Meeting other mums - rejection

[ANightingaleSang]

Started going to some baby groups with DD. Met lots of lovely mums with children about the same age. I really enjoy the classes and feel like I'm building a good network of people. I live in a high cost of living area (it is the only place I can afford because of the discounted rent). The other mums I have met are all very intelligent and successful people: thinks doctors, lawyers, surgeons, high flying Londoners. They inspire me and seeing their success motivates me to study and do better for myself. All positive so far.

There is one mum who seems to have snubbed me and I'm not sure how to go forward from here as our paths will cross frequently. She seemed very friendly, and I thought we were getting on well. She bought me a coffee (she insisted), we talked for a long time, went for a walk. I enjoyed her company and thought we had got on great. We greeted each other at the class the following week, she seemed a bit off so I didn't push it. She was avoiding eye contact, and when she spoke gave me a very forced smile.

I arranged to meet up with a different mum this week after our usual class. Afterwards the mum who seems to have a problem with me asked 'does anyone want coffee?' (not looking at me when she said it). The mum I had planned to go out with said we going out and invited her and a 4th mum along - the more the merrier. So 4 of us went out. She then paid for the 4th mums drink, sat at a small table with her essential creating two groups. I couldn't help but think she was doing the same thing with this mum (ie. Being very friendly to work out if they were competition or friend material). Shortly after we sat down next to them with our drinks she excused herself. We stayed for an hour and a half and had a lovely time.

I sent her a message with some info about an event we had spoken about 2 weeks ago but she never replied. The thing that hurt the most was that I saw her role her eyes whilst my baby was getting some attention from the person leading the group.

I know it's not a big deal, you can't expect to get on with everyone. It's strange because I had thought we got on well. It feels like she was being nice only to try and suss me out and then decided I wasn't good enough to be her friend - so complete rejection. The trouble is our paths will inevitably cross, how do I go from here?

Ps. I've never been one of the girls and am clueless about how to deal with friendship drama so any advice would be appreciated.

YABU - you are being over sensitive
YANBU - she has made it clear she doesn't want to socialise with you

Hi, thanks for this. I think you make some good points. I am around people but I've never really had 'experimental coffees' with people, though I totally get it. It's not something I have ever needed to do. I don't feel outraged but deflated and a bit hurt as she was the mum I met after having my DD, and I thought we had got along really well - I certainly enjoyed her company. That's possibly why it stung so much that clearly she didn't feel the same way.

If, in her situation, I had felt that the friendship was going nowhere, I would have still made an effort to be polite and civil.

What you say about hyper-alert - maybe you have a point. I do tend to notice small details rather than the bigger picture. Always have, and something for me to think about. I wasn't scanning the room during the class, it was just one of those things, I happened to look that way when it happened.

I don't think she is a nasty person. I do think she selects her friends carefully; as you say, nothing inherently wrong with that. It just didn't feel great, that's all.

Welcome to the world of Mum friends! To be honest it doesn't get any better as the children get older. All you often have in common is that your kids just happen to be similar age. I'm not really friends with any of the Mums I met at Mums groups anymore. I'm friends with one nct Mum because we have similar interests. I'm also friends with one Mumfrom a group but that's because our boys are in the same class at nursery, really like playing with each other and we both happen to work for the same company. Apart from that my friends are people I've known for years or away from Mums groups.
I remember one lady who was at a Mums group. Never really gelled with her and then both our dds ended up.in the same class at school and are friends. I've really tried with this woman for the sake of our kids but we really aren't on the same wavelength and so just keep it on a saying hello level and have really basic conversations when seeing each other at birthday parties. You will find your dc will attend these groups for such a short space of time and then they will be at nursery/ pre school / school with a whole set of new people.

Love this!!! My mum did this with a colleague who had taken a dislike to her, they ended up good friends

I also didn't see that it was a "joke", there are all sorts of weirdos on Mumsnet so I thought the PP was serious about the baby being above average (some people are very competitive even in baby land).
Nootcoffee you come across as a bit aggressive in your approach to OP. You've posted more in this thread than the OP has!
OP, I often go for coffee with work colleagues and mum colleagues and have never (ever ever) had an 'experimental' coffee. Tbh it sounds like a coffee with weed lol! I am capable of sussing out other people and whether they are on the same wavelength when in a group. This lady sounds competitive and controlling from what you've posted. Sure, maybe she's also struggling but isolating people over coffee doesn't fit within that. And if you shout someone a coffee it's good manners to accept their shout when they offer.
Good luck OP. Hang in there, you're doing great xx

@YippyKiYay Thank you for your kind words. Since posting it has become even more clear to me what is going on.There has been a lot of general unpleasantness.

The reason I mentioned competitiveness is because quite frankly, she is! She compares my DD with hers consistently, especially with milestones, but even in discussions about the 'activities' she was doing (eg very expensive swimming course), parenting approaches, holidays, careers, people she knows/connections etc. there was a 'im better than you' undertone. At first I admired her (because I think women should support other women and celebrate each others successes) but instead I was starting to feel inferior, and bad about myself. Regardless of her motives, I think if someone makes you feel that way it's probably best to stop spending time with them.

Interestingly, I think people like that are often a lot more fragile than they let on. I wouldn't be surprised if behind the facade she is struggling to meet the high expectations that she has put on herself.

I think the insisting on buying someone a coffee on the first meeting is one of her attempts to gain control. I've seen her do the same thing with three people (including myself). It meant that every time I saw her I felt like I owed her something. Her declining my offers only dragged that feeling on. I don't feel that way now because I've offered several times and she's refused so I guess that's on her.

In other news I have making really good friends with some of the other mums and feel as though I am building a nice and supportive community. I guess this was just one of those learning experiences.

I'm not sure what @nootcoffee 's problem was, but I don't think anything I or anyone else says will change their opinion. 🤷

Even the most upwardly mobile professionals can struggle with parenthood. A whole different mindset and level of exhaustion from professional roles ( I speak from experience). You've no idea what may or may not be going on in her home, heart or head. Polished professional types always look like they are 'coping brilliantly'. Motherhood is hard and can make you have good days and dreadful ones. She may be struggling to balance her pre baby life with her professional one and her relationship, you just dont know.You arent walking in her shoes and you barely know her.
Honestly , it were me, I'd just get on with babies and other mums and if she returns to you as a friend, fine, if not, also fine. Just be the bigger person here. Not everyone can be a close friend. Continue to smile and engage in a friendly way and enjoy your baby.

I just went with the intention of if I spoke to people I did if I didn't fine, I did meet up with some afterwards bit all relaxed

You seem to be wanting to people to act a certain way, she might not be giving you much thought and you could have decided some story in your head about her

People seem to do with school parents I don't get there is nothing that says you have to get along of become bff and if you talk to someone one day and have coffee one days doesn't mean it will always be the same people have their own things going on in life

If you don't have some deep thought of upsetting others or do things deliberately to annoy people then why assume others do that to you?

Maybe you are not as important in their life as you are making them in yours

I relocated with a baby and met lots of new friends at baby groups but one woman in particular just never gave me the time of day. She was so rude and dismissive and I always felt she looked down her nose at me. Honestly, I saw her all the time but just was polite and avoided getting into conversation.

Have you ever watched the TV show Motherland OP?

I would watch it, it's great and very funny.

You might feel some solace in it!

There is always one. It’s so annoying.

It’s not you, she will be like this with everyone.

Just enjoy your new friendships, continue to be polite and open and let her get on with it.

I think you might be overthinking this. I used to try to force myself to be sociable at mum and baby groups but my heart wasn’t in it so I probably came across as a bit off and aloof when I didn’t have the energy. I have always found other socialising completely fine and haven’t have trouble making friends but for some reason I could never do it at baby groups. I didn’t make a single new friend when I was on maternity leave. With my second child I didn’t go to any groups and was much happier. I did take him swimming each week. It wasn’t an official group but I took him at the same time and got on well with a couple of other mums there. Probably because it happened naturally and no one felt they should be socialising so it was low pressure.

Woman in my NCT group did this. Auditioned us all individually as mates! It was so transparent. I made the cut short term but not long term (kids are 6 now).

Don’t worry oP.

Don’t let people undermine your confidence in yourself. It sounds to me that you have read this woman pretty quickly.

Some people do approach friendship as though they are interviewing for a demanding role and focus on what they think they can get out of it. I suspect she was sussing you out and found you wanting for whatever criteria she had in mind for the esteemed role of being worthy of her time! Probably gauging your contacts, how impressive your job sounds to mention to others etc etc: “ oh I know someone who is very senior at x corp.” 🤣

It’s a her thing. I understand it hurts, but you really are as well off steering clear of these types. Keep your nose clean, don’t badmouth her to others in the group ( post here if you need an outlet) and try to just return her forced smile and not care. She sounds a complicated piece of work.

@Fabulousdahlink This person is 100% a highflyer. Top of her career and a pretty incredible woman on her own right! It MUST be really hard to adapt to being on maternity leave and not being able to control everything, because let's face it you can 'schedule' a nap time but your baby may not ant to nap at this time.
When I first met to her I remember she seemed like someone who needed to unload/someone to talk to. Of course I don't walk in her shoes, An I can understand how looking after a baby is a different kind of stress (I have worked in very high-stress roles, so I really do understand).

If she doesn't want to be friends fair enough. Feeling rejected is a 'me'problem rather than. A 'her' problem. Her behaviour over the last 2 weeks however has gone from friendly to cold to actively unpleasant. Whilst I can empathise with her, and be tolerant up to a point, I have self respect and will not allow people to treat me like that so, unfortunately, she will have to lean on others.

Yes ! Auditioning was the word I was looking for!

It’s exactly that op. And people who are that controlling and calculated about friendships are always trouble ( and the bloodsucking type!)

Good preparation for the school gate! So many judgy mums who think they are better than you. Dd3 is 16 and one mum does everything so her dd doesn't go out with mine and even told the girl that she'd have more friends if she didn't hang around with weirdos like my dd!! Dd3 has her moments but is a high achieving (all 9s) with lots of extra curricular and doesn't engage in any anti social behaviour. I have never met the mum.

@Calliopespa thank you! I appreciate that :) As I said in my OP, I'm not losing sleep about this but needed a place to let off some steam which is why I created the thread. In real life I am very tolerant and non-confrontational. I can only count on one hand the people that that I strongly dislike, and I don't hate anyone, even people that have treated me very badly. I can honestly say I get on well with most people. This is insignificant in the grand scheme of things but since I will be bumping into this person multiple times a week, it's a little problem that isn't going away any time soon. 😊

@Manthide what a horrible thing to come out of an adults mouth.
That fairly recent Robbie Williams song comes to mind:
"don't waste time with those idiots that think that they're heroes,
They will betray you,
Stick with us weirdos!"
Your daughter sounds smart and lovely and probably better off without her. Its even worse when parents get involved in children's friendships but I'm starting to realise that does happen. I think that's why there is a lot of pressure at mum groups and the school gates because of course everyone wants their child to have friends and feel included.

gently op, it sounds like you are expecting too much from the baby group. You don’t have to become friends with the other mums. You are simply a group of mums who go to the same baby group, and as such it can be nice to meet for a coffee afterwards. Don’t overthink it or make it into more than it is. Just see this mum as an acquitance from the baby group and when your paths cross (as you say you expect they will cross often) treat her like you would treat an acquitance from eg work. Surely you wouldn’t feel awkward bumping into Sue from the office regularly?