To say my BIL is not the boss of me?

[Tabbytab]

My sister's DH is the head of their family, very traditional 1950s type marriage with DC. She treats him like he is her boss or father and he makes all the decisions. I am single no DC. When we are all together he is in charge, for example if we go to a restaurant he chooses where and when, then marches up to the table and tells everybody where to sit. This maybe made sense when their DC was small but they are older now and it's every situation even without the DC present. When I tried to push back and ask BIL not to dictate to me my sister became hysterically upset. AIBU?

Yabu - they are the family and you are only one person so if your sis wants him to be the boss he's the boss.
Yanbu - just avoid being with them all together as much as possible and see sister and DN alone
Or...?

I have a BIL who is like this and avoid him like the plague. He dictates where everyone sits in restaurants (and even tries to do this in our house), orders for people, is rude to wait staff and makes the whole event about him. I hope they spit in his food!

However he's recently got together with wife #3 who has been caring for him through some bad health, but she takes no shit from him and so we are seeing a small glimmer of a more humbled man. She has the measure of him for sure!

I don't feel like I can probe about her relationship as she is so defensive of him.

Exactly what I was thinking, sounds like she got upset because there would be repercussions for her when she's alone with him.

Id be concerned BIL was more than just a bit dominant in a head of the house old fashioned way to sister and think he's probably controlling and abusive behind closed doors. It sounds like she could react like that if she knew she was going to get stick for it afterwards as he had to be in control. Having been in this position myself its not always obvious when the line is more extreme at home and it's a form of abuse. Id be trying to go out without BIL and express my concern for sister.

I’d be making sure I see my sister on her own, without bil being there.

to me it sounds like she is scared of him and you going against what he says causes trouble for her when they get home.

personally I wouldnt be told where to sit or what to do off of anyone. But I’d still want to see my sister so I’d see her alone.

He'll certainly have had a monstrous sulk, which erodes you over the years.

Just say to him either

No thanks, I prefer to sit with my back to the room so I don’t get distracted by other people eating.

or

No thanks, I ‘ll sit here, I hate having my back to the room, must be my Mavis genes.

depending on his seating plan.

No need to probe, just say you are there for her if she ever needs you. Then change the subject.

If your sis has hysterics when he's defied, then there's a massive problem with their relationship (well, there is anyway) but this makes her sound scared of the consequences of your behaviour. You need to try to find out if that's so.

@Tabbytab

You can't change him and you can't change the dynamics of his relationship with your sister. All you can do (and sounds like you've done) is to tell her exactly what you see and how it makes you feel. And if you feel it, that you will be 'backing away' from 'family outings' that include him but that you are perfectly happy to see her & her DC on their own.

Chances are that she is in a controlling and/or abusive relationship. Only you know if your relationship is such that you can tell her this and offer to help. If you can, even if she gets upset, just tell her you'll be there when she needs you.

Where are your parents in all this? Do they see it? Can you talk to them?

Is SIL involved in an abusive relationship? He sounds like a controlling C…..

She becomes hysterical? As in crying, screaming, hyperventilating etc?

You are right in your assessment.
Try to see your sister and niece alone more often.
They need down time and girly, frivolous hours to combat their harsh reality.

As he’s so 1950s man, head of the household, I hope he was picking up the total bill at that restaurant.

Suggest you arch bad sisters on Apple TV with your sister alone - it’s a black comedy about an abusive husband and down trodden wife. Might be a soft way to introduce the subject. No way in the 21st C is this a normal marriage.

Hmm, this would be head tilt, raised eyebrow and 'Excuse me?' in the coldest tone possible - think of it as deep frozen sarcasm. And then I'd stand where I wanted to be until he wilted - and he would.

OMG my Dad does this. Dictates where everyone sits in his living room when family are round. Always has the TV remote and dictates what is watched. Drove me nuts growing up.

Tried to do that when he visited my house until DH and I both gave him very short shrift.

They like there system. Unless he's abusing his family, stay out of it. Maybe he has a bit of ocd or something.

😂😂😂

nahh. he lacks the warmth and depth