To not want to go on Christmas light trail?

[Kamkoi]

It's a PIL one... .

Last year we went to a light trail in a forest an hour away with PIL and our toddler DS. To DH and I it was a bit of a disaster - it was busy, poor weather, very muddy underfoot, and even though DS had some interest in parts of it, he was quite grizzly and fed up.
In the car on the way home we said we wouldn't do it again next year!
This year DS has dropped his nap and is asleep for 7 usually. We suspect he will be good for nothing at 5pm when this begins, and will probably even fall asleep in the car on the way there and then be annoyed to be roused.

Now PIL want to go again and DH declined. They have taken this badly. We are stopping their new traditions and making memories with DGS. They are refusing to engage in any conversation about Christmas plans now.

We didn't really want to book anything too big at all- last year we booked loads with various family and friend groups and it was just too much and made December a slog, and DS was knackered. This year we wanted to keep things more low key and local. We felt there was a lot of pressure for events to be 'magical' when tickets were quite pricey!

Are we being unreasonable? Shall we just suck it up?

Absolutely this. If you can suggest an alternative activity I think that is lovely. If they decline, sod them.

Ha, as much as I think this would emphasize the point I wouldn't do that to DS!

It's not a special thing if the child doesn't enjoy it. The grandparents have to stop and listen to the actual expert on the child - his mother - and make a more appropriate plan.

It always seems such a British thing to be held to bedtimes and routines so stringently. I do appreciate all kids are different though as my current toddler has been last year and will go again. Does the light trail not have times slots in terms of arrival? The ones around us do and you can go as early as 4.45pm.

On one hand it is nice that they want to do special things with their grandchild but if the child doesn't enjoy it ultimately it is money down the drain. Why can they not do a breakfast with santa type experience instead or lunch? Often these are held at softplay centres or garden centres. You aren't saying they can't do a lights trail ever it just might be more suitable as they get older.

I agree with this - the ‘they are adults, tough’ comments are depressing. We are so un-family oriented as a nation now. Surely a compromise could be reached, when they are trying to make an effort (not doing would be wrong too).

I agree about light trails but there are other things you could suggest to your PILs instead in a nice way. I loved doing Christmas things with my grandmother and those memories are special now she has been gone 20 years. None involved a light trail or much expense.

You're not being unreasonable- we took my DS to one at the same age and he was tired, cold and found some of the more dramatic areas quite frightening (I think this depends on the display, but the one we went to was quite noisy and flashy in parts).

I can see why they might be a bit put out though depending on how your DH said it. If he said something along the lines of 'thanks so much for the invitation, but DS gets really upset at the moment if he's out past his bedtime. It'll be an absolutely lovely tradition for him but please can we wait until he's a bit older' then YANBU. But if he started saying how awful it was last year, or something like that, I can see why they might feel knocked back.

What I'd do now depends on what your relationship with them is usually like. If they're usually reasonable and you all have a good relationship, I'd assume that maybe your DH could have said it more tactfully and offer an olive branch.

The year after Christmas light-gate, my parents and I took DS for a local walk to look at the lights on people's houses, with the pushchair as backup for when he got tired. Went as soon as it got dark, so he was home in time for his bedtime routine and he loved it. Toddlers are easily impressed and don't need big paid events at this age. Could you suggest doing something like this, so a toddler version of a light walk, with a view to doing the real thing when he's a bit older and less crabby in the evenings?

On the other hand, if they're usually unreasonable, then I wouldn't bother and would let them have a sulk.

But definitely, you're right not to take DS if he's going to find it miserable. Some toddlers can cope with a late night, but for many, sticking to their bedtime and bedtime routine every night is essential!

It's only too common isn't it? All about them and not about the child.

They sound peevish and pathetic, especially if your husband said no in a polite way.

I'm sure OP would be willing to be flexible if it was something they and their child would actually enjoy.

I honestly can't see what the big fuss is. If my parents ask me and my son to do something and I don't want to I just politely say no thanks and that's that. There's no sulking or anxiety around it because we are all grown ups. They do the same with me if I suggest they join us on an outing and they don't fancy it.

Well I was going to say that maybe now he's a year older than last year he might enjoy it more.

But then you described your PILs' childish and petty reaction and to be honest that would make me not want to change my mind because it would be giving in to their tantrum.

I think some PP might be right about the delivery of this- we did suggest a local alternative but I did say about last December being too much. I could have been more grateful that they paid last year.

This wasn't the only thing with them, we had plans with them all but one weekend in December and half the November weekends too but they included other family members/extended family as well. This meant that along with our friendship groups, and things we did just as a 3 we had something on every Friday, Saturday and Sunday for 6 weeks. I think though I should have kept it just about this event but I think we were trying to be maybe too honest.

This December is more tricky too really as PIL are away one weekend and we have a weekend of kids parties already on another... we want to leave some downtime.
Thing is we are now trying to organise actual Christmas and we are getting silent treatment and 'whatever you want'.
We have been asking about a Christmas train and when they want to do 'xmas day' with DGC and get shrugs and huffs. I suspect they don't feel like a priority.

I think they have hurt feelings.

It’s not the most grown up way for them to be handling it, but I don’t think it’s more sinister than that.

I guess your dc were the kind who were fine when tired. Personally I'd spare everyone's misery listening to a grizzling toddler. More children are horrid when tired. Those who are bouncing around smiling at 9pm are fortunately more rare.

We love our local Xmas light trail and go every year (DC 5 and 2, but both of them are fine being up late for occasional events and we aren't rigid about bedtime) but if you/DC didn't enjoy it then there's no point in wasting money on it again. Their reaction does seem disproportionate but I'm sure it'll relax in time. There must be some other Xmas activity you could all do together so maybe have a look and suggest something else. They are probably just feeling a bit hurt and feeling like it's personal, not just that the activity wasn't right.

I would take this opportunity to set the precedent that you arrange activities and invite them to whichever ones you'd like them to attend. If they are going to be childish, just say you're booking a train today and if they'd like to come, let you know by this afternoon. Once tickets are booked there won't be availability nearer the time. As seems to happen a lot with grandparents, they have forgotten what life is like with small children or feel that they would have been happy with it, so you should too. Stand your ground now or this will be an annual issue.

The way to make it more toddler friendly is for the grandparents to choose a different event to attend. The OP is not withholding her child from them over Christmas, they GPs need to be flexible.

Okay, now I've seen your update I think you could have handled the messaging a bit better,nI guess in their minds last year set the tone for future Christmases and now they feel they are missing out compared to what they were led to expect. They're being childish and ridiculous about it though.

Worth noting that in 5 of the 6 years I've parented I took have resolved to have a lower key Christmas, but in practice it's been extremely difficult to achieve. There is just so much going on. I just think it's inevitably a very hectic time with young children. So unless you are extremely determined and don't mind putting noses out of joint, I think you do have to accept it's an exhausting month... or maybe I'm a soft touch.

This. Why do PILs act like sulky kids themselves?🙄

As a MIL, we’ve never spent any Christmas with our adult DS’s once they had partners and children. We live some distance away and one DIL always spends Xmas day with mum and Boxing Day with dad since her parents got divorced many years ago. Her mum is quite ‘demanding’ so we tend to go with the flow and see them at other times in the year. I know she appreciates this approach.

The other son works a lot over the Christmas period so it’s more difficult for him to get many days off in a row. I’d love to be with any of my grandchildren at Christmas obviously, but not if it’s going to cause difficulties for my adult children. I’d much rather be seen as a supportive parent/grandparent than a demanding one.

OP, I really think you need to stay home much more during the festive period this year and try to reset expectations all around. They’ll possibly sulk a bit initially but hopefully, they’ll be more accommodating in the future and you’ve got many more years ahead of negotiating expectations…!

its a shame
its only one evening

IMO you’re right to leave it for now, if your ds is going to be too tired to enjoy it.

We went to one at Blenheim Palace a few years ago - Gds (then maybe 4) - always charging along like a human hurricane - managed to slip and fall literally full-face down in the mud!!

Something that starts at 5pm with a traipse around and then longish drive home is too late for a toddler. Just reiterate you aren't trying to be difficult and if they can find an event that starts earlier in the day say between 10 and 1 or whatever you are more than happy.

Say he's too young and suggest a trip to see Father Christmas at a local National Trust place. You can go in the morning, have a mince pie and run around. Lovely photo op for the grandparents, and it feels more wholesome as it's free (or used to be!) with no crap gift etc. Ours loved it.
The big light evening outings are better for primary school age.

Your child your life your choice could you agree to something else christmassy and more suitable for all of you. Fwiw those light trails are over priced rubbish.

Yuck. We did this many years. The last straw was my final pregnancy and I was so knackered I had to sit down half hour at the end. I said never again. Stick to your guns OP.