To have a favourite child?

[toyotatallula]

So I'm on the school run.
I'm sitting outside school on a bench under a tree listening to Joanna Lumley read a book on Audible. She's talking about children.

I have 4 children. I love them all beyond comprehension. However I realise as I'm sitting here I have a special soft spot for my youngest.

He's so empathetic, caring and just a good little guy. The others are very independent and a little selfish in comparison to him.

I wondered do other mums have a little soft spot for one of their kids or am I a horrible old cowbag!

Ok let’s take your example and compare to my experience

Child A - Confident, cheeky, mischievous, got into teen trouble, always nicking off school, left with no GCSEs, no biggie in family, experimented with drugs, nothing heavy, shop lifting, vandalism, ended up in court got off with a caution. Got girlfriend pregnant at 19 clean up his act, went to college to get GCSEs. Worked hard has successfull business which has financially supported parents for many years. Has a loyal group of friends from teen years, most just regular hard working people.

Child B - Happy quiet funny child, no trouble, always behaved and followed the rules. No teen trouble other than underage drinking with friends but very normal acceptable family behaviour. No GCSEs, but no big deal, not expected in the family. Worked multiple jobs from teen years, paid own way. No drugs or police at the door. Always there for every birthday, occasion, would gift presents just because they saw something parents would like. Regularly lent money to never see it again. Eventually moved away, went to uni, built up a successful career before becoming a SAHM by choice, no benefits as successful husband is financially able to support family. Wide variety of friends across the globe, most down to earth successful professionals.

Child C - moved around primary schools due to bad behaviour. Physical angry tantrums from an early age damaging property, not just at home. No ND. Expelled from high school for threatening someone with a machete. Didn’t attend 2nd high school, never even turned up for GCSEs, but again no biggie in family dynamics. Started smoking weed and taking e’s from approx age 13, shoplifting, fighting taking drugs and moved to eventual dealing. Was involved in lots of criminal activity, thought it was fun to drive cars at speed with mates while on drugs to crash them for insurance fraud. Was right hand man for a big drug dealer, beating non payers up, some weapons dealing. Still has a temper and throws violent fits even as an adult with children threatening anyone who crosses him. Constant debt and in trouble, always everyone else’s fault. Most friends ex or current criminals, benefit fraudsters, druggies, wife beaters.

Which one do you think is the favourite golden child and which one do you think is the least favourite?

Yeah that poster you responded to was disturbing. Such a toxic outlook.

Some people are just not cut out to be mothers.

I genuinely don't think I do. My kids are so different. And both have qualities I love and others that I find absolutely infuriating!

I think many do. That's why you get Golden Child and Scapegoat.

My sibling has a preference for their youngest. They are an easier child. I think the oldest can tell though and it's very sad. I think it's causing problems in the children's relationship with each other.

I love them all in different ways. The hardest ones sometimes more, oddly. I know who brings most sunshine to my life and who I'd have a better time with. But parenting is about so much more than that.

I have 3 and do not have a favourite, they are all so different. What I do have is one child that is so easy to parent compared to the others, which is just their personality even as a teenager (easy going, compliant, likes school).

YABU.

Children know when there’s a favourite. Remember it’s not just your feelings that matter here.

I always find it bizarre that people insist they feel exactly the same about each of their children. We don't do that in any other relationships. Maybe it's the term 'favourite' as there's some implication of treating better within it.

I have three children two girls and a boy, the boy is a bit younger than the girls.

I am closest to the younger dd she's a great person and our personalities connect well.

@toyotatallula if you have a favourite child, the others will know. You might think that if you just don't say it out loud it won't matter but it does. You need to work harder on liking them all for their own attributes if you don't want the others to feel it and look back and judge you for this when they are grown up.

It's probably not child B in my experience!

My (half) brother has been on drugs, been involved with dealing, been to YOI and prison, knowingly bought stolen painkillers from a mate who worked with elderly people, kept lookout for his druggie mates while they beat someone up to within an inch of his life, used to beat up his sister when he was younger, causing her to move out at 16 and live with me. Got his GF pregnant at 17, told her he'd get his druggie mates to have her killed if she didn't have an abortion. Thankfully she did and walked away. He's stolen from me, my dad/stepmum, my sister over the years. But still is the most indulged, enabled and favoured as the youngest and always has been. He is ND, but so are my sister and I. ND does not explain violence and criminality, but an overindulged golden penis only son who never had any boundaries absolutely does.

My favourite child is whichever one is behaving 😂. I tell DC this, too, when they ask who my favourite is. Amazing how they suddenly jump to help!!

I do spend more time with DD as DS is now 12 & attached to his DF like glue, but make sure I don't fall into the favour trap.

For me it's personal as I wasn't the favourite child. DB got all the attention & opportunities & DP's still fall all over him on the rare occasion he appears. Even now it stings.

@AliceMcK

I'm guessing you are B and was least favourite because they didn't get you. And C is favoured because in their eyes he's a big deal.

Just don’t make it obvious, that’s all. My Dm would have denied it to her dying day, but Dbro (only boy with 3 sisters) was most definitely her favourite. Although I was certainly conscious of it as a child, it didn’t bother me too much - I suppose I saw it as normal - the boy ‘naturally’ being the most important. But one or two incidents did hurt, and I still remember them decades later.

What’s the saying, I don’t have a favourite child but there’s one I try extra hard not to wake up!

I think we all go through times of liking one more than the other. Unless they are twins at the same stage of life and have exactly the same personality I think it would be hard not to.

What a nasty thing to say.

You have no idea what kind of mother she is. Every single person I know who wanted a second child held off a while because they weren't sure they could love another child as much as they loved the one they already had. Some had the second child and found their love just multiplied. Some stick with just the one child because they couldn't be sure.

How on earth does making the sensible decision not to have a second child just incase you can t move another as much as you love the one you already have, thereby protecting the best interests of the child that already exists and the hypothetical child, mean someone isn't cut out to be a mother!? She is being responsible which is a hell of a lot more than a lot of shitty mothers can say!

I don't personally believe it's possible to not have a favourite. I love my parents equally but I have a favourite parent. I love my grandparents equally but I have a favourite grandparent. These are all normal concepts that everyone accepts so why people think abject indifference between several children is possible ois beyond me.

My daughter has bought me more joy than I thought possible and she is amazing in every way. Originally I wanted 2 children but she is so perfect to me another child could never compare to her and I don't know how I could find as much love as I have for her again and share it equally. So I'm sticking with one.

I’ve just read the persons comment, it wasn’t toxic (unlike your response) it was just their opinion, which wasn’t involving anyone.

I think that this is a really interesting question and something I've been thinking about quite a lot lately.

I don't want to have a favourite and I love both of my children so much, but I seem to get on a lot better with my youngest. He is to be perfectly honest just a much nicer person. Strangely though the one who drives me mad and is very selfish gets the most help and most of my energy.

My in laws have a clear favourite and it shows and they favour the grandchildren too. I don't think they mean to do it but it's very obvious.

I think my parents have their favourites. Again I don't think it's deliberate. One of my siblings gets a lot of support and my mum is very protective and defensive about them. My mum says they aren't the favourite and actually drive her mad.

Perhaps it's not favourites but parents responding to different needs.

Every single person I know who wanted a second child held off a while because they weren't sure they could love another child as much as they loved the one they already had.

I never felt like this and don't understand it, love is not finite. I'm from a big family, I don't love my siblings less than people who have only one sibling. So why would I love my three children less than if I only had one child? If anything they have more love in their lives because they have their siblings who love them as well as their parents. Love's a magic penny, the more you spend it the more you've got.

I have a soft spot for ds3. And that's because he's the only one of our 5 that is like me. The other 4 (all adult now) were 'slow to warm up' kids. Quite serious. Ds 3 was a livewire - very funny, threw himself into things. I just thoroughly enjoyed his energy.

I can't say he is my favourite as i honestly do love different things about all of them. And now they are adult, i probably enjoy the company of my dds more.

But - definitely ds 3 could do something pretty naughty when young and i'd be holding back laughter. Whereas if my others did the same thing, i would have been annoyed. Not fair!

@CrazyGoatLady and @autienotnaughty yes you are both right. Though I’m the scapegoat child as my mother is a narcissist, something I’ve only in recent years come to realise. Now I know it all makes sense, but dosnt make my childhood any better.

i have 3 DCs and there is no way I have a favourite, each has things I love the most, each gets told what it is about them I love, each is told it is good to be different and regularly reminded of how they all get things, attention and love at different times because they are individuals.

DH was the least favourite too, but for different reasons, we swore we’d never let it happen with our children regardless of their personalities, it’s our job as parents to find things in common or understand them if they aren’t like us.

I only have 1 child and I still don't have a favourite most days. 😂

I am closest to the younger dd she's a great person and our personalities connect well.

And I’ll guarantee that your other DC sense this and wonder what’s wrong with them. Be very careful in your preferences.

My two are grown up now. I connect with both of them in different ways. One of them is much more difficult than the other, but it doesn't mean that I love them any less.

I am the eldest of 3, and I used to think that the middle one was definitely the favourite with both of our parents. I've come to realise over the years (I'm in my 50s now), that it's simply because she demands more attention because of the way she is. I think it's more a case of the squeakiest wheel getting the most oil, tbh.