To ask if you feel like you ‘fit in’

[Grainofsandy]

In my early 40s and I’ve never fitted in anywhere…
Not at school, university, with my family, at work. It’s really lonely.
Is that just how everyone feels - like they don’t fit in anywhere and life is a party they aren’t invited to?

No, OP. I've always been the odd one out. First because I was tall, then we moved across the country so I had an accent. Now most mothers at the gate are a certain type that I'm not. I do make friends with other odd ones out though. I'm not shy, just aware that I don't think in the same way as most people. Maybe my adhd-ness? Or that my family was never particularly sociable. Or that I'm an only child of a single parent who grew up living at their grandparents'. Or depression. 1000 possible reasons.
It doesn't bother me really. I sometimes wish I was better at faking it. But then I realise I don't have much interest in these other people. The ones I am interested in, I make an effort with.

And I don't think everyone feels this way either. Most of the other mothers in the playground look the same, have the same viewpoints and same hobbies and same values.

I never really feel like I fit but equally whenever I start in a new office or team etc I get welcomed in and made part of the group quickly, people invite me out etc, I find it quite easy to make friends at my daughters activities or with their parents etc, get invited to hen dos, weddings, christenings, coffee catch ups.. but I still just feel like I'm somehow not quite right 😕 I don't really understand what it is. But I do think a large part for me is anxiety.

Same here but now realise I am autistic and couldn't help it really. I put myself under enormous pressure to fit it by wearing the right things, having the right interests, saying the right thing, standing the right way etc. I now realise it just isn't that much effort for everyone else. I have a small group of friends now I met through my one close school friend and that's enough.

Surely no one thinks they fit in. That's part of being human. We always feel like "the other". In reality we are not.

Yes, I think that’s the key question. I’ve moved around internationally a lot, and only in one place (in England) did I really feel I didn’t ’fit In’, and that was because I was living somewhere very insular, where I was very unusual as a foreigner, older working mother of one, and non-driver. None of these things are at all unusual in themselves, but in combination and in that context, I was very unusual, and definitely looked at slightly askance. And probably if I’d lived there all my life (though obviously that would mean I wasn’t a foreigner) I’d have thought ‘I never fit in’, but in fact my experience of living in lots of other places meant I knew it was just a mismatch of person and environment.

Yes and more recently I have considered I may be autistic. Not saying you are but it explains it for me.

OP, where is it you don't think you fit in. And more importantly, where do you want to fit in? I can fit in pretty much anywhere but that would mean conforming in a way I don't have the energy or desire to do. I only make an effort with school mums because it's important for my DC.

They conform you mean. I don't think they are as much alike as they seem. This is why I prefer not being in group settings. People tend to just adapt instead of being themselves.

I fit in incredibly well in every crowd I'm in - all sorts of different scenarios with all kinds of different people. But that's because I mask everywhere except at home and it's exhausting. If you're not fitting in you may be lonely but at least the people who you do fit in with have the authentic you.

I've clicked best with people through doing things.

I had friends at school but often went off on my own to do things I wanted to do regardless of my friends' interests, but people went in packs and people often seem suspicious of people who will do things on their own without a support gang. I've always been confident to do what pleases me. The school friends I connected best were through DoE in the later years. The earlier years were more just misfits thrust together on the periphery of the class.

At uni, it was mates through a society rather than through the course. I only clicked with one housemate in halls. That's where I've made "soul mates" that have endured long beyond the original meeting circumstances, lifestyle and distance.

In adulthood, again it's through activities where I've connected with people. Never colleagues. Not at same place- same time things like baby groups or the school run either. I don't naturally do popular, mainstream (nor really clear alternative cultures either, but I do tend to do better with "alternative" people). I have no talent for latching on to trends of fashion or culture. I'd rather people like me for being myself than a more socially accepted mask.

My people are out there, but they're rare. I spend a lot of time not fitting in.
I have a knack of connecting with ND people and DS is autistic. If I am ND, I suspect I could have ADHD and have a lot of traits.

I think some of the reason for my not really fitting in is that I have an unexpected blend of diametrically opposed interests/background that usually don’t mesh together. If I find someone that I have something in common with, I can’t share the other half of me.

Love the countryside and rural life. Love gaming and tech.

Upper middle class background. Love fantasy novels.

Look like a librarian. Love rock and metal music.

So I am never fully myself with one person, other than my husband who miraculously has a similar set of interests, and my children who just love me as I am ❤️

I feel this too. I always feel like such a boring person and have little confidence in why anybody would want to be my friend. I have felt out of place in my family, at school and in the workplace. Thankfully not with my husband and kids. I am possibly autistic.

I have never fitted in anywhere or with anyone. It’s like I’m cos playing a human. I wear this human uniform when I leave the house. I have perfected faking it so I can just get through a ‘normal’ day. As I grew up I thought it will all get better when I go to school, college, uni, job etc but I never was - I’ve never found my tribe (you know the one everyone tells you that you’ll find) I feel like a complete alien. I am so lucky and fortunate as my DH feels the same way, so we are a tiny tribe and that’s fine with me. I’ve carved out a hugely fulfilling career as a full time professional artist so being an outsider has worked out well in the end.

I think as a child I didn't because I was fairly quiet and "weird." Not completely strange, I had close friends and was happy but definitely not popular and did feel like something was wrong. I think I felt I fit in when I was at uni and gained confidence.

But I got married at 21 and had twins at 22 and literally nobody in my life was like that so I stuck out and had a different life. Had 3 more children after that and had 5 by the time I was 31. So even though I'm 37 now, and have close friends and a job I like, I think the fact that I have 5 kids always sticks out to people. I don't think I will ever feel like I fit in to be perfectly honest but I am still very happy

Great description. I'm similar. Happy to go to a couple of social groups and talk for hours, certainly welcomed and get on fine there, but none of them are my friends outside the group, nor would I want them to be. I didn't feel any different when I had work friends who developed into outside-work friend thirty years ago. However much I enjoy company I always feel a little removed. Doesn't bother me.

Same, and then I made a friend who was as quirky as I was in my mid 40s. Honestly, just how easy our friendship was was absolutely amazing.

Sadly I have moved (very far away) and we now just keep in touch with messages on the phone. Can't even sync the time for a good chat as I am literally on the other side of the world and opposite time zones.

Me too.

I have a lot of friends but I'm always the quiet one.
The awkward one.
The one who likes weird music.
The goth.
The oddball.

I don't fit in with the school mums, or my colleagues. I'm too old to be in with gen z and too young to be old yet.
I don't fit in with my in laws because as MIL says "I'm timid" Like being a gobshite would have helped my relationship with her🙄

I don't have any mates at running club. Or pilates. I've always affected loud friends and I fade into the background.

Balls to it 😆
Loads of people feel they don't fit in. Don't worry too much x

I felt like this as a child because I grew up in a mining area where people rejected me and my family for sounding too posh. I had no concept of class differences until I went to University and suddenly realised that I fitted in.

No. Only with my DC.
I used to be so shy I couldn’t speak, and now I’ve overcome that I think I come across wrong. I’m also ridiculously self conscious- I’ve been told that means I’m too self centred and no one cares enough to judge but that makes me feel worse rather than better.
It’s like I’m so keen to fit in I can’t relax and be me (because who would like me then?) and so I come across as blunt or distant or stuck up.

I've never fitted in in my environments- school, work etc. I'm always the weird one.

I had a couple of close friends when I was younger.

I'm good in my immediate family.

When I was younger I was constantly chasing this image of the popular girl but sadly lacking. But now I'm comfortable with my lot in life.

I've always felt different to other people too.

The main sticking point as an adult is my love of weird music. I'm into heavy books, strange films too, which wouldn't be a problem, except that I love talking about them. Conversations about normal things feel hollow in comparison. I have one friend who's into the same, but with everyone else it feels like there's something missing. Trying to find mum friends who share the same interests has been hard.

It feels good to write it down and acknowledge it, so thanks for posting, OP.

I could spend all.my time thinking I don't fit in because I am a brown woman with niche interests- I dont like Bollywood or cricket, I do like Victorian gothic and art cinema- but this thread shows how no one fits in.

I've always been on the periphery, too. I have a few friends but they don't know each other.
I suspect it's me, though. I struggle with some social skills. Oddly, or maybe not, I have a customer facing role and can engage easily, but it doesn't translate out of work. It's an act.
I hear of people having summer parties with a load of friends, I wouldn't have enough to make a party!
I'll become a mad cat lady, I think.

One of the things I learned that has made a huge difference to how I feel about myself and my place in the world is that you don’t ‘find your tribe’ by waiting for it to invite you to join it. You don’t make friends by waiting for people to notice you and invite you to join in. You identify the people who interest and intrigue you and you initiate conversations yourself. You think about what you want and pursue it, rather than conceiving of yourself as an inert object to be accepted or rejected.

Belonging isn’t passive - having friendships and satisfying relationships involves participating and initiating, talking and listening, having some conversations that might not be 100% interesting to you all the time, in the service of building a bond. It also helps to be interested in other people, rather than writing them all off as shallow unthinking drones if they don’t share your interests or intensity. If you aren’t actually interested in other people - above and beyond the hobbies and interests you share, or how they make you feel about yourself - then there’s your answer about why you feel isolated.