To want to spend my Bday with partner and not family

[Blades2]

Just a quick one as I’m being riddled with guilt from my youngest (15)

my birthday is on New Year’s Day, my kids dad wanted Christmas away this year so we agreed I’d have both our kids for Christmas and he would have them for new year.

my partner really wanted to take me away for my bday, just us, as this is the first birthday in 2 years we’ve been able to celebrate together properly but my 15 year old is not wanting me to go and is being quite difficult (we’ve had a lot of issues this year with her dad being a complete dick tbh and it’s rubbing off on her)

am I being unreasonable to do what makes me happy for once?

On reading the title of your thread I thought I would be siding with your DD. I’d imagined her wanting to be with you on your birthday. However, she is simply being petulant about the idea of you having some nice time away and not her.

You should certainly go and not take any nonsense from her. Sounds like you’re
doing everything you can to make sure that she gets treats and time away.

If you decide not to go, that will be sending her entirely the wrong message and you’ll end up here again.

Is it that it’s rubbing off on her or is it that she doesn’t want to be with someone who is a complete dick?

Why are so many pp's incorrectly saying the daughter wants to be with Op on her birthday? She doesn't, just wants a third holiday this year. Just a spoilt, immature girl. It's a moot point anyway though as Op said child would be at dads anyway.

I don’t entirely understand: if your daughter is with her father for new year, why does she mind if you go away? Let me assure you, though: there will be many birthdays later in life when your children really won’t care whether you go away or not, and you and your partner will be able to go away for a fortnight if it pleases you. If your daughter wants to spend new year with you, and your ex is agreeable, I’d let her. A birthday is really not that big of a deal once you’re over 21!

So tell her that - very clearly.

Teens often do the ‘it’s not fair’ routine. You just have to be firm in response, and it can sometimes consist of reminding them of what they’ve already had.

Just be matter of fact - she’s with her dad and you won’t be around.

Oh ffs boo fucking hoo.

Sorry but this ridiculous over indulgent pandering to teenage kids does them no favours. Parents need to teach them that they are as entitled to some private adult child-free time - just as teenagers like to have private time away from parents.

This child is just having a moan. Not remotely hard done by. Has had a summer holiday and is going away again with mum in December.

Child free breaks are extremely common among my friendship group . We are now 60 somethings but from about 45 onwards (so kids were about 6/7 ) we all made time for child free breaks to keep our relationships on an even keel.

If she's with her dad, I don't see the issue. Why are you allowing your 15 year old to
Dictate what you do?

You're her mother, tell her you're spending your birthday as you want and as she's with her dad then it shouldn't really matter to her what you get upto. Be firm and consistent and she'll get over herself.

To pps saying the daughter wants to spend mother's birthday with her, daughter will be with her father, she won't be seeing op over that period anyway. she just doesn't want her mum going away.

@changedlife I didn't say people couldn't have child free breaks or that parents should pander to their children's moaning. I'm just sure most teenagers would be giving it the 'it's not fair' argument. She didn't really need to know anything when she will be at her dads anyway. People can do what they want.

I’m wondering along the same lines. I think it’s a mix of general teenage ‘it’s not fair’ and possibly feeling like she’s been shoved like pass the parcel to each parent as a ‘well it’s my time to go off now’. There may be (likely wrongly) a feeling of being an unwanted burden whose parents don’t want around for fun things like holidays. I’d give plenty of reassurance that this is just a grown up holiday and one day she’ll appreciate it herself, but you can’t always sit at home just waiting for her to come back, not doing anything out of the ordinary in case it hurts her feelings. Her feelings may come from an unreasonable place for the most part, but telling her ‘it’s what’s happening get over it’, won’t fix things quickly.

You're entitled to go away with your partner op, I’d possibly not mention it in future if it’s just a few days away. Depends on your level of communication when she’s at her dads, would she have noticed if you’d not said anything?

You're allowed to have a birthday treat that doesn't include her. Go and have a lovely time OP, she'll get over it! Maybe you and DD could have an afternoon tea or something when you get back to celebrate your birthday?

You are not being unreasonable, but the sad and downtrodden martyrs on the thread will tell you that you are.

I think it's lovely your child wants to be with you on your birthday.

YANBU she's already having multiple holidays this year, so many people don't and or can't, she's really sounding a bit spoilt.

You are perfectly entitled to celebrate your birthday away if she's with her dad.

Tell her how lucky she is already and that when she has her own money she can go on holiday whenever she can afford it.

Some kids really push their luck imo.

Is she not welcome to go away with her dad over Xmas either?

From her point of view, as she's only young, both parents are palming her off at different times so they can go away without her. It probably feels quite shit for her.

It's your birthday, fine, but what is her dads reason for not taking her away with him?

i think you really know the answer...

on the one hand she is right, everyone is getting to do what they want to do over the festive season, but she's just being passed from pillar to post! why can't she go away with her dad at christmas and why can't she go away with you at new year?

but, you are also allowed a life as is her dad. She's at that age where she's beginning to notice these things, you just have to be firm, make sure she knows about the break away in december.. i can guarantee next year she will not want to spend time with any of you and will want to be doing things with her friends.

She's being a bit of a brat (which is normal at her age), just explain that she'll be with her Dad anyway and it's fine for you and DP to have some grown up time- it's only 2 days! Tell her you'll video call her on your birthday and have a late celebration when you're all home.

Are you intending to go somewhere that she’d like to go to? Is this what the issue is?

I think looking at the bigger picture, children of divorce will naturally witness their parents living separate lives to them and sometimes this is hurtful, even if you aren’t doing anything technically wrong. You have to weigh up if this is where you want to draw your line in the sand, bearing in mind in a couple of years time she likely won’t care one bit what you do.

Perhaps she feels as if she is the short straw - she gets packed off to yours so that her dad can go away, and then she gets packed off to her dad's so that you can go away. She's probably feeling like a burden that has to be shipped around so that her parents can have a nice time. She probably feels like everyone else is the priority and not her. If you and her dad weren't divorced and were going away, presumably she'd likely be coming with you since it would be over the festive period, so she might be feeling that this is another way she loses out due to your divorce. I don't think that means that you shouldn't go but I do think a conversation with her so she can express her feelings will go a long way to helping her deal with this and reassuring her that you do love her and want to spend time with her.

I think she's being a little unreasonable but I can understand a teenager feeling like her parents are abandoning her over the holidays - first her dad disappears over Christmas, then her mum over new year and she's being shunted around to suit your schedules. It's not fair of her, but she's young and probably feeling insecure.

Nope sorry. She's with her Dad. Not actually her business what you are up to.

Your post is confusing, or maybe it's just me.

are you saying your daughter is with you at Christmas as her dad is spending it it France.

Her dad returns and your daughter will be with her dad then.

So you'll be childfree and want to go away with your partner.

If that's the case...do it.

She would very much like her dad and I to be together, it’s just not happening, but she would do the same when we were together tbh.

Yes, that’s the case, since getting wind I’ll be away she’s kicking a fuss about not going to him at new year