To have a favourite child?

[toyotatallula]

So I'm on the school run.
I'm sitting outside school on a bench under a tree listening to Joanna Lumley read a book on Audible. She's talking about children.

I have 4 children. I love them all beyond comprehension. However I realise as I'm sitting here I have a special soft spot for my youngest.

He's so empathetic, caring and just a good little guy. The others are very independent and a little selfish in comparison to him.

I wondered do other mums have a little soft spot for one of their kids or am I a horrible old cowbag!

I only have one child, for many reasons, one of which is she'll never have to question if she's our "favourite ".
I don't know how parents of multiples do it and they all swear they "love them all" equally, but how can you?! I'm guessing most just lie to protect their kids and themselves.
My daughter always knows she's my favourite.
I wanted a little girl and I got what I wanted, job done, no need to have any more.

Easily, for me anyway. I love my two equally because they're both my children. I can't imagine not loving them both completely and equally.

If I thought like you, then personally I wouldn't have had any children, and I'd have sought therapy because I'd have been disturbed if either of us had wanted a particular sex. I'd also have wanted to unpick why I thought I couldn't love 2 or more children equally.

No, I find it completely bizarre that some parents have favourites. Sometimes one of my children are going through an easier stage to parent, but I could never like or love one more than the other.

I genuinely don't have a favourite.my children are very different, almost complete opposites. One is more difficult in some ways, but it doesn't mean I like them less. I appreciate the different good qualities each one has.

And there it is. The holier than thou snarky comment that is so completely ridiculous it's laughable.

Nobody goes to therapy because they have a gender preference that's perfectly normal behaviour. And it's perfectly normal for people to wonder if they could ever love a second child as much as they love their first.

Get a grip and go be mean somewhere else.

I wonder if it's sometimes just about which child you get along best with. I love both my children equally but I find my eldest less complicated. I tend to clash more with DS2. He is absolutely lovely, but he would argue over two angels on the head of a pin. DS1 and I bumble along with very little conflict and I find him easier company. Even so, I genuinely don't have a favourite.

And there it is. The holier than thou snarky comment that is so completely ridiculous it's laughable.

Nobody goes to therapy because they have a gender preference that's perfectly normal behaviour. And it's perfectly normal for people to wonder if they could ever love a second child as much as they love their first.

Get a grip and go be mean somewhere else.

Er....that poster was being 'mean'. They were insinuating that parents couldn't possibly love their children equally and if they did then they must be lying. That is goady af. Just because they couldn't, doesn't mean others can't.

I said what I'd do for myself if I felt how that poster felt because I would find it disturbing. I've seen the negative consequences of it and wouldn't want that for my own family.

People do go to therapy to work out why they have a preference of the sex of their child and for help with disappointment over their child's sex.

I have favoured each of my children at different times, depending on who is giving me the least bother! However, I have always loved them exactly the same.

My parents seem like they favour my brother but he just needs them more. I understand this as he is single and has autism.

Just because you don't think you could have loved multiple children equally, doesn't mean other parents are lying.

@HorsePeopleAreStablePeople

I agree with @dogclub. It was the other poster who was being snarky and rude.

Im not sure about an overall favourite but I think it is natural to have a favourite for specific things or throughout times in your children’s lives.

doesn’t mean you love them any less.

I have 3, I don't have favourites, they all tear my heartstrings in different ways at different times.

I love them all to pieces, and just cannot imagine having a favourite.

But my youngest (now 16) is recently diagnosed as autistic, and she has always needed more emotional support.

One of my older ones consistently tells me that the youngest is the favourite.
I have tried to explain that she is not a favourite at all, but they don't believe me.
Recently we talked about how youngest needs more support and how the house does run around her needs (older ones are both at uni, so only youngest at home) and older one siad - SEE she's favourite.

I laughed and explain that meeting her needs is not making her favourite, and we talked and I think the penny finally dropped that more need does not mean favourite.

Yes, your view is very balanced and this is just a conversation, l don’t get why some, are taking everything so literally.It’s a good thread though.

Yabu

I love mine differently but equally

I have 5. If asked if I have a favourite I say no but I do have a rota system ..
seriously though they all have different ages and stages which you love and others not so much. Two of mine are ‘easier’ but that’s because they aren’t like me!
and the child me and DH do find most worrisome has been labelled ‘messiah child’ by his siblings and he hates it
and I frequently get lectures from the older ones that I am not hard enough on the younger ones and they won’t turn out as well
one of my DD is also super expensive with her hobbies/ prolonged degree but I try to make sure that they all know I will try to meet all their needs equally but they seem to have pretty cheap tastes and hobbies so it all evens out
you can’t win! Just do your best

I don't have this with my own at all honestly. I have 5 but they're all so amazing in different ways really and they all irritate me just the same amount as well!

I love both my children equally and don't prefer one over the other! I have a soft spot for both! I think it helps that they are very different little people!

My youngest sounds a bit like yours. He's kind, helpful, empathic, impeccably well behaved. I have moments when I look at him and just think, 'wow! I'm so proud to be your mum!'

My oldest is brave, throws himself into everything , is smart, curious, adventurous, fun! I have moments when I look at him and think 'wow! I'm so proud to be your mum!'

I just love them both with all my heart!

I do find that I 'get' one of my children a bit more than the other. I have to work a bit harder with one than the other. But that's just because I'm a bit like one of them, and less like the other! My husband also 'gets' one (the other one to me!) more than the other, and has to work harder with the other. But he loves them equally!

I can't imagine how it must feel to have a favourite. I think it stress about it!

My younger is a high scoring on the agreeability scale - generous and empathetic and expressive. As a result he has lots of friends and is easy to like.

My elder is naturally less agreeable. More reluctant to give you a bit of her chocolate, gives less of a about what others think, has a nice group of close friends but is not bothered about being like. Can be expressive and affectionate but tends to be more self contained.

Mind you she is still my first born and from the moment I set eyes on her little face she has been the apple of my eye!

I don't think I could say which is my favourite. My youngest is easier and more helpful.

Don't be daft, we're not all just lying. You can't imagine it because you haven't experienced it. I have 4 kids and I love all of them equally, like I'm sat here going through each of them in my head and deciding they're my favourite then going to the next one and deciding they're my favourite, in fact they're all my favourite.

Actually they all think they're my favourite so I feel like I must make them all feel as special and as wanted as each other.

I’m a nan and am starting to really dislike one of my grandchildren 😬 He’s turning into a controlling little bully just like his father, and is violent with it. I can’t even stand the sight of him sometimes. 😫

It's not that it 'isn't true' it's how you frame things to yourself. I didn't mean to be patronising. I work in mental health. Often people find certain thoughts or ideas they have worrying.. yet these ideas could be less worrying if they were re framed. People can often label feelings they experience in a certain way due to guilt. It's important to really examine them and consider what might be behind the feelings and if they really deserve the negative label you have assigned or if they could be reframed in a more positive way.
I think feeling like you have 'a favourite child' can be an unhealthy label to assign to feelings which are more complicated than that.
As other pp have mentioned in some families where a parent fixated on there being a favourite this can have a negative effect long term.
I'm not saying the op has done that as she seems like a reasonable balanced person..
But it's just something to be aware of coz even if she is taking care to parent her children equally she herself might find the thought worrying and feel badly about herself. I mean she has asked this question so obviously has some concern about her feelings?
So I'm just saying that these feelings don't necessarily need the label of 'favourite child' on them if that's something that's worrying the op.

But surely that's a dreadful attitude, that no-one before about 2015 had any ability to raise a happy child?

I sometimes worry that my youngest (of 2) is my favourite. But he’s not the child anyone would expect to be my favourite of the two.

I don’t think I actually do have a favourite but sometimes I worry - he does get more attention because he is younger and has SEN. But equally I find him easier to parent in many ways - eldest is 16 and doesn’t need much day to day parenting but doesn’t need NOTHING - and it’s giving the right support and attention in the right place, at the right time that is slightly less intuitive to me!

Actually I think this is the answer- they’re both my favourite when I’m thinking about them!

Yes understand what you’re saying.
I haven’t got any grandchildren, my mum has and can completely identify with this.
She’s got 4 grandchildren, she loves, however 2 of them she doesn’t enjoy spending time with.