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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say my BIL is not the boss of me?

95 replies

Tabbytab · 07/10/2024 20:09

My sister's DH is the head of their family, very traditional 1950s type marriage with DC. She treats him like he is her boss or father and he makes all the decisions. I am single no DC. When we are all together he is in charge, for example if we go to a restaurant he chooses where and when, then marches up to the table and tells everybody where to sit. This maybe made sense when their DC was small but they are older now and it's every situation even without the DC present. When I tried to push back and ask BIL not to dictate to me my sister became hysterically upset. AIBU?

Yabu - they are the family and you are only one person so if your sis wants him to be the boss he's the boss.
Yanbu - just avoid being with them all together as much as possible and see sister and DN alone
Or...?

OP posts:
Nn9011 · 07/10/2024 21:36

Obviously none of us can presume to know their relationship, your sister panicking at pushing back is a red flag. Men like this are very often at best mentally abusive, escalating in levels of harm.
I would advise you to placate where you can and try to carve out time to speak to your sister. Don't go full blast I think he's abusive, start by saying gosh he was a bit of an army general the other day, is he always like that or something casual. Maybe have a chat then drop it. Then next time ask how he's been and slowly let her open up.
The reason I'm recommending this is because if she's put up with this for so long, it will be very hard to open up and scaring her off too soon could lead to her being even more isolated.

WitchintheDitch · 07/10/2024 21:36

Please be cautious for your sister's sake. I was married to a man like this ......

Lemonadeand · 07/10/2024 21:36

Ha I love that you stand up to him and it riles him. What a pathetic man.

Gymmum82 · 07/10/2024 21:38

Hysterically upset? How? Screaming and crying?
Obviously that’s not normal at all and if that’s what she’s doing she is clearly petrified of him.
Can you see her without him and find out if she’s ok?

Paisleydad · 07/10/2024 21:55

Is this a family that adheres to a family heiarchy laid down by religious beliefs?

(In any event, no, he's not the boss of you).

SerafinasGoose · 07/10/2024 21:58

BirthdayRainbow · 07/10/2024 20:35

Who the hell voted YABU?!

Incels.

There are a lot of them around on this site.

Shinyandnew1 · 07/10/2024 22:02

That sounds like hard work. I think I’d just refuse to go on any restaurant meals with him.

Can you just see your sister separately?

ArnieandBob · 07/10/2024 22:02

My dsis was in a relationship like this, turned out to be abusive. I hope your sister is ok op.

RawBloomers · 07/10/2024 22:05

I have known a few people where the man is the boss and organizes everything, but also a few women - in these cases it’s been more about mental health issues of the controlling person that people pander too for an easy life than it is about sexism necessarily. So I wonder if it’s more that, though I also get the people asking if your DSis is scared of him (and she could be scared and it be more about mental illness than old fashioned sexism) too.

Have you ever had a conversation with your sister or BiL about it?

What happened when you pushed back? As in - what did he actually say when telling you where to sit? How did you respond? How did he take it? What did your sister say/do and how was she hysterical? I think these details make a difference to how I’d suggest handling it, though you’re obviously not obliged to spend time with him if he treats you unreasonably.

Onlyonekenobe · 07/10/2024 22:13

I wouldn't be in the same room as him, and would be seeing my sister separately.

Which would be helpful in allowing her space to talk to me about what's going on in her marriage. Whatever it is, it's not healthy for her.

Fastback · 07/10/2024 22:14

DoYouReally · 07/10/2024 20:16

Was she upset or afraid?

Good question.

Fastback · 07/10/2024 22:14

And your BIL sounds like a cunt.

CandyLeBonBon · 07/10/2024 22:15

Your sister is in an abusive relationship

TriesNotToBeCynical · 07/10/2024 22:25

Anywherebuthere · 07/10/2024 20:33

Incorrectly voted YABU.

If your sister is happy with the dynamics leave her and her DH to it.

But you are correct, he has no right to be like that with you so keep pushing back if he tries with you. You could stay away from situations where he is.

In a restaurant, if his family is happy to sit where he says and you dont want to, there isn't much you can do about it except sit alone where you want or just not go out with them.

You can change your vote, just click on the alternative.

goodluckbinbin · 07/10/2024 22:26

Your poor sister. I’d say aavoid him
bur men like that often behave so controlling to push away any support from the family - your sister needs you.
he sounds awful.

okydokethen · 07/10/2024 22:29

She will be frightened of his reaction immediately and when they get home.

BlackShuck3 · 07/10/2024 22:31

Where did you go@Tabbytab ?

MoodyMargaret11 · 07/10/2024 22:36

HollyKnight · 07/10/2024 21:35

Ugh I have an uncle like this (married to my mum's sister). They have 4 daughters and a son. He is an absolute asshole who sees himself as the head of the family (and women). I was raised by just a mum so was not used to having a man around. When our two families got together my uncle would dictate who did what and order people around. I used to look around at everyone thinking "Wtf is this bullshit!?" But everyone, including my mother, just did what they were told. Thing is, my mum and auntie were raised in a similar environment. My grandfather was a right misogynist who ruled over everyone. It's just a cycle.
Funnily enough, I think my father leaving when I was a little kid saved me from being part of this men-are-kings cult that every other female in my family think is normal.

Yup, your grandfather sounds exactly like my father @HollyKnight
Most of my adult life I've been LC, now NC with him.
I'm glad you were spared this kind of upbringing and able to see it exactly for what it is.

Original poster
Tabbytab · 07/10/2024 22:43

To answer a few questions, there is no religious or cultural reason, just personality, and he is older.

He can be very sneaky, if you ask him directly not to do something he will do it then pretend you never asked or he misunderstood. it is not always direct orders at least not to me, more getting visibly angry if things are not done his way. The time I got annoyed and pointed this out my sister told me I was wrong and that was not happening, and when I insisted she became hysterical.

OP posts:
CutthroatDruTheViolent · 07/10/2024 22:43

MargaretThursday · 07/10/2024 20:26

Are you being invited to join in their family or is it a general family get together?

I think that makes a difference

Why?

justasking111 · 07/10/2024 22:47

My neighbour was like this. His wife was subservient. Then he had a stroke. He's recovered well bar walking very far and talking. She after a very hesitant start has blossomed taking over the finances, insisting on getting workmen into spruce things up. Does all the driving She scolds him now.

Her confidence is a wonder to see

Original poster
Tabbytab · 07/10/2024 22:48

Also the restaurant thing was an example. I don't see them only in restaurants. I have spent many weekends with them at theirs, on holiday, and at the homes of extended family.

OP posts:
jackstini · 07/10/2024 22:50

Do you ever see your sister on her own, without him there?

Her reaction of getting that upset is very worrying and I would be concerned she is being abused

Original poster
Tabbytab · 07/10/2024 22:53

I do see her sometimes alone but not very often.

OP posts: