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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Meeting other mums - rejection

94 replies

ANightingaleSang · 03/10/2024 06:57

Started going to some baby groups with DD. Met lots of lovely mums with children about the same age. I really enjoy the classes and feel like I'm building a good network of people. I live in a high cost of living area (it is the only place I can afford because of the discounted rent). The other mums I have met are all very intelligent and successful people: thinks doctors, lawyers, surgeons, high flying Londoners. They inspire me and seeing their success motivates me to study and do better for myself. All positive so far.

There is one mum who seems to have snubbed me and I'm not sure how to go forward from here as our paths will cross frequently. She seemed very friendly, and I thought we were getting on well. She bought me a coffee (she insisted), we talked for a long time, went for a walk. I enjoyed her company and thought we had got on great. We greeted each other at the class the following week, she seemed a bit off so I didn't push it. She was avoiding eye contact, and when she spoke gave me a very forced smile.

I arranged to meet up with a different mum this week after our usual class. Afterwards the mum who seems to have a problem with me asked 'does anyone want coffee?' (not looking at me when she said it). The mum I had planned to go out with said we going out and invited her and a 4th mum along - the more the merrier. So 4 of us went out. She then paid for the 4th mums drink, sat at a small table with her essential creating two groups. I couldn't help but think she was doing the same thing with this mum (ie. Being very friendly to work out if they were competition or friend material). Shortly after we sat down next to them with our drinks she excused herself. We stayed for an hour and a half and had a lovely time.

I sent her a message with some info about an event we had spoken about 2 weeks ago but she never replied. The thing that hurt the most was that I saw her role her eyes whilst my baby was getting some attention from the person leading the group.

I know it's not a big deal, you can't expect to get on with everyone. It's strange because I had thought we got on well. It feels like she was being nice only to try and suss me out and then decided I wasn't good enough to be her friend - so complete rejection. The trouble is our paths will inevitably cross, how do I go from here?

Ps. I've never been one of the girls and am clueless about how to deal with friendship drama so any advice would be appreciated.

YABU - you are being over sensitive
YANBU - she has made it clear she doesn't want to socialise with you

OP posts:
nootcoffee · 03/10/2024 09:44

ANightingaleSang · 03/10/2024 09:43

Ive got a great network of long term friends. Had no issues with the other mums. Never been part of the in-group at school but that's never bothered me.

Show quote history

In that case, don’t navel gaze about this one woman. She doesn’t seem to be particularly enthusiastic about a relationship with you, so just focus on the others. No biggie

Original poster
ANightingaleSang · 03/10/2024 09:45

nootcoffee · 03/10/2024 09:42

If she hadn’t suggested coffee to the group

would you have?

Honestly, i didn't think to as we had already made plans and had already felt like she was trying to maintain distance

OP posts:
Apollo365 · 03/10/2024 09:46

Sorry if it’s been said I haven’t RTFT. My close friend was normal one week then suffered massively with her MH due to post baby hormones. She was like a different person the next week. Some days she would be up and down and if you didn’t know she came across as a really cold person (she really wasn’t!). This person might just be an odd and nasty person, or she might be really struggling.

nootcoffee · 03/10/2024 09:51

ANightingaleSang · 03/10/2024 09:45

Honestly, i didn't think to as we had already made plans and had already felt like she was trying to maintain distance

Show quote history

so you wouldn’t have suggested coffee to the group on the basis you felt this one mum had been off with you?

Original poster
ANightingaleSang · 03/10/2024 09:57

nootcoffee · 03/10/2024 09:51

so you wouldn’t have suggested coffee to the group on the basis you felt this one mum had been off with you?

Show quote history

Honestly in that specific scenario it didn't come to mind as I had already made plans.

If I had invited people for coffee, then of course I would have included her. I don't think it's necessary to invite the whole group out for coffee every time.

OP posts:
nootcoffee · 03/10/2024 09:58

ANightingaleSang · 03/10/2024 09:57

Honestly in that specific scenario it didn't come to mind as I had already made plans.

If I had invited people for coffee, then of course I would have included her. I don't think it's necessary to invite the whole group out for coffee every time.

Show quote history

You had already made plans…. was that for coffee with the other mum?

nootcoffee · 03/10/2024 09:59

oh i don’t know why i even asked that

OP… you’re at the very start of your parenting journey

On the basis of this one…. once your baby starts nursery and then school… You’ll be starting threads left right and centre about perceived injustices

nootcoffee · 03/10/2024 09:59

all the best!

nootcoffee · 03/10/2024 10:00

To me this woman sounds sociable
and just didn’t hugely warm to you hence not seeking you out specifically

just leave it be

AgainandagainandagainSS · 03/10/2024 10:03

It all sounds petty, pathetic and immature, and everyone has far too much time on their hands to be organising a 'pecking order', judging each other and trying to be superior. Time to go back to work.

GoldenSunflowers · 03/10/2024 10:03

😂 ok, Kemi

bulb34 · 03/10/2024 10:05

ANightingaleSang · 03/10/2024 06:57

Started going to some baby groups with DD. Met lots of lovely mums with children about the same age. I really enjoy the classes and feel like I'm building a good network of people. I live in a high cost of living area (it is the only place I can afford because of the discounted rent). The other mums I have met are all very intelligent and successful people: thinks doctors, lawyers, surgeons, high flying Londoners. They inspire me and seeing their success motivates me to study and do better for myself. All positive so far.

There is one mum who seems to have snubbed me and I'm not sure how to go forward from here as our paths will cross frequently. She seemed very friendly, and I thought we were getting on well. She bought me a coffee (she insisted), we talked for a long time, went for a walk. I enjoyed her company and thought we had got on great. We greeted each other at the class the following week, she seemed a bit off so I didn't push it. She was avoiding eye contact, and when she spoke gave me a very forced smile.

I arranged to meet up with a different mum this week after our usual class. Afterwards the mum who seems to have a problem with me asked 'does anyone want coffee?' (not looking at me when she said it). The mum I had planned to go out with said we going out and invited her and a 4th mum along - the more the merrier. So 4 of us went out. She then paid for the 4th mums drink, sat at a small table with her essential creating two groups. I couldn't help but think she was doing the same thing with this mum (ie. Being very friendly to work out if they were competition or friend material). Shortly after we sat down next to them with our drinks she excused herself. We stayed for an hour and a half and had a lovely time.

I sent her a message with some info about an event we had spoken about 2 weeks ago but she never replied. The thing that hurt the most was that I saw her role her eyes whilst my baby was getting some attention from the person leading the group.

I know it's not a big deal, you can't expect to get on with everyone. It's strange because I had thought we got on well. It feels like she was being nice only to try and suss me out and then decided I wasn't good enough to be her friend - so complete rejection. The trouble is our paths will inevitably cross, how do I go from here?

Ps. I've never been one of the girls and am clueless about how to deal with friendship drama so any advice would be appreciated.

YABU - you are being over sensitive
YANBU - she has made it clear she doesn't want to socialise with you

Oh yes, I've had this. High status people love to exclude those they consider lower status from their networks.

Autumnowl · 03/10/2024 10:13

I've had 4dc go through the school system
There's going to be lots of mums who for whatever reason ,don't want to be friends ,don't want to chat to you ,but happily chat to others.
It's just how it is .
Two of my boys are autistic and despite throwing birthday parties every year ,they never got a single invite back .
But that's on them ,not me .
Just do your thing and let them do theirs
The only mistake your making is giving it headspace x

Spooks139 · 03/10/2024 10:44

Don’t give it any further headspace, you can’t win them all.

You know you haven’t done anything horrible to this woman so just let it be. Some people just don’t like people because they see them as a threat, whether that be to their place in a group, feel you’re more attractive, feel you have a stronger bond with your baby or cope better or something… the list is endless and 9/10 if there’s nothing you can pinpoint as being the issue then it’s nothing to do with you.

FranticFrankie · 03/10/2024 11:01

Queen bees. Or wannabe deputies- have come across them and so interesting to watch.
Take a deep breath- smile politely and keep going!!!

Original poster
ANightingaleSang · 03/10/2024 11:33

Thank you for the kind words and advice. This is unknown territory for me. Usually I would shrug it off and just accept we don't click, except for the fact I will be seeing this person at a least twice a week, so of course I want to keep it friendly. I think I'll just take a step back and stay neutral.

The thing that surprised me was how quickly she went from friendly to cold. I'm just not used to that, especially with no obvious trigger. As others have suggested, perhaps she has had a lot on her plate at the moment. I do think that is a generous take on it, but the world needs a bit more generosity and I'd rather think the best of someone that the worst and leave it at that

OP posts:
AlmondsAreGreat · 03/10/2024 11:35

You can’t please everyone and some people are, frankly, just arseholes. I wouldn’t give it headspace. Be polite and friendly but don’t worry about it.

HamHands · 03/10/2024 12:15

I talk to a lot of mums at various groups and classes. Some people click with you and others don't. I wouldn't ever let on to a mum that I didn't click with her though, I'd just stop proactively engaging with her. If a mum I didn't click with spoke to me on another day then I'd still chat to her.

So, this woman's behaviour in some ways seems normal to me. You wouldn't suddenly be cold to a mum while having coffee with her! That said, she seems really mean to be deliberately ignoring you and rolling her eyes at your baby! I hope for your sake she calms down a bit once she's found her people.

SuzieBishop · 03/10/2024 12:21

Being the way I am I would need to know so personally I would confront her - I had to do this recently with a girl in the office. People don't like being confronted, they don't expect it so when I asked her if there was anything wrong as she had been avoiding me she looked quite shocked and told me what the problem was. Now I absolutley HATE confrontation but its sorted now and its past.
Like you say your paths are going to cross a lot so better to get it done now. Yes its hard doing but take a deep breath and just do it and it'll be sorted before you know it.

sugarcrispies · 03/10/2024 12:27

As RuPaul said, other people’s opinions are none of my business. Some people are just like this, there’s no use trying to decipher them. The best thing for you to do is keep doing what is best for you and your baby, regardless of her presence. She doesn’t get to dictate your life.

PassingStranger · 03/10/2024 12:28

People are weird. Move on, don't give her all this attention in your head.
Don't text again either.
If your worrying about someone your not enjoying today are you?

Windsorlady · 03/10/2024 12:31

Yes love Motherland ...you will find some great mums and also not so great xxx have fun xxx

Sugarplummama · 03/10/2024 12:50

I get it OP

You’ve done nothing wrong but this mum has decided to cut you off and be nasty for no reason and you don’t understand why.

But trust me, long term this is best. I can already tell she’s the sort of judgemental bitchy mum that you don’t need in your circle.

QuiteCloseBy · 03/10/2024 12:52

Gently, OP, are you not around other people very much? This sounds entirely like any other situation where you meet someone, think you get on well, they don't feel the same, you say 'Oh, well' and get on with your life. You don't expend lots of mental energy wondering why they didn't like you when it seemed they did, or subsequently monitor their facial expressions for hostility to your baby. Are you usually this hyper-alert to other people's responses in a random public group where there are no threats? mean, if your baby was 'receiving attention' from the person running the group, why wouldn't you be focused on your baby, rather than scanning the facial expressions of the other adults present?

I mean, we don't know. Maybe this woman is not very nice. Or maybe she has a habit of trying people on for size and discarding the ones who don't interest her (which, in fairness, most people do, but possibly less obviously -- a few months I had a coffee with someone I'd met once previously and got on well with, but I simply didn't like her at all over coffee, and, despite her asking, I won't be seeing her again.)

I mean, I don't see why you're so outraged about it. Haven't you ever gone for an experimental coffee with someone and decided there was no potential for friendship there? Maybe this is what she's doing. I don't see the problem unless she's nakedly hostile to the rejects, which it doesn't sound as if she is.

NotbloodyGivingupYet · 03/10/2024 13:32

OP I get it. Thank god I'm past the school mums phase. I remember a friend of mine having a similar problem with another mum. Her strategy was to always greet the "cold" mum with a huge smile and a greeting as if she was meeting a long lost friend every time she met her. But never tried to draw her into conversation beyond the "Coldmum, so nice to see you how ARE you! " Other meaningless conversation filler, then turn and bring someone else into the conversation.
I mean it wouldn't be my approach but it was quite funny to watch. Coldmum didn't know how to react, and it somehow stopped her from splitting the mums into two groups.
Always include her in the getting and general chitchat. Never let her see you feel her rejection. Let your smile be your armour.

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