Husband’s gym habit making me ill.

[RubyRedEye]

My husband has been getting up early to go to the gym. He likes that it’s empty and he hasn’t got to wait to use any of the machines.

The problem is that he is getting up at 4.30am.

He tries to be really quiet, but inevitably he is waking me up.

I really struggle to go back to sleep and I’m working full time as a teacher. I’m exhausted. I am also getting dreadful headaches throughout the day, because I’m so tired. I can barely concentrate.

His solution is that he sleeps in the living room. So that’s it? No more sleeping in the same bed. That’s really not what I wanted from a marriage. The idea makes me feel really sad and disconnected from him.

I asked him to go at a different time, but he also goes to the gym from 8-10pm every day, so unless he goes 6-10pm, there’s no other option. He works full time too.

I feel upset that there’s no compromise. He’s all about his health, his fitness, his wellbeing. Whilst mine is going down the pan. He might be able to function on 5 hours sleep a night, but I can’t.

Who is being unreasonable.

It can my physiotherapist emphasized this.

My husband goes to the gym really early. You do get used to it and manage to ignore the noise eventually.

It drove me mad in the beginning too.

Op... 👀

Come on now. I know you're tired, but wakey wakey.

This is good op, glad to see you've talked it through, sometimes that's all that's needed in the end. And I also feel the same about sleeping away from my husband, he works away which neither of us like but if he was sleeping in a different room in our house I know I would sleep terribly and would absolutely hate it so I completely get where you were coming from with that point.

Op reading your update I think he is really struggling with an empty nest. Probably more than he expected to. He seems to be trying to escape the quiet house, rather than you and is finding the gym a good way to alleviate it ( it could be much worse it could be wine or comfort food)
You were right to talk it through properly as being so exhausted is really unfair on you every day. No doubt you are struggling as well with the change. Your days sound long enough without a two hour gym visit hit maybe in the holidays for the odd day?

Sometimes we are also aware of our mortality and maybe there is an element of staying strong and healthy that feels important to him

The four hours a day though? Tips it into unreasonable for me.

4 hours in the gym is ridiculous.

Sounds like it’s all moving in right direction, and brilliant he’s easing off on gym but I think he’d really benefit from dome professional guidance as working same muscles repeatedly isn’t good, rest is needed and frankly he’d get better results faster if he trained more effectively. He should book a session with a PT and devise a training plan, he could then have sessions periodically to review his plan as he progresses. Similarly food wise, I’m skeptical if high protein low carb is best way to go. I’d suggest checking out Keto diet and considering a nutritionist

Thanks all.

He’s reluctant to see a PT, but I’m working on it. I agree it would be a great idea.

Your health aside.

Either he’s not at the gym, or he’s not well either.

Having caught up, essentially he would benefit from a long term healthy lifestyle and this is something you could both get involved in. Why don't you both take part in a PT session? His training sessions sound inefficient as well - no workout done well should be 2 hours. A PT would help him understand this.

This boom bust cycle with food is not healthy or a long term viable plan so maybe look at the bigger picture. I do understand where he is coming from re busy gyms - men can get as self conscious as women which is worth bearing in mind.

We got up together at 6.30 and had a nice cup of coffee. He did some planking in the living room, I timed him. Now we’re getting ready to leave.

I feel so good today.

Perhaps he’d be up for a joint PT session, if I told him it was more for me. Not sure. He’s just left the house for work, so I’ll have to ask him later.

Can't commment on the gym sitation but DH and I have seperate rooms. Due to me working nights and us both having different body tempartures. It's made our marriage stronger as we've both getting a good nigths sleep and I'm loving my space.

I think you have to understand that communication has been really hard and strained. Because I’ve been so tired.

We talked for well over an hour yesterday, perhaps two, and at times it was quite - not ‘explosive’ but definitely high emotion.
I had been avoiding that in my tiredness.

He was doing what I knew he might do, not giving an inch, and I became extremely upset, extremely upset. And I mentioned other women and I mentioned divorce. I’ve never done that before ever. In fact we rarely argue.

He was shocked. And then he went quiet for a bit. I went upset and was just crying. Then he came to talk. He explained everything. Addressed my concerns and told me that he’d change and compromise.

It’s not an argument I enjoyed. It took over an evening. It was more than communicating. No one wants to instigate this ever if they can help it.

what I’m saying is ‘just communicate’ is sort of over simplifying it. But I get what you’re saying.

Dairy farmers wife here, and DH has always got up at 4am. I'm used to it, so not disturbed. DH always gets dressed and does toilet / teeth downstairs. All he does upstairs is walk out the room. He sets an alarm but I rarely hear it. He usually wakes before alarm and turns it off. It's a just in case alarm.

Op, you’ve taken a slating and I see it’s a good outcome. Can I suggest that you set two nights a week where he sleeps on the couch (with a waterproof layer and a bottom sheet!! Just sleeping on the sofa is disgusting!) , you get a full nights sleep and he can get up earlier? That seems a really good compromise.
fwiw if my adult children weren’t using their rooms I’d say dad is sleeping in your room a couple of nights a week so he doesn’t wake me when he gets up at ridiculous o clock so let us know if you’re going to be here so we can change the sheets. And this is telling not asking, adult children need to expect changes.

Maybe but surely not 'normal' (or a healthy perception) when you're suggesting sleeping separately from your partner every night to fulfil this?! Working full time, 4 hours gym, sleeping separately.......surely a slippery slope to marriage collapse.

I think your husband will be doing his body more harm than good I’m afraid! He needs nourishment if doing so much exercise, he will be putting so much stress on his body which will cause symptoms such as inflammation, gut issues, the list is endless. If he’s going to work out that much, his muscles, cells & bones need the proper nourishment from food, not just supplements. There’s no point taking supplements if you’re not doing everything else right (I’m a Health Coach)

Both of you are pretty weird. I mean, going to the gym twice a day is extreme. And why the hell doesn't he make his own protein-rich meals?

But crying about getting woken up when you could just address your sleep anxiety is pretty pathetic. Tragic, actually.

So good to read the update, OP!
I understand about the communication. My DH is a bit like this. His immediate reaction is that of course his way is right, he seems to find it hard to see alternatives. He can also be extremely shocked that something which he isn't bothered by, could be bothering me. I do have to explain to him, and I know that every so often it will be tough, because he won't want to give up his view. Has to be done though, if it's something that matters to me.
A joint pt session sounds like a great idea for you two, this could become a shared activity, and you'd get to make sure he isn't overdoing it!
He also needs to find ways of treating his sciatica. There are exercises and stretches that really help, and prescribed painkillers when it's really bad. What's your mattress like?

OP this is clearly disordered behaviour and the replies piling onto him are awful. Men can also suffer from body image issues and eating disorders. I’m sorry but you need to help him.

Thats great that you've had a chat OP and communicated your feelings.

I'm a qualified personal trainer and he really doesnt need to do 4 hours in the gym every day in order to get in shape or lose weight. 2 hours is enough and I do think going twice a day is slightly obsessive. Thats more for people who are wanting to be body builders etc

Rest is actually very important if you're trying to build muscle and over training inhibits muscle growth so if he's going every single day, twice a day, and his progress is stalling that could in fact be why.