To ask if you feel like you ‘fit in’

[Grainofsandy]

In my early 40s and I’ve never fitted in anywhere…
Not at school, university, with my family, at work. It’s really lonely.
Is that just how everyone feels - like they don’t fit in anywhere and life is a party they aren’t invited to?

I’ve never really fitted in anywhere. I think (some) other people do though.

I think most people feel like they dont fit in, tbh.

No I don’t, because I’ve always been The Fat One in any situation (usually the fattest or one of a few fat ones).

Never. Have learned to appreciate that’s just not who I am. Still feel lonely but less so now, also I cleared my social life from the bad seeds from when I ‘partied’ hard/tried v hard to fit in, which contributed to the loneliness but has been excellent for my mental and physical health.

I’m autistic.

I have always felt the same as you but I don't think it's normal tbh. I was just thinking this yesterday. I'm late 40s and a load of the women from school are all still best friends, holidays, nights out, family days out etc all the time according to FB. I haven't seen anyone from school since we left 30 years ago 🤷‍♀️

Have also felt this many times- even though I’d say that people around me would never guess I think like that.

so I’m guessing that lots of people probably feel similar to you, but would never actively admit it.

I very rarely feel like I fit in, but I also don't particularly care that I don't fit in, I'll just be myself and if other people feel like I'm a bit odd, then so be it.

Oddly, this makes people think I'm comfortable in most situations. DP and a few others over the years have said variations on "You're pretty much at home with anyone aren't you".

Can't answer this without sounding like a knob but generally I mostly feel like I do fit in.

All my friends are from different parts of life. I just really like people/chatting to them. I find them interesting.

What makes you feel like you don't fit in?

I find my closest friends and family all share the same sense of humour which helps massively probably.

Yes I've definitely felt like I 'fit in' - not in the sense that everyone adores me or anything, just that in most situations I manage to find people I get on with and that I feel comfortable around. In one situation I 'fit in' so well that I became part of a very closed-off clique without realising it - a teacher gave us a talking to about excluding one particular person which made me feel awful. We did make a huge effort with her after the telling off but it never really worked - she seemed not to get anything we said or did, which was hard.

Fitting in is never about trying to go along with what everyone else is doing, it's about being totally yourself (as much as possible) and seeking out people who are similar.

I am pretty confident in public. If you saw me you might assume I fit in..I have just learnt to fake it well.
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Fitting in is never about trying to go along with what everyone else is doing, it's about being totally yourself (as much as possible) and seeking out people who are similar

This is spot on. I started fitting in when I stopped trying to.

I don’t really feel like I fit in but I do a good job of blending in.

No friends at work but get on with everyone. No friends outside of work but know a lot of people and get on with everyone. Not close to my family in terms of sharing/confiding, but have no problems with anyone.

Everyone just knows me in passing really. I think people would be surprised by the amount of time I spend alone.

I felt like this for a long time , years ago my then boss suggested that I concentrate on trying to make other people feel comfortable rather than worry about my own shyness . It works .

School and work, no.

Family though? Absolutely yes.

Me. 43 and have always felt that way, every since I got bullied a lot as a child, so never had much self confidence. I don't care about it as much as I used to do. I have a couple of separate friends but I'm not in any groups/cliques. I don't have much family, so there isn't much to fit into there.

In what ways do you feel you don’t fit? What does fitting in look like when you see others doing it, or what do you suppose it feels like?

I can generally strike up a conversation and find common ground with just about anyone in any situation or context. Mostly, people are actually very similar however you find them. I’m easygoing and don’t have much of an ego, I genuinely don’t care what other people think of me, I don’t care if I look stupid or funny when trying to do something, and can find something interesting or humorous in most situations. I think all that is an important aspect of fitting in: not being self-conscious or always too worried about how you’re being perceived to actually relax and “be” with people; which in turn, helps other people to relax and “be” around you.

I'm 51 and have never found my 'people', feel I never quite fit in no matter how much I try.

I am glad my DC are late teens because I absolutely despised the school gate mafia.

Today I had my first zoom group therapy course for a chronic health condition I suffer with, even on that I felt like I didn't quite belong.

The older I am getting though, the less it concerns me, it used to very much bother me when I was younger.

I have thought for some time I may be ND.

I can def relate to this. I don't spend much time alone, as I've got hubby and kids but outside of work and my household there is little there.

I feel the odd one out a lot.

I was the last among my friends to get into a relationship/have sex.

I dropped out of uni whereas everyone else I know that went has at least one degree.

I don’t enjoy the hobbies that everyone else in my family all have in common (mainly sports, I hate everything like that)

I don’t want/have kids whereas everyone else I know does

Don’t want or have a pet

Don’t want friends or to go to social occasions pretty much ever

Feel like I’ve never grown up into an adult and like I’m a Peter Pan figure

Don’t drink but get high on weed a lot

The only time that I feel I fit in is when I’m with DH. Which is most of the time luckily.

Who are you trying to fit in with? It’s not something I have thought about since school to be honest. The concept of fitting in doesn’t cross my mind. I have work colleagues, a couple are friends, I have other friends and my family and wider family.

Never have fitted in and I’ve really tried. I think it’s to do with being incredibly anxious following on from an abusive childhood and so I just can’t ever seem to say the right things, look the right way or even just blend in. I’m always the odd, fat, anxious people pleaser that people seem to notice as being unusual before I’ve even said a word. I find it mystifying and upsetting but at 49 I suspect there’s fuck all I can do about it.

Haha no! Although I pretend to!

I think I am a peculiar person... almost certainly ND (possibly ADHD, anxiety, dyspraxia), although never diagnosed. I will sound like a snob saying this, but I think I am a lot more intelligent than most people (I am academic and well travelled, and do have a Phd but also have pretty good common sense, although my pop culture knowledge is pretty bad).

I think I've got really good at "faking it" though, and someone a couple of weeks ago said "well you're pretty confident, so...." and I was amazed, as I never really feel confident in myself! The imposter syndrome is major.

Hmm, I'm an introvert. I don't go out of my way to impress people ( but I do strive to be nice and kind)
I have slowly built a very small group of good friends, but I have no interest in being a 'popular" person. It's too people-y. 😁

I think what's important is to find YOUR tribe. Be yourself because if you twist yourself to fit in, you'll never feel confident and comfortable in the group.

Yes I feel like an alien from space just visiting earth for the first time about 90% of the time. Have done since childhood. I suspect I may be neurodivergent tho..
But even so I do think a lot of people feel this way. It's the human state isn't it? Existential dread?
I think it's actually less common to feel totally 'normal' and like you fit right into the world completely.
When you get talking in depth to people, even those who seem like they have it most together, they reveal themselves to be a mess of insecurities and doubts and confusion.. just as you are.

I always describe how I feel as being as if I've just landed in a space ship from another planet . I walk down the street and everyone belongs but I don't.
I used this description when I started a course of CBT last year. Then a few weeks into the course the therapist gave me some exercises to do. One of them asked me to imagine I was an alien from another planet and to describe what I could see when I arrived on Earth. I can't say how much it upset me being given this as an exercise. As I said to the therapist this is how I've felt all my life, I don't need to imagine it. That is my reality. I felt so unlistened to.

So OP I really identify with your description of life being a party every one is invited to but you.