Husband not letting me txt friends partner

[Westcoastlass]

My friend turns 40 this month so i text her partner asking if he is arranging a surprise party? As he mentioned before he was.
I was out with my husband and kids today after dinner i seen i had a few messages from him asking advice on what to buy her, giving me a date for her party, letting me know whos coming. I text back saying brilliant xx i let my husband know and basically its 9.15pm Saturday night and he has spent the last 2 hours amgry , saying i should not have text him, he should let us know.. saying because i put a kiss at the end he will get the wrong idea. He sent 4 or 5 messages and i sent a 1 word reply but my husband thinks rather than my reply saying brilliant i shoukd have just replied "ok" i have spent 2 hours crying as i feel like he is dictating who i text and what i say. Hes saying theres something fishy going ok, when i accused him of being a bully and dictator he said im welcome to him . I burst out crying i didnt know where to tur n or who to turn to i felt like jumping off a bridge. Im in my daughters bed and i am.shaking like a leaf i cant stop crying . This couple we are both friends with thete is 100% nothing going on i genuinely just wanted to find out if my frined was having a birthday party but my husband is saying im taking it all the wrong way, its because he has sent me 5 messages back and might send me a few in the run up with times or venue change or asking advice or a gift he might not or he may text my husband about it as we are all friends, i get he doesnt want him texting me loads but i am.not in a habit of texting him.or any other males at all. i dont think i have done anything wrong i have spent the evening in tears he did apologise for shouting but then keeps saying i should not have text him and why do i even have to know when the party is i should have just left it? Saying hes not going to the party i can go myself so now i am even more upset and i dont think he is sorry at all. Hr went up stairs and said he cant be in the same room as me i cant sleep i dont know who to turn to i cant stop crying . Am i in the wrong?

No, it really isn't.

How old are you OP? I’d start planning how to leave this horrible environment. Do you honestly think any of this is remotely healthy? And is this what you want your kids to see as a normal relationship? He will not change, he will get worse. Where do you draw the line? Soon he’ll be checking your messages with your female friends too.

He doesn’t get to ‘let’ you do anything.

He’s not the boss.

You need to take control. I have male friends who text me with jokes, cartoons and chat. My dp isn't keen but I take no notice and he keeps quiet about it. I wouldn't let him control me.

Your husband is a cunt.
Don't let him upset you, carry on texting to find out more information if you want, go to the party alone you will have more fun.
Don't ever let him see you upset again like this, you have played right into his hands giving him what he wants, which is to make you sad, make you do what he wants and make himself in control of everything, he's probably in bed now very smug that he's making you feel shit.
Personally I'd ask him to leave in the morning, people who love you don't make you feel like he's mad you feel.

If you’re at the begging end of a relationship then it’s time to leave. You love him more than he loves you and he is picking fights for petty reasons. Stop crying and start planning your exit. He may be texting people himself so he sees bad in innocent actions. Stay strong x

What's this crying and begging him to see your point of view? Tell him to fuck right off and you carry on doing what's right for you.

Instead of begging him for hours to see your point of view, a perfectly acceptable response to his nonsense is “ok”.

This absolutely nails it. I reckon he loves making you cry. Twat

He sounds gross and my money says he's a cheating scum bag.

He's a controlling abusive arsehole. 4 kids and he's kicking off that his dinner isn't ready when he gets home and then bans you from the kitchen

Fuck him he's not worth being with

Your husband is an insecure controlling twat. There is more than one man in my life who I am not related to and I text regularly. My husband gives no shits about it because he trusts me.

Really think this is just the tip of the iceberg with your reaction. He has got you so you don’t know if you’re coming or going. You need to realise this is not a healthy power dymanic. Contact women’s aid this would be classed emotional abuse. Him kicking you out of the kitchen, the thing is you did it. Just be aware financially you have eyes on your finances, just be prepared if this behaviour is new or just got worse might be things happening in the background. Stop being this passive women start sticking up for yourself.

Your husband sounds a total bell end and you sound extremely dramatic so not a good mix. You really should of handled this very differently when he started kicking off with you , you know deep down you e done nothing wrong and you shouldn't be explaining yourself to him

Unless he rethinks his attitude in a massive way you need to tell him he's an arsehole. A friendly correspondence to arrange your best friends party, with a couple of kisses at the end.
Fucking hell. He needs to get a life. You don't deserve someone controlling and paranoid like that. I'd say sayonara personally.

What gets me is the trying to make you feel guilty, saying you’ve hurt him - because you asked a friend’s husband if he was organising a party. The absolute piece of shit. This is so manipulative. Anyone can say “oh you’ve hurt me too” but if it’s because of something ridiculous and banal, they are choosing it. He might as well say he’s hurt because you said good morning to the postman.@

And if the other bloke got the wrong idea because of xxxs (which 90% of people sprinkle everywhere, so what? You're not going to shag him, he's not going to shag you.

Your partner is worried you'll look like you aren't his possession. What an arsehole. But you need to lose sad and find anger, "how dare you? I have never cheated and wouldn't and you know it. Stop being a dick".

Just came on here to say; the OP's reaction isn't an over reaction & she isn't just 'being silly'; when someone emotionally abuses you time and time again incidents like the one explained become extremely triggering. The crying, shaking & wanting to jump off a bridge are all a natural reaction to a prolonged cycle & experience of emotional abuse and manipulation by the perpetrator (her husband).

The 2 hour argument they had over two kisses at the end of a message just proves that the husband is unpredictable in his moods, the OP must be constantly walking on egg shells.

OP - How much longer can you live like this? This is not a loving marriage, he is a nasty awful abusive bully who is most likely texting other women. Please make plans to leave, for your children if anything. Xx

All the people calling OP"s reactions silly or an overreaction. Stop being so ignorant and/or nasty. She is being emotionally abused by her husband. It is extremely obvious and is also obvious this is far from the first time. HE has pushed her to this and has done so with malicious intent. He wanted her in this state and went at it until she reached it. You are assisting her abuser by mentally undemining her. If she had refused to cry, he would have upped the ante until she did. Because this type of abuser always does. Tell them to "fuck off you....whatever" on top, as has been suggested by some, is an excellent way to turn an emotional abuser violent. Are some that thick or are they just sick.

OP. Get help and soon.
It sounds like you are so far gone that you've lost who you were before he shaped you into what you are now. A ball of emotions who no longer knows which way is up. It probably isn't constant, so you think it's ok, that you are overreacting or imagining things but the truth is you are not. His behaviour is how you ended up at this place and you know what's the worst part? He fucking well knows he is doing it. It's how it is. He is nice. He sees you breathe a silent of relief and bang, off he goes with the next incident. The next incident where he picks a random innocent thing to go at you over until you cry. It keeps you on your toes. Keeps him in control. This is the "walking on eggshells" part because deep down you know it's coming and you're trying everything to avoid it. You can't avoid it. You can never be good enough. Because he wants it. He wants the chance to turn your brain inside out with nonsensical arguments and accusations.
He is always on the look out for tiny things to use as an excuse to kick off. That's how he gets the control he craves.

Google "DARVO". Read it. When you are reading it, be honest with yourself. Don't minimise.
Then find an online copy of "Why Does He Do That?" By Lundy Bancroft. Google it and hit the internet archive link to download it for free as a pdf.

Don't keep ignoring it after it all calms down. It will never stop. It will never lessen. He will never mellow. Only you can stop it. Be secretive. Be careful.

You need to stop reacting. Tell him you will txt friends husband regarding party planning and that's the end of it. If he rants let him rant just don't involve yourself. You are not responsible for his moods.

If he's annoyed you didn't cook dinner, apologise and say you ran out of time. If he demands you leave the kitchen either say that's fine you were leaving anyway or say I'm doing x and y then I'll be leaving to do z. Feel free to cook while I'm here.

I do think leave the kisses out of texts as it's can come across a bit too much to SOME people. But if you both are very close and you want to find out about your friends party I don't see why messaging him is an issue, especially as it's a surprise party you can't exactly ask her!

Your husband is an asshole and with the best will in the world, you need to toughen up.
Tell him he’s being unnecessarily paranoid and really quite childish which is something you’re not prepared to tolerate. I
’d be seriously reconsidering this relationship if I were you, because you hit the nail on the head in your first post.. he IS dictating to you and being a controlling partner is about as far from attractive as you can get! Good luck.

Two hours of shouting and a night of sulking over an innocuous text.

A day of sulking and denying you food because you were too tired for sex.

OP, this is abuse.

When you can do so safely, you need to contact Women's Aid and the police.

This is a crime.

His behaviour is extreme, and it will get even worse.

You are already damaged, if it carries on you will be broken. If it carries on it will also break your children. If you can't act for yourself, act for them.

i just dont understand how he can listen to me cry for hours and not care -possible adhd so maybe lacks empathy?????

You said you are in your daughter’s bed. Is she there too? If he can hear you from another room you must be keeping her awake. Calm down, drink some water and go to bed.

Unless you think he might physically assault you.

I agree with PP your reaction seems a bit extreme. Is that because this is the latest incident in a history of abuse and your fear has been building? Or is your reaction shock as he’s never treated you this way before?

If it is the former, call Women’s Aid tomorrow and get you and your children away from him as soon as possible.

If it’s new behaviour then talk to him when you are both calm and explain how you feel and that it is unacceptable to tell you who you can and can’t text.

Is it possible he has noticed that the friend you texted is attracted to you and you haven’t? That would not be an excuse for your DHs behaviour but it might explain his ridiculous insecurity. Something else that is unacceptable.

Crikey, your husband sounds like a guy I dated (and stupidly moved in with) in my early 20's. Hideous abusive relationship. His behaviour is disgusting. You shouldn't be walking on eggshells and left feeling like that. He knows exactly what he's doing and wants to keep you in line. Be wary. x