To have said this…

[AuroraDora]

Would really appreciate objective views on this to save to save my sanity.

Didn’t notice the time. Suggested to DS that we do something together as I’d been at work and not seen him properly for a couple of days. DH pointed out to me in a different room that it was X time and so nearly bedtime. So I went into DS and said ‘dad let me know that it’s x o’clock so we don’t have much time, we can just do x instead’.

DS got cross with DH for ruining the fun. I explained he’d just pointed out the time and I hadn’t realised. I calmed it all down. It was a flash in the pan.

DH is now very very annoyed at me for ‘throwing him under the bus.’

To be clear I was just stating fact. Not blaming DH in anyway. All said lightly.

Of course this is one small thing in a more complex set of circumstances, but in of itself would you expect an angry response from your DH if you did that? It’s not a pattern of mine.

Thank you

Sorry. Didn’t realise there was a poll. So;

YABU. You shouldn’t have said that DH had told you the time.

YANBU. Your DH is overreacting.

It probably would annoy me, yes. Why say "dad said", why not say "oops, I've just realised the time" or "oh goodness, it's x o clock already! I though we had more time."

I wouldn't have phrased it that way as it could definitely be taken as Dads fault DS didn't get to do the thing. I would have said "oh I've just realised the time we will have to do x another time but we can do y now"

Very odd of you to point out your dh said that. Many times I've reminded dh that it's late and ds needs to go to bed, and he's never said 'mum said'. Surely you looked at the time and decided as well that it's bedtime?

YANBU to say something without thinking, your husband INBU to be annoyed at looking like a bad guy because of that thoughtlessness. Not a big deal.

It all sounds so innocuous.

I could easily imagine saying "Sorry DD, daddy just pointed out that it's nearly bedtime, let's do it tomorrow instead" with no aim or blame at DH, and he wouldn't be peeved - it's just general conversation, no "throwing under the bus" just he noticed something that I hadn't noticed.

Hmm not sure.
Dd is much younger at 6, but there’s been times I’m upstairs getting her bedtime things ready and she’ll start some game with Dh and I’ll say it’s too late as bedtime in a minute and she’ll get annoyed and he’ll sometimes either say ‘Mummy says it’s too late’ or ‘It’s your bedtime now/I didn’t realise it was so late’ etc…I don’t take it as throwing me under the bus, I’m not controlling or the mean guy, but if I don’t intervene sometines, they’d be playing another hour

I didn’t think it through but looking back I would assume DS heard as it was in another room but the door was open - plus to say ‘oh I’ve realised the time is a lie’ I was oblivious.

That’s my take too. I doubt I’d be annoyed if the boot were on the other foot.

Yes I’d be annoyed if I was your husband- you must act united Infront of children. But I come from the viewpoint of the child, my mum always played the card of , she was the fun parent and it was my dad stopping us doing many things, when infact years later I just realised my mum just liked bitching about my dad, literally seems to be her favourite past time and as a kid being niave to that it coloured my view of my dad unfortunately. Certain conversations should stay private, they have long term impacts on children if not

I don't think it was the best phrasing and I think your DH is entitled to be slightly annoyed. Very, very annoyed is an overreaction.

It's interest that you say it's not a pattern of your though. I wonder if DH would agree with that or whether he feels this is part of a wider problem.

you didn’t do it purposely I’m sure but effectively you promised something you shouldn’t have then instead of taking the responsibility and being the target for the disappointment you shifted that on to him.
it would have been just as easy to say sorry son I hadn’t realised how late it was and it’s nearly bed time I shouldn’t have said we could do x but we can do this instead and we can do that tomorrow (or whatever day works) together.

I’d probably be a bit irritated. In fairness you promised to do something with ds, didn’t keep an eye in the time and then however unintentionally suggested that the only reason it wasn’t happening is because dad pointed out the time. You didn’t really take any ownership for your DS’s disappointment. You seem a bit “oh well I was oblivious about the time and I was just stating facts, not my fault”

I can see that and if I’d been blaming DH I could understand but I was just being factual. ‘Dad let me know the time, I didn’t realise, sorry, but we can do X’ kind of thing. It didn’t occur to me to fake noticing the time myself. But it’s helpful to see it from his point of view.

It does sound pretty dramatic over something minor to be fair, but I can see why your husband would be a bit annoyed because it kind of does seem like shifting the disappointment (your son was annoyed at him) from yourself (you hadn't checked the time) over to Dad.
"sorry we can't ---- because it's already nearly bedtime" is different to "sorry we can't because Dad said it's bedtime" I can see how a child interprets that as you were willing to but then Dad said no, and then he's got mad at Dad whereas if you'd checked the time first you wouldn't have disappointed your son at all.

It was more that I was explaining how I’d realised the time to be honest. DH wasn’t saying there was no time for the activity just saying what the time was so it was my call to curtail it. Not his. He just provided a fact. That’s how I saw it. I saw me as the ‘bad cop’ for not realising the time and then curtailing the fun. But this is what I needed. A different view. Thanks.

You seem quite rigid in your thinking about how you came to know what the time was and how this should be expressed as in “I told the truth/I was factual/ I cannot tell a lie” I can see that being tiresome to live with if it’s a reoccurring theme to be honest.

Yeah. Should have checked the time. DH had done tea an hour late so my timings were all out.

I didn’t phrase it that dad said we can’t. Just mentioned it was dad that told me the time which is why I’d realised. I made the call to curtail the activity and put DS right in that as soon as he got cross with DH. I put it right straight away.

No that’s not me. Just didn’t think to lie in the moment. Just didn’t even clock it would be a thing. I made the call to change plans. Not DH. And I put DS right as soon as he reacted.

Yes but even factual you are still unintentionally causing the situation where he looks like the bad guy. You need to be wise to this. And I should think your husband would think you are intelligent enough to realise this is what a kid would think

Surely the more important question is what exactly is this complex set of circumstances to which you refer? Posts on Mumsnet are rarely about the thing the poster decides to open with.

Why do you keep calling it a lie when people are just saying you could word it differently?? Saying ‘oh sorry DS, I didn’t realise the time’ is not a lie?? It’s just a fairer way of phrasing it, you don’t have to mention DH at all.

You also then blame your DH for making dinner an hour later than usual for loosing track of time! It’s no wonder he’s frustrated with you.

Another day, another thread. Not up for sharing loads of detail tonight. Just needed an objective view. Helpful because I can see that most people think DH is right to be annoyed and I did throw him under the bus.

But it wouldn't be a lie to say you had just realised the time as you had just realised the time. The fact it was your DHs comment that caused you to realise the time rather than you looking at a clock is irrelevant.

Now you bring in that DH was late making dinner.
Just own up full stop.

As you said, other stuff is for a different thread, so based on this post, YABU.