To think whatever your social class, if you’ve got immature parents, the odds are stacked against you

[ThelmaKare]

Inspired by the thread that middle class children are more confident - I had a firmly muddle class upbringing - two university educated parents (Oxbridge) who both had top professional jobs.

However, if something wasn’t quite to her liking my mum couldn’t act like an adult. She had tantrums. meltdowns, also had a short stay in a psychiatric hospital.

As soon as she got home she headed straight for the drinks cabinet and was plastered through all my main school exams. My Dsd failed to confront her and just normalised her drunken antics - looked on indulgently and swept them under the carpet. My mum was at times violent towards me.

i had low self esteem - I was fat, miserable, aggressive svd violent in school and swore at the teachers. I was also severely bullied and humiliated. I got into sexual activity early. I massively underachieved at school and had no real friends.

After one of my mum’s violent episodes she’d often be remorseful next day and seek to explain her behaviour away using some lame reason.

My parents both very high achievers but terrible on a personal /emotional level.

Looking back also, my parents had no real, genuine friends.

So AIBU in thinking it’s not social class so but maturity of parents that’s important to a child’s confidence?

Yes agreed - they are separate

Ah my parents were involved practically but not emotionally

I definitely had the music lessons and pressure to do well academically, but also a plastered mother.

my mum also pressured me to be friends with a girl from a posh well educated background when I was 11 but we were a very poor fit on a personal level for each other.

We used to go on different type of holidays - I went to working class package holiday resorts - Thompson holidays - remember them? Are they still a thing ?

Anyway - my middle class ‘friends’ went on holiday either driving and camping around France with other middle class families or timeshares in Bavaria walking in the Black Forest.

well to use my fav ever meme - this is what I think of their precious, middle class holidays:

My unarguably middle class parents prized academic success to the exclusion of almost everything else, and meddled no end in our education. Still managed to completely neglect to pass on any emotional or social skills, or more that they didn’t really possess them to be able to pass them on. We either learned them from other people, or didn’t.

Oh gosh can relate to this so much ❤️

Where they were deficient, they didn't have the skills to pass on (not that they withheld them). Thank you, that makes it easier to digest.

Yes I agree. We were ok but struggling a little financially sometimes. I could always see areas where we couldn't have stuff because my parents just couldn't afford it.

However I've always felt privileged by how supported I was, emotionally and with school and how stable my upbringing was. I think having rich parents but an unstable or unsupported upbringing impacted my more well off friends far worse and stability is a privilege you shouldn't ignore.

Sounded like a good plan 🙌

It's odd that you are calling your Mum immature when abusive would be far more fitting. She was an abusive alcoholic who also suffered from serious mental health issues.

Thats an awful lot for any child to deal with. I hope you have managed to have a good life despite your so called parents. I can't imagine how difficult it was for you.

I think there are lots of parents who look good on paper but are bad parents.

Re a pp recommending the Phillipa Perry book, I'd recommend NOT reading it. It's awful smug nonsense.

I had two middle class parents , but I’ve only just come to realise how difficult my childhood was . My mum was very heavily involved in local politics , and a pillar of the community. But , she drank very heavily and our house was a hoarded tip . I grew up having visited lots of medieval castles , but with no idea how to tidy or clean , I also have no confidence.

I went to Oxford and I barely met anyone who wasn't neurodivergent in some way. Some coped really well, others had a really tough time with their MH.

Your DM sounds like she developed maladaptive coping mechanisms due to ND and never grew out of them.

Yes - thanks it was indeed very difficult

My mum was abusuce but I’ve read online that the cause of abuse is ultimately immaturity

OP were your grandparents from the Silent Generation? Often that age group, who entered their teens during the war, were being raised by stressed and traumatised adults. It’s just my opinion based on my own experience, but it was a time when parents didn’t really acknowledge strong emotions or teach kids about mental health. In fact, MH issues were often seen as moral failing.

This is not offered up as an excuse, just a slightly different perspective.

Ooh I do sympathise. I’ve seen some hoarded tip houses and kids have it difficult

Actually my parents were silent generation- born in 1930s

I voted YANBU because you are absolutely right that parents have a massive impact on a child's confidence and well being. It is much harder to form healthy attachments with an alcoholic/addict parent. It sounds like you had a rotten childhood. Social class, wealth and academic success mean nothing without stable and loving parents.

My mother has borderline personality disorder, was an alcoholic with depression. I also had a younger brother, so I became more like a carer for both of them. I consider myself to be an outwardly confident person but with low self esteem. I'm excellent at overcoming challenges, or getting through when times are hard but feel completely lost when things are going well. I think that has a lot to do with my upbringing and has impacted both bmy brother and I.

My mother had quite severe mental health issues when i was growing up. Now, she would receive a lot more help, but back in the 80’s mental health wasn't something discussed. My mum is definitely immature and makes everything about her. Its the way she’s always been. It hasnt stopped me achieving in life though. I moved 250 miles away in my early 20’s and a bit of distance helped. I’m a completely different mum to her. I don’t think it has to define you as a person, but it no doubt impacts you. Have you had any counselling?

Sorry you went through that OP. I had a very similar upbringing though thankfully my DM was not an alcoholic but a neglectful, abusive narcissist who took no interest in me whatsoever and a DSF who enabled her behaviour.

My DM was from a poor family but married into middle class with my DSF. I have 7 cousins on my DMs side who had similar upbringings emotionally, minus having money, going to a good school etc like I had. Most don’t work, had kids before leaving school, 1 had her kids taken off of her, 1 is in prison. I do wonder what my life would have been like without the financial advantage and the good school.

Also those saying its not immaturity clearly didn’t have a parent like this. Yes mental health is involved, but immaturity is without doubt present. I get this description completely.

I was raised by 2 middle class, well educated people but they weren't in a happy marriage, prioritised their own needs and my DM was raised abroad herself by expat parents so didn't really understand societal norms or teach me or my brothers how to be adults very well. We're a neurodivergent family - elder brother wasn't supported at all by my parents who were in denial and is now living an isolated existence in and out of psychiatric care.
I struggled when I was younger with eating disorders but to be honest I've done well. I managed to land a good graduate job which has been the bedrock of things for me and if anything my parents have taught me how not to parent!

I think you are absolutely right. Whether we call it maturity, mental health or something else, that lack of stability doesn't optimise child development. I would bet that at the root of your mother's mental health and stunted maturity is some sort of childhood trauma of her own. It's very hard to break the cycle but it sounds like your awarwess of the difficulties you faced will help you avoid similar pitfalls in life.

@Zanatdy , you are so right , my mum can be a complete child , she got angry because my sons possible induction was going to coincide with her town twinning trip

Hi I agree with PP that suggest your parents OP weren't just immature but had extra horrible behaviours as well/separately but alongside. [And as not mutually exclusive]

I'd like to recommend the book Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents" by Lindsay Gibson.

I had a naice MC childhood, no ostensible "actual" abuse, but continue to suffer from this immaturity which continues to manifest anyway. This book has been hugely helpful to me in my own healing process as well as understanding a lot more how and when to draw boundaries. Warning: may cause tears and rage!

Therapist seemed to approve of it as appropriate literature as well. I'm normally a reader rather than a listener but I got on very well with the audio version, personally.

Hope that helps anyone who has suffered or are suffering from what I feel can be a very subtle but extremely damaging behaviour x

I can resonate with many of these posts. My parents individually grew up in fairly well off households but ended up with working class jobs due to dyslexia and not being able to really apply themselves I would say. Yet certainly mum always had such pretentious ideas of where her children would end up and heaped a lot of guilt and shame upon us from an early age. But I would say the biggest impact on my life had been the emotional neglect it had been so difficult to learn how to love myself as I never saw any evidence of self love at home I just saw criticism and negativity, shame etc. And my mum has never wanted a close relationship with me which has again been v tough. I am the opposite with my kids and love them so much and show them all the time through actions and words. Very tough now my parents are eeaching the end of their lives, I have so many mixed emotions tbh.

I think I your parents may well have undiagnosed ND as well as mental illness.