To ask if you feel like you ‘fit in’

[Grainofsandy]

In my early 40s and I’ve never fitted in anywhere…
Not at school, university, with my family, at work. It’s really lonely.
Is that just how everyone feels - like they don’t fit in anywhere and life is a party they aren’t invited to?

I live abroad so I can have an excuse for not fitting in.

Never, and I was SO desperate to. I wanted more than anything to be part of a friendship group and feel wanted. I never was wanted.

I try not to think about it anymore, just keep to myself.

I definitely didn't in school, I was bullied mercilessly for things out of my control but things my parents could have done plenty about if they could be bothered.
I turned 18, got a full time job and finally had my own money to throw at the problem. Since I started working I've been mostly fine, had a few wobbles (work places I didn't fit the culture etc) but I can get along with most people now.

Hi OP what is it that makes you feel this way? Do you feel like you are masking? It could be that you are ND and I wonder if you have tried one of the online tests? Could it also be social anxiety? Worth having a look to see if any of the experiences shared online resonate with you? It's normal to feel like that some of the time and especially in unfamiliar circumstances. I think more people feel like this than you would imagine

@Bunnyhair I don't think "fitting in" is like that at all, I was never in homogenous groupings

Different personalities can simply be a good fit together....that's the thing I feel is on the wane though.

Im a bit quirky.... somehow i met other quirky folk. So i do fit in. Do activities you like and youll find your people

I don't know if this is typical or not.

There have been plenty of times in life when I've felt I haven't fit in, but I usually find people I can connect with.

I suppose it depends on your circumstances though. For example, I've usually worked at large companies, so there is more chance of finding people you feel you fit in with.

Never try to fit in with other people. Make them fit in with you. And if they don’t, they are not your people.

“Fitting in” is a superficial and unsatisfying goal. You can be in a tribe but you will never be true friends with more than 2 or 3 people in that tribe. The rest will at best tolerate you but not actually think of you as an independent individual.

I have been attached to masses of tribes over the years of various kinds and they are fine as it goes and they serve a purpose but you should never change yourself to adapt to the needs of any group or actively try to ingratiate yourself with one. The groups are transitory, only the real friendships last. Also people can smell a mile off when other people just want to be in the gang. It’s needy and off putting.

Yes a general feeling of I’m a little different/ can be socially awkward etc.

But I have friends and a couple of friendship groups that I feel I can be myself in (this is probably since my 30s).
And feel accelted . I think
my husband accepts me for me. I’ve fitted into most workplaces bar a couple. Latest is a horrid culture everyone is miserable and I don’t feel thhat I fit in so I’m sort of glad I don’t fit in tbh.

Yes, I feel like I fit in. Though really what does that even mean? Fitting into what? Pockets of human connection are found everywhere and the vast majority of us manage to dial into that somehow or other.

personally for me I didn’t feel like I fit in until I got a bit older. So much of it is down to our brains, I experienced CSA so the trauma made me feel very isolated. I also get hung up to this day about my cultural identity and having mixed heritage. But yeah on the whole I feel like ive managed to connect and maintain a variety of friendships. Ive had kids which is basically an instant connection point with most women.

it’s an interesting one to think about actually, i think a lot of people feel like they don’t fit in but tbf you could really deconstruct what that even means as it’s probably something different to different people. A bit like how I don’t feel like I fit in due to not being white British even though that doesn’t mean I don’t fit in necessarily, someone else will see their own insecurity as a reason they don’t fit in. Argh rambling now

I feel the exact way that you've described. And take make things worse I've moved from a deprived urban area of the city to a sleepy village in the Country and I'm well and truly the awkward, black sheep.

I think I agree with you - maybe it’s about semantics really. I’d say it’s more about finding the people we enjoy spending time with - which is going to depend a lot on our environment and circumstances - rather than understanding ourselves as people who consistently and temperamentally don’t ‘fit in’ - which to my ears implies not conforming to some kind of standard.

I dont fit in anywhere really. That's OK. I am very independent and introverted and am not at all bothered what other people think of me. I get on with my life and leave other people to theirs.

Never really felt like I fit in, then I went to uni and found friends that are like me. I only feel like I fit in when I’m with them or DH though, at work I feel like I stick out like a sore thumb.

No, I don't really fit in. I did to an extent at school and had a nice group of friends. But since reaching adulthood I've always felt a bit on the outside of everything, even with my existing few friends. Our village has an unusually bustling party social scene but I just can't seem to bring myself to try to integrate? Doesn't help that I quit drinking (after spending my 20s drinking, probably too much, largely for the confidence boost it gave me). It's hard making friends as a grownup! I keep holding out hope that one day I'll find my tribe.

But eventually you did meet people who liked your weirdo self and along the way you learned stuff about yourself and where you feel comfortable in the world. 🤷🏻‍♀️

All people can suffer loneliness - it’s not exclusive to the imaginary beautiful popular ‘Friends’ type people.

I fit in because I'm good at creating space for myself, rather than squeezing up to others.

It helps that I have a high level of self-confidence and good self-esteem.

@Grainofsandy
nope but then I'm Autistic, I also get the feeling that others think that I'm comfortable on my own which for the most part is true, but then sometimes the loneliness really bites...

No I've never felt like I fit in anywhere. Always been on the outside looking in but happy to do my own thing and be in my own company. A bit of an odd bod, but I've accepted myself for who I am.

Oh, and I'm autistic - I was diagnosed with Asperger's (as was) about 12 years ago, in my early 30s - but I don't and never have given a single fuck about what other people think.

I tend to just crack on and let other people come along for the ride if they want to.

I think I used to fit in - I was very happy at school and at uni, really comfortable in my own skin and surrounded by friends - although looking back I can see that I was always very much part of a tight clique. As an adult it has been different. I definitely don’t belong to any kind of friendship group or have a place I can go where I just fit in. I have several very good friends, but they are “one on one” kinds of relationships with people I’ve gelled with over the years who don’t tend to know one another well. I do fit in with my immediately family, and I am very grateful for how close and loving we are, but outside the home I’m more of a Lone Ranger these days. I don’t mind it really.

I tried to fit in when I was at school, when I was in my late teens, early 20s etc.

But it always failed. Trying to pretend I was something I am not was just exhausting.

I am not the nightclub loving, heavy drinking party all night type at all. Trying to force myself to be that was silly.

People always said, 'be yourself'
So I started doing what I enjoy and not what I thought I should be doing. Iyswim.

Now I fit in perfectly, because it's just me, and behind a me shaped peg in a me shaped hole is much easier.

I don't think I fit in with "mainstream" people, but I have also found MY people, so I'm not bothered.

That’s me all over. The only place I feel truly at home (other than at home!) is at rock gigs where I’m part of the crowd singing along as one in the dark. I realised that’s how some people must feel their whole lives! It’s so relaxing being with others but not over thinking every single thing or worrying about making conversation.

Goodness grief no.

And people feel very free to blurt out how 'weird' I am to my face. 🙂Very edifying to hear.