Page 2 | To have a favourite child?

Teenagerantruns · 07/10/2024 16:09

I have two now in thier late 20s early 30s. I absolutely have a favourite child, but im not sure they would know. In fact my other child gets loads more help than the favourite, l love them both but one so much nicer than the other

Freeyourminds · 07/10/2024 16:11

allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld · 07/10/2024 15:52

@toyotatallula horrible old cowbag is what you are!!! as they get older, your other kids will all realise this! just know that they will not like being placed behind the golden child all the time in your list of priorities!

There’s no need for that.This is just a conversation, if you can’t handle it, maybe just don’t read the thread.

Gelasring · 07/10/2024 16:11

I don't think you're horrible but I can't relate to it. I have 3 kids who are all very different. I love different aspects of their personalities and they all have different flaws.
Maybe I'm just lucky and if I had 1 Perfect Peter and 2 Horrid Henrys I'd have a favourite as well.
It sorted of breaks my heart a bit to think of having a favourite and how awful that would be for the other 2.

Purposefullyporous · 07/10/2024 16:11

I wouldn't phrase it like that. And I don't think you should either... but of course it's normal to have slightly different feelings and relationships with your kids as they are all different people. Especially as they get older it may turn out you have more in common and get on better with particular children. It also varies at different stages of life.
Don't frame it as 'having a favourite' you don't really have a favourite. I assume you love all your children deeply. I certainly do. But at various points you will end up feeling more warmly towards one or bonding with one over something in particular or whatever.. that's normal coz as I said they are all individuals and you relate differently to different individuals.
As long as you take care to always treat your ALL kids fairly and lovingly it's perfectly normal to get on with them in different ways or admire them for different qualities etc
Please don't go round saying one is the favourite tho.. that's not true. He just has a quality you admire that the others don't but I can guarantee you there will be things about them you come to admire that your other son might not possess.

LittleSparklyStar · 07/10/2024 16:13

I have 3 and my favourite changes daily depending on who’s giving me the least stress 😊

Goldenbear · 07/10/2024 16:16

toyotatallula · 07/10/2024 14:27

So I'm on the school run.
I'm sitting outside school on a bench under a tree listening to Joanna Lumley read a book on Audible. She's talking about children.

I have 4 children. I love them all beyond comprehension. However I realise as I'm sitting here I have a special soft spot for my youngest.

He's so empathetic, caring and just a good little guy. The others are very independent and a little selfish in comparison to him.

I wondered do other mums have a little soft spot for one of their kids or am I a horrible old cowbag!

So you have four children so the ages range from adult to toddler? I just wonder if the cute toddler is really what is behind your feelings before they go on to develop opinions and characteristics that don't chime with your own.

Purposefullyporous · 07/10/2024 16:17

arethereanyleftatall · 07/10/2024 15:48

Ok, but taking a hypothetical extreme....

What if child A is nasty, selfish, a bully, moody, every other negative word you can think of, grows up to be in prison.

And Child B is lovely, funny, helpful, every positive word you can think of, grows up to be mother Theresa.

Would you really not prefer Child B to child A?

Most people will be in between the two, and I guess lucky you if your children all have good bits and bad bits that even out, but surely you can see that this won't be the case for all parents?

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I would argue that families with those extremes are rare and usually caused by one child having additional issues such as mental health or addiction issues which can distirt their personality OR terrible parenting by a narcissistic parent who has pitted the kids against each other and created a golden child and scapegoat figure..
I think in the majority of families you don't get extremes like that with one absolutely lovely child and one 'evil' child.. coz all the upbringing and genetics would be similar.. so yeah they may have slightly different temperaments and interests but they aren't going to be so wildly different as to have a saint and a devil.. unless somethings gone very badly wrong

RaspberryBeretxx · 07/10/2024 16:17

I dont have a favourite but my first will always have an extra special place as the one I did it all “first” with. It might also be because there’s a big age gap so I feel a bit nostalgic about dc1.

sorrythetruthhurts · 07/10/2024 16:20

JaninaDuszejko · 07/10/2024 16:07

In families like this I'd wonder what kind of parenting resulted in such a difference in outcomes. When was the favourite child identified as such by the parents and how badly did they treat the least favourite child? Children aren't born bad or evil, most adults in prison have been through the care system because their parents were so bad. Of course some kids have more disadvantages than others but good parenting makes a massive difference to outcomes.

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I agree with this. It's a self-fulfilling cycle. I see it in my in-law's families as they have a habit of treating the kids differently. At a younger age they start acting out as any kind of attention is better than none to them, and it goes from there.

Current situation is golden daughter can do no wrong in their eyes (she's very spoilt and self-centred to the average outsider) and scapegoat son is blamed for everything (has now developed a drinking problem as a teenager and steals from everyone he can find to get money for it).

All started off by innocent things like the parents only wanting photos of their daughter at Christmas and took none of the son.

ACynicalDad · 07/10/2024 16:20

I tell my kids that the other one is the favourite, they know I'm kidding, I have a youngest like you say, but the others have great attributes I love to bits too.

Stompythedinosaur · 07/10/2024 16:25

Realising you have a favourite must be tough, but it's a situation you have a degree of control over. The answer is to spend more 1:1 time with your other dc to strengthen your bond.

Goldenbear · 07/10/2024 16:27

RaspberryBeretxx · 07/10/2024 16:17

I dont have a favourite but my first will always have an extra special place as the one I did it all “first” with. It might also be because there’s a big age gap so I feel a bit nostalgic about dc1.

I have lots of beautiful memories with my first and we had so many adventures together but my second a DD, 4 years later was equally adorable toddler that had an ethereal nature and beauty about her that complimented her interests which were similar to mine as a little girl, she was quite shy and as a result she liked to do lots of things with me not other children as a result we had/have a really strong bond.

DreadingWinter · 07/10/2024 16:37

I definitely don't have a favourite. I love them for being their own unique selves. One was a nightmare baby and child, one a nightmare teen, one was just a screamer as a baby, but as adults I'm equally proud of all three.

Blusterydaytodaypoohbear · 07/10/2024 16:38

Ime it's because the youngest just hasn't given you as much bother. Yet.
Give them time...
They all catch up.

Mairzydotes · 07/10/2024 16:47

I bet it's very common to have a favourite child. Some parents don't manage to hide the fact.

Hatty65 · 07/10/2024 16:52

I love mine in different ways for different reasons. I don't have a favourite.

The youngest claims he's my favourite - and his siblings would probably agree because 'he's the baby'. If I'm honest he is the one I struggle with most. He's hard work, volatile and teenage. He's the one I have to work 'hardest' to love.

The others are much easier personalities, and were - even as teenagers - much less trouble than the youngest one.

Original poster

toyotatallula · 07/10/2024 17:30

I should say my youngest is actually 14. He's not a toddler but he's a lovable as one. All the other three were much more independent at this stage. He still loves a cuddle from mum and dad and he still enjoys an aul board game with us.

I should also say they all think they are either mine
Or dad's favourite. We deny obviously and everyone is treated the same.

Maybe with the youngest it's like a pp said. I've realised he is the last baby. The last kiddy cuddles.

Anyway don't panic I'm not treating him differently and sending three emotionally scarred terrors into the world. Thanks x

OP posts:

HorsePeopleAreStablePeople · 07/10/2024 18:04

toyotatallula · 07/10/2024 17:30

I should say my youngest is actually 14. He's not a toddler but he's a lovable as one. All the other three were much more independent at this stage. He still loves a cuddle from mum and dad and he still enjoys an aul board game with us.

I should also say they all think they are either mine
Or dad's favourite. We deny obviously and everyone is treated the same.

Maybe with the youngest it's like a pp said. I've realised he is the last baby. The last kiddy cuddles.

Anyway don't panic I'm not treating him differently and sending three emotionally scarred terrors into the world. Thanks x

This is a very balanced reply to some of the shit people have come out with, I'm impressed! I would have told them to fuck off 😂

HorsePeopleAreStablePeople · 07/10/2024 18:06

Purposefullyporous · 07/10/2024 16:11

I wouldn't phrase it like that. And I don't think you should either... but of course it's normal to have slightly different feelings and relationships with your kids as they are all different people. Especially as they get older it may turn out you have more in common and get on better with particular children. It also varies at different stages of life.
Don't frame it as 'having a favourite' you don't really have a favourite. I assume you love all your children deeply. I certainly do. But at various points you will end up feeling more warmly towards one or bonding with one over something in particular or whatever.. that's normal coz as I said they are all individuals and you relate differently to different individuals.
As long as you take care to always treat your ALL kids fairly and lovingly it's perfectly normal to get on with them in different ways or admire them for different qualities etc
Please don't go round saying one is the favourite tho.. that's not true. He just has a quality you admire that the others don't but I can guarantee you there will be things about them you come to admire that your other son might not possess.

Could you be any more patronising? The OP doesn't need you telling her what she really thinks or feels or that what she says isn't actually true.

Lulubellamozarella · 07/10/2024 18:12

No, I honestly don't. Both my DD are gorgeous amazing people but very different from one another. I have things about each of them that I adore and have special feelings for each of them that differ to how I feel about their sibling. I have a close bond with my eldest DD. My first born, my son, died at birth so when she came along she filled that hole in my heart. When I divorced her Dad it was just us for a while and it became me and her against the world so we are close because of that period of my life. But my youngest DD is my baby and I adore her and she is special to me because all of my 'last times' have been because of her. I will never go through those things with another child as she is my last one so she has been special to me.

But I don't love either any more than the other or secretly favour one over the other. I just love them completely but differently, if that makes any sense. 😂

Honourspren · 07/10/2024 18:15

I love mine both, but definitely have a favourite, but who that is changes, depending on how much they piss me off 😂

Mine are like chalk and cheese. Both intelligent, but that is where their similarities end.

One is timid, obedient, creative and interested in languages, mostly serious (and tries too hard on jokes), thoughtful, anxious, caring.

The other is confident, a rebel at heart, mathematically and scientifically able, funny, thougtless, mostly brave and can be selfish at times.

They have different biological fathers, different sexes and have had different starts to life, though, so who knows how much is nature and how much nurture. And how much simple birth order.

They get treated differently because they need different things from me. But both get loved the same.

FuckoffeeBeforeCoffee · 07/10/2024 18:57

My toddler is much easier, and in general, I like him more than his 8 year old brother.

But, I feel like my eldest has a special place in my heart that no one can touch.

But, I definitely like the toddler more these days!

CatherinedeBourgh · 07/10/2024 19:06

I genuinely can't relate to this. They are both utterly lovely and infuriating in equal measures. I couldn't begin to choose between them.

CherryBlossomArt · 07/10/2024 19:10

YABU

DogClub · 07/10/2024 20:22

I'd feel awful if I had a favourite child. My mum has a favourite and it was very damaging to the favourite, the rest of us and our relationships.

I have a son and daughter, adult and teen, they're quite different in some ways and have needed different parenting on some things, but they both know they are loved and liked equally. They have a lovely relationship with each other and I think that comes from healthy parenting with no favouritism.