Page 3 | To want to spend my Bday with partner and not family

Blades2 · 2024-10-09T11:11:40+00:00

Just a quick one as I’m being riddled with guilt from my youngest (15) my birthday is on New Year’s Day, my kids dad wanted Christmas away this year so we agreed I’d have both our kids for Christmas and he would have them for new year. my partner really wanted to take me away for my bday, just us, as this is the first birthday in 2 years we’ve been able to celebrate together properly but my 15 year old is not wanting me to go and is being quite difficult (we’ve had a lot of issues this year with her dad being a complete dick tbh and it’s rubbing off on her) am I being unreasonable to do what makes me happy for once?

Icanttakethisanymore · 09/10/2024 15:52

AgainandagainandagainSS · 09/10/2024 12:20

This. How nice that a teenager actually wants to see you and spend your birthday with you. But you don't want her around.

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Sounds like she might be more interested in a holiday then seeing her Mum on her birthday.

Original poster

Blades2 · 09/10/2024 15:54

thursdaymurderclub · 09/10/2024 14:51

i think you really know the answer...

on the one hand she is right, everyone is getting to do what they want to do over the festive season, but she's just being passed from pillar to post! why can't she go away with her dad at christmas and why can't she go away with you at new year?

but, you are also allowed a life as is her dad. She's at that age where she's beginning to notice these things, you just have to be firm, make sure she knows about the break away in december.. i can guarantee next year she will not want to spend time with any of you and will want to be doing things with her friends.

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Quite simply, he does not want her to. I have her 99% of the time, she sees him maybe one Saturday for a few hours each month, again, that’s him, I’d love some free time weekends but she’s 15, I can’t force her to got
When asked why she can’t go away with him she’s met with “because I’m allowed space and free time”
also, I don’t want her to go away with him and his third woman of 2024 🤦‍♀️

OP posts:

itsmylife7 · 09/10/2024 15:55

Blades2 · 09/10/2024 15:50

Yes, that’s the case, since getting wind I’ll be away she’s kicking a fuss about not going to him at new year

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Don't give in to her.

Birminghamx · 09/10/2024 15:58

It's always a case of balancing needs. In this situation my opinion is that the balance is in favour of your and your partner. She is 15 after all, clearly getting her fair share of the family's holidays etc, but 15 is a sensitive age so I hope she's not too difficult if this is what you decide.

AW24 · 09/10/2024 16:01

You're the adult. Do it.

Nanny0gg · 09/10/2024 16:11

Blades2 · 09/10/2024 12:20

The issue seems to be “dad gets to go France for Christmas, and now you’ll be away for new year, when do I get to go away”
I took her away just us two in summer and she I’ll be doing the same again in December with her

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Does she actually want to go to her dad's?

Nanny0gg · 09/10/2024 16:12

I don't actually think she's being that unreasonable as her father doesn't seem to prioritise her

DaisyChain505 · 09/10/2024 16:13

Your child shouldn’t get to dictate what you do in your time when she is with her other parent.

StayForever · 09/10/2024 16:36

Quite simply, he does not want her to. I have her 99% of the time, she sees him maybe one Saturday for a few hours each month, again, that’s him, I’d love some free time weekends but she’s 15, I can’t force her to got
When asked why she can’t go away with him she’s met with “because I’m allowed space and free time”
also, I don’t want her to go away with him and his third woman of 2024 🤦‍♀️

No wonder she doesn't want to be with him over new year, it sounds like she hardly knows him. He sounds like a prick.

If she's been used to being with you 99% of the time, it's probably hard for her when you want to do things without her, especially when her dad doesn't seem to want her and she has to go and be with him.

I feel for you as you're basically a lone parent. She'll see it differently when she's older, she'll realise you were always there for her and just wanted a little break.

Knackeredmommy · 09/10/2024 17:04

Go! Your DD is being unreasonable, don't feel guilty.

thursdaymurderclub · 09/10/2024 17:48

Blades2 · 09/10/2024 15:54

Quite simply, he does not want her to. I have her 99% of the time, she sees him maybe one Saturday for a few hours each month, again, that’s him, I’d love some free time weekends but she’s 15, I can’t force her to got
When asked why she can’t go away with him she’s met with “because I’m allowed space and free time”
also, I don’t want her to go away with him and his third woman of 2024 🤦‍♀️

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I'm a bit confused now? she only sees her dad occasionally for a few hours once a month? She has no real relationship with him and i assume given your snippy comments about his 3rd woman of 2024 this arrangement suits you?

Now he's agreed to have her for New Years, or have you forced him to have her?

I can actually understand why DD is acting out, you don't want her because you want your loved up weekend away with your partner, and her dad doesn't want her for whatever reason, and you actually don't want her to spend time with her dad because of his revolving door of women in his life.

He's not allowed to say 'because I'm allowed space and free time' yet you are when it suits you?

Original poster

Blades2 · 09/10/2024 18:00

thursdaymurderclub · 09/10/2024 17:48

I'm a bit confused now? she only sees her dad occasionally for a few hours once a month? She has no real relationship with him and i assume given your snippy comments about his 3rd woman of 2024 this arrangement suits you?

Now he's agreed to have her for New Years, or have you forced him to have her?

I can actually understand why DD is acting out, you don't want her because you want your loved up weekend away with your partner, and her dad doesn't want her for whatever reason, and you actually don't want her to spend time with her dad because of his revolving door of women in his life.

He's not allowed to say 'because I'm allowed space and free time' yet you are when it suits you?

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When we split, we agreed that we would be fair with Xmas and NewYear, as our shared children are both grandparents only grandchildren, and my exs parents live in another city so festive times are split between my family city and alternative years with his.
I was actually supposed to have them for new year this year, but he asked me to swap if I could, I agreed and that was that. Because of my agreement to swap my partner thought it would be nice to take me away for my birthday.

yes my dd probably doesn’t have a great relationship with her dad right now, I’m just trying to keep my side of the deal and not let other grandparents down.

OP posts:

StayForever · 09/10/2024 18:10

I do feel for you OP, but I think when the other parent is fairly absent, you do end up putting your own life on hold until your children are a bit older to make sure your children feel secure.

It's shit for you, but I think you need to consider how shit your daughter may feel. I have a 15 year old daughter and I think if me and her dad were separated, her dad was useless, and she spent most of her time with me, then she would probably feel crap about being shipped off to dads and feel a little abandoned in this situation.

I don't mean for a second that your are abandoning her, (this is a result of her crap father not you) but as a 15 year old without much life experience and spending 99% of her time with you, that's how she may feel.

PortiasBiscuit · 09/10/2024 18:12

Tell her to get over herself, she’ll be fine!

MrsPeterHarris · 09/10/2024 19:06

SunsetSkylane · 09/10/2024 12:21

Sounds like she's just being a bit of a spoiled brat, and wanting another holiday because she sees you having one.

It's fine - she'll be with her dad, go and do what you want to do.

I thought this too!

TomatoSandwiches · 09/10/2024 19:12

@thursdaymurderclub

" He's not allowed to say 'because I'm allowed space and free time' yet you are when it suits you? "

That's a bit rich when op has DD 99% of the time.

Op your DD is 15, she will be seeing her father and his family, she will be fine, she just wants another holiday, not to actually spend time with you.
She is old enough to understand she doesn't always get what she wants, plans have been made, stick to them, you deserve some time away if you want to.

noclue2024 · 09/10/2024 19:15

I deal with this too. My ex and I have been divorced for 9 years and this is the 1st relationship i've been in since our divorce. We have been together for 4 years. My EX does EVERYYYYTHING with my son and they are always going and doing. When I do, my son feels as tho he's missing something fun and wants to tag along as well
SEND HER TO HER DADS! Get away with your partner - she will get over it and you never know when you may be able to get away with just the 2 of you again. Tomorrow is never promised to anyone - my favorite saying
"Take the Trip - Buy the Shoes & Eat the dang Cake"

HoppityBun · 09/10/2024 19:16

Blades2 · 09/10/2024 18:00

When we split, we agreed that we would be fair with Xmas and NewYear, as our shared children are both grandparents only grandchildren, and my exs parents live in another city so festive times are split between my family city and alternative years with his.
I was actually supposed to have them for new year this year, but he asked me to swap if I could, I agreed and that was that. Because of my agreement to swap my partner thought it would be nice to take me away for my birthday.

yes my dd probably doesn’t have a great relationship with her dad right now, I’m just trying to keep my side of the deal and not let other grandparents down.

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But I thought the issue was you wanting to spend your birthday with your DP? But actually you’re selflessly thinking of the GPs?

Completelyjo · 09/10/2024 19:20

No surprise a 15 year old is over being passed from pillar to post so their parents can negotiate free time. She’s not a child now, she’s aware you both act like it’s an inconvenience and now she’s spending a chunk of time over the holiday with a man she barely sees or knows so you can go on holiday with your boyfriend.
No wonder she acts up.

TimetoPour · 09/10/2024 19:35

Take no shit OP. Do not feel guilty about taking some of your rare child free time to yourself.

You are not foisting your child off
Your child has already had holidays
You are not abandoning your child
Your childcare schedule was determined according to the ex and the dc- you are working around them.

Tell her this is your other half’s gift to you. You are going away to do the things you want to do without compromise. She only gets a say if you get to demand certain choices and share her gifts on her birthday.

TomatoSandwiches · 10/10/2024 09:26

Completelyjo · 09/10/2024 19:20

No surprise a 15 year old is over being passed from pillar to post so their parents can negotiate free time. She’s not a child now, she’s aware you both act like it’s an inconvenience and now she’s spending a chunk of time over the holiday with a man she barely sees or knows so you can go on holiday with your boyfriend.
No wonder she acts up.

Except op doesn't pass her from pillar to post, she has her the majority of the time and wants 1 holiday with her partner as a single birthday treat. She's not leaving her at home or dropping her at her dad's door every friday and swanning off on her jollies or for a piss up is she.

Original poster

Blades2 · 10/10/2024 12:27

HoppityBun · 09/10/2024 19:16

But I thought the issue was you wanting to spend your birthday with your DP? But actually you’re selflessly thinking of the GPs?

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My issue is, I swapped, as I was able to because no plans had been made, I have my daughter 99% of the time, and do nice things with her every month (concerts, days out to galleries, breaks away where I can afford) whilst her dad does not. So yes, I do feel I’m allowed a little birthday treat. And she is supposed to be with him for new year, or at the very least, his parents.

OP posts:

Original poster

Blades2 · 10/10/2024 12:28

TomatoSandwiches · 10/10/2024 09:26

Except op doesn't pass her from pillar to post, she has her the majority of the time and wants 1 holiday with her partner as a single birthday treat. She's not leaving her at home or dropping her at her dad's door every friday and swanning off on her jollies or for a piss up is she.

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Thank you! It’s definitely not an “every other weekend” situation here. It’s a “when I feel like it” situation 🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️

OP posts:

DontCallMeKidDontCallMeBaby · 10/10/2024 13:27

I don’t think you’re wrong at all for wanting a break away with your partner.

But I do understand why your daughter is upset. Her dad sounds pretty crap, and at 15 she’s old enough to notice that he’s crap. In her eyes she’s literally being forced to go and visit a person, who usually only wants to see her for a couple of hours a month. I wouldn’t want to spend my new year with someone who was showed that little interest in me either!

I’m not saying you shouldn’t go. But I’m not sure your daughter is the spoilt little madam some people are making her out to be. If this was a relationship with any other man, who only ever wanted to see her on his terms, we’d tell her to steer clear. But because it’s her dad, she has no choice, she has to put up with it because that’s what’s ‘fair’.

In a couple of years, this won’t even be an issue. She’ll be an adult and old enough to make own choices. Her dad will reap what he sewed, when she puts the same effort in with him as he has with her. And so will you, as she realises exactly what you sacrificed, while he was off being useless.

Go on your holiday, and enjoy it. But try not to be too hard on her. It’s awful when you get old enough and realise your parent (in this case your daughter’s dad) doesn’t love you the way they should.

thursdaymurderclub · 10/10/2024 15:07

DontCallMeKidDontCallMeBaby · 10/10/2024 13:27

I don’t think you’re wrong at all for wanting a break away with your partner.

But I do understand why your daughter is upset. Her dad sounds pretty crap, and at 15 she’s old enough to notice that he’s crap. In her eyes she’s literally being forced to go and visit a person, who usually only wants to see her for a couple of hours a month. I wouldn’t want to spend my new year with someone who was showed that little interest in me either!

I’m not saying you shouldn’t go. But I’m not sure your daughter is the spoilt little madam some people are making her out to be. If this was a relationship with any other man, who only ever wanted to see her on his terms, we’d tell her to steer clear. But because it’s her dad, she has no choice, she has to put up with it because that’s what’s ‘fair’.

In a couple of years, this won’t even be an issue. She’ll be an adult and old enough to make own choices. Her dad will reap what he sewed, when she puts the same effort in with him as he has with her. And so will you, as she realises exactly what you sacrificed, while he was off being useless.

Go on your holiday, and enjoy it. But try not to be too hard on her. It’s awful when you get old enough and realise your parent (in this case your daughter’s dad) doesn’t love you the way they should.

this is what i've been trying to say... all be it not very well