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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Meeting other mums - rejection

94 replies

ANightingaleSang · 03/10/2024 06:57

Started going to some baby groups with DD. Met lots of lovely mums with children about the same age. I really enjoy the classes and feel like I'm building a good network of people. I live in a high cost of living area (it is the only place I can afford because of the discounted rent). The other mums I have met are all very intelligent and successful people: thinks doctors, lawyers, surgeons, high flying Londoners. They inspire me and seeing their success motivates me to study and do better for myself. All positive so far.

There is one mum who seems to have snubbed me and I'm not sure how to go forward from here as our paths will cross frequently. She seemed very friendly, and I thought we were getting on well. She bought me a coffee (she insisted), we talked for a long time, went for a walk. I enjoyed her company and thought we had got on great. We greeted each other at the class the following week, she seemed a bit off so I didn't push it. She was avoiding eye contact, and when she spoke gave me a very forced smile.

I arranged to meet up with a different mum this week after our usual class. Afterwards the mum who seems to have a problem with me asked 'does anyone want coffee?' (not looking at me when she said it). The mum I had planned to go out with said we going out and invited her and a 4th mum along - the more the merrier. So 4 of us went out. She then paid for the 4th mums drink, sat at a small table with her essential creating two groups. I couldn't help but think she was doing the same thing with this mum (ie. Being very friendly to work out if they were competition or friend material). Shortly after we sat down next to them with our drinks she excused herself. We stayed for an hour and a half and had a lovely time.

I sent her a message with some info about an event we had spoken about 2 weeks ago but she never replied. The thing that hurt the most was that I saw her role her eyes whilst my baby was getting some attention from the person leading the group.

I know it's not a big deal, you can't expect to get on with everyone. It's strange because I had thought we got on well. It feels like she was being nice only to try and suss me out and then decided I wasn't good enough to be her friend - so complete rejection. The trouble is our paths will inevitably cross, how do I go from here?

Ps. I've never been one of the girls and am clueless about how to deal with friendship drama so any advice would be appreciated.

YABU - you are being over sensitive
YANBU - she has made it clear she doesn't want to socialise with you

OP posts:
nootcoffee · 03/10/2024 07:06

Why didn’t you offer to buy her a coffee? Given she had bought you one

nootcoffee · 03/10/2024 07:07

Are you sure she was rolling your eyes about your baby?

ANightingaleSang · 03/10/2024 07:08

nootcoffee · 03/10/2024 07:06

Why didn’t you offer to buy her a coffee? Given she had bought you one

I did (and it is the second time I have offered) she rejected my offer both times and bought a different mum a coffee?

OP posts:
ANightingaleSang · 03/10/2024 07:09

nootcoffee · 03/10/2024 07:07

Are you sure she was rolling your eyes about your baby?

Can't be 100% sure of course but it wasn't subtle.

OP posts:
OolongTeaDrinker · 03/10/2024 07:11

She sounds a bit odd and not worth giving any headspace to; although I would now just be watching how she operates from afar, her behaviour actually sounds quite fascinating in an anthropological kind of way!

Stopandlook · 03/10/2024 07:12

She’s the one with the problem. Be yourself and rise above it, enjoy your other new friends. God knows what’s going on with her but don’t waste your energy on it

nootcoffee · 03/10/2024 07:14

Just focus on carving out relationships with the other mums

my advice though… do not mention your suspicions / views about this woman to any one else in the group though. That would just be gossip / bitching and they may be close to her

AylesBuck · 03/10/2024 07:14

Yes it’s annoying. But get used to it, when your child starts school it will be the same or worst. So simply don’t try too hard, don’t take it personally, ignore the mean ones, and spend your energy finding and investing your time on the nice ones (they do exist!).

nootcoffee · 03/10/2024 07:15

AylesBuck · 03/10/2024 07:14

Yes it’s annoying. But get used to it, when your child starts school it will be the same or worst. So simply don’t try too hard, don’t take it personally, ignore the mean ones, and spend your energy finding and investing your time on the nice ones (they do exist!).

not necessarily

I’ve been through primary with two and now in to secondary and never had any issues with any other parent

ANightingaleSang · 03/10/2024 07:15

OolongTeaDrinker · 03/10/2024 07:11

She sounds a bit odd and not worth giving any headspace to; although I would now just be watching how she operates from afar, her behaviour actually sounds quite fascinating in an anthropological kind of way!

First impressions were great, she was so friendly. But the last couple of times I have seen her her aura said back off. I've respected that and am trying not to take it personally.

OP posts:
Spinet · 03/10/2024 07:17

She sounds horrid! Distantly friendly is the only way to go. It's her not you so just behave in a completely unruffled way and you will begin to feel unruffled about it.

ClassicStripe · 03/10/2024 07:17

Maybe your baby is of above average intelligence?
Seriously, why would anyone roll their eyes at a baby getting attention.

ThisTimeNextWeekDavid · 03/10/2024 07:21

She went for a coffee with you to get to know you, to see if there was potential for a deeper friendship. There’s not (on her side) and that’s ok; can’t win them all.

Smile politely and move on.

AylesBuck · 03/10/2024 07:21

nootcoffee · 03/10/2024 07:15

not necessarily

I’ve been through primary with two and now in to secondary and never had any issues with any other parent

You’re right, it can go also smoothly with everyone. But I came across some proper bonkers parents, so it’s better to be ready for the worst. 😊

ANightingaleSang · 03/10/2024 07:23

ClassicStripe · 03/10/2024 07:17

Maybe your baby is of above average intelligence?
Seriously, why would anyone roll their eyes at a baby getting attention.

I don't think you can really guage intelligence at this stage, DD is just a baby. She's on the early side with some milestones but still in the normal range. I wouldn't be surprised if there is a competitive element though.

OP posts:
nootcoffee · 03/10/2024 07:23

AylesBuck · 03/10/2024 07:21

You’re right, it can go also smoothly with everyone. But I came across some proper bonkers parents, so it’s better to be ready for the worst. 😊

be ready
but don’t “expect”

Sologurn · 03/10/2024 07:23

AylesBuck · 03/10/2024 07:14

Yes it’s annoying. But get used to it, when your child starts school it will be the same or worst. So simply don’t try too hard, don’t take it personally, ignore the mean ones, and spend your energy finding and investing your time on the nice ones (they do exist!).

Not had this with any of my kids. It's not a given that there are cliques so maybe doesn't need to be told it's going to get worse like it's a fact

nootcoffee · 03/10/2024 07:24

ANightingaleSang · 03/10/2024 07:23

I don't think you can really guage intelligence at this stage, DD is just a baby. She's on the early side with some milestones but still in the normal range. I wouldn't be surprised if there is a competitive element though.

the PP was joking OP

ANightingaleSang · 03/10/2024 07:27

ThisTimeNextWeekDavid · 03/10/2024 07:21

She went for a coffee with you to get to know you, to see if there was potential for a deeper friendship. There’s not (on her side) and that’s ok; can’t win them all.

Smile politely and move on.

I think that's fair enough. It's strange that she gave no indication at the time but there you go. I'll probably keep my distance but keep the door open.

OP posts:
Outnumberedmummy2022 · 03/10/2024 07:27

ANightingaleSang · 03/10/2024 06:57

Started going to some baby groups with DD. Met lots of lovely mums with children about the same age. I really enjoy the classes and feel like I'm building a good network of people. I live in a high cost of living area (it is the only place I can afford because of the discounted rent). The other mums I have met are all very intelligent and successful people: thinks doctors, lawyers, surgeons, high flying Londoners. They inspire me and seeing their success motivates me to study and do better for myself. All positive so far.

There is one mum who seems to have snubbed me and I'm not sure how to go forward from here as our paths will cross frequently. She seemed very friendly, and I thought we were getting on well. She bought me a coffee (she insisted), we talked for a long time, went for a walk. I enjoyed her company and thought we had got on great. We greeted each other at the class the following week, she seemed a bit off so I didn't push it. She was avoiding eye contact, and when she spoke gave me a very forced smile.

I arranged to meet up with a different mum this week after our usual class. Afterwards the mum who seems to have a problem with me asked 'does anyone want coffee?' (not looking at me when she said it). The mum I had planned to go out with said we going out and invited her and a 4th mum along - the more the merrier. So 4 of us went out. She then paid for the 4th mums drink, sat at a small table with her essential creating two groups. I couldn't help but think she was doing the same thing with this mum (ie. Being very friendly to work out if they were competition or friend material). Shortly after we sat down next to them with our drinks she excused herself. We stayed for an hour and a half and had a lovely time.

I sent her a message with some info about an event we had spoken about 2 weeks ago but she never replied. The thing that hurt the most was that I saw her role her eyes whilst my baby was getting some attention from the person leading the group.

I know it's not a big deal, you can't expect to get on with everyone. It's strange because I had thought we got on well. It feels like she was being nice only to try and suss me out and then decided I wasn't good enough to be her friend - so complete rejection. The trouble is our paths will inevitably cross, how do I go from here?

Ps. I've never been one of the girls and am clueless about how to deal with friendship drama so any advice would be appreciated.

YABU - you are being over sensitive
YANBU - she has made it clear she doesn't want to socialise with you

Have you seen a programme called motherland? She sounds like a character called Amanda.

id recommend watching it and I think you’d feel abit better about the bitchyness.

thank goodness my 3 are old enough now and I don’t have to endure the dreaded mum cliques. You will make decent friends though OP. I’ve had a very good friend I met 14 years ago at a group and we are still close now.

ANightingaleSang · 03/10/2024 07:29

nootcoffee · 03/10/2024 07:24

the PP was joking OP

Oh ok. lol
I'm giving away how bad I am at reading social cues!!!
Maybe she was making it perfectly clear on her coffee date she didn't want to be friends while I was blissfully ignorant....

OP posts:
DoreenonTill8 · 03/10/2024 07:32

nootcoffee · 03/10/2024 07:24

the PP was joking OP

Agree, what do you mean by a 'competitive element' ? Do you find yourself watching her a lot? To see what she's doing and notice how her 'aura' is responding to you sounds like your a bit focused.
Maybe she's just exhausted or having a bad day as a mum of a baby?

TheYearOfSmallThings · 03/10/2024 07:36

You don't need to do anything or give this any further thought. This is just a random oddball you met at baby group and went for a coffee with - continue to be friendly with the other mums (and civil to this one) and as you get to know them better some will become friends and some won't.

GoldenSunflowers · 03/10/2024 07:36

Don’t waste energy on trying to work her out or “win her back”. She’s angling for the queen bee position, the king maker, who’s in, who’s out. Ignore and spend your energy with people who matter more and bring calm and joy.

nootcoffee · 03/10/2024 07:38

DoreenonTill8 · 03/10/2024 07:32

Agree, what do you mean by a 'competitive element' ? Do you find yourself watching her a lot? To see what she's doing and notice how her 'aura' is responding to you sounds like your a bit focused.
Maybe she's just exhausted or having a bad day as a mum of a baby?

quite telling that the op didn’t see the joke and went straight to the dark side!