Insisting on boyfriend joining nights out

[Sunnydaze22]

A group of old work friends I am part of (6 of us) meet up a couple of times a year for food or a catch up.

Since the end of last year one of the group started inviting their boyfriend along. At first it was for a meal with four of us. He barely said a word apart from to talk to his partner, despite many attempts to include him in the convo. I thought he must of been shy.

A few months ago we had a larger night out where he was there again. I tried several times to talk to him but he literally ignored me, and honestly made me feel really uncomfortable

We are due to meet next month for food, and a catch up. And the first thing my friend posted was - "I'll only come if my boyfriend can come".

I haven't replied yet, but honestly don't want to spend another night with him.

Am I being off for thinking this is strange behaviour and likewise none of the other five of us have ever invited or suggested having our partners come along.

I need to decide whether to go and just try and focus on the others or again like a few months ago come up with an excuse not to go and miss out on seeing my other friends.

How do the others in the group feel about it? Maybe stress that it's just a girls night out. Just a thought maybe he is controlling and doesn't like her going out on her own. It would be a a shame for you to stop going.

It is strange OP.
If i were you I would reiterate that it is girls night only. The fact that he ignores you tells me he is only there to keep her in check. Sounds like a right paranoid twat to be honest. Your friend should ditch him if that's the case. Eugh i can't stand controlling men.

I would personally say something along the lines of being surprised he wants to join her, given that when he has accompanied her he’s made no effort to join in the conversation and doesn’t seem to want to be there.

But I would also privately talk to the others and see how they feel about it. It’s totally unreasonable for her to try to demand he be included when she is literally all he has in common with the rest of you and it so fundamentally changes the dynamic.

Od be trying to steer the chat to why she doesn't want to come without him and whether he's pressuring her to not go it alone. If it's a change in behaviour for her, it's more likely to be abusive than loving.

I would respond and say that you would prefer it if the evening remained just a girls' night out, and so you will give it a miss this time. Hopefully, one of the others will then back you up!
Fwiw, I would find this extremely irritating!

I would talk privately to the others first if I could. If they're all happy for him to tag along then go with the flow I suppose. But if they're all in agreement with you, then someone has to politely say "it's just us women only, no fellas I'm afraid. If you don't fancy coming on your own no problem, we'll catch up another time".

I feel a bit uncomfortable saying to others as they may tell her. And I don't want to fall out with anyone.

The main Organiser is a lot closer with her than I am.

Well if he tags along for a third time, me being me would be tempted to sarcastically ask him if he doesn't have any friends of his own to go out with. I'm past the age of giving a fuck for controlling dicks like this!

^^this

I would post back. Are we not doing girls nights out anymore? See what comes back

I kind of said that at the last time we met. He had no friends at this large event.

What made really uncomfortable was at the bar it was just us and I tried making small talk - he literally just glared at me and looked the other way.

Sounds like he’s controlling. Doesn’t want her going out without him watching over what she’s doing. Well I would say “it’s not a couples night, it’s for people from our friendship group.”

Was she with him previously or has this just started a year ago when they got together? I’d assume he’s controlling and doesn’t want her going out on her own, which is a worry.

I’d chat to her separately and ask directly what’s going on and is she ok because it’s weird especially when he doesn’t appear to really want to be sociable when he comes along.

Then the main organiser can go on double dates with her if she so chooses.

But if you don’t say something, he will definitely be there, the dynamic will still be uncomfortable and you’ll just be sitting there frustrated.

Can you put something like “I was hoping it would be just us because there is something I need to talk to you about and it would feel awkward with him along”? The down side is that you then have to come up with something.

Why is it assumed he is controlling and not the gf?

Probably because it’s a known pattern in cases of domestic abuse that the partner starts inserting themselves into the person’s social life, insisting on being present at all events so the person doesn’t get to talk privately with their friends, and ultimately isolating them as - unsurprisingly - not everyone is prepared to have their group dynamic changed in this way.

Now, it may be that this person is just so insecure that their whole identity is now being in a couple. It happens. But there is no harm in making sure that she’s OK and not in an abusive relationship.

Why is it assumed he is controlling and not the gf?

That may be, in which case it's just as bad if she's one of those women who can't go anywhere without a man glued to her side.

This is one of those situations where the first person brave enough to say “actually I’d prefer it if it was just the girls/ex-colleagues this time” or something along those lines will get the full support of the rest of the group, who are all thinking the same thing.

Juts say it.

“Let’s just keep this one as a women’s night out,” and see how that goes down?

If he isn’t interacting and is basically there to monitor her social life, the red flags are many and various. I wouldn’t want him sitting like the ghoul at the feast either.

Because it’s a well-trodden path of abusers to insert themselves in their girlfriends’ social lives to police their interactions and separate them from their social support systems.

This ⬆️ I would put a jokey sort of reply on saying ‘Really? He didn’t seem to enjoy our girls night out last time. He barely said two words together’

She has been in two long term relationships before in the time I've known her and they never were invited to anything.

When they started dating she stopped drinking on nights out and started going home after a couple of hours or even less

I would reply:

“oh that’s a shame. No worries, we’ll see you another time!”

Let her exclude herself

I think when she posted " I'll only come if my boyfriend can come " it was an ideal opportunity to ask her why. To try and open up a general discussion amongst you all about the situation. Seems kinder than going to the other members of the group and discussing her and her boyfriend behind her back.
It doesn't have to become personal against the guy: just pointing out that a man being present in an all woman outing changes the dynamics of the evening. Negates the reason for the outing in the first place .I.e. women to enjoy each other's company.

Of course women are never ever controlling, we don't see examples of that on here daily

But people will come up with some back story that makes him Ghengis Khan

Just say you don't want him there