To have a favourite child?

toyotatallula · 2024-10-07T13:27:16+00:00

So I'm on the school run. I'm sitting outside school on a bench under a tree listening to Joanna Lumley read a book on Audible. She's talking about children. I have 4 children. I love them all beyond comprehension. However I realise as I'm sitting here I have a special soft spot for my youngest. He's so empathetic, caring and just a good little guy. The others are very independent and a little selfish in comparison to him. I wondered do other mums have a little soft spot for one of their kids or am I a horrible old cowbag!

MarginallyBetter · 07/10/2024 14:31

Well, of course the older ones are more independent than your youngest! That seems like a slightly weird reason to prefer him... Are you going to relegate him back in with the rest of the pack as he gets older and more independent?

Owly11 · 07/10/2024 14:32

Since you have only just realised this yourself, it might be a better idea to sit with your feeling a little longer and ask yourself how you feel about realising this, rather than asking the internet. Seems like you know it feels bad but are seeking some kind of validation. I would also ask yourself why being more independent/selfish makes your older kids less loveable. Perhaps your love is in part based on gratification.

Rumors1 · 07/10/2024 14:41

Jesus harsh replies!!
OP I think most people have a soft spot for their youngest for a while as they know its their last baby. I know lots of people who feel that way.
My older children would say my youngest is my favourite but its only because I "baby" him more and really can enjoy that stage more because the others are more independent.
I make sure to tell the others what I love about them but I think it is completely normal to be drawn more to one child - its probably just a personality thing also.

sagebomb · 07/10/2024 15:11

I tell all of mine separately that they are my favourite. In reality they are all a pain in the arse. Well actually middle one is a bit more easy going so maybe it's her. Oh I'll change my mind by next week. Anyway I'm their favourite mom so hurrah.

Hillarious · 07/10/2024 15:11

Of course, I have my favourite, but that favourite may differ from time to time. I certainly don't treat my children equally all the time. They get what they need from me when they need it, and I don't feel the need to compensate with the others.

Fizzadora · 07/10/2024 15:12

I do, but then I only have one😊

ComtesseDeSpair · 07/10/2024 15:14

It’s always seemed normal to me that many parents would have favourites even if they didn’t acknowledge it. Not all people are equally likeable or enjoyable to be around, we all know that, including those related to us. As long as you treat all DC equitably in the ways that matter, I think it’s fine to prefer being around one more than others.

Goldenbear · 07/10/2024 15:16

No as I think it is terribly damaging and becomes self-fulfilling.

arethereanyleftatall · 07/10/2024 15:22

There's always so much angst around this, but really - if one child is objectively nicer, kinder, more pleasant than the other - then how can they not be? Of course you don't show it.

I would think it quite an unusual situation if all siblings were EXACTLY as nice as each other.

Prisonpillow · 07/10/2024 15:23

For me it’s a difference between favourite child and favourite age. My youngest isn’t my favourite, but he is at my favourite age (2) which means I really love spending time with him.

thesunisastar · 07/10/2024 15:24

ComtesseDeSpair · 07/10/2024 15:14

It’s always seemed normal to me that many parents would have favourites even if they didn’t acknowledge it. Not all people are equally likeable or enjoyable to be around, we all know that, including those related to us. As long as you treat all DC equitably in the ways that matter, I think it’s fine to prefer being around one more than others.

Edited

I do think it's interesting how the concept of the favourite child has become absolutely taboo. It's a relatively modern thing, I think - classic literature is riddled with favourite children, and not always as a proxy for poor parenting in general. Mr Bennet, although flawed, is generally a well-loved character despite his unashamed preference for his "little Lizzy". Even the saintly Caleb Garth in Middlemarch openly prefers one of his daughters, the equally saintly Mary.

caringcarer · 07/10/2024 15:36

I don't have a favourite DC but I do have one easy child.

Goldenbear · 07/10/2024 15:38

thesunisastar · 07/10/2024 15:24

I do think it's interesting how the concept of the favourite child has become absolutely taboo. It's a relatively modern thing, I think - classic literature is riddled with favourite children, and not always as a proxy for poor parenting in general. Mr Bennet, although flawed, is generally a well-loved character despite his unashamed preference for his "little Lizzy". Even the saintly Caleb Garth in Middlemarch openly prefers one of his daughters, the equally saintly Mary.

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Surely though, Classic Literature does not offer much in the way of top tips on good parental techniques so hardly that much of surprise that attitudes have changed on this issue.

DaisyChain505 · 07/10/2024 15:39

Children are not all the same. They have different personalities, temperaments etc which make them individuals.

of course you will bond with one more about something than the other or be fond of something one of them does that the other doesn’t.

it doesn’t mean you have a favourite it just means you love them in different ways for different reasons.

mugboat · 07/10/2024 15:40

thesunisastar · 07/10/2024 15:24

I do think it's interesting how the concept of the favourite child has become absolutely taboo. It's a relatively modern thing, I think - classic literature is riddled with favourite children, and not always as a proxy for poor parenting in general. Mr Bennet, although flawed, is generally a well-loved character despite his unashamed preference for his "little Lizzy". Even the saintly Caleb Garth in Middlemarch openly prefers one of his daughters, the equally saintly Mary.

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I'm glad it is taboo. Imagine how it feels to be the least favoured child.

Imagine how that child will internalise these feelings and how their self esteem will be affected.

Luckily for me, my mum didn't have any obvious favourites... but my DH and his brother always felt unfavoured and like black sheep. Even now that they're in their 40s. It's crazy. DH still alludes to it and it has affected his self esteem.

mugboat · 07/10/2024 15:42

I agree with those posting that children are all different and different temperaments pose different challenges... which can definitely affect the mood of the household.

arethereanyleftatall · 07/10/2024 15:48

DaisyChain505 · 07/10/2024 15:39

Children are not all the same. They have different personalities, temperaments etc which make them individuals.

of course you will bond with one more about something than the other or be fond of something one of them does that the other doesn’t.

it doesn’t mean you have a favourite it just means you love them in different ways for different reasons.

Ok, but taking a hypothetical extreme....

What if child A is nasty, selfish, a bully, moody, every other negative word you can think of, grows up to be in prison.

And Child B is lovely, funny, helpful, every positive word you can think of, grows up to be mother Theresa.

Would you really not prefer Child B to child A?

Most people will be in between the two, and I guess lucky you if your children all have good bits and bad bits that even out, but surely you can see that this won't be the case for all parents?

allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld · 07/10/2024 15:52

@toyotatallula horrible old cowbag is what you are!!! as they get older, your other kids will all realise this! just know that they will not like being placed behind the golden child all the time in your list of priorities!

jolota · 07/10/2024 15:54

My mum says that you don't always like your children, but you always love them.
I imagine 'favourites' plays a part in this - you're going to prefer the children that you like the most - but you still love them equally

theonlygirl · 07/10/2024 15:54

Not a favourite exactly, I love them both in equal measure, but one is definitely easier to rub along with day to day.

MyOtherCarisAVauxhallZafira · 07/10/2024 15:56

I do but I've only got one so I think that's ok!

ButterAsADip · 07/10/2024 15:58

sagebomb · 07/10/2024 15:11

I tell all of mine separately that they are my favourite. In reality they are all a pain in the arse. Well actually middle one is a bit more easy going so maybe it's her. Oh I'll change my mind by next week. Anyway I'm their favourite mom so hurrah.

This 😄 OP, it’s fine as long as each child believes they’re the favourite.

My middle child is just ugh utterly utterly divine. Such a treasure. He’s a really special soul. The other 2 I absolutely adore of course too, but are basically harder work. I wouldn’t say middle is my
favourite, he’s just a lot easier. They’re the 3 top kids in the whole world though, so can’t complain.

UsernameNameUser · 07/10/2024 16:03

OP, regardless of whether it’s right or not to have a favorite, please make a conscious effort to NEVER let your other kids know. My parents swore up and down they didn’t have favorites but their actions spoke louder. My mom’s favorite is my brother, my father’s is my sister. I’m just there. They love me, they just love my siblings more. It’s 100% because my siblings are their carbon copies, while I’m a true mix (so I guess they see things they don’t like in each other and themselves in me? Not sure).

It doesn’t really hurt anymore, but there’s definitely a deep, scarred wound left behind. It’s not very enjoyable knowing you’re the “add on” to their perfect family

Sorrelia · 07/10/2024 16:05

I honestly don't have a favourite. Two DD here and equally in love with them both. Just be careful not showing it! My younger brother was favoured during my childhood and it left marks even in adulthood.

JaninaDuszejko · 07/10/2024 16:07

arethereanyleftatall · 07/10/2024 15:48

Ok, but taking a hypothetical extreme....

What if child A is nasty, selfish, a bully, moody, every other negative word you can think of, grows up to be in prison.

And Child B is lovely, funny, helpful, every positive word you can think of, grows up to be mother Theresa.

Would you really not prefer Child B to child A?

Most people will be in between the two, and I guess lucky you if your children all have good bits and bad bits that even out, but surely you can see that this won't be the case for all parents?

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In families like this I'd wonder what kind of parenting resulted in such a difference in outcomes. When was the favourite child identified as such by the parents and how badly did they treat the least favourite child? Children aren't born bad or evil, most adults in prison have been through the care system because their parents were so bad. Of course some kids have more disadvantages than others but good parenting makes a massive difference to outcomes.