changes perhaps look at ending things.

🙄

I would have a set amount of phone free/study time say 6-8. Then assuming everything is done she gets it back. I would also have a no phone rule overnight so would request it back at bedtime.

Teenagers are a mess of hormones arent they? Theyre still children but thinkntheyre adults then pull off behaviour that shows they're children eg not getting homework done.

@GrilledPrawn it sounds to me like you are tired and no wonder. You put in more hours than your DP does with a full time job and all house and kids responsibilities. You need to sit down with him and reassign work to him. Also talk to him about how his actions undermine you because you're right, they did.

Homework is a burden. Your teen DD needs to learn that homework first means she can do what she likes on her phone afterwards. She can't be left to decide this herself, so sadly you will need to put things in place to help her. I'm sure once she gets into the swing of it, she'll realise how liberating getting rid of a burden asap actually is. (I used to do the majority of my homework during breaks and over lunch at school so I was free of it asap and could go see my friends - mobile phones weren't around then 😉)

Def keep her phone until she apologies for her behaviour. Shouting etc at a parent is OOO even if you were, rightly angry first.

Sending a hug, it's not easy doing everything at home and working full time. You are in essence a single parent.

I agree with this. Unless there were serious consequences (like a piece if assessed coursework due) then sobbing at night because she'd left it too late to complete a piece of work because she'd been wasting time in her phone would be a lesson learnt. Agree I think you need a set routine with an hour set aside for homework where you will help and no phones in bed.

@BellesAndGraces

I think jumping in after realising he was being useless nails it!

And I agree with the rest of your post!! Very eloquent and well put. I like the handrail analogy.

Really interesting reading all the replies, because they match my feelings about whether I was right/wrong.

I’m hoping I generally don’t overreact, but I feel I could have handled it better.

All seems back to ‘normal’ now - everyone calm, happy. DH even woke me up at midnight to excitedly show me something….🤪

I think you need to do two things.

Over the weekend have conversation with your DD apologise to her about last night.

Make a plan going forward with expectations about when homework is to be done. If she is in Year 10 then explain to her that homework alongside revision once she is in year 11 next year is going to hard.

Work out how you can help her, maybe get a planner/wallchart where she can see what she needs to do and when.

Have a set bedtime maybe say 10pm Sunday and Thursday and later on Friday/Saturday night.

As for H I would be seriously be thinking whether to I would want to continue in this relationship or whether going forward alone with the children would be better.

And there was absolutely nothing g wrong with grabbing her phone. What were you supposed to do otherwise, just keep asking?

OK, so when she has it out at school and the teacher keeps asking, it's ok for them to grab it and physically remove it?

Yeah because that’s the same.

Don't know why you are getting such a hard time!
you hear your daughter crying over homework. You assume her dad will ask her what's wrong/attempt to sort. He doesn't. You go downstairs and because it's late and you want her in bed you say you can print in the morning. DH now attempts to play good cop and says he will print! Of course thats crap! Why didn't he do it in the first place?
It's hard when you do EVERYTHING and just want your dc to do well and DH doesn't help even when he actually is present. I think the only way to avoid this is when DH eventually offered to do the printing you you just accepted it and went to bed, leaving them to it. Teens don't need to be in bed at 10.30. The odd late night weather it's for homework or social stuff is fine, just allow it.

No, because I don’t expect teachers to parent.

I'd be pretty appalled if my teen was crying over homework and DH was watching TV ignoring her! He sounds unhelpful.

I do think you need to introduce boundaries around phone use though, if you don't already have them. Mine have to leave their phones downstairs overnight so if they are staying up later, they're reading rather than being on a screen.

That last post was grim op. Your bar is far far too low, but you appear happy about it. I hope your daughter works out for herself what is and isn't acceptable, and doesn't copy you.

I really hope it was the aurora borealis ...

All the drama last night was because of the bigger things going on: DH uses his long hours to absolve himself of anything in the house, DD cannot manage her own HW and you're doing too much.

You will need to sort him out and make him do more. Save him housework and laundry for the weekend.

It's sad that your daughter was crying over a printer. She sounds quite stressed. You need to help her get into a better routine and ensure that she is doing no more than the bare minimum for HW. I am also concerned that she even needs to use a printer for HW. Maybe the expectations from the school are too high?

As others have said DH is the issue. Yes he’s working very long hours but he also needs to be a functioning member if the family.
You two need to have a serious chat about the shape of things to come so you work as a team for the family.

I think you are missing the real issue

It isn’t your dh and his work hours
It isn’t the fact your dh takes such a back seat with the children
It isn’t your dd not doing the prep
It isn’t her bedtime
It isn’t her phone
It isn’t her “laziness” at not starting the homework

Its the homework

Avoiding certain or all homework, sobbing over doing it. This is something to be concerned about

It also sounds like your other dc need extra input

To me there is something much deeper going on
Have you looked into things like dyslexia and ADHD

Your dd sounds exactly like me who would avoid certain homework because I had no idea how to even start doing it
I would do everything else but what I needed to do.
Everyone considered me lazy yet I felt I put in far more effort than anyone and would get pretty low marks for my extreme efforts
It was soul destroying
I even left school at the earliest time I could to get away from the homework

It took many years and sitting in on my dd’s Ed Psych assessment to realise that I too had dyslexia
Both dd and DS have been formally diagnosed

It took a few more years and my dd to come to me with the list of symptoms of ADHD and also ADHD in girls and ask the question, Did I think those symptoms matched her. They matched me as well as ds and thinking about it every one of my relatives.

My dd, ds and I have been diagnosed with ADHD

I’m with you OP. He needs to work with you to enforce sensible regimes and to step up if a child is distressed.

She had another parent there, there was no need for you to interfere the first time. She had you there dealing with things in her room, there was no need for her dad to interfere that time. You’re both as shit as each other.

now DH decides to join in and tries to get the printer working, but it’s not responding. I know I can do the printing from my phone in the morning.
This makes things worse as it’s undermining my stance and now DD is siding with DH.

I’d have just gone to bed and left them to it.