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Original poster

Insisting on boyfriend joining nights out

78 replies

Sunnydaze22 · 07/10/2024 09:06

A group of old work friends I am part of (6 of us) meet up a couple of times a year for food or a catch up.

Since the end of last year one of the group started inviting their boyfriend along. At first it was for a meal with four of us. He barely said a word apart from to talk to his partner, despite many attempts to include him in the convo. I thought he must of been shy.

A few months ago we had a larger night out where he was there again. I tried several times to talk to him but he literally ignored me, and honestly made me feel really uncomfortable

We are due to meet next month for food, and a catch up. And the first thing my friend posted was - "I'll only come if my boyfriend can come".

I haven't replied yet, but honestly don't want to spend another night with him.

Am I being off for thinking this is strange behaviour and likewise none of the other five of us have ever invited or suggested having our partners come along.

I need to decide whether to go and just try and focus on the others or again like a few months ago come up with an excuse not to go and miss out on seeing my other friends.

OP posts:
BettyBardMacDonald · 07/10/2024 11:27

Attelina · 07/10/2024 11:11

'Janet, is there something going on we should know about? You've been bringing Brian along to our get togethers and he blanks us even to the point of ignoring me when I have directly spoken to him? We all look forward to seeing you but he is making it very awkward by his presence. Why can't you come by yourself like you used to? None of us being our partners because we all want to catch up with each other!'

I imagine the boyfriend comes along as he can't trust her and thinks a group of single women will misbehave 🙄🙄🙄

This is good.

Him sitting there blanking you like he's some fucking security guard is intolerable. I would not subject myself to that and I'd tell her why.

JHound · 07/10/2024 11:27

Sunnydaze22 · 07/10/2024 09:06

A group of old work friends I am part of (6 of us) meet up a couple of times a year for food or a catch up.

Since the end of last year one of the group started inviting their boyfriend along. At first it was for a meal with four of us. He barely said a word apart from to talk to his partner, despite many attempts to include him in the convo. I thought he must of been shy.

A few months ago we had a larger night out where he was there again. I tried several times to talk to him but he literally ignored me, and honestly made me feel really uncomfortable

We are due to meet next month for food, and a catch up. And the first thing my friend posted was - "I'll only come if my boyfriend can come".

I haven't replied yet, but honestly don't want to spend another night with him.

Am I being off for thinking this is strange behaviour and likewise none of the other five of us have ever invited or suggested having our partners come along.

I need to decide whether to go and just try and focus on the others or again like a few months ago come up with an excuse not to go and miss out on seeing my other friends.

People who cannot do anything without their partner are so pathetic to me. I would exclude them both.

MoveToParis · 07/10/2024 11:32

FeedingThem · 07/10/2024 09:22

Od be trying to steer the chat to why she doesn't want to come without him and whether he's pressuring her to not go it alone. If it's a change in behaviour for her, it's more likely to be abusive than loving.

This.
think about why she might say it:

  1. He’s controlling
  2. She has terrible anxiety
  3. Othet reasons
but none of them are good and a friend would create a space where she can talk about it.

Don’t piss him off because it’s just given ammunition to an abuser. (If that’s what’s happening.)

DadJoke · 07/10/2024 11:48

I think a really good friend of hers could talk to her about her bf coming along outside of the context of this gathering.

As PP said, it's possible they are co-dependent, or she wants him to come, but he might be controlling, and she either doesn't see it, or is accepting of it, and that's more important (for her at least) than this gathering.

mixigoc176 · 07/10/2024 11:59

I'd go ahead, but scheme with the other girls to get her alone in the toilets away from him to have a conversation about whether she's OK.

I wouldn't message her stuff - he might be reading her phone.

I wouldn't take any action about cooling the friendship etc without first doing everything to make sure she's not in a bad place.

PullTheBricksDown · 07/10/2024 12:06

Actually, looking at this bit again

And the first thing my friend posted was - "I'll only come if my boyfriend can come".

Are you sure no one else has raised it with her? Because this sounds like the response of someone expecting this to be a problem, as if someone has already mentioned that they didn't like it.

AllHisCaterpillarFriends · 07/10/2024 12:13

NaanAnaan · 07/10/2024 10:33

I’d say, “ok but next time I’d love to have a girls night like we used to! Maybe we can do a Christmas night out?”

my dh tends to be controlling and before kids (when I had a social life!) it was curiously hard to resist his demands to come along to social events he really had no place being. He just sat there, waiting until I was ready to go home, he was mostly polite but he didn’t engage. I remember once he turned up to my work leaving do, it was so awkward. If I did resist he would badger me with questions about who I’d be with, when I’d be home, what I’d be eating and drinking and then message me all night by text and calling. Eventually he calmed down, but mostly because I adjusted my behaviour so as not to trigger him. I lost a lot of friends, and I’m sad about that.

If your friend is in the situation, she may struggle to acknowledge it. Be kind to her.

@NaanAnaan

You know that is right don't you? Your husband is abusive.

Things are likely to get worse as your children grow up as they won't change to keep him happy.

Please seek support

SallyWD · 07/10/2024 12:17

I find it very, very odd, these people that only want to socialise with their partners. Sometimes? Yes fine. But every single time - no! You're friends with her, not her partner!
I'd find it very easy to say you fancy a girls night. Don't mention him specifically, just "Wouldn't it be nice to have a girls night this time?"

whiteroseredrose · 07/10/2024 12:22

Frozenflake · 07/10/2024 10:02

I would say something like is everyone bringing boyfriends? I haven’t asked mine, thought it was a girls night only?

see what the others come back with and hopefully they chime in with me too, girls night out etc

I'd do this

Oblomov24 · 07/10/2024 12:22

I like leopard print response, so she's excludes herself.

MrsSkylerWhite · 07/10/2024 12:24

I’d be worrying about my friend. Can you have a private, gentle conversation with her?

HScully · 07/10/2024 12:30

It sounds like he's controlling, I would try to be sensitive as he might stop her coming and isolate her from friends.

Speak to the others privately about your concerns they might know more if they are closer to her

Soozikinzii · 07/10/2024 12:50

I have a friend who's in a relationship like this . Even had a 'Sten' party ie stag and hen together as if that's a thing - well I'd never heard of it . I just think it's really cotrolling and creepy. Perhaps have a 'do' where the initial message states just for work colleagues no partners as a bit of joke thing and see their response ?

Whothefuckdoesthat · 07/10/2024 12:58

I think that, whatever you do, you should think carefully how it will impact your group and whether you’ll be ok with that. Yes, he sounds dreadful; rude and obnoxious. But whether he’s controlling her, or whether she’s deciding that she doesn’t want to be apart from him for an evening, it sounds like she’s only available on a two for one deal at the moment.

You’ve talked about how the main organiser is much closer to her than you are and how you’re worrying that one of the others would tell her if you said anything to them. It doesn’t sound like the most rock solid friendship group, and something that could be easily splintered if you avoid going because of this man, or you fall out with her because she realises you don’t like him and other people feel obliged to either take sides or distance themselves from the group all together. Now that’s fine if you aren’t particularly bothered, but if you want things to carry on as they are, I think you should play the long game. Either kill him with kindness. ‘Brian, it’s so lovely to see you again, how have you been? Really pleased you could make it’ until he’d rather spend the evening repeatedly stubbing his toe than come out again. Or, say hello and then ignore him completely and concentrate on your other friends. Let someone else be at the centre of any argument.

Or, you could just reply with ‘Well it’s ok with me if it’s ok with everyone else, but are you sure he’ll want to? I didn’t think he liked us?’ And if everyone else goes very quiet, then you know that nobody is going to say it and that your choice is to either keep refusing invitations until the group either dissolves or splinters, or accept it and hope he gets fed up of tagging along.

Lurkingandlearning · 07/10/2024 13:50

Sunnydaze22 · 07/10/2024 09:49

She has been in two long term relationships before in the time I've known her and they never were invited to anything.

When they started dating she stopped drinking on nights out and started going home after a couple of hours or even less

That really looks like he’s controlling her. She needs as many friends as possible. Regardless of that, don’t miss out because of him. Go to the event and just don’t talk to him. If it looks like you are going to be stuck with sitting next to him ask the organiser to swap with you as you need to talk to x person about y subject.

StMarieforme · 07/10/2024 14:01

EngineEngineNumber9 · 07/10/2024 09:28

Sounds like he’s controlling. Doesn’t want her going out without him watching over what she’s doing. Well I would say “it’s not a couples night, it’s for people from our friendship group.”

My thoughts entirely. Does she need help?

jolies1 · 05/03/2025 01:57

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

OneFineDay13 · 05/03/2025 03:36

Scrunchie33 · 07/10/2024 10:15

I'd probably just go this time (because I'm non confrontational 🙈) but be the organiser next time and if she says the same thing, just say, 'sorry this one's a girls night.'

well that would be a big fat waste of time

FreeWave · 05/03/2025 03:49

Then let them all stay away.

Sceptical123 · 05/03/2025 04:00

This is a 🧟‍♂️ thread but I’d be interested to hear what the latest update is with the OP.

If it were me I’d have asked the friend why she wants him to come along. It’s not confrontational and would reveal a lot by her reaction.

I agree it sounds like she’s in a coercive relationship - unless it’s her who is the controlling one and won’t tolerate him being out of sight in the evenings. May explain his moodiness. He may well have to invite her along too. Tho I doubt it as she’s never done it before.

Yazzi · 05/03/2025 04:09

Sundaymondaytuesdayetc · 07/10/2024 09:50

I think when she posted " I'll only come if my boyfriend can come " it was an ideal opportunity to ask her why. To try and open up a general discussion amongst you all about the situation. Seems kinder than going to the other members of the group and discussing her and her boyfriend behind her back.
It doesn't have to become personal against the guy: just pointing out that a man being present in an all woman outing changes the dynamics of the evening. Negates the reason for the outing in the first place .I.e. women to enjoy each other's company.

Edited

I agree, to me the obvious reply is "why is that?" And go from there.

She may not be directly honest but it will give you a little more to go off. It's also polite and non confrontational but also a bit of a pushback.

Blondeshavemorefun · 05/03/2025 05:30

I would reply no worries , sorry you can’t make it this time

does he speak to the other girls or just not you @Sunnydaze22

HeyDrake · 05/03/2025 05:48

I think you risk isolating her more if you suggest that she doesn't come if she's bringing him. Something isn't right, you know that, can you try to talk to her privately about the relationship in general?

AFairDistance · 05/03/2025 06:59

Sunnydaze22 · 07/10/2024 09:23

I feel a bit uncomfortable saying to others as they may tell her. And I don't want to fall out with anyone.

The main Organiser is a lot closer with her than I am.

Well, you have two choices — speak up, or sit simmering with resentment in his presence.

BellissimoGecko · 05/03/2025 07:25

It sounds as if he is abusive. Tricky one. If you know her well enough, I'd message her and ask if everything is ok. Say she used to come alone to girls nights. Why does she want to bring her bf? See what she says.

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