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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To say my BIL is not the boss of me?

95 replies

Tabbytab · 07/10/2024 20:09

My sister's DH is the head of their family, very traditional 1950s type marriage with DC. She treats him like he is her boss or father and he makes all the decisions. I am single no DC. When we are all together he is in charge, for example if we go to a restaurant he chooses where and when, then marches up to the table and tells everybody where to sit. This maybe made sense when their DC was small but they are older now and it's every situation even without the DC present. When I tried to push back and ask BIL not to dictate to me my sister became hysterically upset. AIBU?

Yabu - they are the family and you are only one person so if your sis wants him to be the boss he's the boss.
Yanbu - just avoid being with them all together as much as possible and see sister and DN alone
Or...?

OP posts:
DoYouReally · 07/10/2024 20:16

Was she upset or afraid?

JohnSt1 · 07/10/2024 20:16

You're an adult. He's not in charge.

EnjoyingTheSilence · 07/10/2024 20:17

@DoYouReally was thinking the same

99RedBallonz · 07/10/2024 20:17

He tells you where to sit when you go out to eat? How does it he phrase this exactly? I've never heard of this before!

bergamotorange · 07/10/2024 20:19

I agree she sounds afraid?

Do you know for sure she's safe?

But of course he's not your boss. However you may allow him to choose where you sit just to enable you to see your sister, it doesn't mean you accept his views.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 07/10/2024 20:20

I agree it sounds like she was afraid rather than upset.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 07/10/2024 20:21

But no I wouldn’t want to spend any time whatsoever with him. I’d just see my sister on her own.

Roundthemoon · 07/10/2024 20:22

When you asked him not to dictate to you, what did he say?

DreamW3aver · 07/10/2024 20:23

I'm not really sure why you need to ask? Obviously you simply have no contact with him but at the same time try and find a way to get your sister away from him

Does anyone in their lives thi k this is normal?

Roundthemoon · 07/10/2024 20:24

I sadly know so many couples like this.

The man thinks he is the head of the household and makes a lot of the decisions.

HappierTimesAhead · 07/10/2024 20:25

So he is a bully. Is your sister okay?

MrTiddlesTheCat · 07/10/2024 20:25

YANBU

I would resist this sort of twattishness with every fibre of my being.

MargaretThursday · 07/10/2024 20:26

Are you being invited to join in their family or is it a general family get together?

I think that makes a difference

ThePoshUns · 07/10/2024 20:26

Absolutely you should stand up to the twat.

FrostFlowers2025 · 07/10/2024 20:27

It's a pity there is no middle ground option in these polls.

I suggest ignoring his "instructions" and just pick a seat yourself. I wouldn't even bother arguing with him. Simply ignore and make your own decisions.

Commonsenseisnotsocommon · 07/10/2024 20:30

Sod that. Next time he tries it just stand your ground "no thanks, I'll be sitting here instead" don't let him boss you around.

BarbaraHoward · 07/10/2024 20:33

Laugh at him. They hate being laughed at. Bright and cheery "haha, I'm fine here" with a strong "stop being silly" undertone.

But only if you are confident your sister won't pay.

Anywherebuthere · 07/10/2024 20:33

Incorrectly voted YABU.

If your sister is happy with the dynamics leave her and her DH to it.

But you are correct, he has no right to be like that with you so keep pushing back if he tries with you. You could stay away from situations where he is.

In a restaurant, if his family is happy to sit where he says and you dont want to, there isn't much you can do about it except sit alone where you want or just not go out with them.

Roundthemoon · 07/10/2024 20:33

There's so many men like this!!!

I an think of one very recent example. I went to a boards game meetup yesterday.

There were two men and two women total at my table.

One of the men kept telling the women what to do.

He would take his turn.

Then it was the womans turn. The man would say tpo her"now it's your turn".

The woman would think for a second and the man would say again "its your turn, so you got a five, so you can either move here and do this, or move there and do this, what are you going to do".

And she said "will you let me think for a minute!"

He did it every time. Then he started telling her what move she should make. Then when she did make a move , he said 'why did you do that, you should have moved here'

Then we played a different game where we were two teams.

He was with a woman in one team. And I was with a different man in a different team.

I said at one stage "OK so my team have got ten of these pieces

The first man said "what to you mean 'my team', sure you did nothing, john did everything".

He was so rude. What is it with some men these days. They just take over

TeamPlaying · 07/10/2024 20:34

DoYouReally · 07/10/2024 20:16

Was she upset or afraid?

This was my first thought too.

Does he actually overrule you if you push back? I can imagine him saying “sit here, here” to everyone out of habit. How he reacts when you say no is really the deciding factor. Does he try it with more consequential things with you?

BirthdayRainbow · 07/10/2024 20:35

Who the hell voted YABU?!

FloofPaws · 07/10/2024 20:36

I'd be checking with my sister he sounds like a bully, or worse

Caroparo52 · 07/10/2024 20:36

Ignore him.
You are 100% your own boss. Keep checking in on your DS though. He sounds autocratic and outdated.

Roundthemoon · 07/10/2024 20:36

BirthdayRainbow · 07/10/2024 20:35

Who the hell voted YABU?!

It's easy to tap on it by accident on a phone. They're right beside each other

BirthdayRainbow · 07/10/2024 20:39

Roundthemoon · 07/10/2024 20:36

It's easy to tap on it by accident on a phone. They're right beside each other

Then change it to the one you want.

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