To not want to go on Christmas light trail?

[Kamkoi]

It's a PIL one... .

Last year we went to a light trail in a forest an hour away with PIL and our toddler DS. To DH and I it was a bit of a disaster - it was busy, poor weather, very muddy underfoot, and even though DS had some interest in parts of it, he was quite grizzly and fed up.
In the car on the way home we said we wouldn't do it again next year!
This year DS has dropped his nap and is asleep for 7 usually. We suspect he will be good for nothing at 5pm when this begins, and will probably even fall asleep in the car on the way there and then be annoyed to be roused.

Now PIL want to go again and DH declined. They have taken this badly. We are stopping their new traditions and making memories with DGS. They are refusing to engage in any conversation about Christmas plans now.

We didn't really want to book anything too big at all- last year we booked loads with various family and friend groups and it was just too much and made December a slog, and DS was knackered. This year we wanted to keep things more low key and local. We felt there was a lot of pressure for events to be 'magical' when tickets were quite pricey!

Are we being unreasonable? Shall we just suck it up?

Say no. You can do such things with him and them when he is a bit older and less horrible in the evening. I had one like this and he has definitely improved 😁

Of course you’re not being unreasonable and the in laws can do something like a trip round a local garden centre in an afternoon and he would have more fun looking at the Xmas decorations and getting a cake in the cafe! A lot less expensive too!!
Stand your ground and say it will be lovely in a few years but for now low key is fine and less overwhelming too! It’s best for him and that’s what matters, not grown adults getting all butt hurt!

Went to one once and declared never again.

Be firm, pil it didn’t work for us ds was grizzly and grumpy and it upset the following day. This year he’s older it will impact his sleep schedule worse. We are not trying to spoil your traditions but this one really doesn’t work. Take a couple of days to process this and decide what you would like to do over Christmas then we can perhaps find a Father Christmas visit, maybe at the same place so you can enjoy hot chocolate or soup in the forest during the day instead.

They are making this about them - not dgs. You are not making happy memories with a distressed, crying child. Ridiculous they can’t see this.

Why can't PIL take him on their own and deal with the fallout? 😁

I went to one once (Windsor park) and crikey it was crap. Mooching around on dark damp paths for 30 mins.

Well done for saying this isn't the best idea. Is there an alternative day time thing close to home they can be invited to come along to?

You can't teach them that they can turn a no into a yes by having a tantrum.

Tell them it's no for this year or the reasons you've given but when your child is a bit older he might want them to take him.

I quite like our local light trail but its 20mins down the road and my kids are teens. I think doing it with an over tired toddler would push me over the edge.

I think they need to accept your reasons. You know best for your son. But I'd try and arrange something else they can do with him to "make menories". What about a trip to see Santa, or something like that? I'd show willing and arrange something he'd enjoy.

Let them take him and have him for a sleepover. Easy

Absolutely fine to say no but I would offer a counter offer like a panto or something and probably go for a daytime/ending early evening situation.

Suggest a few different age appropriate options instead. Your son is not a toy to be wheeled out for Christmas entertainment - he is a small human being with needs of his own. I would have no tolerance for this.

Yes they can enjoy Christmas activities with him - no they must never make him cry/feel uncomfortable/ sad just to suit them!! honesty such selfish entitled behaviour.

Those suggesting they make counter offer have you missed the part of the OP where she states that they are now refusing to engage in any conversation about Christmas plans. They seem to be have a big old sulk and employing the silent treatment to try and make OP and her DH feel guilty rather than responding in an adult way to their disappointment and finding a compromise. The most I'd be tempted to do (or for DH to do) would be to say we can maybe look at a daytime alternative if you want to call us to discuss and leave it in their hands rather than go pandering to them when they are behaving like this.

You hold firm and put your child’s needs first.

You draw a line in the sand. Your child comes first, their thoughts on what makes Christmas memorable at the very bottom of the list.

Leave them to stew. They are adults for heavens sake.

If you don’t put some boundaries in now regarding your son’s comfort and safety, then you can expect to raise a child that is a people pleaser and puts his own needs and feelings last.

They will continue to assume that their wishes are prioritised, and continue to make unreasonable demands of you and your child. This is much bigger than the Christmas trail.

I’m on the fence here. I do think it’s a bit sad, they wanted to do this special thing with ds every Christmas. I know grandparents who’ve done the Santa train each year for example. Also, they’re his grandparents, and you’re putting their Christmas outing in the category of ‘lots of different things with different people in December’. As he grows up, ds could always remember going to the light trail with his grandparents.

I also had one toddler who couldn’t cope at all with a late night though and can see that it would have been a nightmare.

Is there any way to make it more toddler friendly / manageable?

Stand your ground, otherwise you will be sucked into doing it every year.

Or just say he’s too young for it and suggest something else? And suggest that next year he’ll be ready for the light trail?

i agree that they need to think about ds’ needs here, but I do also think that ds might have lovely memories when he gets older even if he doesn’t get as much out of it as a toddler.

Why is their outing more important than a toddlers comfort and well being?

These things are always awful. Overpriced for what is essentially a load of glorified fairy lights. Always trying to sell light wands and plastic tat to kids who are like magpies for it. Went to one once, never again. YANBU!

I took my teen last year and I said never again!

It’s expensive, it poured down with rain, they wanted to whizz around as quickly as possible and we didn’t get our money’s worth.

So I don’t blame you at all. I don’t see why your in laws have to be so sensitive.

DH and I went to one last year (Windsor) and really enjoyed it. I could imagine it being a bit hellish with a toddler though!

Could you offer a more toddler friendly alternative? I took my little nephew to the local farm park to see reindeers last year, that was really nice

Obviously YANBU! There are some kids who are fine with doing anything at any time (the sort that can stay up late on holiday and it doesn't affect them etc.) but for many kids, their bedtime and wind down routine is important and it would be miserable for everyone to try and override it, especially for something so unimportant. When DC was that age we simply declined anything that took place past his bedtime. With friends who now have similar aged kids, we make sure whatever we organise fits around their bedtime and naps, or it doesn't happen. It's not hard. I always think as an adult would I be okay with someone forcing me to stay up past my bedtime for something I might not even be bothered about? No, it's not fair. Sleep is important.

Your family are making this about them and what they want and that's not acceptable, now they're throwing their toys out of the pram. The way you respond to this will set the tone moving forwards.

It's perfectly okay if they no longer want to discuss Christmas plans. You make your own, do what suits you, and if they change their mind and want to see you you can see whether you can fit in them visiting or including them into what you already have planned. Don't pander and go on this thing. Your kid's wellbeing and comfort is far more important.

Sounds like you have things sussed out realising you'd enjoy a more low key Christmas more. It's got absolutely out of hand over recent years. It's so fascinating watching how everything has to become a massive commercial event now. Christmas has to involve multiple ticketed events every year, not just a quick trip to see Santa in the shopping centre but a multi-hour event with a train ride and crafts and walks lol. Each to their own and it's fine if people like those things and can afford them but bear in mind you don't have to do everything every year. I saw the advice to do one special thing each year so it's special rather than becomes expected and boring. Baking cookies one year, elf on the shelf the next year, a light walk the next, you get the gist.

I think the tone of the replies here are quite depressing.

Obbiously you're not being unreasonable to decline a suggestion that really isn't going to be enjoyable for your DS. But how did you decline? Did you thank them for the offer, acknowledge how lovely it will be when he's a little older, and enthusiastically suggest an more suitable alternative or two? Or was it just a flat no? If it's the latter, then honestly I'm not surprised they are hurt to be relegated to the position of just another chore to be ticked off. They are his grandparents FFS!

Over the whole of the Christmas season it really doesn't seem much to let your child's grandparents take the lead on a little tradition that is clearly important to them, and will almost certainly become an enjoyable part of your DS's Christmas once he is a little older.

It seems unlikely that it went like this:

'OP, shall I get tickets for the lights walk this year?'
'no'
'oh, okay' crickets

'AIBU!?'

lol