To have said this…

[AuroraDora]

Would really appreciate objective views on this to save to save my sanity.

Didn’t notice the time. Suggested to DS that we do something together as I’d been at work and not seen him properly for a couple of days. DH pointed out to me in a different room that it was X time and so nearly bedtime. So I went into DS and said ‘dad let me know that it’s x o’clock so we don’t have much time, we can just do x instead’.

DS got cross with DH for ruining the fun. I explained he’d just pointed out the time and I hadn’t realised. I calmed it all down. It was a flash in the pan.

DH is now very very annoyed at me for ‘throwing him under the bus.’

To be clear I was just stating fact. Not blaming DH in anyway. All said lightly.

Of course this is one small thing in a more complex set of circumstances, but in of itself would you expect an angry response from your DH if you did that? It’s not a pattern of mine.

Thank you

If you ask for an opinion and say you won't include other info, you can't then change it when the answers don't go your way.
You said you wanted feedback without the background context and you had it.

People said it was a reasonable gripe.

Dv is wrong and if you wanted help with the bigger picture, you'd have gotten different replies.

Good that you're working on yourself too and hope the counselling works on your DH.

I'd say you are being unreasonable for challenging every response that thought your husband had a point. If you are asking for opinions that's what you'll get. If you dint want ones that may not be to your liking then it's pointless asking for them.

Continually saying the words fact and lie just all seems a bit pedantic.

Judgy much?

Show me where I’m challenging. I’m actually reflecting and thinking. Which is what I set out to do. And it’s given me different perspectives which is helpful. Thanks for the feedback though thread police. Noted.

Post on Relationships, @AuroraDora, not AIBU.

Defensive much?

It's almost like you now decided you WOULD add all this DV backstory because you know that would get a different response. Like the poster who has decided from... nothing that he "screamed it from another room" now

It was an AIBU? What’s going on with the critique of threads at the moment? I see it everywhere. It’s a public forum. If you don’t like what I’ve posted then move on.

I posted here to challenge myself to see if my behaviour was U and it’s helped to see things from different angles and reflect on why I said what I said and what I think about it.

Actually, what has happened is I got what I needed (feedback, without any context on my behaviour) and I have been a ke to work out my part and his part in the dynamic without getting pulled into polarised positions. I’m sorry if my thread hasn’t lived up to your standards.

If you ‘read all’ you’ll see I’ve looked at things from different angles and reflected on my own behaviour.

Good then.

He's over reacting....this situation happens in our house alot, I'm usually the one that acknowledges the time to my husband and he will say "Mums just said"......doesn't bother me as I just have said 🤷🏼‍♀️

I'm pretty sure Autumncrow was trying to be helpful. You seem quite reactive having read this full thread.

I’m sorry your partner is abusive.

Couple’s counselling isn’t recommended if there is abuse, or hopefully you meant that you are doing counselling alone.

You say you used to see your partner’s behaviour as affected by you doing things, and your AIBU seems similar - still questioning yourself and asking MN without the context.

The problem is your partner’s abuse, which is really bad for you and DS.

Replying based on the original op I would have said it how you said it because that's what happened? You didn't throw him under the bus. You just responded to the situation.

If your ds is 12 being an hour late to bed as a one off wouldn’t really matter surely.
I would have probably done the activity anyway.

Oh. Oops. Sorry. I was feeling a bit got at so must have misinterpreted. Im living with a lot of criticism so easy for that button to get pressed.

Thank you to everyone for posting.

It’s been helpful for me to post even though it’s irritated some that I didn’t include the context at first.

I am trying not to get polarised into positions of either ‘I am no good’ or ‘He is an abuser’ so it’s really helpful to hear that this is a grey area. Some would find it annoying and some wouldn’t.

So without opening myself up to further verbal abuse from DH by saying sorry (he would raise it again and again as evidence), I can acknowledge his request not to do it and adjust my behaviour because that’s a good thing to do, not for fear of reprisals. If that makes sense?

I will be more careful with my language for me and DC, not for fear of verbal abuse. I am choosing to be more careful, not being organised by fear of criticism.

I’ll leave it there and thanks so much to everyone who posted. It really helps to have the odd random people survey to check my own thoughts and reactions. Helps me to keep sane and rational.

I think this seems a bit dramatic. I sense that he feels you use him as an excuse more frequently and reacting rather to a single incident. Is he feeling (rightly or wrongly) that he is the bad guy and you're the fun one? Or something like he's the discipline and your the nurturer? Is it that he's loosing closeness with the children and feeling "bothered".
If my son was upset by something I'd said, I'd have added, it's not Daddy stopping it, it's me, it's my decisions. If you want to be cross with someone you should be cross with me after the unintentional clumsy wording. But that's me :)

Tbh it was an accident and I'd not give it much more thought unless the other stuff you don't want to get in to, the context means it does mean something more..

Sorry you've had some pretty ott reactions on this OP. I understand what you are trying to do. Personally I wouldn't have been as reactive to what you said as some of the people on here. Maybe if you had said 'DH says we can't do this because of the time' it would have been unfair but to say 'DH has told me the time so I think we don't have time to do this' is just factual and I don't think I would have given it much thought, especially as when your child jumped to blaming DH for noticing you clarified to him that it was your choice not his. It seems like a tiny - almost non event - that has been blown up by him to give reason to tell you what a bad person you are. I guess as shown on this thread being thought of as 'the fun police' is seriously triggering for some people
Maybe more of an issue is (I'm guessing here though) you felt once DH had told you the time you were not 'allowed' to do the activity for fear of upsetting him and that came across unconsciously in your speech? Like I say, maybe projecting as I've lived with a controlling emotionally abusive partner myself and in that situation I would have been happy myself to stretch out bedtime to spend a tiny bit of time with my kid who I missed but I would have jumped to say no once I realised I would have been getting disapproval and anger from my DH for doing so. If that is the case then maybe think about the levels of control in the relationship. As a parent you get to make little choices like this on your own too and shouldn't be scared of the consequences. Like I say tho, slightly projecting so might be wrong. Either way I hope all had calmed down now and don't be too hard on yourself, everyone is clumsy with their phasing sometimes and at least you've tried to think of the other side in this.

Honestly I would think it's not that deep you said what you said he used it as a stick to beat you with like he was looking for an excuse? But I came out of an abusive relationship

For example

Ex argued with me I was very passive accommodating and soothing he got frustrated because he couldn't find the thread to pick at to cause a "big argument" he then pulled ds out of my arms ripping off my fingernails one of which slightly cut his arm he then used that as an excuse to threaten me with the police and accused me of assaulting him

Escalation over nothing for no reason

I suppose the way you said it was interpreted by DS that it was DH’s fault that it was nearly bedtime.
Don’t know how old DS is, but if very young, this would have been a good teaching moment: Dad doesn’t control the time, so it’s not his fault!
DH also needs to grow up - if you’re just truthfully stating verbatim what he said, it’s a bit much to conflate this to you “throwing him under the bus”!

If you are genuinely open to challenging your viewpoint, you say in one post that you didn't notice the time because dh was an hour late cooking tea which sounds like a bit of a blame culture excuse thing to me about why it was still his fault because you did notice enough to notice he was late.

These things are often complicated - I'm not pointing blame at you or piling on or having a dig- but perhaps something to think about and whether these issues are coming up because it just isn't working.

@AuroraDora I don’t see the problem.

Im always the one pointing out the time and generally being the ‘bad guy’ because DW is all about the fun and very scatter brained…

I don’t care (someone has to be organised!), and it doesn’t affect my relationship with my DS in the least and we have loads of fun.

Your son couldn’t do the activity because of the time, not because of who noticed the time- your DH is being daft.

That was just advice

You'll still get different perspectives on Relationships.

They're just generally phrased in a kinder way.