To want to spend my Bday with partner and not family

[Blades2]

Just a quick one as I’m being riddled with guilt from my youngest (15)

my birthday is on New Year’s Day, my kids dad wanted Christmas away this year so we agreed I’d have both our kids for Christmas and he would have them for new year.

my partner really wanted to take me away for my bday, just us, as this is the first birthday in 2 years we’ve been able to celebrate together properly but my 15 year old is not wanting me to go and is being quite difficult (we’ve had a lot of issues this year with her dad being a complete dick tbh and it’s rubbing off on her)

am I being unreasonable to do what makes me happy for once?

I'm guessing she isn't a fan of your new partner.

They are with their dad for new year so whether you are home or not what does DD think is the issue?

if ex is having them for new year.. whats the issue? can i assume your 15 year old is not over keen on your new partner? or is it that they dont want to go to their dads for new year?

She likes him And they get on very well together.
Her thing is “dad gets to go away, you get to go away, why don’t I” when I literally took her away in the summer for a week and am bringing her away in December for a long weekend treat 🤦‍♀️

To want to spend my Bday with partner and not family

Imagine your own child wanting to see you on your birthday and new years. You’re right, what a dick.

It's absolutely fine. There is room in your life for you to do things just for you and it's important for her to learn that she isn't at the centre of everything.

I didn’t say she was being a dick, I said her dad’s behaviour rubs off on her, dad gets to do as he pleases for Xmas and birthday, I can’t really help that I was born on new years day and her dad wants to see her then because he won’t see her on Christmas

The issue seems to be “dad gets to go France for Christmas, and now you’ll be away for new year, when do I get to go away”
I took her away just us two in summer and she I’ll be doing the same again in December with her

This. How nice that a teenager actually wants to see you and spend your birthday with you. But you don't want her around.

Sounds like she's just being a bit of a spoiled brat, and wanting another holiday because she sees you having one.

It's fine - she'll be with her dad, go and do what you want to do.

Nobody likes to miss out. But the fact is that's what life is like sometimes. You need to teach her, and this is prime age for that, that mums are people too and they don't just exist as support people for everyone else. She's been away once and she's going away again. This is for you and that's okay!

To the people making a big deal about not being with her DD at NY, DD's not going to be at OP's house all alone - She's at her dad's.

I'm confused at the comments. Her birthday has fell on time that she will be with HER DAD. Maintaining CONTACT. If she had said no to her EX and not allowing CONTACT over Christmas and new years. She would be called the worst mother ever. We would be getting YouR BirTHday SHOulDn't INterFEre wITh DaDs cONtaCt TiME.

People just tend to be quite stupid when it comes to this sort of thing and don't seem to be able to look at context and nuance.

The response I give to DD15 is " we do a lot of things as a family but like you have your own life, you do sleepovers, parties and holidays, adults also have their own lives too"

Your first mistake was telling her! She's 15 and will be with her dad so she no need to know really.
You do absolutely deserve time away and I'd be firm on that with her. It's not up for discussion

She sounds spoilt. My child of the same age was encouring me and her Dad to have A WEEK away without them this summer as she was saying Mum you always think of everyone else please go and have a lovely holiday. We had already taken them away, and they both also got individual holidays with other family members too. I wouldn't take being guilt tripped by a 15 year old.

So it's not about her wanting to be with you on your birthday, it's about her wanting a holiday 😂

I don't understand the scenario. Your post seems to suggest that, even if you don't go, you won't see your dd on your birthday in any case, because she will be at her dad's. But your title says that you want to spend your birthday with your partner and not family (by which I assume you mean dd, as you haven't mentioned anyone else.)

Is she saying that she wants to spend your birthday with you, or is she saying that she wants to dictate what you should and shouldn't do when she isn't there?

The child literally said wheres my holiday, not oh Mum I'd love to see you on your birthday. She is already being taken away in December. No wonder some kids are turning out the way they do.

Is it that she feels ‘forced’ to go to her dad’s when she doesn’t want to? My parents were divorced, and by 15 I didn’t have a strict schedule of when I saw each parent, I was involved in the decisions too.

I appreciate that isn’t possible if her dad is in France, but is it that she feels babied and pushed around?

Eh I'm not sure she's spoilt...just self-centred in the way many teenagers are. She'll grow out of it if OP and others don't pander to it too much - which is why OP needs to confidently assert that she will be having this time for her birthday.

Are you going somewhere she wants to go? If so offer the same trip to her in the summer

No, OP doesn't need to do that. It's ok for her to go somewhere and not make it up to her daughter.

(not actually arguing, if it sounds combative - just countering with my opinion)

Both parents going away without her within a couple of weeks of each other probably makes her feel a bit left out whether she's been away in the summer or not but she didn't need to know about you going away anyway.