Insisting on boyfriend joining nights out

[Sunnydaze22]

A group of old work friends I am part of (6 of us) meet up a couple of times a year for food or a catch up.

Since the end of last year one of the group started inviting their boyfriend along. At first it was for a meal with four of us. He barely said a word apart from to talk to his partner, despite many attempts to include him in the convo. I thought he must of been shy.

A few months ago we had a larger night out where he was there again. I tried several times to talk to him but he literally ignored me, and honestly made me feel really uncomfortable

We are due to meet next month for food, and a catch up. And the first thing my friend posted was - "I'll only come if my boyfriend can come".

I haven't replied yet, but honestly don't want to spend another night with him.

Am I being off for thinking this is strange behaviour and likewise none of the other five of us have ever invited or suggested having our partners come along.

I need to decide whether to go and just try and focus on the others or again like a few months ago come up with an excuse not to go and miss out on seeing my other friends.

He sounds like a controlling prick and the fact that he makes no effort to get to know any of you and just glares at you hints that he is there to police her behaviour.
I would be trying to get her on her own, or get the other girl who knows her better, to try and have a word about the safety of this relationship.

100% this. He should not be invited. She should not be inviting him.

I would say something like is everyone bringing boyfriends? I haven’t asked mine, thought it was a girls night only?

see what the others come back with and hopefully they chime in with me too, girls night out etc

If you care about her then speak to the main organiser and see if she can gently raise some concerns because it sounds like she's in a controlling relationship

If he'd come along, respected the vibe and been polite at the least, it might have worked. I don't think you can actually veto him coming without a huge stink, and you might end up being resented for it.

Is it just you he is being weird with?

If you know that one of the other women is also uncomfortable with him being there, you can form a united front - you don't want to be the scapegoat.

"We've decided that this is a girls' night, and so it's bf-free. We can organise another meet-up with partners another time."

I'd probably just go this time (because I'm non confrontational 🙈) but be the organiser next time and if she says the same thing, just say, 'sorry this one's a girls night.'

I think you should tell the others this. It’s not speaking out of turn - his behaviour is out of order, and I agree, it sounds like she is in a coercive relationship. Doesn’t sound like he likes/approves of you. Maybe she’s told him some of the things you’ve done and he thinks you’re a bad influence so he’s there to keep an eye on you 🤷🏼‍♀️

Can you quietly ask if she’s ok? Sounds like he’s controlling..

DP used to have a friend like this, turns out her husband was abusive and didn't trust her to go out without him, so the only way she could ever go out and see her friends is if he came too.

DP used to beg me to come along to in order to keep him occupied, and I didn't mind doing it sometimes, but it wasn't exactly a fun night for me, as he was a complete bell-end even before we found out about the abuse.

I think you're fair enough to tell your friend he can't come @Sunnydaze22, but try and keep the lines of communication open in other ways, she's likely to need your support.

I’d say, “ok but next time I’d love to have a girls night like we used to! Maybe we can do a Christmas night out?”

my dh tends to be controlling and before kids (when I had a social life!) it was curiously hard to resist his demands to come along to social events he really had no place being. He just sat there, waiting until I was ready to go home, he was mostly polite but he didn’t engage. I remember once he turned up to my work leaving do, it was so awkward. If I did resist he would badger me with questions about who I’d be with, when I’d be home, what I’d be eating and drinking and then message me all night by text and calling. Eventually he calmed down, but mostly because I adjusted my behaviour so as not to trigger him. I lost a lot of friends, and I’m sad about that.

If your friend is in the situation, she may struggle to acknowledge it. Be kind to her.

Because she's not the one insisting she comes along on HIS nights out and she has never brought previous boyfriends to a girls' night but he seems to be a permanent fixture on theirs. FFS.

mostly because I adjusted my behaviour so as not to trigger him

That is unbelievably sad. It’s not your job not to trigger controlling behaviour, it’s his job to get over it.

He definitely sounds controlling

Invite all the partners, encourage the men to "split off", including him, and then try and have a word with her in private.

May need to enlist your partner to keep him busy (and monitor his behaviour, see if he keeps trying to get back to her, says things etc)

Not often I will side with "abusive man obviously" but in this case...

It's her nights out that he's coming on, not her going with him (he probably doesn't even go out with his mates because she'd be alone)
He doesn't make any attempt to talk to her friends - if she was controlling she'd berate him for this because it's embarrassing her
She's never brought a BF along before so it's a sudden change in behaviour

Not meaning to de-rail the thread but why @NaanAnaan whrn you recognised how controlling your DH was did you go on and have children with him?

Ask innocently "Shall we all bring our partners now?" In the group chat. Also add that you would like to discuss some very female problems with your friends and the bf might find it a bit "too much". And then just do that if he shows up. Talk about childbirth explicitly and how the parts changes etc. Heavy periods or menopause ? Enlighten the lad since he really wants to come to a girls night out.

Maybe I am off base, but if he is behaving openly like that how controlling is he behind closed doors.

He has the gall to be so rude? That doesn't bode well. For contrast my partner would occasionally offer to pick me and my mates up in his way home after his shift. He has offered course been at bigger events and got on like a house on fire, because regardless of small talk they have me in common so it's not exactly hard to manage a social interaction?

I can't imagine bringing someone and watching them being rude to my friends. He wouldn't be the boyfriend long.

But he's the one inserting on her social life in these circumstances so it's normal here to assume he's the one controlling. If she's inserting herself into his time out with friends all the time then I'd say she's the controlling one. It's all about context really

I wouldn't say anything.
Let her bring him but sit away from him and dont interact with him, that should be easy with 6 of you (him being 7)
I certainly wouldn't entertain some bloke who glared at me and turned away when I spoke to him.
I'd be bright and breezy with the rest of the group.

It is weird behaviour.
I would be concerned he is controlling her, she is only "allowed" to go if he comes type of thing

'Janet, is there something going on we should know about? You've been bringing Brian along to our get togethers and he blanks us even to the point of ignoring me when I have directly spoken to him? We all look forward to seeing you but he is making it very awkward by his presence. Why can't you come by yourself like you used to? None of us being our partners because we all want to catch up with each other!'

I imagine the boyfriend comes along as he can't trust her and thinks a group of single women will misbehave 🙄🙄🙄

The insinuation he is the catalyst for this is a bit weird. Yes he could be controlling or equally she could be just a limpet who cannot go anywhere without 'her man' but she doesnt actually have to turn up to any of these events so if he was controlling all she has to do is not go and not mention it to him.

This

I second this. I’d say

‘Hi friend, I really value girls time with you all - Really happy to skip this one if you guys want to make it a couples thing - and look forward to joining in next time! Xxx

This is an awful situation. I have a couple of friends who bring their partners out, because they genuinely don't like to be apart... and you can tell, because they're warm and loving and the partner thinks he's part of the group and gets involved.

It doesn't sound like this in your friends case. At best, she brings him along for safety (maybe something happened her that she hasn't disclosed to the group?). I suspect he's being controlling though. I would kill him with kindness... because he's just looking for an opportunity to call you out as being awful, so she doesn't have to go out with you again.

I've seen it a few times. I think you need to tred delicately if you don't want to lose her. I would gently reply 'oh I was hoping it could be just us girls for once' and see how she replies.