Page 4 | To want to spend my Bday with partner and not family

Blades2 · 2024-10-09T11:11:40+00:00

Just a quick one as I’m being riddled with guilt from my youngest (15) my birthday is on New Year’s Day, my kids dad wanted Christmas away this year so we agreed I’d have both our kids for Christmas and he would have them for new year. my partner really wanted to take me away for my bday, just us, as this is the first birthday in 2 years we’ve been able to celebrate together properly but my 15 year old is not wanting me to go and is being quite difficult (we’ve had a lot of issues this year with her dad being a complete dick tbh and it’s rubbing off on her) am I being unreasonable to do what makes me happy for once?

StayForever · 11/10/2024 12:00

Thank you! It’s definitely not an “every other weekend” situation here. It’s a “when I feel like it” situation🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️

It's no wonder she doesn't want to be with a 'father' she knows isn't interested in her. It's hard for you, but I think it must be even harder for her having to go and be where she's not wanted.

StayForever · 11/10/2024 12:02

DontCallMeKidDontCallMeBaby · 10/10/2024 13:27

I don’t think you’re wrong at all for wanting a break away with your partner.

But I do understand why your daughter is upset. Her dad sounds pretty crap, and at 15 she’s old enough to notice that he’s crap. In her eyes she’s literally being forced to go and visit a person, who usually only wants to see her for a couple of hours a month. I wouldn’t want to spend my new year with someone who was showed that little interest in me either!

I’m not saying you shouldn’t go. But I’m not sure your daughter is the spoilt little madam some people are making her out to be. If this was a relationship with any other man, who only ever wanted to see her on his terms, we’d tell her to steer clear. But because it’s her dad, she has no choice, she has to put up with it because that’s what’s ‘fair’.

In a couple of years, this won’t even be an issue. She’ll be an adult and old enough to make own choices. Her dad will reap what he sewed, when she puts the same effort in with him as he has with her. And so will you, as she realises exactly what you sacrificed, while he was off being useless.

Go on your holiday, and enjoy it. But try not to be too hard on her. It’s awful when you get old enough and realise your parent (in this case your daughter’s dad) doesn’t love you the way they should.

Yes, all of this. It's horrible that people are being negative about OPs daughter. Even the OP herself. Put yourself in her position, it's shit for her.

5128gap · 11/10/2024 12:22

So, she doesn't actually want to spend the birthday with you, as she'll be at her dad's anyway? She's just upset that her parents are both getting holidays away over the Xmas period and she isn't?
She's 15. I can get why her mind is working that way...mum could have took ME away rather than go away with HIM.
However, that's life isn't it? Most of us have to come to terms at some point with the idea that we are indeed not our parents 'whole world', that mothers have other interests and other people who are important to them. Its smarts a bit, but she'll get used to the idea.

GrandhotelB · 11/10/2024 12:31

Can you just not leave her at home on her own if she doesn’t want to go to her dads? The situation sounds a bit like mine growing up and that’s what my mum used to do. I’d end up having a few friends round and it was fine.

My mum no longer has the issue now as I’ve not seen her in years. I’ve better things to do.

StayForever · 11/10/2024 14:01

5128gap · 11/10/2024 12:22

So, she doesn't actually want to spend the birthday with you, as she'll be at her dad's anyway? She's just upset that her parents are both getting holidays away over the Xmas period and she isn't?
She's 15. I can get why her mind is working that way...mum could have took ME away rather than go away with HIM.
However, that's life isn't it? Most of us have to come to terms at some point with the idea that we are indeed not our parents 'whole world', that mothers have other interests and other people who are important to them. Its smarts a bit, but she'll get used to the idea.

I think it more than 'smarts a bit' when you have to spend time with a parent who isn't in any way interested in you. Lots of adults struggle with their parents not being interested in them, even harder when you're a teen.

5128gap · 11/10/2024 15:09

StayForever · 11/10/2024 14:01

I think it more than 'smarts a bit' when you have to spend time with a parent who isn't in any way interested in you. Lots of adults struggle with their parents not being interested in them, even harder when you're a teen.

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I'm not referring to her feelings towards her dad, but towards OP. OP is interested in her DD. She's upset with her over this one thing.

StayForever · 11/10/2024 15:59

I'm not referring to her feelings towards her dad, but towards OP. OP is interested in her DD. She's upset with her over this one thing.

Being upset at your daughter because she doesn't want to spend new year with a bloke who isn't interested in her, is very unfair. It's not the daughters fault that her dad is a selfish prick. Unfortunately when the other parent of your child is crap, it does mean you have to do more and be there more. (Also not fair)

I think OP and others should be understanding of the situation from the daughters point of view. Yes, it's shit for OP because she doesn't get to share parenting, and I'd like fathers like her ex to be punished for not stepping up, but those who have very little compassion for OPs daughter are heartless. It's not fair to be upset with her daughter because she doesn't want to spend time with a shot man. Be angry at the ex mate as for being such a fuck up. OPs daughter will get an adult soon enough and OP will have note freedom.

5128gap · 11/10/2024 17:38

StayForever · 11/10/2024 15:59

I'm not referring to her feelings towards her dad, but towards OP. OP is interested in her DD. She's upset with her over this one thing.

Being upset at your daughter because she doesn't want to spend new year with a bloke who isn't interested in her, is very unfair. It's not the daughters fault that her dad is a selfish prick. Unfortunately when the other parent of your child is crap, it does mean you have to do more and be there more. (Also not fair)

I think OP and others should be understanding of the situation from the daughters point of view. Yes, it's shit for OP because she doesn't get to share parenting, and I'd like fathers like her ex to be punished for not stepping up, but those who have very little compassion for OPs daughter are heartless. It's not fair to be upset with her daughter because she doesn't want to spend time with a shot man. Be angry at the ex mate as for being such a fuck up. OPs daughter will get an adult soon enough and OP will have note freedom.

That's not what the OP has said though, is it? The DD is spending NY with her father and grandparents because her father swapped his plan to have DD for Xmas. DD has according to the OP become upset about this only 'on getting wind' OP was taking the opportunity to go away herself.
Nowhere has the OP said DD doesn't want to be with her father, or even that she wants to be with OP particularly, just that she feels its unfair her parents are getting holidays at Xmas and she isn't.
I don't lack compassion for the DD at all, I said I can see how her mind is working on this. All I said is that she will get over her upset with OP for having a holiday she isn't getting. Particularly in the context of how involved and interested OP is and how much she does with her on every other day of the year.
Whether DD will come to see her father as disinterested and the potential impact of that is a different matter. And not one that will be resolved by OP missing her trip.

StayForever · 11/10/2024 18:22

OP has said that her daughter sees her dad for only a few hours a month, admits their relationship isn't good, and says she can't force her to go to his more often, implying the daughter does not want to go to his house and spend time with him at any time of the year.

That doesn't sound to me like the daughters only issue with going to her dads is that her mum is going away. It's just magnified the issue that's already there. OP won't force her daughter to go more during the rest of the year, but then does because it suits her now. It's shit for her daughter.