To have said this…

[AuroraDora]

Would really appreciate objective views on this to save to save my sanity.

Didn’t notice the time. Suggested to DS that we do something together as I’d been at work and not seen him properly for a couple of days. DH pointed out to me in a different room that it was X time and so nearly bedtime. So I went into DS and said ‘dad let me know that it’s x o’clock so we don’t have much time, we can just do x instead’.

DS got cross with DH for ruining the fun. I explained he’d just pointed out the time and I hadn’t realised. I calmed it all down. It was a flash in the pan.

DH is now very very annoyed at me for ‘throwing him under the bus.’

To be clear I was just stating fact. Not blaming DH in anyway. All said lightly.

Of course this is one small thing in a more complex set of circumstances, but in of itself would you expect an angry response from your DH if you did that? It’s not a pattern of mine.

Thank you

To realise something is to become aware. Your DH made you aware of the time and you realised you wouldn’t be able to do the thing you promised therefore it would not have been a lie to say “DS I’ve just realised we don’t have time for XYZ as it’s nearly bedtime”

Yeah I could have phrased it like that I guess. I just wasn’t thinking. I just said what happened. DH let me know what time it was, I chose to change the activity, I just told DS that. Didn’t think it would be much of an issue as he’s not a young child. If he was 5 and we had planned a fun game I’d have been a bit more careful but he’s 12 and it wasn’t a mega fun activity.

To say ‘oh I just realised’ would feel incongruous I think plus DS likely heard us anyway and probably would have still got cross with DH.

Shouldn't really have been a big deal if you normally both feel you're on the same team. But it doesn't seem as if you do at the moment. So, as well as pointing out to DS that it wasn't daddy's fault, maybe a wee sorry to DH that he initially got blamed would take the heat out?

semantics. You get what I mean. I could have phrased it differently but wasn’t thinking it would be an issue.

Not really semantics when you’re the one doggedly holding onto the idea that saying anything else would have been a lie. When it’s your opinion it’s factual but when it’s others it’s just semantics. Yeah no idea why your husband is irritated 🤷‍♀️

I have said I can see it from his point of view now. I’ve thanked posters for sharing a different view to my own. How is that doggedly holding on to my view? Read all of what I’ve written.

I think it’s the rather over-dramatic use of the phrase ‘thrown me under the bus’, used in such a trivial context, that might the problem for you, OP?

It’s all very David Brent. ‘I’ve been thrown under the bus over the Tuesday lunchtime sandwich order and heads are going to roll over this, mark my words. I pre-warn you all now.’

You say you've taken it on board but you don't actually seem to have done so, continuing to try and argue that "well it's the same really" and that your DS might have overheard anyway (he probably didn't and your DH mentioned in a different room so as not to cause exactly what you caused, a situation of divided parenting!)

Also. Don't mention other problems are going on if you're not going to actually talk about them

I think most of the responses are nuts! If you had said let's do something immediately followed by it is too late it would sound stupid. What is wrong in saying what you said? It was just a comment. Does everyone on here REALLY police their conversations in this way? Their minds must be in continuous torment trying to work out what they are allowed and not allowed to say. Your OH was clearly wrong in this situation, and the other respondents on here who believe you should have said it differently have too much time on their hands or have partners who are just looking to be offended a every turn and are conditioned never to upset them. Nothing to do with telling a lie - just completely over the top complications.

Your DH is overreacting - this really is something and nothing. Your DS was briefly annoyed, you calmed him down - why on earth does your DH care about this?

You do need to be aware of how easy it is to play good cop bad cop, and how unfair that is to the parent who is painted bad cop, and to the child. Dh has done this to me many times (always denies it till he's blue in the face though!) his excuse is always similar to yours "didn't think I was doing that /didn't mean to".

I can see his point- he wasn't saying you couldn't do whatever you'd planned, but that the time may mean that the plan may not be feasible- you then basically said that you couldn't because dad pointed out the time- whilst you didn't mean it to sound like it was your husbands fault/ decision, that's basically how it came off.

My husband has done this to me and it is really annoying. As a one off no problem, but if it happens several times it absolutely forces one parent into the killjoy role, who is always spoiling the activities of the ‘fun’ parent and child.

You should have just taken responsivity for it and said you hadn't realised the time and you could do it tomorrow, or decide a late night was acceptable. Instead you made your husband the bad guy, I'd be annoyed too if I was him.

I can't help wondering if you do this type of thing a lot - come up with ideas, announce them but never put any thought into the most basic of logistics (do we have enough time).
In which case I could see why your DH was furious that you threw him in the way when it was your fault. You should have apologised for your error but the blame went on your DH. I know you say you realise this now but it doesn't feel like you're taking it seriously

It’s usually him that does it tbh. It was a genuine error on my part. I can see how it could be experienced. As soon as I realised I sorted it out and had DH raised it in a less aggressive way I’d have apologised. But I also think he could have let it go, as I often let his irritating behaviours go (of which there are many) because I understand it’s not deliberate twattery.

Does he often use over-dramatic language, @AuroraDora over fairly minor matters, OP?

You still apologise for your part, despite his reaction.

I agree with most others that you phrased it in a way which blamed your DH for the activity not taking place (regardless of of that what your intention or not). The idea of saying you 'just realised the time' is a lie, is confusing. DH told you the time. This made you realise what the time was. Therefore it's just as factually accurate as 'DH told me the time'.

Interestingly, I noticed that you've framed it as your DH's fault for you not realising the time in the first place. He made dinner an hour later, therefore it's his fault you didn't realise the time and the activity couldn't be done.

If you're honest with yourself is this something you do frequently? Frame things as DH's 'fault', whether you intend to or not?

If so, this would wind me up as well. If I was constantly being blamed for things and then when I objected to this, I was told I was overreacting and you didn't mean it that way and you play the victim, I would be quite upset.

Yeah. That is a whole other thread. He’s actually verbally abusive and I’ve put a boundary around it in counselling that if it doesn’t change then I’m leaving him.

I just wanted a sense of if this particular thing was a reasonable gripe on his part because it’s easy for me now to have a lens of ‘he is a verbally abusive narcissist so he must be in the wrong’. My previous lens used to be ‘it must all be me’. I’m trying to find the wise balanced lens that is neither of those extremes.

I’m not perfect so I like to check sometimes to see if I’m contributing to an unhealthy dynamic and it’s been helpful to see that, although things were all light and happy at the time, and I didn’t think about how to phrase it, it just came out, that I could have done better.

I am trying to gage what I need to work on genuinely and what is DARVO behaviour or projection that I need to boundary against.

In this case it was my unintentional (possibly subconsciously motivated) behaviour it seems, so I can work on that.

Yes. And I will. If he stops with the blaming and ranting. He never apologises and I used to always apologise. So I am much more circumspect with my apologies these days as I often feeds in to his unhelpful narrative that he’s wonderful and I am awful. I’m in the process of figuring out some complex issues and dynamics.

i personally wouldn't have pointed out that DH had said it was close to bedtime, so he is right, you did throw him under the bus! you made sure your DS knew that DH was the bad guy and not you!!

there's clearly a massive back story and what you did is the very beginnings of parent alienation!!

Great questions. It’s actually the other way round to be honest. It’s usually him blaming me for all that is wrong in his life. He gets verbally abusive often. That’s why I wanted feedback on this without that context so I could genuinely challenge myself to address my own dynamics. I clearly did phrase it unhelpfully but not intentionally- it was a split second thing trying to think on my feet and I got it wrong. All was happy and calm at the time so I was just being relaxed on not treading the usual eggshells.

There's some right shit being talked on here.

You did naff all wrong.

All this support for the childish notion of H being "thrown under the bus". That's an OTT description for something so minor.

It was just loose talk. You were at home, not a spy on an a mission in unfriendly territory.

You were just talking away without thinking too hard about your choice of words. Most folks talk more casually at home with close family. If you have to think about every single word or phrase to scan it for potential to attract ranting, raving and verbal abuse from your partner, that's called walking on eggshells. You only have to be this careful in abusive relationships. Loving relationships don't require you to try that hard to get your words right. A loving partner understands that relaxed speech sometimes doesn't come out quite as intended.

Your husband is actively looking for "wrongs" he can pull you up on. He is a nasty fucker.

Let's go back to the start.
You said to kid, "let's do something". H hears and shouts the time at you from another room. In this, he WAS telling you no. Not the child, YOU, that you're in the wrong. Why else would he tell you the time at all, instead of assuming a grown woman can decide if she lets her own kid stay up a bit longer because she wants to do something with him. I'm willing to bet if H was doing something with the kid shortly before bedtime, you'd be expected to keep your mouth closed fr the same reason.

It was always going to turn into an argument. If you had said something different, he would have just waited till you came back downstairs and started ranting and raving about you telling DS you'd do something together without looking at the clock first. Good chance, followed by how you always make him look bad in front of his son because the boy heard him telling you the time as you are a stupid b/*@h who can't look at the fucking time before you open your stupid gob (or some other similar invented bullshit). That's how it goes. He likes to get his ya-yas out by having a pop at you. It's very clearly who he is.

You can never win with people like him. They will always, and I do mean ALWAYS, twist every word and action to make you the transgressor. Cut off one path of attack and they'll swiftly find another.

“Loving relationships don't require you to try that hard to get your words right. A loving partner understands that relaxed speech sometimes doesn't come out quite as intended.“

That made me cry. Thank you for getting it. ❤️