To not want to go to the airport 3 hours before?

[JennaRink]

Since we started dating he has always been strict about time keeping. Was always very early to our dates and he's on the spectrum.

We are going for a long weekend next week, the flight is 2 hours. He says he wants to go 3 hours before the flight.

I don't want to do this. I haven't come from a family that spent 3 hours in the airport and I never go earlier than 2. I see it as a waste of time.

But it seems ridiculous not to go together. On the other hand, why should I agree to go at his time?

I travel a lot, anywhere between 8 - 12 international trips a year for work & pleasure.

I love airports. I like to be early. My favourite part is when we're through security & all is well & we have enough time to browse duty free / bookshop / get any last bits in boots & then get a coffee & cake or lunch / dinner & a glass of bubbles or wine. It's absolutely the start of the trip for me.

I love sitting with dh, if we're travelling together, & feeling relaxed & happy & full of excitement for the holiday ahead.

I have to say from reading all your comments I don't think you two sound compatible at all, I'm sorry to say. You sound impatient & rigid in your opposition to his 'rigidity'.

Anyway I think he's right to aim for 3 hours.

I don’t think ND has anything to do really do with this. There are 2 distinct types of people in the world… early arrives and late ones. Neither is wrong, but they can be incompatible. I hate it when people ask me what time they should leave for the airport. So much pressure! I usually start with “I’d rather be stupidly early than rush… so I would leave by X and will give me time to grab a drink and lunch”.

I’ve been flying in and out of Atlanta airport (busiest in the world) monthly this year. I allocate 3 hours for a 30 min drive and about 3-4 hours at the airport on top of that plus having the quickest pass for security. Even with that 5 hour cushion I’ve almost missed my plane twice this year, due to traffic and lines/delays.

So my airport perception is skewed. Ironically my little home airport is one of the quickest I’ve ever flown from and really only need to arrive about 45 min before.

It was his tone of voice that was severe.

She mentions in her OP that he is 'strict' about timekeeping, and that this is a different approach from the one she's used to.

Maybe this is the one thing about him that grinds her gears?
Maybe this is a straw/ camel's back thing in the relationship?
Maybe there are many compromises she can live with, items that don't matter either way. Maybe there are a few things in the past that were actually important to her, but she decided not to rock the boat and keep focused on the relationship, or getting a task accomplished.
Maybe at the back of her mind, she expected some reciprocity when something came up that was important to her, and it clearly didn't turn out that way.

Maybe deep down, she'd like a partner who is happy to put her first when something is important to her?

Maybe she's far enough into the relationship that she's noticing he's not going to budge on some things, and some of those things just happen to be important to her? In fact, she has stated she is concerned that compromise - or more accurately, giving in and doing things his way - on her part will become an expected response to him.

Then maybe you've been fortunate just winging it by arriving just 2 hours before. One day your luck might run out and there'll be a delay and you miss your flight.

Compromise sometimes means agreeing to something the other person wants, and maybe getting what you want another time, not necessarily trying to change what the other person wants.
My DH sometimes comes to see a musical with me and I go and see a rugby game with him. We don't battle over my musical and turn it into something neither of us are happy with.
OP DP wants to be three hours early. If he did not agree to 2.5 hours, OP can accept this and go with him, go herself a bit later, or break up with him. If options 1 or 2 are acceptable, then hopefully there will be times that DP will do something just for her. If, as she seems to be hinting, she always has to give in to his wants, then option 3 seems to be the way to go.

I'm female. I'm neurotypical, but I am much less stressed if I plan to get to the airport 3 hours before my flight.

My travel buddy is male. He's one of those people who thinks that if he gets to the train platform before the train comes in, he's got there too early.

When we started travelling together he found it really irritating that I needed to be at the airport early, and that I got stressed if we were meeting there and he was planning to get there 60-90 minutes before. But he adapted to me, because he recognised that it was the decent thing to do, and now he's fine with getting there earlier.

Fortunately he didn't see it as a man having to pander to a woman.

If it’s Birmingham airport you’d be bonkers to allow any less than three hours! Plenty of reports in the news about hour plus queues stretching outside due to understaffed security and people missing flights despite being there in plenty of time

2 hours is the latest you should get there. 3 hours is not unreasonable at all. Me and my partner have the same argument. We’ve always done it his way. This time we did it my way and he agreed it was much more relaxing. I can spend at least an hour in WH Smith’s 😂.

Question is when to be at the airport. Not when to leave for the airport. Noone can tell you when to leave for the airport as noone know where you live ... I'm saying it's perfectly fine to be AT the airport TWO hours before the flight. What exactly can delay you that much at the airport? Not to mention once you are at the airport, the staff always has flexibility for people who are at risk of missing their flights.

No wonder the airports are so full!

Could you treat yourselves to a Lounge pass so its not too busy for you ?

My exh was a last minute arriver at airports and the like. He’s never really changed. He also saw it as a sign of weakness to pre book seats or anything along those lines.

I hate being late. I prefer being there 3 hours before too. I took a flight on 7th July 2005 and if you ever travelled when something bad happens, you know how much easier/less stressful it is if you are there earlier.

Can you plan in a meal so you can sit and relax? I'd want to compromise at 2.5 hours.

Oh for goodness sake. You are on one tonight.
You sound really, really pleasant. Such a nice, understanding person.
Her other half is neurodivergent. What part of that don’t you understand? A little tolerance is needed.

I hate airports OP.

The duty free section with the bright lights and perfume spritzes everywhere makes me want to hurl. It’s awful and I try to race through it as fast as I can.

It’s a sensory overload. The bustling crowds I find overwhelming. Don’t get me wrong, I like Oxford street, I like concerts. But I hate airport crowds. There’s this strange tension which I find uncomfortable for some reason.

I don’t want to spend an extra minute in there unless I have to. Always do relieved when the gate shows.

I would compromise to 2.5h

Wtf should the OP give way to this man? She has boundaries, he wants to trample them.

Stand firm, @JennaRink because trust me if you give way to this it will be embedded in his mind that this is "how it is" from now on

I have 40 years of navigating living with a ND husband and daughter and trust me, it just gets worse.

How can you guarantee you’ll be there on time if you aim for 2 hours before? That’s what worries me! Unless you live really close / are staying on site.

We go by train / coach / car to two airports which are about an hour away and I always get the train / coach before the one that would get me there in time, just in case it’s cancelled. Not sure if insurance would pay out otherwise.

Is there a reason you’re singling me out when lots have given the same opinion? It’s not a pleasant, nice and understanding thing to do, so grow up.

Honestly the last couple of times I've been to the airport it's taken so long to get bags checked in that a 3hr window is not that far fetched.... At least if you are early you are not having to rush.....

Does he insist on always doing things hoses because he's on the spectrum? I mean, how often do you find yourself going along with what he wants / needs?

His way, not hoses

I'm a FF for work. I don't like hanging about airports at stupid o'clock in the morning so am great at getting there with as little time as possible to wait.

When I'm holidaying with DH however I get here as early as possible. 3, 3 and half hours sometimes 4 if we are going to the airline lounge.

Make it the start of your holiday. Grab a few drinks and some food and relax. It's literally just another hour where you can have another glass of wine! You aren't standing around like it's a bus station.

The worst that can happen is you convince him on the 2 hour thing and there's an unexpected delay, queues at security or bag drop and he's all 'I told you so' or you both end up stressing.

If you go with him on 3 hours and you both get bored or have to find things to pass the time you can maybe drop a hint. Checks watch... 'see I think it would have been fine for us to be arriving about now... '

It depends on the airport. For my local airport (Leeds Bradford) I never get there more than 2 hours in advance. It has no seats, a manky Burger King and a WhSmith and that's it. There is zero pleasure in arriving early. Last flight I arrived an hour before and that was more than enough time.

If I'm flying from Manchester I'd get there a bit earlier as it can take ages to get to the gate etc.

But he's not making you go 3 hours before - he's telling you that he is going at that time and you are free to do what you want. He's communicating with you not controlling you.

This isn't about the travel time, is it? Are you having other difficulties in the relationship?