To say my BIL is not the boss of me?

[Tabbytab]

My sister's DH is the head of their family, very traditional 1950s type marriage with DC. She treats him like he is her boss or father and he makes all the decisions. I am single no DC. When we are all together he is in charge, for example if we go to a restaurant he chooses where and when, then marches up to the table and tells everybody where to sit. This maybe made sense when their DC was small but they are older now and it's every situation even without the DC present. When I tried to push back and ask BIL not to dictate to me my sister became hysterically upset. AIBU?

Yabu - they are the family and you are only one person so if your sis wants him to be the boss he's the boss.
Yanbu - just avoid being with them all together as much as possible and see sister and DN alone
Or...?

"When I tried to push back and ask BIL not to dictate to me my sister became hysterically upset"

This is not normal op... he sounds excessively controlling and it sounds like your sister is scared to rock the boat or have anyone else rock it. I'd query domestic abuse just going on her reaction.

I know other couples who are very 'stereotypical' in their marriages and while it works for them they wouldn't expect it to apply to other people. Which not only shows fear on your sisters part, but also misogyny on your BILs part that he feels entitled to extend that control to you.

I think you should try to spend as much time as possible with your sil, keep the peace with bil to make life easier for her and get her alone as much as you can and ask her if she feels safe with him and tell her you have her back always if she ever needs anything. She may tell you all is fine but I'd make sure you're laying the land that should she ever feel in danger she knows you're who to go to.

Oh I didn't on this thread. But I have done on other threads.

He sounds patronising, rude and controling.

I voted incorrectly.

I have been on MN for so long but didnt occur to me it could be changed. I learnt something today!

Can you give an example of her being hysterically upset?

You can change your vote.

My first thought too

Have you spoken to your sister about her relationship? Her reaction sounds like she's afraid of the consequences...

I'd make a point of suggesting places to eat and sit down before being instructed. If challenged, I would calmly laugh it off and say 'I'm fine sitting here, thank you' then change the subject.

He sounds horribly controlling.

You do not have to accept it.

Kill BIL is a great film

He sounds dreadful, but is she terrified of him taking it out on her when they get home? 😔

@Tabbytab wouldnt be spending any time with him at all!! if your sis wants to see your then you both go out together, he doesnt get to tag along!! he definitely isnt the boss of you or the head of your family!!

The words "Don't be so fucking stupid, Gerald" spring to mind... and sit where he wants to sit

Done!

Have you tried glancing down at your L hand then looking him squarely in the eye and saying, "You're alright, we are not married, so I will stay where I am sitting... Wine everyone?"

You know you want to...

Sing this to him next time it happens.

I also think your sister's reaction is worrying.

Couldn't get worked up about someone organising the seating. If I wanted to sit by my sister for example I would say so. It sometimes saves everyone standing back waiting for everyone else deciding where to sit. 'Does Aunt Jane want to sit by the window, does Fred want to be next to John, Is it too draughty for you near the door.....'.

Does he pay for everyone or do you all split the bill?

Is there a more significant example of him telling you what to do?

that is bonkers. In what movie does she thinks she is and hasnt grown some thick skin by now and ditch tha b-d

She’s afraid of him. He sounds controlling and abusive.

It sounds like he's abusive from her reaction. I'd ask her.

My BIL thinks he is head of the family too, his wife is a doormat and does whatever he tells her to do. We don’t see eye to eye because he sees me as a strong woman who won’t be dictated to.

I don't think I know any couples like this! Maybe because the friends I have don't take any shit!

Ugh I have an uncle like this (married to my mum's sister). They have 4 daughters and a son. He is an absolute asshole who sees himself as the head of the family (and women). I was raised by just a mum so was not used to having a man around. When our two families got together my uncle would dictate who did what and order people around. I used to look around at everyone thinking "Wtf is this bullshit!?" But everyone, including my mother, just did what they were told. Thing is, my mum and auntie were raised in a similar environment. My grandfather was a right misogynist who ruled over everyone. It's just a cycle.
Funnily enough, I think my father leaving when I was a little kid saved me from being part of this men-are-kings cult that every other female in my family think is normal.

Do you know why he behaves like this ? Is it a religious household ? Not that that should make any difference but she may have been conditioned to think that the man is ‘the head of the house’ However,that alone would not explain her hysterical reaction. That suggests that she is frightened of the consequences of her husband being confronted