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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Husband not letting me txt friends partner

85 replies

Westcoastlass · 05/10/2024 21:32

My friend turns 40 this month so i text her partner asking if he is arranging a surprise party? As he mentioned before he was.
I was out with my husband and kids today after dinner i seen i had a few messages from him asking advice on what to buy her, giving me a date for her party, letting me know whos coming. I text back saying brilliant xx i let my husband know and basically its 9.15pm Saturday night and he has spent the last 2 hours amgry , saying i should not have text him, he should let us know.. saying because i put a kiss at the end he will get the wrong idea. He sent 4 or 5 messages and i sent a 1 word reply but my husband thinks rather than my reply saying brilliant i shoukd have just replied "ok" i have spent 2 hours crying as i feel like he is dictating who i text and what i say. Hes saying theres something fishy going ok, when i accused him of being a bully and dictator he said im welcome to him . I burst out crying i didnt know where to tur n or who to turn to i felt like jumping off a bridge. Im in my daughters bed and i am.shaking like a leaf i cant stop crying . This couple we are both friends with thete is 100% nothing going on i genuinely just wanted to find out if my frined was having a birthday party but my husband is saying im taking it all the wrong way, its because he has sent me 5 messages back and might send me a few in the run up with times or venue change or asking advice or a gift he might not or he may text my husband about it as we are all friends, i get he doesnt want him texting me loads but i am.not in a habit of texting him.or any other males at all. i dont think i have done anything wrong i have spent the evening in tears he did apologise for shouting but then keeps saying i should not have text him and why do i even have to know when the party is i should have just left it? Saying hes not going to the party i can go myself so now i am even more upset and i dont think he is sorry at all. Hr went up stairs and said he cant be in the same room as me i cant sleep i dont know who to turn to i cant stop crying . Am i in the wrong?

OP posts:

Thfrog · 05/10/2024 21:32

Oh dear me. I'm so sorry. Your husband is a controlling arse.

Gymmum82 · 05/10/2024 21:34

Your husband is a twat.

SoNiceToComeHomeTo · 05/10/2024 21:34

Oh God this is awful. Is he normally so jealous?

cuddlebear · 05/10/2024 21:34

Your husband is an abusive Wankbadger.

Do you have children together? What’s your financial/housing situation?

PonyPatter44 · 05/10/2024 21:49

There is something wrong with your husband. He is not wired up right. However, I'm a bit concerned that you didn't feel able to just tell him to stop being an idiot, and instead you wanted to jump off a bridge and you've been crying for hours. Does he often behave like this towards you and make you feel awful? What would happen if you told him to stop being such an utter moron?

Original poster

Westcoastlass · 05/10/2024 21:58

I have been telling him my point of view i even got angry at 1 point and told him he is being a dictator and bully but he said i.am not seeing his point of view, he says sorry for upsetting me but then continues to say i should not be asking if he is orgonising a party for my friend, dictates how i should have replied, saying sending "xx" at the end will be giving him the wrong idea- i send xx to everyone and i have never ever given him this impression as my husband knows i am not interested in any other men. I lovehim so much & i am devastated he thinks this of me and doesnt see how much he has affected me tonight- he said i have hurt him just as much?

OP posts:

StSwithinsDay · 05/10/2024 21:58

I burst out crying i didnt know where to tur n or who to turn to i felt like jumping off a bridge. Im in my daughters bed and i am.shaking like a leaf i cant stop crying

How old is your daughter?
And this is a huge over-reaction - thinking about killing yourself??

yeesh · 05/10/2024 22:02

Your husband is an abusive cunt

bitsalty · 05/10/2024 22:03

Westcoastlass · 05/10/2024 21:58

He doesn't have a valid point of view so stop listening to his bullshit. You've done absolutely nothing wrong at all and this is all on your husband.
Has he been jealous and possessive before?

Please be careful in case this escalates.

Original poster

Westcoastlass · 05/10/2024 22:03

Yes we have kids, mortgage together . I dont want to split up i just dont know what to do or who to turn to or how to get him to see my point of view - we could have had a nice Saturday night but instead he has got angry and i have spent the night crying over something trivial but he does not think it is trivial i just dont understand how he can listen to me cry for hours and not care -possible adhd so maybe lacks empathy?????

OP posts:

Chickadoo · 05/10/2024 22:03

Your reaction is more over the top than his.

Thfrog · 05/10/2024 22:04

Westcoastlass · 05/10/2024 22:03

Don't make excuses for him. Have a look at the woman's aid website when it is safe to do so

2chocolateoranges · 05/10/2024 22:04

Personally if my dh acted like this I’d be telling him to either get a grip and apologise or fuck off.

is he insecure?
has he ever cheated?
is he always his controlling?

I’ve text my friends dh and there is not a thing in it.

samanthablues · 05/10/2024 22:05

yeesh · 05/10/2024 22:02

Your husband is an abusive cunt

This.

Original poster

Westcoastlass · 05/10/2024 22:05

Sorry i didnt mean kill myself i would not do that i just felt overwhelmed and dodnt know where to turn or who to turn to- run away from the situation would have been a better figure of speach but i would rather not be in this position at all i was not thinkingclearly and needed to know if i was in the wrong

OP posts:

Falsenegative · 05/10/2024 22:08

You’ve done absolutely nothing wrong.

Is there a back story here? Is he often having a go at you for reasons he’s invented?

SoNiceToComeHomeTo · 05/10/2024 22:10

Westcoastlass · 05/10/2024 22:05

You're not in the wrong to text a friend's husband in this way. Everyone puts kisses at the end of texts and it means nothing. You've had a big shock and need to take a bit of time to recover before making any decisions. Settle down for the night wherever feels safe and comfortable and have another think in the morning. xx

CharlotteByrde · 05/10/2024 22:10

You must know perfectly well you're not in the wrong. You need to try and stop being upset and get angry. Not throwing things angry, just cold hard rage. Tell him coldly and firmly that he is being both irrational and verbally abusive and if he can't get a grip of himself he can fuck off elsewhere.

RoseLattice · 05/10/2024 22:11

Tell him you won’t be engaging with him on this issue any further and that he needs to start therapy to address his insecurities. If he refuses that is on him but it is not on you to cope with or resolve.

WhimsicalMoth · 05/10/2024 22:15

There's so many questions to ask here.
Is this the first time he's reacted like this to something?
Is he generally a jealous or insecure man?
Is there other things that have happened similar to lead up to this reaction from you?
Do you have any male friends, does he allow this ?
Does he have female friends ?
Could he possibly be cheating or have cheated in the past, and therefore projecting his guilt and behaviour onto you?

This may seem like a huge overreaction to some posters, however we don't know if things have lead up to this, and OP just hit breaking point. Or if it's an isolated incident, in which case, I'd say it was a bit over the top.

I do hope you're okay, and that you can speak about this maturely with him and decide what steps to take next.

Original poster

Westcoastlass · 05/10/2024 22:17

Is there a back story here? Is he often having a go at you for reasons he’s invented?Last week, we were supposed to have time together in bed and i fell asleep. The next day he wasnt very talkative by text during the day. I had a really busy day just make the kids chicken nuggets, chips, veg and when he came in at 5pm i was up to my eyes in the house, 4 kids , he was not happy at all that he had no dinner- said i was leaving him out on purpose, in future he will get his own dinner. Told me to get out the kitchen he wanted peace and quiet so therefore aftwe arguing with him and crying begging him to see my point of view i ended up having no dinner because i couldnt get back in the kitchen- he did apologise hours later and weve been great thursday friday then Saturday during the day all was good till i told him i that we have a party to go to soon !

OP posts:

BananaSpanner · 05/10/2024 22:18

Calm down for a start. Devastation, jumping off bridges, shaking is all very extreme and not proportionate to the situation.

Stop apologising because you’ve not done anything wrong. If he is hurt that is his problem. You are playing into his hands with your reaction, just don’t indulge him. Stand up for yourself calmly allow him to make the next move.

The only thing I would say…I can’t lie, if I was texting a friends husband, I probably wouldn’t put a x at the end of the message just to avoid misinterpretation by anyone that might see it.

SeriousFaffing · 05/10/2024 22:19

Your husband is a knob and I’m sorry to say that I’d actually be questioning whether he’s the one who is having the affair.

DinaofCloud9 · 05/10/2024 22:20

Stop being so dramatic over your husband being a tit. He's being pathetic but you really need to calm down.

AllProperTeaIsTheft · 05/10/2024 22:21

Your reaction should be to be angry with him, not crying and begging. Stand your ground and explain to him that he is being paranoid and controlling, and that you will not put up with it.

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